Chapter 34
Penny
“You’re smiling,” Banks says as she walks into her living room in a very odd way.
It’s late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve, and I’ve been curled up on the couch with my new niece while my sister took a much-needed nap and shower.
“Of course I’m smiling,” I coo to the little bundle in my arms. “I’m holding the most beautiful baby girl in the world, aren’t I? Yes, yes, I am.” I turn to my sister. “But hey, um, why are you walking like that?”
“You’d be waddling too if you pushed a nearly ten-pound baby out of your hoo-hah Sunday night and were now sporting a frozen adult diaper.”
“You’re wearing a frozen adult diaper?” My nose scrunches.
“You bet I am. With witch hazel sprinkled on it. It’s fucking fantastic.” She eases herself onto the sofa. “But back to why you’re really smiling. Spill.”
“I am smiling because of my precious little niece, and… because Matt and I had a nice text exchange last night.”
“Nice?” She cocks her head to the side. “It was nice?”
“Yeah, it was nice,” I say defensively.
What’s she getting at?
“Sister, we don’t have time for nice! We need you two to ditch ‘nice’ and get back to banging under the Christmas tree!”
“You get sassier after you give birth,” I say. “Did you know that?”
“So I’ve been told,” she says after a long sip of her water. “Something about the energy of life thundering through one’s loins and literally pressing a human being into its slippery existence cuts through the proverbial crap, ya know?”
I laugh. “I’ll take your word for it.”
My sister was set to be induced at the end of the month, but this little girl in my arms clearly had different plans. When I got Banks’s text right at the end of the kids’ holiday show, saying she was in labor, I had no choice but to immediately catch a train to Connecticut.
Thankfully, I made it to the hospital in plenty of time and witnessed my sister being an absolute rock star.
Somewhere between her contractions, giving birth, and getting settled with the baby at home, Banks managed to pull the whole story out of me about how Matt and I came together and how we eventually fell apart.
She had—shall we say—strong feelings that I need to make things right with him, especially after I bailed on our post-show discussion with no explanation.
I worried that he might have already given up on me. But once the baby bliss had settled a bit, I decided to test the waters, sending Matt a quick apology and a photo of me with my new niece.
He responded instantly with a series of rapid-fire texts.
Matt: What a beautiful girl. (The baby is cute, too). Congrats to you and the whole family. And Merry Christmas, Pennywise. My greatest wish for the new year is you.
Matt: Wait. Do people make wishes for the new year?
Matt: No. They make resolutions for the new year.
Matt: My greatest resolution for the new year is you.
Matt: That made no sense. Basically, I miss you.
I meant it with all my heart when I said I love you, and I absolutely want to work things out and be with you.
But if that’s not what you want, I will still be here for you, as your friend.
You know where to find me if or when you’re ready to talk. Over and out.
Matt: Sorry I said over and out. I’m voice dictating these texts because my hands are full at the gym. Over and out.
Matt: Damnit, there’s no hope for me. Over and out.
That man always knows how to crack me up.
I took a moment, got brave, and sent off my wish for the new year.
Me: But maybe there’s still hope for us?
Again, he responded immediately.
Matt: Abso-fucking-lutely, Pennywise.
With a huge smile on my face, I sent him one more message before shutting down my phone.
Me: Merry Christmas, Matt. I’ll call you when I’m back in the city.
“What?” I say to Banks, who is staring at me with a knowing look on her face.
Clearly, she caught me daydreaming.
“You were doing that dopey smile again.”
I lean my head back on the couch and sigh. “He’s just so damn sweet.”
“So get him back, woman!”
“I’m going to try, but—”
“But what?”
Just then, the doorbell rings.
“Who’s that?” I ask. Banks assured me that this Christmas Eve would be spent one hundred percent vegging at her house with the kids and “waiting for Santa.” She’s not expecting any guests.
“Promise you won’t be mad.” My sister winces.
“Banks, what did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything.” She holds her hands up in defense mode. “Someone just said they wanted to see you. So I told that someone it would be okay if they wanted to stop by for a few minutes.”
“Oh my god, is that someone Matt?”
Please let that someone be Matt.
“Here, why don’t you hand me the baby and go find out for yourself?” she says.
I hand over my sleeping niece, quickly finger comb my hair, and practically sprint to the front of the house.
I fling open the door, my heart pounding. “I’m so happy you’re here, I can hardly—”
But it’s not Matt waiting for me on the other side.
“Hello, dear.”
It’s my mother.
A few minutes later, the Whitaker women are relaxing in the living room together, mostly in silence. Well, truth be told, the three of us are trying to relax, but there’s definite tension in the air because of how we left things at the holiday party.
