Chapter 53
Dante
Even if I lived to be a hundred, there wasn’t a chance I was going to grow tired of this. There was so much I wanted to say to Rachel. So much I wanted her to know. And yet I held back, not wanting to break the spell we were currently under.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her I loved her.
To let her know that no matter what happened, she was it for me.
I would never feel this way about another woman.
It just wasn’t possible. I wanted her to know that every day apart from her had been torture.
I needed her to hear the words, and yet I held back.
Because I knew my feelings were not reciprocated, and the small voice in my mind wouldn’t allow me to be that vulnerable with her.
I had told her I loved her once before, and even though I had never heard the words back, I was content with her knowing I was all in.
And then she was gone and hadn’t looked back.
She hadn’t even written to me, but she had written to Vienna. It killed me how easily she was able to dismiss me. Even if I deserved it—more than fucking deserved it—it still fucking hurt. So I stayed quiet, choosing to stay in the moment, rather than risk it all for mere words.
We were laid in bed, with her snuggled up to my side, tracing over the tattoos on my chest and arm, whilst I drew lazy circles over the sensitive spot on her hipbone.
Every so often she would tip her head back slightly to smile at me, and that simple gesture, the entire ease we were at with each other, made me the happiest man on earth.
Rachel came with a lot of drama. There was always an argument to be had. She was stubborn, she was feisty, and she was hot headed. But she was also fierce, and she was loyal. In the few weeks she had been back, she had already changed everything for the better.
She had performed miracles by getting my mother out of bed.
She had achieved what I was beginning to think was impossible by helping Bee find her voice again, and she had brought me my son.
It was more than I ever could have imagined, but everything she did, she did it because despite everything she had been through, her soul was a good one. Where I was dark, she was light.
Yes, she was a murderer. Yes, she was borderline psychotic sometimes. But she held on to her light. I gave in to the darkness a long time ago, and I knew I dragged my loved ones into the dark with me. But she lifted us from the shadows in a way only she could.
I couldn’t let her go. I didn’t care what happened at the end of these six months. She was mine, and I was hers. It was as simple as that, and yet it was the most difficult fucking thing in the world.
“Dante?” she asked softly, her fingers pausing on the tattoo I had done for Bee.
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something and get an honest answer?”
“Since when have you ever asked permission?” I asked, pulling away slightly so I could look down and see her facial expressions.
“I’m going to ask anyway,” she laughed. “But I’m just giving you advanced warning that I want honesty.”
“That’s the Rachel I’ve come to know and tolerate,” I grinned at her and then pulled her back closer. “Ask away.”
“How did you find me? Honestly. When I left, you were adamant that you were letting me go. You seemed so sure that we had no future. So what made you start looking for me to begin with, and how did you pull it off?”
“I never stopped looking for you if we’re being honest,” I said, sighing heavily. “I rang the Gellers pretty much daily. That prick threatened to put a restraining order on me at one point.”
“They never told me.”
“I’m not surprised. They said you were better off without me. And then when you left theirs, they wouldn’t tell me where you had gone. I figured you were on your way back.”
“Why?” she asked quietly, her fingers tracing my tattoos again.
“Because that’s what we did. You ran, I chased, you came back.
I guess I was just holding onto the belief that we were starting the same toxic cycle all over again and you would come back to me.
And then Vienna got the letters. He didn’t want to show me them to start with, but he let me read Bee’s before she did so… ”
“Yeah… I figured she would need someone to read it to her. I wasn’t thinking of that when I wrote it. I just needed her to know I didn’t abandon her, and that I loved her. I still love her.”
“She knows, Rachel,” I promised, kissing the top of her head.
“I hope so.” She paused for a second and then said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t write to you.”
“It’s okay. I understand why you didn’t. And it was a reality check for me. It made me realise that I had pushed you too far, and this time you really weren’t coming back home. That was the moment I decided to really let you go.”
“So what changed?”
“I thought about you every day. The good times and definitely the bad times.
I obsessed over all the things I should have done differently.
And then I remembered the argument we had after we stormed the Rough Riders' clubhouse. We were in the garden, and I was mocking your ridiculous saying about two negatives, not making a positive.”
“And I said two people can make a positive,” she whispered.
