Chapter 15 #2
‘Good on you, mate. About time she accepted some help with it. We’ve been nagging her for years. What made you change your mind, Mum?’
‘It’s not only me anymore, is it?’ answered Kate simply. ‘It makes a difference. And Sam has been kind, giving us so much of his time. And he’s been brilliant with Liam,’ she added in a whisper so Liam — who was busy telling Sam something — couldn’t hear.
Dan raised his eyebrow in query and looked from Jen to Sam and then back to Jen.
Jen felt a blush rise from deep within her and flood her cheeks. The whole family were all too aware of Jen’s past entanglement with Sam, and Dan was obviously wondering if something was going on.
‘Grandma!’ said Liam, running over to them. ‘Sam says he has to go. He can stay, can’t he?’
‘Of course he can. We’d like him to. You will stay, won’t you, Sam?’
Sam glanced at Jen, but she looked away, still embarrassed by Dan’s teasing glance.
‘No, I should go,’ said Sam, when he received no encouragement from Jen.
‘Nonsense,’ Dan said, breaking the uneasy silence with a casualness that belied the scrutiny in his eyes. ‘It’s been ages since we caught up and, besides, it looks like Lucy has prepared enough food for an army.’
‘Please stay, Sam, we’d love you to,’ said Kate.
‘I don’t want to impose, Kate.’
‘You are not imposing,’ she said firmly.
‘Hey!’ shouted a voice from behind Sam. ‘How come the front door’s locked?’ Sam stepped aside to reveal Ellie, who dropped her bags and opened her arms wide. ‘Ta-da! The wanderer returns!’
After Jen had given her middle sister Ellie a hug, she turned around to find Kate frowning at her. ‘Jen, tell Sam you want him to stay. I think he’d like you to ask him.’
She shrugged. ‘Maybe he has other things on. Other people he’d like to be with. I’m sure his world doesn’t revolve around us.’
Kate tutted.
‘Anyway, I want to hang out with my kid sister,’ she said, putting her arm around Ellie.
‘And I want to catch up on all your news,’ said Ellie.
But, by the time Lucy had lured Ellie and Dan inside to help with the drinks, Jen’s conscience had pricked her sufficiently for her to go in search of Sam.
Whatever fears and doubts she had about the undercurrents, which were hard to ignore, she owed him.
He’d been generous with the time and attention he’d given Kate and Liam.
She found Sam with Liam in a corner of the garden away from the verandah. She smiled to herself. It seemed both of them found the MacLeod family a little overwhelming. She wasn’t surprised.
‘Sam, you will stay for lunch, won’t you?’
‘I don’t want to be in the way.’
‘You won’t be.’ She paused. ‘I’d like you to stay.’
It was the truth. No matter what she pretended, her feelings for him ran deep, and she’d always enjoyed his company. He made her feel good. Made her feel more like the girl she’d once been. Maybe even the woman she could be again.
‘In that case, I’d like to stay.’
‘Come on then, Lucy’s just serving up.’
Jen had ensured that she was seated away from Sam. She couldn’t deny there was something going on — albeit under the surface — between them, and she didn’t want to face it, encourage it, or be asked questions about it by her nosy siblings. And her ploy had worked.
It was only after the long lunch had ended and the afternoon was waning, did Jen move close to where Dan was talking with Sam.
In the kitchen, Lucy and Ellie were swapping recipes, while, in the garden, Kate and Liam were checking for aphids.
So Jen took some cheese and crackers and curled up on the cushions and listened to Dan joke with Sam about the things they’d got up to as teenagers. They’d been good mates and attended the same schools in the same years, and had seen a lot of each other in Sydney.
‘So,’ said Dan, ‘I heard a rumour that you’re single now. What happened to your marriage?’
A flicker of pain crossed Sam’s face, quickly masked. ‘Ended.’
Dan shook his head. ‘Ah, sorry to hear that but, you know, I really liked Sarah. I mean, she was beautiful, but…’
‘I know,’ said Sam. ‘She wasn’t right for me, and so when it ended it was a relief for both of us. She’s already with another bloke.’
‘Worked out in the end then.’
‘Yes, but the trouble is, she’s made it difficult for me to see my stepdaughter over the last few years.’
‘Sorry to hear that, man,’ Dan responded, his tone genuine. Jen felt a stab of empathy; she knew the ache of separation all too well.
‘Here,’ Sam said, pulling out his phone and swiping through pictures. ‘This is my girl.’ He held up the screen proudly for Dan to see. After a few moments, he turned the screen to Jen.
