35. Diesel
Chapter 35
Diesel
My anger lasts me until I get to my old room, I open it and find Rory still in bed. I’m about to wake her up, but instead I stop and stare down at the beautiful woman who I want back in my life. Her dark auburn hair strewn across the pillow, her pale skin relaxed in sleep, long lashes brushing against the rise of her cheekbone. She’s breathtaking, there’s no other way to put it, but that’s not what makes my fucking heart stop beating. Ryan is curled into her, his head resting against her chest. Rory is holding him tight and my boy…
Fuck, even in his sleep, my boy is smiling.
My boy rarely smiled before Rory came into our lives. Even with everything he has been through… he’s smiling now in his sleep. How is that possible? How does Rory give him good dreams after the nightmare that he has endured?
“Noah?” she whispers and that burn starts anew. Noah. My eyes close and I drink it in deep, so fucking deep it feels like my heart begins beating for the first time since I woke up in the hospital.
She’s still half asleep, her voice soft, her face tender… she looks like she does in my dreams. Dreams that have been haunting me from the moment I woke up in that damn hospital bed.
Without thinking or questioning myself I walk to her side of the bed, I bend down, cupping her neck in my hand and let my thumb press into her cheek, capturing her and not letting her pull away.
“I fucked up, Rory. I let my past cloud my judgment. What you don’t get is that my past was bad. That’s not an excuse, but it is a fact.”
“I don’t?—”
“But I had a vasectomy. I honestly thought I couldn’t have babies. So, I had this woman that I cared for. I had her in my arms, I let my guard down. I let her near the only thing in this world that mattered to me, I let her near my child and I let my heart guide me and not my head. Then you come at me with something I honestly thought couldn’t happen—something a doctor assured me couldn’t happen.”
“Will you?—”
“The past taught me hard lessons, Rory, lessons that I fell back on without thinking and I lashed out. That’s not right, and it’s not fair, but it’s the God’s honest truth.”
“What do you want me to say to that?”
“I want you to know that I was working through it in my head. Had things not gone down like they had, I would have fixed it. I swear. I was already planning on seeing a doctor. I would have fixed the mess I made.”
Her eyes scan my face and for a minute I think I see indecision and I feel a spark of hope. Then, she shuts it down. I watch it as it happens. I can see it clearly, but I don’t give up.
“Diesel—”
“Noah,” I tell her and I don’t give a fuck that it sounds like I’m pleading. Hell, maybe I am. “No one calls me that. That’s yours. That’s who I am to you and that’s what you call me, Rory. I’m Noah to you.”
She swallows and I can see a hint of uncertainty in her face. I don’t know what that means for me, but I’m hoping that I’m getting to her.
“Regardless, you still needed a doctor to prove something to you. You didn’t believe me. You don’t trust me.”
“When I was in that truck and I knew that was it, I knew I wasn't going to be able to protect my son. I knew I wasn’t going to survive. I had two thoughts, Rory. Two .”
“N…Noah…”
“I grieved that I wouldn’t have the chance to fix what was between us and I knew that you were the only one I could trust with my son. I told him to go to you. To you, Rory. Does that sound like a man who didn’t care about you, or trust you?”
“Maybe, or maybe you were just a man who didn’t have many options,” she reasons.
“You can believe that if you want, Gorgeous. But I’m telling you right now that I was a man saying goodbye to the two things in his life that he loved. You might not have been there, but I’m standing here right now, and I’m telling you that was exactly what I was doing. I might have fucked up, Rory. I get that. You might need time to trust this change in me and trust me when I tell you, Gorgeous, I fucking get that. But, you have to give me a chance to prove it to you. You have to.”
“Why, Noah? Why do I have to?” she asks, quietly.
“Because I fought to come back to you, Rory. I fought to come back and I’m going to fight for you now and I’m not giving up.”
“Noah.”
“I’m not giving up. I had a taste of life without you Rory and I never want to fucking experience that again. I’m not letting you go.”
I give her that vow. I let her stare at me and I can feel her pulse beating harshly against my hand. Before she can respond—possibly to tell me to go fuck myself—I lean in deeper and I take her mouth.
Maybe I surprised her, but she doesn’t close her mouth from me. She opens for my kiss right away. My tongue sweeps in, seeking her. I moan at the familiar taste of her, the heat of her mouth, the sweet depths that I thought I might never taste again. Her tongue comes up shyly to touch mine and I tangle mine with hers. The kiss deepens and I swallow her groan, as her fingers tangle into my hair and she pulls me to her. Our tongues war with one another, our mouths biting at each other as we let our hunger take over and make up for the months we’ve been apart.
“Rory, baby,” I groan, when we break apart just enough to take a breath, before I immediately claim her mouth again.
“Daddy?” Ryan’s voice intrudes, just as my hand moves down to cup Rory’s breast. I squeeze, cursing under my breath as I pull away just enough to look into Rory’s confused face. I see hunger in her gaze though, and for now that’s enough. I squeeze her breast again and even with the sheet and her pajama top between, I still feel her hardened nipple press against my palm.
“Hey sleepyhead,” I respond, forcing myself to let Rory go and face my son.
“You were kissing Rory,” he says.
“Yeah, I was,” I tell him, hearing Rory take in a shuddering breath.
“You two like each other again?” Ryan asks, proving my son is more observant than anyone gives him credit for—including myself.
“God, I hope so,” I whisper, watching as Rory bites on her bottom lip, studying me.
“Cool. Are we going to have breakfast together? I can help Rory make blueberry pancakes,” he says and Rory’s gaze doesn’t leave mine. I grin, she does too—although much more cautiously.
“I could use some pancakes,” I answer.
“Yes!” Ryan answers. “Right on!”
“Right on,” I murmur quietly, letting my lips touch Rory’s again quickly before I pull back and we let Ryan take over our morning. I don’t know what’s going through her mind, but I’ve gotten through to her—at least a little—and damn if I’m not going to build on that.
I’m not letting her go again.