Chapter 32 Connor
Connor
McKinley Park is only a hop and a skip from Lori’s place.
After dropping Dane off, I’m the first one here, shivering in my sweatshirt and track pants.
I thought about waiting in my car, but the fresh air tastes good on my tongue and in my lungs, no matter how cold.
The grass is damp from the fog rolling through, and the trees drip condensation like rain.
The first car to pull into the lot is my former captain, Rowan’s, black Legacy with two silhouettes in the windshield. I wave toward them, unsure if they notice me.
A dinged-up SUV turns into the spot right beside them, and more guys from last year’s Sac State team spill out.
A couple of guys who graduated with me, plus my boys, Zeke and Brandon, who ought to be graduating this spring.
They all beeline to Rowan, the big shot—the guy who made it to the major league because he put twice as much work into his game as the rest of us.
I used to kid myself that if I hadn’t spent so much time worrying over girls, I could have gone pro too. Then I found out Rowan had the best season of his life while falling in love with his fiancé, Tommy.
Some dudes are built different. Rowan Hughes is built different.
I’m a little star-struck myself when I finally wander back to the parking lot to dap him up and ask how everything’s going.
His contribution to the group chat is scarce, and while his success is obvious from his pro career stat line, it’s good to hear it from Rowan’s mouth that he’s doing well in life too.
He gives me a one-armer and asks if Thalia and I are good.
“Nah,” I chuckle through my discomfort. “We broke up.”
As soon as Rowan takes his arm back, he trades a glance with Tommy that reminds me of that TikTok video, and how Tommy’s the one who sent it to me.
Before I can explain, Brandon hooks an arm around my neck and says, “Woah, woah, woah. You and Thalia Calvo are done-zo? You didn’t mention that in the group chat. Is she still single? Is she in town? Do you still have her number?”
Eyes glued to his phone, Zeke spares a hand to smack Brandon’s shoulder. “You can’t ask a dude for his ex’s number. That’s disrespectful.”
While Brandon smacks Zeke back, Rowan offers an awkward apology that I shrug away. Rowan and I were never the heart-to-heart sort of friends, after all. Actually, I’m not sure I ever had a heart-to-heart sort of friend until Dane.
Dane.
The way Tommy pushes Brandon away to hug me with two long arms sort of reminds me of Dane. I hadn’t realized until Dane came into my life how rare it is for a man to hug another man with both arms. Maybe that’s one thing Rowan loves about Tommy.
“Are you okay?” Tommy asks as he draws back.
“I’m okay.”
Thankfully, Tommy doesn’t ask any follow-up questions, and the screech of Levi’s car’s shitty brakes diverts everyone’s focus. A couple more cars pull up with guys I know and a few I only recognize.
When everyone’s here, the sneakers come off, and the cleats go on.
The jackets are stripped, and the stretching starts.
While I tie my laces, I can’t help but watch the way Rowan and Tommy interact.
They stay close, but they’re not in-your-face about anything.
Only things tipping off that they’re more than friends is how they share the same water canister and talk close to each other’s ears, like whatever they’re saying is off-limits to the rest of us.
It reminds me of how much I told Dane and how little I told Thalia while in San Diego.
With time running out before our pickup match’s official start time, I say fuck it and march across the grass toward the only gay couple in my friend group.
If there were a gun to my head and I could only pick one, I’d say Rowan is my friend out of the two, since we’ve known each other the longest, and he helped me out when I was building Dane’s training plan.
But Tommy is objectively easier to talk to.
A heart-to-heart kind of friend. He’s got that face, I guess.
Rowan calls it a baby face, but I just think it looks kind.
“Hey, Tommy?” I feel bad tugging him away from whatever top-secret conversation he’s whispering with his fiancé about, but I don’t want to give myself more time to wuss out. “Can I talk to you a sec?”
“Yeah, what’s up?” His kind face turns thoughtful, and while I appreciate his attention, I’m unnervingly aware of Rowan’s dark eyes on me too.
He’s probably seen the video, and he probably knows it’s me in it, despite what I told Tommy.
But Rowan was also friends with Thalia. They knew each other at least.
“Uhh…” My uneasy look between the two men soon prompts Tommy to ask if I’ll walk with him to the restrooms.
When we’re only a few strides down the path, Tommy claps me on the back and asks what’s up again.
Still too nervous, I answer with a dumb question. “How’s San Jose?”
He chuckles. “It’s fine. Weather’s awesome, food’s good, lots of great hiking nearby. Why, you looking to move there?”
