39. Diesel
Chapter 39
Diesel
I never meant to bring the conversation to this point, but I’m not sorry I did. I need her to understand. More importantly, I need her to let me back in.
“It’s not all about you, Noah,” she whispers. “I get what you want, I do, but it’s not all about you,” she says again. “I’m not the same. I’ll never be the same.”
“I get that, Gorgeous. I get it more than you will ever know .
“What happens if I can’t be her again?”
“Sweetheart, you are her.”
“But, I’m not. Not really, Noah. I’m not the same and…”
“And what, Rory. Tell me.”
“What if all I will ever be is… what I am now?” she whispers, and she sounds so broken, so scared that it hurts me.
I did this to her. I didn’t do all of it, but I did my fair share of damage.
“I loved you then, Rory. I love you more now.”
“Noah—”
“We all change, Rory. No one stays the same. I’ve changed, and in my case, that’s a good thing. I don’t know what our future holds, but I can tell you one thing and it’s a promise.”
“What?” she whispers, tears silently streaming down her face still. I can’t stand the sight of them, because I know I’m the one that helped put that pain inside of her.
“If you let me in—if you let me just get my foot in the door, I swear that I will work my ass into the ground so that you never have a reason to regret it.”
“Noah.”
“I swear to Christ, Rory. I’ll never give you a reason to regret it,” I vow again.
“I’m so tired, Noah,” she whispers quietly. “I’m just so tired of trying to keep fighting.”
“Then stop, Rory. Stop and lean on me. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll protect you and Ryan. I won’t let you down again. Rest and lean on me. Let me fight for you.”
“I’m scared.”
“I’ll take that fear away too, Rory. Eventually I’ll take it all away. I promise you.”
“I’m not sure, Noah. Will you hate me if I tell you that I need time?”
“I could never hate you, Rory,” I tell her, my chest hurting because I wasn’t able to break through to her, at least not completely. I won’t stop though. I thought earlier, before she asked me to stay with her that it was completely over, at least now I have hope and that’s enough to keep me going.
I move on the bed so I’m on my side and then I pull Rory and help her move to her side too. Her back is pressed against my front. I curse the clothes I have on, wishing my sweat pants didn’t stop me from feeling her soft legs.
Maybe someday.
“Sleep, Gorgeous. Just close those beautiful green eyes and rest. I’ll keep you safe. You rest and let it all go. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow,” I tell her, deciding to follow my own advice.
“Noah?”
“Yeah, Baby?”
“You were wrong.”
“About what?” I murmur, letting my fingers paint imaginary lines over her arm.
“I’m not everything. There’s Ryan and he’s everything. You may not have gotten him with the dream you wanted, but he’s everything good and beautiful. He’s his own kind of dream,” she whispers. I think over her words and I do it smiling.
“He is, but Rory, you have him too. You love Ryan and he loves you too. He belongs to you too, now.”
She goes still in my arms, but she doesn’t reply. Eventually her breathing evens out and I figure she’s finally let sleep claim her. I close my eyes, my arms full of the woman I love and I send up a prayer to the man upstairs to help me find a way to prove to her that I mean what I say. I don’t know if he listens to me, but I figure it can’t hurt.
“Sweet dreams, Gorgeous. I promise no one will ever hurt you again. I’m going to make sure you’re surrounded by nothing but family and good from here out. Even if you decide you can never forgive me, I’ll make sure you always have good in your life,” I vow, kissing the top of her head.
Only then do I let myself fall to sleep too.