My mother holds the baby while she sleeps. Maternal energy doesn’t exactly come naturally to her, but she smiles down at her granddaughter from time to time and seems to be enjoying that new baby magic as much as she’s able.
“How nice that you were able to come see Banks for the birth.” My mother breaks the silence. “I imagine Christmas Eve is a busy time at the store with people doing last-minute shopping?”
Did my mother just ask me a question about my job?
“It is, yeah,” I say, not hiding the surprise in my tone. “But I have a pretty amazing boss, and she understood how important this was to me, so she made it work.”
“That’s nice,” my mom says. “What is your boss’s name?”
I swallow. “Dottie?”
Obviously, I know Dottie’s name and don’t have to phrase it like a question, but I just can’t believe my mom’s asking me questions about my life.
I certainly complain about Herald’s sometimes and still fantasize about the day I can quit, but the truth is that it’s been a safe and wonderful place for me these past ten years.
It brought me my best friends.
It brought me Matt.
When I consider it that way, the only thing I feel when I think about Herald’s is pride.
“And your beau mentioned choreographing a holiday show. How is that going?” There’s a sadness clinging to her, just like that moment I clocked at her party, but she pushes through the emotion. “Perhaps I can come see it if you—”
“It was two nights ago,” I say gently.
She stares down at the baby, hiding her gaze from me. “Of course it was. That makes sense. Schools are on break now and—”
“Mom, what’s happening right now?” I ask.
She lifts her face, and a tear rolls down her cheek. “I left your father this morning.”
“Holy shit.” I turn to Banks. “Sorry. I shouldn’t curse in front of the baby.”
“Don’t worry about it, she’s fucking sleeping,” my sister says in a breathy tone, her eyes glued to our mother like she can’t believe what she’s hearing from her either.
We both sit in silence, waiting for her to say more.
“It was time.” She takes a deep breath. “Frankly, it was long overdue. But you both know that.”
“You can stay here,” Banks says quickly. “As long as you need.”
“You think I’m going to let that man keep the house?” She chuckles haughtily, and it’s surprisingly good to hear her laugh. “Absolutely not.” She clears her throat. “I, uh, I didn’t come here to ask anything of you girls. I came to apologize. To both of you.”
In all my thirty-two years, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother apologize.
This feels like a Christmas miracle.
“I didn’t set the best example for you. I was…” She searches for the words. “I think I was so caught up in your father—in keeping your father—that I– ”
She chokes on a sob.
“Take it slow, Mom,” I say. “Everything’s okay.”
She nods. “Thank you.“
The way she’s looking at me with such hopeful innocence, I suddenly feel like she’s the child and I’m the parent.
She continues, breathing a bit steadier now.
“I thought that if I looked a certain way, if I could be a certain way… then he would be mine. Only mine. Clearly, that’s never really worked, but that didn’t keep me from passing all my nonsense onto you two.
” She looks down at the baby again, then back at us.
“I’m truly sorry, girls. There was never anything about you that needed to change. ”
“Thanks, Mom. That means…God, that really means a lot to me.”
I slide onto the couch where she’s sitting, and for the first time in I-don’t-know-how-many years, I wrap my arms around her and hug my mother.
I whisper in her ear, “You know it’s possible that all this time, there was also never anything you needed to change about you.”
“Well, I don’t know about that,” she harrumphs.
Seems that with my mother, progress will come in baby steps.
And that’s totally okay with me.
“Alright. I’ve taken up enough of your time,” she says after my hug lasts a little too long for her comfort level, I suppose. “Take your beautiful baby, Banks.”
Banks takes the baby from her as they both stand, my mother moving immediately toward the door.
“That’s it?” I call after her. “You headed out?”
She turns. “It’s been a long day. I’m staying with friends tonight, and they’re expecting me. Thank you for… well.”
She doesn’t finish her thought, and neither of us needs her to.
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” I say.
“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”
And then, she’s gone, leaving my sister and me staring at each other in silence, wondering what the hell just happened.
If my mom and I can take steps to make things right between us, it feels like anything is possible.
“I know that look,” Banks says.
“What look?” I pat my face, trying to figure out what she’s talking about.
“The look that says you’re about to hop a train back to the city to get your man.”
I laugh. “Since when do I have an I’m-about-to-hop-a-train-back-to-the-city-to-get-my-man face?”
“Since right now!” she squeals, quietly though, because the baby is still sleeping. “You’re going, aren’t you?”
“Is that okay?” I wince. “I mean, it’s Christmas Eve, and I came here to be with you, and—”
“Penny Whitaker, if you don’t pack your bag and leave this house as soon as possible, I’ll never speak to you again.”
My face breaks out into the biggest grin. “I love you, sister.”
“I love you too. Now go get your man.”