She leaned forward, her curiosity piqued. The girl was older than she imagined — a beautiful young teenager with long golden hair and a big, hopeful smile.
‘She’s lovely.’ And she was. But Jen felt weird about this young woman, about whom she knew nothing, playing such a central role in Sam’s life.
Of course, like her, he’d had a life these past fifteen years.
They both might have returned to the village of their birth, but they weren’t the same people. ‘What’s her name?’
‘Ailsa,’ he said in a soft voice.
‘Ailsa,’ repeated Jen. ‘Lovely name.’
‘And she’s a lovely girl.’
‘I can see that.’
‘I don’t mean only looks. She really is a kind girl. She’d do anything for anyone. The difficulty will be protecting her.’
‘Ah, protecting someone is always hard.’
‘Yeah, I know. I’ve found that out already. I just love her, you know?’
Jen nodded. ‘And loving someone is even harder,’ she said with a smile that wasn’t reciprocated.
Their gazes tangled, and neither spoke. Dan broke the silence by clearing his throat and jumping up. ‘I’d best help the girls in the kitchen before I’m called a chauvinist.’
‘Tell me about her, Sam. If you want to, that is.’
Sam sat back and relaxed against the cushions, glancing out at the horizon as if finding it easier to think about his stepdaughter if he looked in her direction, even if it was over 2,000 kms away.
‘She was eight when I married her mother, Sarah. Her birth father had no interest in her, so I regard her as mine. We were always close until I separated from Sarah, who puts every obstacle she can between us. She still seems to want to punish me for not living the kind of life she wanted to live. So Ailsa and I meet whenever we can. It’s easier now she’s older.
But of course she loves her mum and doesn’t want to upset her. And I love Ailsa.’
Jen looked down at the table, shifting her glass onto a beer mat for something to do as her mind insisted on dwelling on the word ‘love’.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.
She looked up sharply. ‘I’m wondering if you’ve told her you love her.’
‘Yes. If there’s one thing I learnt about not telling you all those years ago, it’s that I need to be clear about my feelings. Not imagine that just because I feel them, that other people should somehow know what I’m thinking, know what I’m feeling. I make it quite clear now.’
‘Good,’ she said, unable to prevent the feeling of sadness that her loss had been others’ gain.
‘I mucked up fifteen years ago. Big time. I took you for granted and never told you what I felt, what you meant to me. But I’m here for you now. If you want me.’
‘I…’ She shook her head, unable to voice the contradictory feelings.
She’d only just left her ex, although she’d left him emotionally many years earlier.
And she knew she had deep feelings for Sam, but how could she tell him what they were when there was no way she could turn to him on the rebound?
He deserved better than that. Liam deserved better than that.
The only person she wasn’t sure of was herself.
‘I know it’s too soon.’ He grunted. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘I’m glad you did. But I haven’t got a clear head yet. I’m still scared my past will catch up with me.’
‘Just know this, Jen, I will not make the same mistake again of not telling you how I feel. I love you. It’s that simple, and it’s that complicated. I love you. There, it’s out there, to do with what you will.’
And she didn’t know what to do with his words. They wrapped around her heart and mind, filling her with confusion and joy in equal measure. She had no idea what her expression was conveying to Sam.
‘It’s OK,’ said Sam with a smile. ‘You don’t have to say anything. It’s only me who had to. It’s only me who was long overdue in saying how I feel.’
‘Hey, Sam!’ called Ellie, stepping out onto the verandah, oblivious to what was going on. ‘Where’s this house Dan said you’re building?’ Ellie peered over the verandah.’
‘You can’t see it from here. It’s up the beach a bit.’
She grabbed his hand and pulled. ‘Come on, Sam. Come and show me. I’d love to see. I have a thing about beach houses.’
Sam didn’t move but glanced at Jen. It was obvious he’d prefer to continue their conversation. But even if she wanted to, she couldn’t. It was premature. She wasn’t ready.
‘You show Ellie,’ said Jen. ‘I should go help. I can hear Lucy preparing supper already.’
Without waiting for a reply, she jumped up and stepped inside.
She paused at a window and watched Sam and Ellie walk out to the sand dunes.
He pointed north, the sea breeze tossing his golden hair.
He might be fifteen years older now, and those years had changed him for the good, but he was still essentially the same man.
It seemed he’d grown emotionally as well as physically.
But some things had stayed the same. His eyes.
His smile. And, apparently, his feelings for her.
She turned her back on the window and went in search of the others, a different woman from the one who’d woken up this morning. Because, despite the brevity of their conversation, Sam had given her something she hadn’t felt in years. Hope.