“Two people who didn’t think about the consequences. I didn’t want to believe it. I never thought you would hide a pregnancy from me, no matter what was happening. I spent weeks in denial. And then I went to collect Jenna from the hospital.”
“Okay…” she murmured with a frown. I reached out to smooth the lines on her forehead, placing a small kiss on her nose before answering.
“She had ridden on the back of Shark’s bike, but the doctor put her on bed rest, so Shark asked if I would bring a car to take her home.
As I was waiting for them, I saw the doctor you had seen after the fire.
He recognised me and asked how you were doing, then offered his condolences.
I asked why, and he said he just assumed that because you hadn’t attended your follow up appointment, or any other appointments…
And then he stopped talking when he saw the look on my face.
He gave me some bullshit about doctor/patient confidentiality and scurried away.
That’s when I pulled Hacksaw off all club duties and told him to focus solely on you. ”
“And he found me,” she said with some lingering bitterness.
“Not quite,” I laughed.
This time she was the one to pull away, frowning again as she looked up at me. “What do you mean?”
“You did good. You did really fucking good. Hacksaw was stumped. All of his leads came to a dead end. We knew you were back in the UK, but after getting off the boat, we couldn’t find you anywhere. It’s like you disappeared off the face of the Earth. We saw you in Liverpool, and then nothing.”
“What changed?”
“You did.”
“I did?” She breathed, her eyes widening with shock.
“You did so good, so fucking good,” I chucked, shaking my head. “And then you went to get your tattoo removed.”
She stiffened in my arms at that, and I began stroking up and down her back to relax her.
“There’s barely a clean bit of skin amongst us.
Did you really think a reputable tattoo artist worth their salt wouldn’t recognise our logo?
Especially one in Edinburgh, where we have one of the larger clubs?
We had already been circling your photo around, and as soon as you made the enquiry to get it removed or covered, we were called straight away.
The tattooist knew you were my old lady, and he said he’d detain you there so we could come and collect you.
At this point, enough time had passed that I was more pissed than anything else.
So we decided to have some fun with you instead.
With half an hour, Hacksaw had everything.
Your new name, your address, your job, your mobile number—the lot. Your tattoo was your downfall.”
“Goddamn it,” she laughed. “I knew I should have just lived with the fucking thing.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. Because now I get to take you for it done all over again.”
“I don’t fucking think so. I didn’t want it in the first place, I’m not getting it again,” but her words were accompanied by a playful slap to my arm, so I doubted she was serious. “What changed?”
“Hmm?”
“You said you were going to have fun with me. What did you mean by that, and what changed?”
“I was going to take a leaf out of those dark romance books you love so much and become your own masked stalker. I was going to drive you half mad until you were left with no choice but to come running back to me for protection.”
She scoffed at me. “I never would have run to you for protection.”
“You don’t know what I had planned,” I said softly, but there was no mistaking the warning in my tone.
“Noted. And I know the rest. You found out about Axel, and the rest is history.”
“It’s not history, Rachel. We’ll never be history. We’re the future, whether you’re ready to admit it or not.”
She grew silent before whispering, “I’m not sure if I can go back to what we were. So much has happened.”
“And there’s so much left to happen,” I said, pulling her closer and lifting one of her legs over mine so we were pressed together.
“I don’t want to go back to where we were.
We are not those people anymore. We’ve both changed.
Going back to who we once were, would be like pretending shit hasn’t happened.
I want to find out who we are now. We’ll figure out a way to make this work. ”
“How?”
“The way we always do. In a way that fits us, and fuck what anyone else has to say. What were we doing before it all went to shit last time?”
“I… We were doing family days out. You, me, and Bee. We were trying to bond and form a family unit.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do again, with Axel included, obviously. Once a week, we make sure we have a day that’s just ours.”
“And that worked out so perfectly last time,” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “You were called away early on the very first outing, and we never repeated it.”
“This isn’t last time. We’re not in the middle of war, for one. And I’m the president for two. I will make sure I’m not called away, and I’ll make sure it’s not a one off.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I laughed. “Just okay? As easy as that?”
“If you’re willing to put in the effort, the least I can do is meet you halfway.”
“Tomorrow,” I promised. “Whatever your plans are, cancel them. We’re going out tomorrow.”
“I—”
“No,” I said, interrupting her with a kiss. “Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” she whispered against my lips before kissing me back.