Chapter 5
Orlando
“Yeah, but I wanted to go see the hotels and the shows. They’ve got big shows and little shows and funny shows and circus kind of shows.” It was a sparkly city too. “They got lights and fancy women in big hats—I saw them on TV—and the machines that make the berries go round and round.”
I’d seen that on TV too.
“I think your Daddy would really like that kind of vacation.” Bastian mumbled something about not realizing there was so much safe stuff, but I didn’t understand it, so I ignored it.
I was going to play and have fun and not do anything I didn’t want to.
Because I wasn’t big and Bastian wouldn’t care.
We were both pretending he wasn’t a Daddy, but he was doing Daddy stuff which was nice.
“There’s a big M and M’s store…or at least there was the last time I was there…and they probably have lots of fun places to shop for toys.” Daddy Bastian tilted his head and looked confused. “There should be. If not, they’ve designed that city wrong.”
“Lots of people do wrong stuff.” Like being mean or telling littles they have to be big all the time. “Sometimes they don’t know it’s wrong.”
Daddy Bastian made a thinky sound. “You’re right.”
“My father keeps saying I have to be a good adult and grow a beard to look like a big boy. He’s kind of cranky about it but I just nod and pretend he’s not wrong.
” It didn’t help to tell him he was wrong.
Being scruffy wasn’t bad but it didn’t make me be big.
“He’s wrong a lot. I don’t have to be a big boy all the time.
Terrence and Enzo said so. Well, they said so to Terrence, but it counts for me too. ”
“You’re right.” Daddy Bastian leaned against the door and smiled as my trucks zoomed faster. He didn’t think I had to be a big boy even if he was pretending to be not a Daddy. “Did you talk to Enzo about not wanting to be a big boy all the time?”
“Nope.” Vroom. Vroom. “I don’t have to.”
“You’re very smart, cutie. Why don’t you want to, though?” Daddy Bastian made a thinking sound again. “If Terrence is little then they’d understand. He’d probably want to play.”
I shrugged but Daddy Bastian made another thinking sound.
He was stubborn.
He was stubborn about me being safe and about pretending he wasn’t a Daddy and about pretending he didn’t stare at my butt.
He liked my butt.
He told his work friend that I had a…he’d said naughty things that made me giggle.
“Family is nosy and happy and bossy. I don’t want anyone telling me how to be a good little or what to do.” Terrence was kind of bossy too which was why he fit in so good with everyone. “I’m just gonna be me and not tell.”
Hmm…
“You can’t tell either.” I gave him my big frown that I used when I was a work grown-up. “That’s my limit. You can’t tell. I learned about limits after Terrence kept talking to himself about them.”
He was really helpful.
Daddy Bastian held up his hands and nodded faster-faster. “I promise I won’t tell.”
Because he was a good Daddy even if he was still playing pretend about it.
“Thank you.” I was a good boy, though, and used my manners. Terrence said good boys with manners got better rewards, but I wasn’t sure Daddy Bastian knew that yet.
“You’re welcome.” Daddy Bastian made thinking sounds again. He liked doing that. “We need to make sure you don’t have anything online that might talk about you being little, though. Do you have anything like that? It’s okay if you do but that might tell them even if you didn’t want them to see it?”
Daddy Bastian thought he was being sneaky.
I pretended to make thinking sounds. “I got a name on an app. I’ll take that down. My Secret Santa probably already saw it, so I don’t need it anymore.”
And I’d just made it so Daddy Bastian could see it.
I was all done with apps…all done with emails and messages and weird-looking penises.
Some people didn’t know their penis wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t my job to tell them that. I was nice and I had good manners.
I really hoped Daddy Bastian had a nice penis, but I’d like him even if it was bent and an angry, weird color like an ogre penis.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Daddy Bastian got a frowny face. “You might not like the people you meet on there.”
Like Daddy Bastian?
He was on there but he wasn’t with his real name. He had a fake name but his pic showed his couch in the back. I was smart. I found him and giggled. But I didn’t tell him.
“They have weird penises and are nosy.” Daddy Bastian coughed like he had a big frog in his throat.
“If I want nosy, I’ll call my mother. She’s nosy.
” It was kind of helpful sometimes. She always knew everything.
“She tells everyone stuff that I don’t want to talk about.
