Chapter 19
LUKE
Itossed and turned most of the night, wrestling with my bed sheets and my conscience.
Walking away from Clara was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
It seemed like the right thing to do, though, and I tried to be a good man.
I didn’t always succeed but I always tried. That had to count for something.
When had my life spiraled out of control? Probably when I agreed to the stupid bet with Troy. My pride and anger had gotten the better of me and I had agreed to the terms without really thinking what the consequences might be. And now I was miserable and restless in my own home, feeling trapped.
No matter how I lay in bed, I couldn’t get comfortable. It wasn’t the mattress. I had paid a fortune for it and it usually cradled me like a big, white, fluffy cloud. Tonight it was a lumpy gray thunderhead, fighting me at every turn.
Time stretched out for me in the darkness.
I felt every second now that I was apart from Clara again.
She was just down the hall, but she might as well be in outer space.
That would have been better actually. Then I wouldn’t be forced to restrain myself, relying on willpower alone to keep from acting on my urges.
Desire rampaged through me like a wild beast. I wanted to kick her door down and tear her clothes off. I wanted to drag her onto the roof like King fucking Kong and shout at the world that she was mine. I wanted to make her come so hard she forgot her own name.
Instead, I was alone in my bed, wondering if there was a way to tie myself to the bedframe without another person’s help.
I dropped to the floor and did some push-ups, setting a punishing rhythm. The restless energy had to go somewhere. Sweaty and breathless, the thoughts still tormented me.
I should have picked someone else. Someone there was no chance of me falling for her. Maybe someone who spoke a different language, ensuring we could never connect on a personal level like I had with Clara.
This deal had tainted everything. I would always worry the money was influencing her.
Gratitude could make people want things they didn’t normally.
It could make people attracted to someone they normally wouldn’t be.
People fell in love with their doctors all the time because they made them feel better.
Our situation was no different. She had stars in her eyes when she looked at me, but had I purchased that affection? I never wanted to feel like I bought my way into her pants or her heart.
When we had reconnected, her life wasn’t on the best trajectory. She was out of work, moving back in with her parents, and struggling with feelings of self-worth. Then I swooped in like her fairy godfather and held a big wad of cash over her head, promising to make all her worries go away.
If she thought I wanted to have sex with her, of course she would feel obligated to give me what I want. But I never wanted her to feel any kind of pressure like that. If anything was going to happen between us again, I had to know she wanted me for real.
She would have to make the next move.
I slept in fits and starts and finally gave up when the sun peeked through the windows. With a sigh, I threw the tangled sheets off me and got up to splash some water on my face. It didn’t do much to wake me up but it washed away some of the desperate feelings tearing me up.
Caffeine. That was next. A nice hot espresso to banish the sleepy demons possessing me. Then I could stare pensively out the windows and try to get my thoughts in order before Clara woke up and threw my world back into sexy chaos.
She was already in the kitchen.
Clara turned toward me with a shy smile on her face, like she was happy to see me but wasn’t sure if she should be. It broke down the walls I’d been working all night to build up around my heart.
“You’re up early,” I said, feeling it was a safe topic.
“I’m perfecting the use of your espresso machine,” she said. “Would you like some?”
“I’d love some. Thank you.” I knew I needed to say something about the night before, about the kiss we shouldn’t have indulged in. I had been beating myself up about it all night, and the problem didn’t seem more manageable in the light of day.
Clara looked at me, at my lips, then took a breath like she was also remembering how we’d parted last night. I had to brace my hands on the kitchen island to restrain myself from taking her right then and there.
All the lectures I had given myself the night before hadn’t worked, apparently. I wanted her just as much, if not more. Something was wrong with me for sure. I was never like this.
“Did you sleep okay?” Clara asked, smiling.
I chuckled darkly, shaking my head at her. “Do you enjoy pressing all my buttons and getting under my skin?”
She cocked her head, confused. “Is that what I’ve been doing?”
I wagged a finger at her. “All I’m saying is this can’t actually happen.”
Clara grinned. “We’re just having coffee, aren’t we?”
I rounded the island. “Are you doing this on purpose?”
“Doing what?”
“Being perfect. Wooing my coworkers until the entire office worships the ground you walk on, having everyone wrapped around your finger.”
She just stared at me, shocked. “Isn’t that what you wanted? To impress your coworkers?”
