4. Jules
JULES
At night, when I’m lying alone in the dark and feel the walls closing in on me, it’s not my family that I miss.
It’s not my friends.
It’s me.
I miss the me I never got to be.
With every cruel word and excruciating blow, she was taken from me. I thought I’d lost her forever, but every now and then, I’d get a glimpse of her. It might’ve only been for a moment, but every time I saw her, I got a little stronger—a little less scared.
But more days than not my fear would take root, and I would be overcome by my insecurities—just like the day I met Q. I knew I had treated him terribly. I also knew he’d done nothing to deserve it, which had been weighing on me all week. To my surprise, my bad mood hadn’t gone unnoticed.
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing.”
“No, there’s something.”
“No, there’s not. I’m fine.”
“I’m not stupid, Jules. Anyone can see that something’s got your thong in a twist.” Caroline cocked her eyebrow as she added, “You’ve been in a mood for days, so what’s the deal?”
“There is no deal.”
Even though it had been over a week since the festival, my stomach still sank when I thought back to my encounter with Q.
I could still remember the way he looked at me when I was in my costume and churning butter.
I’d liked the way he stared at me with that wanton look in his eyes, and I hated myself for it.
I hated that he stirred something in me that I hadn’t felt in years. I didn’t want to feel those things.
Not now when I was finally starting to get my footing.
I knew Caroline would think I was crazy for feeling the way I did, so I told her, “I’m just tired.”
“There’s more to it than that, and you know it. Hell, you and that bad mood of yours are scaring the children.”
“What!”
“It’s true!” She stepped closer and pretended to cover her mouth as she whispered, “That poor child looked absolutely frantic.”
“What child?”
“Callie! The little girl who bolted when you were passing out the candied apples yesterday.”
“That wasn’t because of me!” I fussed. “She had to go to the bathroom, and you know it.”
“Um-hmm... If you say so.”
“Caroline!”
“Okay, fine. She had to go, but that still doesn’t explain why you’ve been in such a foul mood.” She crossed her arms and smirked. “If you ask me, I’d say it has something to do with a man. The question is... which one?”
I loved Caroline’s foul-mouth and boisterous attitude, but she would’ve just told me that I should go for it and have a fling with Q. So, I did the only thing I could. I lied. “I hate to break it to you, but you’re wrong. It has nothing to do with a man.”
“I call bullshit.” She placed her hand on her hip and sassed, “Everything was peachy-fucking-keen until Smokey’s brothers got here. As soon as they left, you became a big sour puss, and I wanna know why?”
“It had nothing to do with them,” I lied. “I’ve just started this new low-carb diet, and it’s giving me a massive headache. And I’m hungry. And I’m tired.”
“I’m not surprised,” Caroline groaned. “We aren’t meant to live without bread and potatoes. Damn. It’s inhumane to deprive ourselves like that.”
Said the girl who was a buck-twenty-five soaking wet.
“It’s not that bad. Besides, I have to do something.” I tugged at the waistband of my jeans. “I’ve eaten one too many of MJ’s candy apples, and now, I can barely fit into my jeans. I can’t believe I’ve let myself get so out of hand.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” Caroline gasped. “You look great. I would kill to have an ass like yours.”
“Whatever,” I scoffed as I glanced down at her skin-tight jeans. Caroline had one of those hourglass figures with the tiniest of waists and perfect boobs, and she always dressed to show off her assets—especially when there would be men around. “You have an amazing figure. You have to know that.”
“I do not!” She looked down at her flat stomach and grimaced. “I’ve tried everything from exercise to starving myself to get rid of this stupid pooch, but nothing works.”
“You do not have a pooch, Caroline. You’re skinny as a rail.”
Excitement flashed through her eyes as she asked, “You really think so?”
“Well, yeah. I’d be pressed to find an ounce of fat on you.” I chuckled as I teased, “You should try eating more of MJ’s apples.”
“Maybe so. I’ve gotta do something if I’m gonna snag that hot biker that was here the other day.”
“Which hot biker?”
“Oh, girl, he was so freaking hot. Surely you saw him.” A dreamy look crossed her face as she explained, “You know, the tall one with dark hair and intense, piercing eyes. He was kind of built and was covered in cool tattoos.”
I couldn’t help but think that she was talking about Q.
She’d described him to a T, but without a name, there was no way to be sure. Ten or more guys had come and gone that day, and I didn’t know many of their names. “You just described over half of Smokey’s brothers.”
