5. Miri
5
Miri
I had always hated Los Angeles. It wasn’t the beautiful, glamorous place most people thought it was. It’s little more than a trash heap. Admittedly, some of the surrounding areas were nice, even if everything was so…brown and they had to ship water in from somewhere else to make the plants grow. I tried to garden in containers, and I did what I could with a planter in the backyard, but being this close to the salt water and the drought in California meant I couldn’t get much going.
I longed for the summers in Scotland. I missed the trees.
The trees know, one of my nannies used to say.
Know what? I’d asked her.
The trees know all.
Hell, I’d take Virginia humidity over this bloody barren wasteland. The dry air reached inside me and sucked the moisture out of my soul, making me feel as empty and lifeless as everything around me.
I knew better than to let that show. Especially after Sandra, the PR rep for the royal family, used my vacation as an avenue for press events. That was how we found ourselves at this charade.
The formal charity on the sign said, “Children with Cancer,” but it was obviously an opportunity for the host to boost his ego. He’d hung giant portraits of himself and his family all over the mansion, and the only people in attendance were other A-listers. I narrowed my eyes at this year’s People’s Sexiest Man and smirked.
He wasn’t even that hot, not compared to Lex, and definitely not compared to Carter, who was currently laughing at a story some other famous actor told him.
Strange how well he fit in here like he’d been born for the notoriety, his personality that perfect blend of charisma and relaxed confidence. I’d done the best I could in the few weeks since we moved. His mother and Lizzie were delightful, and they reminded me what a normal family was supposed to be like—teasing and loving and touching.
Most people came out to LA and struggled for years, but the trick was networking, right? My family had afforded me knowledge of everyone, or at least, it had afforded everyone knowledge of me . I walked into spaces and doors opened for Carter on their own.
That was what I did for the people I loved. I gave them all of me to make them whole. That was what got the princess locked up in her ivory tower in the first place, wasn’t it? Some stupid curse that required her sacrifice to rescue her idiot family members from the horrible villain.
Everyone got what they wanted, but what about the princess?
What did I want?
Carter’s eyes met mine from across the party and he pulled one side of his mouth into a dimpled grin. I bit a cigarette between my teeth and lit it, taking a deep inhale that made me think of Lex. This was his brand—his smell, his taste.
“What are you doing over here alone?” Carter said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he sauntered toward me.
“Thinking.” I held the pack out to him.
He sighed and took it, pinching one in his fingers so he could bring it to his lips. “Should I even ask?”
“Change. Nothing ever stays the same for long.”
Carter blew out a breath. “Fuck, that’s heavy.”
Too heavy. My heart matched. Changing the subject, I said, “You fit in here.”
He smiled and inhaled on his cigarette. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“I suppose. We are married, after all.”
“I’m an actor.” He winked. “I fit in everywhere.”
I chuckled and raked my gaze over him. “That’s the key, isn’t it? Fake it until you make it.”
“Roll with the punches. Whatever cliché you can think of.”
Sadness echoed behind his eyes before he hid it away, and I ran a hand through my hair, taking another drag on my smoke as I brushed my curly strands back.
“What do you think they would say if they were here?” Carter gestured to the party behind us, the rich people in their fancy clothes sipping champagne and nibbling caviar.
“Lex would roll his eyes and call everyone a sycophant,” I said.
“And Ivy would dazzle the crowd while counting down the seconds until we could leave.”
I grinned, noticing how Carter’s eyes shimmered in the dying summer sunset. He truly was beautiful, but not in the same jagged way that made Lex appealing or in soft, lively curves like Ivy. Carter had a boy-next-door-hit-puberty-like-a-lumberjack thing about him. He’d grown into someone who would tie you up and throat-fuck you while coddling you and whispering sweet nothings to make you feel precious.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Juliet?” He stabbed his cigarette out in the ashtray between us.
“Just regarding you,” I said. “Can’t I appreciate a pretty sight?”
He cleared his throat and stared down at me from under hooded lids. A few quiet moments passed between us until he finally stepped closer and murmured, “You ever think about that night in Ireland…that night Lex went to get Ivy from the library.”
I licked my lips and smiled as memories flicked through my mind. “You mean the night you made me ride you while reciting Shakespeare?”
He laughed and the muscles in his throat constricted. My tongue suddenly ached to trace over them. I blinked back the urge, unsure of where exactly that was coming from.
“That one. Yes,” he said.
“What about it?” I stabbed out my cigarette and immediately lit up another one.
Carter took another step closer and pushed my brown hair back behind my ear, cupping my cheek. The scars from our vow brushed against my jaw, and the sensuous touch sizzled all the way down my spine to my toes and back up again.
