Chapter 18
Rachel
I hadn’t realised how tired I was until I laid my head down.
Hacksaw had carried Axel to bed whilst I was dealing with Bradley in the bar and had laid him down in the cot for me.
I thanked him and sat in the rocking chair next to it, staring down at the child that had made my life so complicated, and yet so complete.
I’d walk across hot coals for him. I’d do anything within my power and then some just to keep that smile on his face.
Just to keep him unaware of all the stress and danger this place caused.
And it was worth it. Because he was sleeping as though he didn’t have a care in the world—exactly as it should be.
A smile fell over my lips as I looked down at the tiny human that was my entire world, and before I knew it, I was gone.
I woke to the sounds of Axel softly babbling to himself, his blonde hair stuck up messily from his nap.
“Hey, handsome,” I said, smothering my yawn. “That wasn’t a long nap.” I pulled my phone out to look at the time, surprised to see that we had been up here over two hours. It was nearly three, which meant Bee should be home from school very soon.
I quickly pulled Axel out of his cot and changed his nappy before carrying him downstairs.
I heard voices as I approached the bottom, and as I rounded the corner, I saw Dante talking to a woman I didn’t recognise.
Their voices were soft, and there was a frown on Dante’s face that let me know he wasn’t happy about whatever it was they were talking about.
“Da!” Axel shouted, scrambling to get out of my arms. I placed him on the floor and held his hand, encouraging him to walk across the floor instead of relying on his crawling. He took unsteady steps towards Dante, who crouched down low, holding his hands out, murmuring encouraging words.
I let go of Axel in the doorway and let him cover the rest of the distance by himself, his legs growing shaky as his excitement at seeing his dad grew.
At the last second, Axel fell forward, and Dante caught him, swinging him up into his arms and onto his shoulder in one smooth movement.
“Hi,” I said to the woman, holding my hand out to her as Dante lavished praise on our son. “I’m Rachel.”
“Heather,” she replied, accepting my hand, but her tone was reserved, her eyes guarded. No doubt she had heard the twisted version of events where I “abandoned” Bee, and was wary of my intentions here.
To be honest, I wasn’t mad about it. That made me instantly like her, knowing she had Bee’s best interests at heart.
“Bee’s nanny? She’s home?” I asked, scanning the kitchen as though she was going to be hiding around the non-existent corners.
“I was just telling Mr King—she’s gone straight to her room. She’s not had a good day.”
“What? Why?” I said, my eyes jumping back and forth between them. They shared a look, and I felt my anger grow.
What the fuck aren’t they telling me?
“I’ll leave her in your capable hands,” Heather murmured. “Same time tomorrow or will Mrs… Rachel be taking her to school?”
“We’ll keep the routine as it is for the time being, Heather. Thanks.”
“Okay then, I’ll see you both in the morning.”
I gave her a smile goodbye and waited until she was out of earshot before I spun on Dante. “I want to know everything, and I want to know it now.”
He sighed heavily and popped Axel on the floor, who immediately got back to his feet and began to cruise using the furniture around the kitchen to get back to the bike at the back.
“Bee is… She’s having some difficulties. Her therapist recommended school, and at first, she seemed to love it. But lately?” he sighed again. “It’s difficult to know what’s happening when she won’t talk to us.”
I nodded. “Kids can be like that sometimes. Maybe if—”
“No, Rachel. You’re not understanding. She doesn’t talk to us because she doesn’t talk. At all.”
“What?” I asked, my head snapping back in shock.
“Selective mutism the therapist called it. It’s a trauma response.”
“When did this start?” I demanded, narrowing my eyes to slits.
“She started withdrawing the day after you left.”
My heart clenched as fear wrapped around me. “And when did she stop talking completely?”
He flinched and avoided my eyes. “Some time afterwards.”
“When?” I almost yelled, but stopped myself just in time, remembering our other child who was listening to every word.
“Just… after. Let that be enough.”
“No. I want to know when.”
I already knew. Somewhere deep, I’d known the answer before I asked. But I needed to hear it, needed him to say it, because if I was wrong, I could breathe again. If I was right, I would never forgive myself.
“Dante?” I demanded when he didn’t answer.
“Just after she received your letter,” he said, his voice soft, confirming all my suspicions.
My entire body froze, and guilt hit me like a brick. The blood drained from my face, my body growing weak. I grabbed the chair to steady myself and took a deep breath. “Is it permanent?”
“We don’t know. She’s still working with her therapist—and you’re welcome to come with us when both you and Bee feel comfortable with that. But I can’t really tell you much more.”
I fell silent, and Dante came over to me, gently holding my shoulders and nudging my chin up until I was looking at him. I tried to avoid eye contact, but he held my chin firm, refusing to let me go.
“Your letter wasn’t to blame, Rachel. There was a lot of shit that went down, and it was a series of events that led to this.
The fire, the war, seeing Zach… like that.
Losing her Papa. And then losing you. Hell, even losing Macbeth.
It was a lot for her to take. This is a coping mechanism for her, to disassociate from it all.
We can bring her back out of her shell and help her find herself again.
It’s just going to take time and patience.
What it won't take is blaming yourself. I was the one that sent you away, and I recognise I am to blame. You and her bonded so fast and so firm, she clung to you as the only reliable adult in her life. I’m man enough to admit that. ”
I just stared at him, unable to believe that he wasn’t actually being mean to me and blaming me right now. I had expected him to twist the knife and heighten the pain I was feeling, and instead he was trying to… reassure me?
He must have noticed the confusion on my face because he looked away for a moment before saying.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, Rachel.
I think the reason Bee was ready to call you mum so soon was because she desperately needed someone who would be there for her.
Kitty was already pulling away. She’d lost her uncle; her dad and Papa were busy with the club.
I’m not dismissing your influence here because you were an amazing mother to her.
However, she clung to you because she desperately needed someone normal—someone kind, someone consistent, and someone who radiated love.
I can see where I failed her, and where you picked up the slack.
She lost so much in such a short time… I’m surprised her trauma response isn’t worse. ”
My thoughts went to Kitty, who was lying in her room, hating the world and suddenly felt a rush of pride for Bee.
Yes, she might be mute, but that was her way of coping the best way she knew how.
She had still taken the huge step of starting school, which was scary at the best of times.
She was still battling her demons every day—and winning.
I needed to see her to let her know she didn’t have to fight them on her own anymore.
“I want to see her.”
He nodded. “I’ll take you to her now. But…” He paused.
“But?”
“I’m going to leave Axel with one of the guys. I don’t want her to be overwhelmed. She was fast asleep when we arrived last night and only saw him briefly this morning when he was still sleeping. She knows you’re both here, but I just want to make this as smooth as possible for her.”
“Okay,” I nodded back. “If you think that’s for the best.”
“I do,” he replied, finally letting go of my chin. “We’ll head up, talk to her for a minute, and then we’ll tell her to come down and meet her brother.”
“Sounds good to me.”