Chapter 21
Rachel
The rest of the day slipped by fairly uneventfully. Shark stayed with us for an hour or so, enjoying his time with Axel. He did his best to talk to Bee, and even asked me for a few words in sign language, but she didn’t respond to any of his efforts.
When he left, Dante and I put a movie on for both of them whilst we cooked dinner.
I almost snapped at him for being in the way, but caught myself just in time before he could accuse me of starting an argument.
Dante had never helped me in the kitchen before, and I couldn’t help but be suspicious of the way he was hovering now.
But then I remembered Vienna’s earlier words about things being different now that they were no longer at war. It made me reassess the Dante I had known back then. Could it be that I was only seeing one side of him? The side that was stressed, and anxious, and angry, and losing so much?
But then again, we hadn’t been at war when he thought burning my mother’s house to the ground was a reasonable reaction to me not wanting to be kidnapped, so I quickly shut down my line of thinking.
We all sat down at the kitchen table, with Axel in his highchair, and I did my best to engage in the conversation. I caught Bee smiling once when Axel threw some food at Dante, which slapped him directly on his cheek.
She had looked down at her food as though she was tempted to do it too.
I leant down and whispered in her ear that I dared her to throw it, and she even picked up her fork with some peas on, ready to flick them.
But then she dropped it back on her plate, frowned, and pushed her chair away from the table.
She quickly scribbled the word “done” on her tablet and walked away.
We let her go, because we knew she was overwhelmed, but my heart still shattered at the thought of her being alone up in her bedroom whilst the rest of her family were sitting together and bonding.
I didn’t want to push her, but I knew what it was like to be the child constantly alone, and I hated that she thought she needed to do that as well.
And I hated that she believed being alone and distancing herself was the safest choice she could make. How had we fucked her up this much?
Not long afterwards, Dante bathed Axel, and then I ran a bubble bath for Bee.
She quickly signed “thank you” and then slammed the door.
I sat outside the bathroom, listening for any signs of splashing—the midwife had freaked me out, saying children could drown in an inch of water, and it had become the biggest fucking fear for me—and then both kids were put to bed.
Which left me and Dante alone.
I had tried to escape him by offering to take his mother some food. After all, we had already more than exceeded our compulsory hour together today. But Kitty soon put an end to that by kicking me out of the room and saying the next time she sees me, she hopes it's during an open casket.
We watched a bit of TV together, each of us sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, and then, after the tenth stifled yawn, I called it quits and told him I was going to bed.
I hadn’t expected him to follow me, but it seemed he was taking this whole “sleeping together every night” seriously.
“Honestly,” I said, as we both entered the bedroom. “You don’t have to go to bed at the same time, you know. It still counts, even if it’s not the whole night together.”
“Shut up, Rachel.”
Well, that was me told. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“You’d think on my first official night here, you’d cut me some slack and give me some space. It’s a lot to process.”
“And you’d think at twenty-nine years old, you’d understand what shut up means, but yet here we are,” he snapped back at me.
Fuck it. In for a penny, in for a pound.
“Since you’re in such a delightful mood,” I called after him as he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. “Maybe now will be a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind.”
He came back into the doorway, raising one eyebrow at me.
“Just how long have you known about me and Axel?”
He smirked—or at least smirked the best he could with the toothbrush in his mouth and then went back into the bathroom. I stood in the centre of the bedroom, impatiently waiting for his return.
“A while,” he finally said, leaning against the doorframe.
“I gathered that. How long is a while , exactly? And don’t try brushing me off. Custom leather jackets don’t appear overnight. Bedrooms are not decorated overnight. At least not without leaving behind the stench of paint and paste. So how long?”
“A couple of months,” he shrugged, as though it was no big deal. “Are we done with this now?”
“Not even close,” I replied, placing my hands on my hips. “How long have you been watching us?”
“Are you sure you want the answer to that? You can’t scream and shout, remember?”
“Believe it or not, I went into this conversation expecting to hear things I don’t like. Hit me with it.”
“Months. We had Bambi watching you for weeks, and then Hacksaw took over. It’s how we already knew where that woman lived.”
“That woman had a name.”
“Exactly. Had. I didn’t bother learning it then. I’m certainly not going to bother learning it now that she’s dead.”
I gritted my teeth, but I didn’t rise to the bait. “And just how far did Hacksaw go to watch us?”
“I’m guessing by the look on your face, you’ve already got a good idea.”
“I want to hear it,” I persisted.
“He snuck into your house and bugged your phone. He installed cameras in every corner. He followed you to and from work, and he sent me pictures of everyone you were with.”
“So why did you take so long to make yourself known?”
“To start with, because we didn’t know about Axel. Bambi hid that from us.”
“And he’s still alive?” I muttered dryly, but he smiled all the same.
“He paid a price. Check out his hand next time you see him and you’ll see the price he paid.”
“Lovely,” I said, my stomach tightening at the thought. “So then what?”
“Rachel, it’s late. Can this wait until the morning?”
“No.”
He sighed heavily and pushed himself off the door. “And then nothing. Hacksaw took over, immediately told us about Axel, and we set a plan to take him. There was a debate over whether or not we’d let you live, and clearly you came out the victor, so that’s the end of it.”
“Why didn’t you come for him straight away?”
He stalked closer to me, his movements slow and steady.
“Because I wanted to make you suffer, Rachel. I wanted to know every last, tiny, insignificant detail of your life. I wanted to gather up all the strings without you even being aware of what I was doing. And then I was going to snip each one, leaving you with nothing.”