I chalked it up to a human female response to a gorgeous man being this close, especially since the last time I’d been touched intimately, he’d been involved. Carter and I were friends. That was it. That was all. We were married to the same people, which made us metamours at best, and romantic rivals at worst. Sure, we’d slept together, but only as it related to whatever had happened to all of us. Never on our own. Never like this.
“I miss them,” he said. “And some part of me always will, but I’m happy you’re here, Juliet.” He kissed my temple. “We’re a team. All we have is us.”
“I’m happy I’m here, too,” I said, pulling back enough to look up at him. Carter’s blue eyes were mere inches away, his lips so close I could taste the whiskey on his breath. He smelled enticing, like deodorant and cologne and man. I shouldn’t want him. I knew I shouldn’t. Despite what we’d all agreed, Ivy wouldn’t like it and neither would Lex. But I yearned for him with a sick desperation. It seemed like he wanted me, too.
I pushed up on my toes to close the distance between us, but someone called to him from inside the house.
“Hey, Carter. Come check this out!”
“Yeah,” Carter said. “Be right there.” He looked down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. “Hold that thought, okay?”
I nodded and smiled while he disappeared inside.
After we’d drank and schmoozed our way into oblivion, my driver took us back to the house and I quickly disappeared to my bedroom. Carter likely expected to continue whatever had started between us on the balcony, but I was too confused for that.
Did I enjoy Carter’s company because I liked him? Or was this about Lex and Ivy? Would it always be about them? Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks and, though I tried to blink them back, they overwhelmed me once I closed my bedroom door.
Carter wasn’t Lex, and I wasn’t Ivy, and who were we to each other if not a link to them? Did I want Carter because I wanted Carter? Or did I want him because both Lex and Ivy did?
I needed to move on with my life—just get over this bloody nonsense already. But how could I?
What do I want?
Not this. Not crying myself to sleep every night because the chasm between my body and where I left half my heart was literally the size of America.
The door handle to my room jiggled, and he opened the damn thing like the lock was more of a suggestion than a barrier, like we had zero boundaries between us. Maybe we didn’t. Not anymore.
“I beg your pardon.” I balked.
“Can we not do this tonight?” He stalked into the room and gestured between us like I was supposed to know what that meant.
“Do what?” Shocked didn’t begin to describe my outrage.
“That thing where we act like we don’t know one another, like we don’t have the same heart shattering in our chests.”
I pretended like I had no clue what he was talking about. “Don’t be preposterous.”
He paused and sighed before he murmured, “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
All the fight melted out of me. This poor thing . “There’s nothing preventing you from finding a lover, Carter.”
“You made a vow,” he said, clearing his throat, blinking back tear-filled eyes. “We all…We all made a vow.”
“We agreed we could sleep around,” I said.
“Yeah, but—” He straightened and righted his shoulders. “I don’t want to.”
“I can’t give you what you want.” What was the point? I would end up with the Prince of Monaco or whoever my grandmother decided was worth my time. This was a distraction, one that would end up hurting in the end.
“Come on, Juliet.” His eyes seemed lit from within, ignited by that infinite supply of sunshine burning at his core. He’d taken off the suit jacket and rolled the sleeves of his white button-down up to his elbows, revealing those muscular forearms I remembered so very well. His tie hung over his neck, the first few buttons of his shirt undone, his undershirt peeking through. “Can’t you pretend? Just for tonight?”
It didn’t have to be a big deal. Carter and I had been together before, many times. But this was different. There was no one else here, no threat of our lovers walking in on us. This would be because we wanted it, and I didn’t know how to feel about that.
He shook his head and let out a sad chuckle, turning to face the view of the ocean through my window. “I can’t bring myself to move on. They look happy, ya know? It’s killing me.”
“They’re faking it,” I said. “We both know they are.”
“They’ve loved each other their entire lives,” he said. “It’s getting more difficult to remember it’s a show.”
I wrapped my free hand around his bicep and rested my head on his shoulder, hoping to bring as much solace as he’d given to me. He relaxed and kissed my temple before circling his arms around my shoulders to pull me into a hug. He held me so tightly, I thought he might never let go. Perhaps I never wanted him to.
“All the world’s a stage, and we are merely players,” I said.
He hummed in agreement. “Do you think we’re a comedy or a tragedy?”
“Sort of feels like both, doesn’t it, Romeo?” I chuckled, what little remained of my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces. “If I didn’t laugh, I’d never stop crying.”
He gave me one last squeeze and nodded toward the bed.
“Let me stay here tonight with you,” he said. “We can keep it PG. I swear. But it feels better when we’re together, doesn’t it?”
I laughed quietly, remembering when I’d said that in Ireland. I still agreed with him, of course. It did feel better when we were together, and it felt the best when we were a four. But if I couldn’t have what I truly wanted, then I’d have Carter.
We’d have each other and bugger anyone who judged me for it.