I tell her and she tells them. It’s what she does. ”
Daddy Bastian pretended not to laugh for a few more seconds before he let out a big sigh. “Yes, you’ve got plenty of nosy people already in your life and you don’t need to see weird penises. I’m sorry people sent you pictures like that.”
I shrugged. “That’s just what men do. Men send you penises and women send you weird questions like…if you were a book what kind of book would you be.”
That was a hard one.
“If you tell them you’re a cute book they think you’re weird. If you tell them you’re a dirty book they think you’re weird. If you tell them you’re a smart book that talks about history they think you’re weird and boring. I haven’t figured out the right answer to that question yet.”
Women were a lot of work.
That’s why I was going to get a Daddy and have him be the caretaker one because Terrence said littles got to be hard work.
“Are you sure there’s a right answer?” Daddy Bastian asked a good question.
“No.” I’d given up and stopped talking to the girls who asked hard questions. “But there has to be, right?”
Turning my trucks around, I zoomed back the other direction as Daddy Bastian frowned again. “I think they might be asking you stupid questions to see how you respond when they tell you that you’re wrong.”
People were hard.
Girls were hard.
Boys were hard.
That was why I was going to get myself a Daddy so I didn’t have to date people anymore.
“I’m not wrong. Sometimes I’m a dirty book and sometimes I’m a cute book. Sometimes I’m a fun book. Sometimes I’m a thinking book.” I had a lot of books in me. “Terrence would say I’m right. I know it.”
“He sounds very smart and I think you’re right too.” Daddy Bastian nodded but he was looking like his tummy hurt and he was trying to hide it. “How…how about we go play with your trucks in the living room? You need more space to race them and I’ll make you a snack if you’re hungry.”
“I didn’t make lunch. I forgot.” It was hard to remember. “My tummy’s talking now.”
It got loud but that was okay because it was a good helper.
“Then you can race your trucks and I’ll make us some lunch.” Daddy Bastian straightened and looked happier. He didn’t like not having Daddy stuff to do. Enzo liked having Daddy stuff to do too.
“I like racing.” I liked food too. “Can I have nuggets or a peanut butter sandwich? Those aren’t grown-up stuff, so I hide them, but you don’t care about that, right?”
He was a Daddy, so he couldn’t care about it.
Ha.
He shook his head. “No, I don’t care about that kind of stuff. Who cares?”
“Everybody.” I rolled my eyes making Daddy Bastian laugh. “Enzo says eat more salads. My mother says don’t eat junk. My father says nuggets are for kids.”
Everyone had lots to say and always cared about my tummy.
It was kind of weird.
“Your father has very strange views on what makes a grown-up.” Daddy Bastian shook his head as he picked off more of my trucks off the big flower pile. “He told me one time that real men don’t eat salad.”
“Enzo eats salad. His mother says greens make you poop.” She was nosy too. “She worries about that.”
Daddy Bastian laughed. “We’re not going to worry about that unless we have to, so nuggets and fun stuff for lunch.”
Yay.
“Come on. I think I have them all.” Daddy Bastian frowned at the flowers when he thought I wasn’t looking but he smiled fast when I turned to him. “Let’s go play.”
He didn’t like my Secret Santa Daddy.
No giggles.
No giggles.
Had to be serious.
“I like playing. I’m going to pick out more toys.
Do you think my Daddy would want to pick out toys with me?
Are toys like making me not a boy virgin?
I couldn’t decide.” Daddy Bastian turned red then white and then when he got back to his real color he sighed and said something to God I couldn’t hear.
When he was ready to talk to me again, he sounded normal. “I think he’d want you to be happy, first and foremost. That’s what’s important.”
Taking another deep breath—Daddies seemed to do that a lot—Daddy Bastian explained more.
“So to me, I think you should get toys that you like and want to have fun with. Then when you decide to trust your Daddy and have him in your life, you can pick out more with him. There are always more toys to get.”
I liked more toy logic.
“That’s good. I didn’t want to wait for that part.” I liked toys. “I can wait for other stuff. I’m patient.”
And fingers and stuff were fun too.
Daddy Bastian groaned. “Just remember, your Daddy should love you no matter what you’ve done before you met him.”
“I’ll remember.” I got excited as Daddy Bastian put all my cars and trucks on the table. “But I know not to rush now. I don’t do that anymore. I did it once and I’m smart now.”
Daddy Bastian straightened and held his breath for a second before he escaped it softly. “What happened when you rushed?”