“And what changed?” I asked, craning my head back to look at him.
“Nothing,” he shrugged. “I just realised how little I actually cared. I spent months watching you, and realised how mundane your life really was.” He grabbed my chin as he spoke, forcing me to look into his eyes.
“It’s no wonder you were so quick to sign that contract, Rachel.
This is the most excitement you’ve had in years. ”
“You’re probably right,” I muttered back, refusing to be drawn into an argument. “But that’s the drawback of being a single parent. It doesn’t leave much opportunity for hobbies or a social life.”
He looked as though he was going to say something, but then thought better of it. “You surprised me. I thought for sure you’d kick off at that statement.”
“I’m full of surprises,” I said, stepping out of his hold. “At least one of us has grown up and stopped playing games. Maybe the other one would like to join in.”
I pushed past him and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, rolling my eyes when I saw the brand new toothbrush waiting for me.
He really had thought of everything!
I quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face, and went back into the bedroom just in time to see Dante pulling the covers off his side of the bed.
“Actually…” I began, but then stopped. It was the most ridiculous thing, and I knew it would cause an argument. And for once, it wasn’t because I was deliberately trying to goad him into one.
“What?”
“It’s just…” I sighed heavily and then went for it. “Look, I know it’s silly, and I know it doesn’t really matter. But I want to sleep on that side.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “You’re being ridiculous. I’ve always slept here.”
“Yeah before. ”
“Is this some sort of power play? Or are you just trying to make me argue with you? So much for having grown up.”
“No, I—”
“Because you’re right, it is the most silly thing, and I’m not moving.”
I bit my lip, resisting the urge to stomp my foot. “But I always sleep closest to the door now. I can’t settle otherwise. If Axel wakes—”
“Then you can walk around the bed to get to him. Or I can deal with him. Or you can bring him in here, since nothing other than sleeping will be taking place in this bed. But I’m sleeping here.”
He climbed into bed, not even willing to discuss this any further.
“Okay, but I’ve given legitimate reasons for wanting to sleep there. You just want to sleep there because you’re stubborn and—”
“Oh, don’t stop there, Rachel. What else?”
“Fine,” I snapped. “Because you’re stubborn, and you think that if you repeat everything we used to do last time, then things will be the same as last time. And that’s not going to happen. Too much has changed for us to have the same relationship we once had.”
“You’re something else, you know that?” He said, his voice soft, but his eyes hard and venomous.
“Excuse me?”
“I know full well that this is not going to be the same as last time. You’ve made that abundantly clear at every given opportunity.
From the ridiculous night dress you’re currently wearing that looks like it was from a grandma in the fucking forties, down to the ridiculous contract you insisted on.
Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with wanting anything from you. ”
“So what then?” I snapped back, refusing to climb into bed until I knew the reasoning behind him, not wanting to give me something as simple as my side of the bed.
“Because you’re not the only one who fucking struggles!
I remember the past as well as you do, Rachel.
Do you think it doesn’t fucking haunt me on a daily basis seeing this house the way it was, and then remembering what happened?
I’m aware bad shit happened, and I’d much rather be closer to the door, so that on the off chance that anything were to happen and someone be foolish enough to try to enter this bedroom whilst we are asleep, I am the one at the door.
I am the one that is closest. You are behind me, and you are protected. Is that fucking good enough for you?”
“I—”
“Do you think I’m not well aware that our current alliance with the Rough Riders is hanging by a thread? Do you think I’m not understanding that I’ve just pissed off Vicky?”
“What does Vicky have to do with this?”
“Her dad works for the police, Rachel. Vicky was our rat. She fed him information to keep us safe.”
“I… I didn’t know.”
“No. You didn’t. Because you didn’t fucking ask.
You never ask. You live in your own little world, assuming things about me—always the worst possible things.
When all I’m doing is thinking of you. Goodnight, Rachel,” he muttered, rolling over to his side and switching off the lamp on his bedside table.
My body deflated as I exhaled heavily. How was I supposed to know Dante was battling his own demons? How was I supposed to know Vicky actually had a purpose other than a quick roll in the hay? I didn’t ask, but he didn’t exactly offer up the information either.
Because the two of you never learnt how to communicate. You argued, and you fucked. That was it.
Well, something needed to change. Even after the six months were over, we were still going to be in each other’s lives. I’d like to do it at least on a semi-friendly basis.
I shook my head clear of my own thoughts and climbed into bed next to him, careful not to let any of my body touch his.
I heard his breathing next to me, deep and even, letting me know that once again, he was unfazed by me. Laying next to him reminded me of that time long ago in this exact position.
Except he had been naked…
I closed my eyes tightly, trying not to think of the memory of him whispering those words to me. Begging me to touch him. Telling me he craved me. That I consumed every waking thought, and every sleepless dream. He had wanted me so much, and now he was laying next to me, not even slightly tempted.
He hadn’t so much as even attempted to kiss me since I had been back. Not since we’d signed the contract. And I knew that was more of a power move, rather than something he actually wanted to do.
Why do you want him to?
Did I want him to?
I had no idea. All I knew was that it bugged the fuck out of me that he no longer had an interest. Why did that sting? I should be glad!
I folded my pillow underneath me and resisted the urge to punch it.
“No one forced you into that contract, Dante. You’re lying in a bed of your own making,” I muttered.
And, of course, he didn’t care enough to answer.