* * *
Of all the troves of treasures at the house in Malibu, the one Carter fell in love with was the cherry red 1965 Aston Martin DB5 convertible. My uncle, the prince of Wales, had bought it in the late ’90s to impress women, but he’d since gotten old and stopped coming to Malibu. He hadn’t seen it in years.
The minute Carter’s eyes had landed on it, he wanted to take it out.
“Just a little spin?” he asked at the time. While my uncle probably wouldn’t notice, his son and my cousin, Edward, would. He came here more often than anyone, and he could be a prick if he wanted to be.
Anytime we’d go out in the garage, Carter would make a beeline for it and stand there with his hands in his pockets, admiring her soft curves and ample machinery. I didn’t take him for much of a car guy, but it never failed to rope him in.
Something about this night in particular made me cave. Maybe it was the way the sun setting over the ocean cast bright blushes on Carter’s cheeks, reminding me of Midsummer. Or maybe it was the shimmer in his eye when we heard a commercial for a gossip show that mentioned breaking news for Fairington fans…Lex and Ivy were seen ring shopping together. Or maybe it was because my soul was in shambles and no matter what I did, nothing could repair it.
Ivy’s words replayed in my head over and over again, crushing my heart.
“Please accept my boundary. I can’t deal with this right now.”
Boundary.
Once upon a time, she and I had no boundaries. I knew everything about her—the taste of her sweat as she climaxed, the curve of her smile first thing in the morning, the way she smelled right out of the shower. But now, all those memories seemed worlds away.
I hated feeling like this, and the miserable puffy eyes on Carter’s face told me he felt the same.
“Hey,” I said, getting his attention from across the living room.
He pursed his lips and crossed his arms, clearing his throat to try to hide his emotions. “Yeah?”
“Let’s go for a drive.”
If he’d been a puppy, his ears would have perked up and his tail would have started wagging. Excitement swelled in his gaze, his tongue almost hanging out of his mouth. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“Fuck yeah.” He jumped out of his seat. “Let me go get my jacket.”
I narrowed my eyes. Jacket ?
Whatever. I grabbed a silk scarf to wrap around my head so my hair didn’t get tangled in the wind, and I headed to the key box in the garage, searching for the right one among the rows of options. I found it just as he came in, and I had to take a moment to steel myself against his appearance.
He wore the white shirt and jeans he’d been wearing earlier, but now he’d added aviators and a brown bomber jacket, giving him a James Dean vibe. My lower stomach clenched, and my heart almost skipped a beat, a sizzle of lust sparking between my legs. I ignored it. Carter being gorgeous was hardly a new concept.
I tossed the keys out to him. “You’re driving.”
“Wait…what?” He looked so damn adorable when he was confused.
I put my hands on my hips. “Well, you certainly don’t expect me to chauffeur myself around, do you?”
His mouth fell open. “Miri…if I break it…”
I rolled my eyes and yanked open the passenger door, shoving my body inside it. “Get in. If you break it, I’ll buy it.”
Still, he stood there, swallowing and looking at the car like touching her might cause her to explode into a thousand pieces.
“Carter Scott,” I finally snapped, getting his attention. “I demand you drive me around in this ridiculously expensive relic. Will you deny me?”
He twisted his lips into the biggest grin I’d ever seen, and his eyes shined like they used to, back when we were home, back when we were with them. He practically skipped around to the driver’s seat and got inside, giving me a huge kiss on the cheek once he did.
“Don’t call her ridiculous.” He ran his hands seductively down the steering wheel. “She’s a masterpiece.”
I laughed while he started the ignition.
“Tonight, we wallow,” he said. “Tonight, we do the sunset walk on the beach, eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s, and watch the sappy rom-coms. Tomorrow, we move on, yeah?”
I sighed. “What if I can’t?”
He grabbed my hand and squeezed before driving us outside. “Pretend.”
Pretend.
Yeah. So easy. Never mind my breaking heart. Never mind my lost soul. I wished I had Carter’s drive for anything. But I didn’t. Whenever I thought about my future, I’d always envisioned doing my part for my family — being the dutiful princess, attending the events, and rebranding the royal name. But that didn’t spark the same excitement in me that performing did in Carter.
Being in my garden did. Being around my spouses did. I couldn’t turn that into a royal charity.
I traced my thumb over our vows while Carter drove, the setting sun on the ocean even more beautiful because I had him next to me. Vibrant tangerines faded into blush rosy pinks, and I thanked my lucky stars again that we were together, that I wasn’t going through this public grief alone.
Patsy Cline played on the radio, the cool ocean wind mixing with the warmth of the dying light on my cheeks, the whole thing making me nostalgic. Like this, we could have gone back in time to the golden age of Hollywood and he really was a James Dean heartthrob and I was his Grace Kelly princess. Together, we were the perfect power couple that no one could tear apart.
