Chapter 47
Rachel
We waited for Dante to come home, the both of us excited to see his reaction.
As soon as he walked through the door, I called him in to the front room, no longer caring about Vicky and her ridiculous earlier confession. Tonight was going to be about our little girl, and I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face.
“There’s my girls,” he smiled at us, though I noticed a weariness around his eyes.
Just what did he get up to when he wasn’t here?
But that wasn’t my place to ask. Not anymore.
He came forward and planted a small kiss on my cheek and wrapped Bee up in a tight hug. “How have you been today, little Bee?” He asked her.
“Good,” she whispered shyly, a coy smile on her lips, even though she tried to hide behind the hair hanging over her face.
Dante’s eyes widened with shock, his arms tightening around his daughter. I bit the inside of my cheek to stop from grinning as he looked at her in amazement.
“Well that ,” he said, brushing the hair away from her eyes and rubbing his nose against hers. “Is music to my ears. And you’re okay?”
Bee nodded, and my heart warmed at the scene. He had played it perfectly. He wasn’t fussing her. He wasn’t making a big deal out of it and asking her a million questions. He was letting her come to him. All he wanted to know was that she was okay.
“I think this calls for a celebration. You’re feeling good, Rachel is back, and I’m on top of the world. What do you say, Bee?”
“BBQ?” she asked, a wide grin on her face.
“BBQ it is.”
Dante didn’t mess around.
When he said he was celebrating, he really threw a celebration.
Every member of the club gathered for the BBQ, each of them ecstatic to celebrate the news that our girl had found her voice again.
Bee said hello to the first person to arrive—which was of course Vienna, and he did a mock faint and then seized her in his arms, “flying” her around the room.
After that, she understandably shut down again.
And that was fine. She wasn’t quite ready to talk to everyone yet, and God help anyone foolish enough to try push her whilst I was around.
But word soon spread about why we were here and what we were celebrating, and just knowing she was talking again was enough for everyone. They didn’t need to hear it for themselves.
“Sweetheart,” Imogen giggled, balancing what appeared to be a dozen different items of food in her hands.
I laughed as I saw her struggle, especially when Ant went to help himself to one of the plates and she tried to bite his hand.
With the size of these men, if you weren’t first, you were last, and she was making sure she got her fair share.
“How are you doing?” she asked Bee, almost throwing one of the burgers at me. I caught it just in time and shook my head at her mumbled apology.
Bee put her thumbs up in response and Imogen bent down low to let her grab some of the food herself.
“You’re an amazing, wonderful little thing, did you know that?” she whispered to Bee. “Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever. There’s not a person in this world that doesn’t struggle, and you, my darling, are a goddamn warrior.”
She did her best to hug Bee, and Ant saw that as his moment to strike. He rushed over, grabbed four of the plates, and ran off again.
“Love you, Bee. Give them all hell for me,” he shouted over his shoulder as Imogen squealed in anger and went rushing after him.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, still signing the words, so she knew it was okay to retreat back to her other language if she needed to.
“Yeah,” she said quietly.
“I know this is a lot. And if you need a break, you just say the word and I’ll whisk you out of here, okay?”
She nodded again, and I took her hand to lead her to a quieter area.
We passed Vienna and Dante, who were shouting insults over to the prospects.
Pivot had decided to start a revving contest, and his piece of shit bike had crapped out at the last minute.
Not something a biker wanted to happen at the best of times, and definitely not in front of his president and vice.
“And you think you’re graduating in a few months?” Vienna mocked.
“His bike will last longer than he will,” Dante called back.
I shook my head and left them to it, wandering closer to the grill.
I focused on Bee, noticing that her face had grown pale and she was shaking ever so slightly.
“Bee, are you okay? Is this too much for you?”
“Rachel… am I allowed to be happy?” Bee asked, looking into the crowd, her little chin quivering.
“Of course you're allowed to be happy,” I breathed, leaning down and wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her close to me. “Why would you ask that?”
Fat tears pooled in her eyes, her mouth twisting as she sucked on her inner cheek to keep the tremors under control.
“People keep dying. If I love someone they…” she couldn't finish her words. The tears broke free, spilling down her cheeks. Her breath came in big, hiccuping gulps, her poor little body shaking uncontrollably.
“Hey, hey,” I said softly, turning her until she was looking at me. I crouched in front of her and held her hands in mine. “Whatever has happened, it's not your fault. You know that, right?”
She didn't answer me. Instead, she looked back at the party happening as more tears spilled down her face.
“Bee, look at me,” I demanded. She was shaking harder than ever, her gulps of breath becoming more and more difficult.
“Bee, if you could have any cake in the world, any cake you could ever imagine, even if it seems impossible to make, what would it be? Can you imagine that cake? Bee, sweetheart, close your eyes and imagine that cake.”
She frowned at me, probably thinking I was fucking ridiculous for asking such a question, but I had to get her breathing under control somehow.
“Close your eyes and imagine that cake,” I said firmly. She closed her eyes.