“Yes, and you’re doing an amazing job,” I said. “Especially pretending to be my girlfriend. In fact, I didn’t sleep at all last night because I kept replaying that kiss.”
“Oh, right.”
“I kept thinking about how far I could have taken it if I were a weaker man.”
Clara tilted her chin, arching a brow. “Are you saying you’d like to sleep with me?”
“What I’m saying is you’re Nic’s little sister and you need to stop playing around like this.”
She smirked and met my gaze. “I’m supposed to be playing the part of your girlfriend. I was a theater major. Acting is in my blood. So I can play the part without letting it get too real. I’m just having fun.”
“This isn’t my idea of fun.” I ground my teeth, unsure if this was a fight or not. Clara was just as sharp as I was, but hid her wit and intellect behind sunshine and rainbows. Me? I internalized it, pushing people away, just like I was trying to do to Clara, but she wasn’t backing down.
She took a step toward me, then another. “You get so cranky when your blood sugar is low, I’ve noticed that about you. Eat a piece of candy or something. It’ll do wonders for that grumpy face of yours.”
She brushed past me and I turned to watch her. “Where are you going?” I asked. “Don’t forget we have that office party tonight.”
“I have to run by the store to grab a few last-minute things for the party,” she said. “So I’m going to get ready. Find yourself a snack in the meantime.”
I heard her bedroom door snap shut and I allowed myself to fantasize about following her in there, stripping each other nude, and ignoring all the things I had just said to her about not taking things too far.
My phone buzzed on the counter and Nic’s name sucked me back to my senses. I had dodged his call the day before. There was no way to ignore him again without starting to look suspicious.
I answered. “Nic, what’s up, dude?”
“There you are,” he said. “What’s up is the same as yesterday before you hung up on me, you dick.”
I chuckled, playing it off. “Sorry, man, work is nuts. I wasn’t trying to be rude.”
“It’s fine. But have you talked to my sister? She’s been really weird about this whole New York trip.”
I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “Clara is actually with me right now, staying at my place. I was going to tell you yesterday and then I got called away to a meeting.”
I waited for the explosion of brotherly rage to come screaming down the phone like hot fire, but Nic sighed with relief. “Thank God. I’d hoped so. She needs someone who knows their way around the city. She mentioned she’s made some connections already.”
I smiled. “I introduced her to some friends, and you should have seen her, Nic. Your sister wowed them, man. They recruited her to decorate for my office’s Christmas party, which is kind of a big deal.”
Nic laughed. “She’s a little firecracker, that kid. I always knew she was destined for bigger and better things.”
“Well, the Christmas party isn’t the only gig she landed,” I said. “I think she’s got a meeting with a Broadway director or something. You’d have to ask her the details on that. I was too in awe, watching her charm the pants off these people.”
“That’s great news,” he said. “Don’t get me wrong. I love having her in Texas with me, but her dreams are bigger than Harrison City. And at least I know you’re out there to keep an eye on her for me. You’re a good friend.”
“You know it,” I said, feeling guilty as sin.
“Just don’t let her charm the pants off you, too.” Nic laughed.
I forced myself to join him, as if she hadn’t already put me under her spell. “No time for any of that. The holidays are the busiest season for me, with football in full swing.”
“I caught your show the other night,” he said. “Were you wearing makeup?”
This time, my laugh was genuine. “Dude, they make me wear that. Apparently, I’m too shiny to be on camera without a few layers. I’ve learned not to argue with them.”
“They need to hide that ugly mug so it doesn’t break the cameras,” Nic joked.
I missed him. The friends I had in the city were made after I was famous. Unlike them, Nic didn’t see me as the TV guy. I was still his dumbass buddy from Texas and he still busted my balls like we were in the locker room together.
We talked a little more about nothing and said our goodbyes. He thanked me one final time for looking after Clara, and I told him it was my pleasure, even though it was also like torture.
When we hung up, I sat in my kitchen, staring into my espresso.
The conversation with Nic had gone a lot better than I had expected it to.
Instead of being mad or suspicious, he was thrilled I was watching his sister.
And it just made me feel guiltier. Because clearly he trusted me so much that he didn’t even suspect I would make a move on her.
I thought this was going to be easy but Clara might actually drive me insane. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it until Christmas.