37. Diesel
Chapter 37
Diesel
“I feel like the world is spinning. Is the world spinning, Diesel?” Rory asks.
I sigh, because as good as it is to have her in my arms, she’s still back to calling me Diesel and I fucking hate it.
“You’re forgetting something, Gorgeous,” I whisper close to her ear as I enter into my bedroom.
“I am?” she asks, sounding confused.
“You call me Noah now, remember?”
“I… I don’t think so. I can’t call you Noah,” she responds as I lay her on the bed.
“Why is that?” I ask her.
I put a knee to the foot of the bed, and bend down to lift off Rory’s boot.
“Because I love Noah, and I can’t love you now. That makes you Diesel,” she whispers. “It really feels like the world is moving, doesn’t it?” she adds, sounding confused and lost.
I go over the words in my head, mad at myself, at the circumstances surrounding us… Everything. I wish I knew how I could go back and fix everything, but I just… don’t.
I groan as I shift and work on her other boot. Carrying her was pushing things. Rory doesn’t weigh a lot, definitely no more than the weights I’ve been lifting in therapy, but carrying her and walking at the same time was murder. I’d do it again though—in a heartbeat.
“Are you okay?” she asks, I look up to see her gaze focused on me and concern etched on her face.
“Would you care?” I ask, needing an honest answer from her. I feel like I’m feeling my way through the dark with Rory and I don’t know how to make it any better.
“Don’t do this,” she whispers.
“Do what?”
“Don’t ask me to be honest with you when my defenses are down. I’m not equipped.”
“I need to know, Rory. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall repeatedly here. I know you have reason to hate me?—”
“I don’t hate you, Noah. It’d be easier if I could, but I don’t hate you.”
“That’s something at least,” I respond with a sigh. “I’m sorry I let you down, Rory,” I tell her.
“I am too,” she murmurs, confirming my worst fears, she blames me for everything. She should. It is all my fault, but still it hurts to hear it from her lips. I’m the reason she lost our baby. I’m the reason she was hurt. I failed. I couldn’t protect her or Ryan. I failed them when they needed me the most. “What are you doing?” she gasps as I push her hands out of the way and finish unbuttoning her pants.
“You can’t sleep in jeans, Rory. You need to be comfortable.”
“I am comfortable!” she hisses, but I ignore her and pull her jeans down. I do my best to ignore the soft pale green panties she’s wearing. I mostly fail at that, but I resist reaching in my pants to adjust my cock and that feels like I should win some kind of medal. I pull on the covers and Rory scrambles to help me, diving under them. She looks decidedly less drunk now, although she still has a soft, hazy look to her eyes. “I can’t believe you just did that,” she mutters.
“Let it go, Rory. I get the message.”
“What’s the message?” she asks.
“I’ll talk to you in the morning. You should be fine tonight. Ryan is with his friends, but if he needs anything, I’ll tell him to come to me. You rest.”
“I like when Ryan is here,” she whispers sounding lost. “I love him, Noah.”
“I know you do, Rory.”
“Don’t take him from me,” she whispers, breaking my heart.
“I would never do that, Gorgeous. Never ,” I vow.
“Okay,” she whispers.
“Okay,” I repeat, feeling a bone deep sadness that I’m afraid will never leave. “Do you need anything else?”
She shakes her head slightly to tell me no, and I limp my way to the door, turning off the light as I make it to the door.
“Noah?” she whispers in the darkness.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Can you…”
“Can I what, Rory?” I ask, knowing I’d give her anything, but I need to hurry and get out of here. It’s killing me to be this close, knowing she might as well be a world away.
“Will you stay with me tonight? No… I mean I don’t want to… I…”
“Just tell me, Rory. It’s okay. You’re safe with me,” I tell her, hearing the sadness and the fear in her voice. I can also hear the embarrassment, and I never want her to be embarrassed around me.
“Tomorrow I’ll be strong again, but tonight… Can you just stay and hold me? Just keep the shadows at bay so I can sleep?” she whispers.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I admit. I close the door, holding my head against it for a minute. If it was possible for a man to be torn in two, I definitely am at this moment. I want to hold Rory all night, more than anything else in my life right now. At the same time, I know it’s going to kill me to hold the woman I love, knowing that when the sun comes up in the morning she will go back to calling me Diesel and pushing me away.
It’s no less than I deserve, but God knows it’s going to kill me.