Eventually, Carter parked the car on an overlook, perfectly situated for us to enjoy the rumbling sounds of the waves below us. He grabbed my hand and flashed me one of those classic Carter smiles.
“In case I forget to say it, thank you for this.”
I shrugged and waved him off. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing,” Carter said. “Nothing you’ve ever done for anyone has been nothing.”
That got my attention, and I whipped my focus back to him, clearing my throat to swallow a sob. I’d spent my whole life shoving my emotions down, not letting them show, pretending to put on a big smile. These last few weeks, they’d felt so close to the surface, like I was only one spilled cup of milk away from having an utter mental breakdown.
I hated my family and my entire life and this separation and their engagement. Everything. I hated it all, and it made me so tired because being hateful was exhausting. It was much easier to be apathetic. But I cared too much, especially about them.
“You think no one notices,” Carter said. “But I do.”
My heart pounded. “Notices what?”
“How selfless you are,” he said. “How you bring out the best in everyone you love.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s you, Romeo.” I tickled his ribs, making him squirm away and giggle and try to tickle me in return. It turned into a slapfight, right there in the front seat. Me hitting at his hands, him trying to grab my wrists to stop me.
I laughed and laughed while we playfully smacked at each other, the song shifting to “She’s Got You” in the background. It was the lightest I’d felt in weeks, and when Carter grabbed a hold of my wrists, he yanked me until our faces were inches apart.
The mood shifted instantly.
His exhales coasted across my cheeks, and I shivered from the heat radiating off his body. His dark indigo eyes bounced between mine, perhaps looking for permission for what he wanted to do next. I wanted to let him. Even though guilt snaked around my poor pathetic heart like a python, I wanted to tug him closer and pull him down on top of me and demand he take me in my uncle’s status symbol.
I loved Lex and I loved Ivy, but there was something about Carter…something about his love for them and their love for him that had me tearing off a chunk of my soul to trust in his safekeeping.
Tires pulled up next to us, and I broke away from him.
“Miriam! Miriam!” someone shouted. Bright lights flashed in my face and bodies swarmed the car on either side.
“Get us out of here,” I said. “Go, go, go!”
More cameras flashed. More questions. More paparazzi.
Carter shoved the car in reverse and backed up, pulling out onto the 101 to take us home.
“Fucking vultures!” he shouted, shifting the car into third.
The scenery whooshed by us, my scarf long since yanked down to my shoulders. My wild curls whipped around my face, the rush of going fast rising in me. But it wasn’t a good rush, not like a roller coaster. No. This was worse. Ever since the accident, I’d dreaded driving, even more so when the driver couldn’t keep it under the speed limit. I didn’t like chases, and I definitely didn’t like the paparazzi tailing us so closely.
It brought back flashbacks of that day—the sickening crunch, my mother’s screams, the terrifying nothingness, blinking awake in the patch of grass far away from my dead family.
“Carter,” I managed to say, my breathing coming in heavy pants, my vision narrowing. “Carter.” I tried again, but my mouth wouldn’t work. I grabbed his arm, the one he used to shift gears, and my nails clamped into his skin. “Slow down. Please.” I barely whispered the words. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Carter stopped the car, and when he yanked on the parking brake, I sighed in relief because we were back in my garage. Behind the closing doors. Away from prying eyes. He wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling my torso to him, unclicking my seat belt so he could tug me into his lap. My knees went to either side of his hips, and even though it was a tiny space, he squeezed me to him so tight, so secure, that nothing would ever hurt me again.
Tears streamed down my face, deep heavy sobs coming from a bottomless abyss in my chest. I let it all out, everything I’d been holding on to since the wreck, since the breakup, since we’d come here. He held me through it, rubbing my back, saying sweet soothing words to me.
“It’s okay, Juliet,” he said. “You’ve still got me.”
I pulled back and stared down at him through tear-blurred vision. I must have looked like a mess—wild hair, red eyes, snotty nose. He rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks and smiled, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to my lips.
I’d kissed Carter dozens of times before, but this was different. It was sweet and told me he had my back, no matter what. At that moment, I swore I’d have his until I died.
All we have is us.
The kiss turned more passionate, and Carter twisted his fingers in my hair, tugging me closer, and I dug my nails into his shoulders, holding him firm underneath me.
My pelvis rocked against his, my clit suddenly pulsing as it rubbed over the thickening length in his pants.
We shouldn’t do this, some part of me thought. This isn’t right. But God, it felt right, like the only thing I needed in the world. Ivy had broken up with him, broken up with both of us. So had Lex. Were we free to now have each other?
The thought made me break away with a gasp, touching my lips as I stared down at Carter.
“We shouldn’t do this,” I murmured.
“I know,” he said. But he didn’t move.
And neither did I.