“No, this guy was hot. You have to remember him. He was tall with a beard.”
“Almost all of them had a beard, Caroline.”
“I can’t believe you don’t know who I’m talking about!” She shook her head with a huff. “It’s fine. I’ll introduce you on Saturday night.”
“Wait? What’s Saturday night?”
“The party everyone’s been talking about all week... The one at Smokey’s clubhouse.”
“Oh, yeah.” Smokey had invited all of us to come out to the clubhouse for a bonfire and drinks. He said it was a small thank you for all the hard work we’d done for the past few weeks. It was a sweet gesture, but I wasn’t in the right mindset for a party. “I don’t think I’ll be going to that.”
“What are you talking about? You have to go!” Caroline argued. “It’s Smokey’s birthday, and MJ asked for us to be there to help them celebrate. They’ve hired a band and everything. It’s going to be so much fun!”
“I’m sure it will be, but I don’t do parties. At least, not anymore.”
“Why not?”
“They just aren’t for me.”
“That’s not a good reason.” She gave me her best pouty face as she pleaded, “P-lease give this one a chance. I really don’t want to go there alone.”
“I’m sure Katie will go. Just go with her.”
“You gotta be kidding me,” Caroline fussed. “There’s no way in hell I’m going to that party with her.”
“Oh, she’s not that bad.”
“Yes, she is! She has no clue how to have a good time.” Caroline rolled her eyes as she grumbled, “You should’ve seen the fit she had when I turned up the radio in the gift shop.
It was insane! There wasn’t a soul in the store, not a soul, but she kept going on and on about how the music was too loud and inappropriate.
I told her to take the corncob out of her ass, and she snitched on me. ”
“Seriously?”
“Yep, the stupid, little cunt-licker almost got me fired, then tried to be all sweet to me and pretend like nothing happened. Which, you know, I didn’t let happen.”
“What did you do?” She cocked her brow and stared at me with one of her looks until I remembered the day Katie found a small garden snake in her bed. “Oh, my God... You didn’t!”
“Oh, yeah. I most definitely did, and I’d do it again. You might wanna remember that.”
“So, if I don’t go to this party...”
“You might just find an unwanted guest in your bed.”
“It’s just a party.”
“It’s just a garden snake.”
“Fine! I’ll go!” I hated the thought of going to that stupid party, but I hated the idea of having a snake in my bed even more. “But I’m not staying long.”
“Alright, alright, alright,” Caroline replied in her best Mathew McConaughey voice. “It’s time to par-ty!”
“I don’t know about that.” It was late and I was ready to call it a day, so I didn’t bother arguing. Instead, I simply shook my head and started toward my car. “I’m pretty sure you’d have a better time without me.”
“No way!” she shouted. “We’re gonna have a blast. You just wait and see.”
“If you say so.”
I gave her a quick wave, then got in my car and closed the door.
After another long day at work, I was eager to get home, so I started the engine and eased out of the driveway.
I lived in a small studio apartment above MJ’s old law office downtown.
Apparently, Smokey had bought the building for MJ so she’d have her place to practice law.
Since she didn’t use it very often, they decided to offer the upper level of the building to their work hands.
It wasn’t much—just an eight hundred square foot room with a small bathroom and makeshift kitchen.
But the rent was almost nonexistent, and I felt safe there.
It was right in the middle of town, and with the help of a few great yard sales and some paint, I’d been able to fix the place up and make it my own.
After a long day, I was looking forward to getting home so I could take a hot shower and make myself a bite of dinner.
Unfortunately, my car had other plans.
I was still a good way from town when the engine started knocking, and smoke started to billow from the hood.
Panic washed over me as I eased over to the side of the road and turned off the engine.
Even though I knew nothing about cars, I popped the latch to the hood and got out to see if I could figure out what was wrong.
Being careful not to pinch my fingers, I unlatched the lock, then propped it open.
I’d just leaned in to take a look when the loud rumble of a motorcycle drew my attention out to the road.
Panicked, I only glanced up for a moment, but that’s all it took for me to know it was him.
That chiseled chin and those broad shoulders were impossible to forget.
I nervously dipped my head under my hood and hid and prayed he hadn’t noticed me.
To my immense relief, the rumble faded down the road.
My rapid heart rate was quickly replaced with an unexpected twinge of disappointment.
I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me.
After a moment of thought, I attributed my mixed feelings to my dire situation.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I turned my focus back to my car’s engine and tried to find the source of the problem.