“Everyone knows that cakes need candles. You're seven, so let's add seven candles to your cake. Can you do that?”
She nodded, but her breathing was still erratic and dangerous.
“Okay, that's good. You're doing really well, honey. Can you tell me what it looks like?”
“P-pink… and big.”
“I'm already jealous! And what else?”
“And a castle,” she sobbed with a sniff.
“That sounds so awesome. Now, light the candles, and make a wish. Don't tell me what it is, but make a wish and let's blow out the candles, one by one. Take a deep breath and hold it for one second and then blow out your first candle.”
She opened her eyes and looked at the party. Her hands were clammy against mine.
“Hey, hey, candles. Close your eyes and blow out that candle for me. But we only want to blow out one. So take a deep breath and slowly blow it out.”
She took a deep breath and gently let it go.
“Perfect. Let's do the second one,” I encouraged, taking a deep breath so she could hear me. She copied my actions. “Hold it. One second… now release,” she followed my instructions until we had gone through six of the candles.
By that time, the shaking had subsided, the breathing had calmed down, and she grasped my hands tighter. The fog of panic she had been experiencing had subsided enough that she was able to blow out the last candle without my coaxing.
“Amazing. Do you feel better?”
She nodded.
“Now, I want you to listen to me, Bee.” I held her tighter, and she opened her eyes to look at me.
“That's something I used to do when I was younger.
It's called 'grounding'. Whenever you're feeling scared, or panicked, or overwhelmed, you just close your eyes and focus on breathing.
You can come find me, and we'll work on it together, okay?” She nodded again. “That's my girl.”
I reached up to brush the hair out of her eyes before I spoke again. “You are allowed to be happy, Bee. Bad things have happened, and I know it can feel weird to be happy when you've seen so much. It's confusing, isn’t it?”
She bit her lower lip and quietly whispered, “yeah.”
“You can feel however you want to feel. If you're happy, you're allowed to be happy.
If you feel like laughing, then laugh. And some days, you might feel sad.
You might not even know why you're sad, and that's okay, too.
We have to be sad sometimes. But it makes the happy times all the more special when we feel them.
There is no right or wrong to your feelings.
I'm in my thirties, Bee, I'm ancient ,” I exaggerated in a silly voice, getting the small laugh I was looking for.
“But even I struggle with my feelings sometimes.
It's okay. You're okay. Don't think about if it's okay, or if it's wrong or right. You feel however you feel. The good and the bad.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice stronger than it had been.
“Okay,” I repeated, patting her tummy. “Do you feel better?”
“Yes,” she nodded. I wiped the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs and held her face for a moment, looking into her eyes.
“Do you want to go back to the party? Or do you want to go into the house and relax?”
“Party.”
“You're sure?”
“I'm sure.”
“Good! Because I think aunt Jenna could use some help kicking Shark's ass at arm wrestling. Do you think you could help her?”
Her head snapped to the side, and beautiful grin pulling at her lips as she looked at Jenna.
“Yeah?” I asked. “Let's go.”
I stood up and took her hand, leading her over to the small crowd.
“Are you good here?” I asked Bee, noticing that she was focused on the arm wrestling contest. Shark and Jenna were battling it out, and it looked like she was winning.
“Why don’t you cheer for Jenna?” I encouraged, nodding my head at them. Bee remained where she was, her eyes wide. After a moment’s pause, she walked away from me and over to Jenna’s side, putting her hand over Jenna’s, helping her push Shark’s over.
“Yes, Bee!” Jenna whooped. “You’ve fucked it now, old man,” she laughed at Shark.
He grinned back and made a big deal out of struggling to hold his arm up, eventually letting it flop to the table with a dramatic bang. “You’re a pair of cheats,” he said with mock anger, wagging his finger at his old lady and Bee.
“Strength in numbers, isn’t that right, my angel?” Jenna replied, pulling Bee onto her knee. “Who’s next? Who dares take on the two of us?” she called out.
“I’ll give it a go,” Doc said, grabbing one of the beers from the table. He tipped it to his lips and then spat it out, his face growing red.
“Who the fuck put hot sauce over the bottles?” He growled, throwing it to the ground.
Without hesitation, the majority of us pointed our fingers in Vienna’s direction.
“What?” he shouted back. “I get the blame for everything around here.”
“But did you do it, though?” I called back.
“Yes,” he grinned and then ran as Doc gave chase. He grabbed one of the club whores and used her body as a shield, dropping her onto a bar stool before sliding under the pool table and out the other side.
Bee giggled, watching Doc hobble along after him as Vienna started prancing around, performing ballerina moves. He twirled his way over to us, smacked me in the face with his ridiculous fucking beard, and picked Bee up from Jenna’s knee.
“Come on, super lady. You’re my armour.”
He carried her in one arm, and grabbed a bunch of hotdog buns with the other, handing a few to Bee. He whispered something in her ear, and together they started throwing them in Doc’s direction.
“Madness,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head.
I looked around at the chaos and took a long, content sigh.
Despite myself, I really did fucking love it here.