“Some girls are bossy and she said I had to do it to make her happy. It didn’t make her happy.
” Some people didn’t know what made them happy.
“So I told Enzo and he got mad and said never to do anything I didn’t want to again.
So I didn’t. He threatened to tell my mother if I couldn’t promise to stand up for myself better. ”
Daddy Bastian grumbled as loud as Enzo had but he didn’t explode. “Enzo is right, but I think he should’ve had a few more conversations about that instead of getting mad at you. But yes, we don’t do anything we don’t want to when it comes to relationship stuff.”
Like sex.
Sex was supposed to be relationship stuff but some people didn’t understand that.
“That’s limits. I learned to say no, but I didn’t understand limits until I met Terrence. He talked about limits a lot.” And fun stuff and naughty stuff. “He’s smart.”
“He sounds very helpful.” Daddy Bastian went back to grumbling, but he didn’t do it loud or a lot. He was nicer than Enzo when he was frustrated. “You’re also going to remember that you can always talk to me about figuring out limits stuff. I won’t get mad if something happens, though.”
Hmm.
“Promise? Everyone gets loud.” Everyone who was family got loud. Terrence didn’t get loud but he told his friend that getting even was better. “I don’t like loud.”
But I remembered it, so maybe that was why they did it?
“Promise.” Daddy Bastian made another big breath sound and crouched down beside me. He kissed my head just like a Daddy would even though he was still playing pretend. “I will not get angry and loud, no matter what.”
“I’m gonna trust you because you’re special and important and you’re a good helper too.” It was nice to have a Daddy around even if he was still trying to hide his Daddy stuff. “You don’t lie and you’re funny.”
Daddy Bastian chuckled. “I’m not sure the funny part goes in with the rest.”
“I do.” That was important too because his hiding was funny so that made it not a lie. “Funny is good because it makes me smile and doesn’t make me want to hide from you.”
Sometimes I had to hide from a lot of people because they weren’t funny and made my tummy wobbly.
“I’m glad you think I’m funny, then.” Daddy Bastian made thinking sounds as he ran his hand over my head and petted me like a puppy. “I think you’re funny too, so that’s perfect.”
Perfect together.
He was just so good at playing pretend he didn’t know it yet.
Daddy Bastian was good at playing pretend because he’d been doing it a long time.
“Perfect.” I zoomed my cars around the table and made him laugh. “I want to color and watch a movie after lunch. What do you want to watch?”
Terrence said the littles who got the best stuff assumed they’d get their stuff. Daddies didn’t like saying no or making littles sad so it worked a lot.
He was really smart because Daddy Bastian groaned.
I pretended not to hear and zoomed again. “Look. The red one won. You got a red car. This is a red truck. I’m gonna need a red car so I can zoom you.”
Ha.
He chuckled and looked super-duper happy. “I think that’s a great idea. That way anytime you play with your cars you’ll think of me.”
Hmm…
Was Daddy Bastian jealous of my Secret Santa?
Terrence would say that was a good thing, but I didn’t smile too big because I was still being sneaky.
“I like thinking of you.” Daddy Bastian liked my big smile and even rubbed my back. “You got a pretty car. It’ll win all the races.”
Daddy Bastian liked cars.
My mother said it was because he was having his midlife crisis early, but he just liked pretending to go fast and be naughty. Everyone played pretend about something. Terrence said so and he was always right about that kind of stuff.
“I don’t go too fast in real life.” Daddy Bastian’s grin said he wanted to, though. “But I think my car would win against the other ones here.”
He was so silly.
“We can watch Cars after lunch.” Yes, he’d like that. “Do you like dessert with lunch or dinner? Terrence said littles get dessert because it makes them happy.”
Daddy Bastian raised one eyebrow, but I pretended not to see. “He’s got a lot of helpful information.”
“He’s smart.” And he was funny too. “He makes everyone laugh.”
I didn’t tell Daddy Bastian that Terrence was kind of naughty…Terrence said that would be oversharing. I wasn’t sure why that was oversharing and talking about penises and grown-up things wasn’t, but that was okay. He was smart and smart people were confusing sometimes.
Daddy Bastian wasn’t going to be confusing once he stopped playing pretend. He was going to take care of me good and play with me and do grown-up things with me.
I just had to be patient…and sneaky.
But that was okay…Terrence said so.