“Um—” I toss my eyes back, making sure no one’s following, and when the coast is clear, I jump right in. “Look, I wanna apologize to you—”
“For what?” he scoffs, an amused grin dimpling his face.
“For lying to you.” I halt on the walking path halfway to the restrooms, since we’re well enough away from the other guys now. “It was me in that post you sent.”
“I know.”
“I was still with Thalia when that happened, and I was still trying to figure out, um… I just freaked out when you texted me, and I’m sorry.”
“You don’t gotta apologize to me. Is that why you and she broke up?”
“Basically. Not because of the video, but…you know.”
“And the guy? Was he just some—”
“He’s my boyfriend, actually. He’s amazing. Like, my favorite person in the whole world. I probably don’t deserve him, but I really love him.”
The sudden grin Tommy pulls heats my face, and I avert my eyes to the crack in the cement. “Does that mean… Are you gay?”
“I’m bi, I guess. I don’t really know where I’m at on the spectrum, or if it matters, but I’m really happy. Honestly, I’ve never been this happy with someone before.”
Tommy doesn’t speak, but his energy is loud enough.
His palm lifts, coaxing me to pat mine against it, and he tugs me into another two-armed hug.
This one hits better. Comfort in its purest form.
As good as it feels, there’s something off about it too.
Probably because it’s Tommy and not the man I wish I were hugging. Not my man.
When Tommy doesn’t let go, I snicker against his shoulder and ask why he’s hugging me at all.
“People don’t hug enough,” he says beside my head. “And ‘cause you’re my friend, and I missed you.”
Looks like Tommy is my friend after all.
He lets go and asks, “Are you worried what people will think?”
“I was at first. I was for a while, but not anymore. My folks know. My boyfriend and I are actually living with them now, ‘til we get our own place up here. San Diego wasn’t great for either of us, and I really want him to feel accepted here. I’m a little nervous about what the guys’ll think, but they don’t care that you and Rowan are gay, right? ”
He takes a deep, thoughtful breath. “I think there’s a lot of power in not giving a fuck what anyone thinks, even your friends. Take in the positivity. Ignore the rest. Love yourself, love your partner, and keep trying to be a better person today than you were yesterday.”
“For sure.”
Tommy lurches forward and pays my arm two pats. “Alright, Con. I actually do gotta pee.”
Before he races off, I pause him with a sentiment of my own. “I’m really happy for you, by the way. You and Rowan. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you that last year.”
Tommy smiles. “Thanks, man. I’m happy for us too.”
Before our match can kick off, we pick teams, and since Rowan and Levi both share the title for Most Intense Personality, we all defer to them as captains. After some bickering between the two of them, they decide first pick goes to Levi, and first round goes to goalies.
“Brandon,” Levi chooses, leaving Malik for Rowan’s team.
“Tommy,” Levi chooses with a wicked laugh, putting a scowl on Rowan’s face.
“Raisel,” Rowan chooses—Levi’s best friend.
“You stole my boy!”
“You stole mine!” Rowan shoots back.
Despite the genuine scorn on both men’s faces, the scene is comedic gold, and it feels good to laugh. What doesn’t feel so good is that neither my former roommate nor my former Sac State captain choose me. When the rosters are even, I’m the only one left over.
“The fuck, guys?” I toss my arms up, not used to being picked last for soccer, let alone not picked at all.
“Sorry, bud,” Levi shrugs. “You haven’t played in, like, a year.”
“We’ll sub out soon,” Rowan tells me, and I accept it on the surface, because what else am I going to do? Cry about it and turn it into a whole thing? I’m too grown for that, and besides, coming here was less about playing soccer and more about seeing my friends again. I just wish I could do both.
While the match starts up, I save my ass from the wet ground by sitting on my gym bag.
When I give up being annoyed, I make the most of being the bench warmer by taking my camera out of its case and snapping a few shots of the guys.
It’s the first time I’ve whipped my baby out in a while. Too busy living life to document it.
For minutes I sit watching the gameplay through my viewfinder, waiting for the perfect—
“Yo, stalker!”
My finger seizes on the shutter before I flinch my camera down and toss my head over my shoulder. My frenzied heartbeat eclipses the sounds coming from the field—the thwack of the ball against cleats, the grunts of exertion, and the hollers of, “I’m open!”
Hands tucked into the pockets of his coat, Dane crosses the grass with a cool smile, tipping his chin toward me when our eyes lock. “Cheating on me, huh?”