48. Diesel
Chapter 48
Diesel
I find Ryan in his room, his body thrown haphazardly on the mattress, crying into his pillow. This is a scene that makes every parent shudder and hopes to never see. I’ve experienced it a few times with Ryan and it never gets easier, but this time… is worse. This time my little boy has so much hurt inside of him that I have no idea how to help him. I don’t even know all of it.
I walk into the room, shutting the door gently behind me. I make my way to his bed, sitting on the edge.
“You want to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, Bub?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbles into his mattress.
It takes some maneuvering, but I get his head in my lap and stroke my fingers against the top of his head, sifting them through his hair. Ryan wraps his arms around my waist and burrows his head into my lap, crying harder.
“Hey, Bub. Talk to me,” I tell him gruffly, his tears ripping me up inside. This is my fault. I did this by not protecting my boy. When I get my hands on King, I swear I’m going to enjoy killing that bastard.
“Don’t want to,” he mumbles.
“I can’t fix whatever is going on if you don’t talk to me about it, Bub.”
“I was weak,” he whispers. I can barely grasp the words through his sobs, but when I do they gut me.
I pull him up in my lap, so I can see his face. It’s a splotchy mix of red and white, tears running down his face, and his nose running. I reach over to the nightstand and grab some tissues. He blows his nose loudly and I use some more to dry his tears. They’re still coming, so I just dry here and there as I talk to him.
“My boy isn’t weak. You’re one of the strongest?—”
“But, I’m not! I got Rory hurt!” he yells.
“You didn’t. You?—”
“But I did! The monster wanted me to call him Daddy and I wouldn’t. If I had…”
“Ryan he’s not your dad. I don’t know what he told you or tried to make you believe, but you’re my son. Mine. ”
“But he said?—”
“I don’t care what he said, Bub, you’re mine. I have the papers to prove it, but there’s something you need to know. Even if you weren’t mine by blood, I’d still claim you. You’re a part of me boy. I thank God every day that I have you in my life. You’re my greatest gift. You need to understand that. I’m proud you’re my son, Ryan.”
His little eyes go round as he takes what I’m saying in. They’re green like his mothers, but so different because they never held the coldness in them that hers did. Now they remind me of Rory’s. She might not be his mother by blood, but she is in every way that matters, and eventually I’ll make that clear to Ryan and to Rory.
“Maybe you were before, but not now.”
“What could ever make you think that?” I ask, drying his eyes again and letting my thumb swipe across his cheek, wishing I knew how to stop his pain.
“I’m weak. Just like that man you were talking about Dad. I’m weak,” he says rubbing the back of his hand over his face and sniffling.
“Why would you even think that, Ryan? You’re one of the strongest and bravest boys I know. You remember when we were in the truck? Do you remember how you did everything I asked and were so brave? I was so proud of you, Ryan.”
“I wasn’t brave,” he cries, hurling himself into me. I gather him up in my arms and rock him. “I was scared.”
His words come out muffled against my chest as sobs tear through his body.
“I was too, Ryan.”
“You were scared?” he asks mid hiccup.
“Terrified.”
“It’s okay to be scared?” he asks pulling away just a little to look at me. I think he probably wants to see if I’m lying. I make a vow to myself to be more careful about the words I use around my boy. He’s like a sponge, soaking everything in and I’m not always careful—especially when under stress.
“Of course it is. What matters most, is that even though you were scared, you still did what you needed to do,” I tell him, only to see his face fall again.
Fuck. What did I do now?
I barely even get time to think that question, when Ryan answers it and when he does, the bottom falls out of my world. I don’t think I am ready for this conversation.
“I didn’t. I just had to call him Dad. That’s it. If I had done that it would have all been okay.”
“Ryan—”
“But, I didn’t! And he was going to punish me. I was scared, really scared. You weren’t there and I was scared, Daddy,” he sobs, falling into me yet again. I hold him, his head resting on my arm as I cradle him close. “I was so scared.”
“Let it out, Ryan. Tell me all of it and get it out, son,” I whisper, my own tears joining his. My son is hurting so deeply and there’s nothing I can do to stop the pain.
I wasn’t there. I let him down when he needed me the most.
“He was going to punish me, but Rory wouldn’t let him. When he told her she could take my punishment she said she would… and I let her, Daddy. I let her.”
Fucking hell.
“Ryan—”
“He had me and he was going to hurt… hurt me and Rory, she tried to stop him, she begged and…”
“Bub, son… Don’t?—”
“He let me go and I hid behind her, Dad. I hid .”
He says that like it tortures him, and it probably does. I don’t know what else to do other than hold him. I do… tightly, willing him to feel me through everything as he relives his misery.
“Wolf grabbed me, he pulled me away from her and made me stand there. Rory begged him to let me go to my room, but he wouldn’t. He wanted me to watch her get hurt. And… I wanted to go . I didn’t want to stay Dad. I didn’t want to watch.”
“None of what you just told me makes you weak, son. You are still young. Adults are supposed to take care of you. They’re supposed to protect you. That’s what Rory did,” I tell him, my voice clogged with emotion and tears that I’m shedding right along with Ryan now. I knew it was bad… but fuck… I had no idea. When Crusher told me that Rory lost the baby. When he said King had beaten her… I didn’t allow my mind to dwell on all of the different scenarios in my mind. This is worse than anything I ever imagined, and he hasn’t even told me the whole story yet.
“The monster is supposed to be an adult,” Ryan whispers, as I drag my fingers through his hair, continually trying to calm him.
“Some men are evil, son. It doesn’t matter how old they get.”
“Like the Green Goblin?”
“What?”
“He always tries to kill Spiderman,” Ryan sniffles. If my heart wasn’t breaking, I’d smile.
“Exactly like Green Goblin,” I whisper instead, kissing the top of my son’s head.
“He ripped her dress off Dad,” Ryan says pulling away to look at me. His lips are trembling, and his eyes hazy with memories.
“Ryan don’t?—”
“He pushed her down and he ripped her dress and he started hitting her with a belt. It sounded so loud on her skin. I tried to break free to get to her, but I couldn’t. I was going to try and save her, but I couldn’t get free. I wasn’t strong Dad.”
“You were. Tell me the rest of it. Get it out and then I want you to forget, Ryan.”
“I won’t ever forget,” he says shaking his head back and forth.
“Rory would want you to forget, she wouldn’t want you to remember, Ryan. Tell me the rest and then let it go. Don’t hold it in anymore,” I tell him, even while wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It sounds good in theory, but what if reliving everything makes his memories worse? What if telling me about what happened, gives him worse nightmares? He seems to sleep soundly with Rory close, but something has to wake him up before he gets in bed with her. What if telling me everything makes it so he can’t even sleep? I’m trying to do what is best for Ryan here, but there’s another side of me that needs to hear what happened. I need to know just how bad I let the ones I loved down.
“He kicked her and kicked her. Rory couldn’t even fight back, Dad and he laughed when she moaned. He pulled her out of the room, dragging her by her hair. He made Wolf bring me and we followed behind her until we got to the room. She was bleeding. There was a lot of blood and the monster called her a bad name and kicked her again and then… he spit on her.”
“Christ,” I murmur under my breath. My hand shaking from the pain and anger I’m feeling. My tears have stopped and in their place is an anger so raw it may never leave me.
“I bit Wolf because I wanted to try and help her. I was afraid she was dying because there was so much blood. And he threw me on the ground. Rory said my name and tried to reach for me, even though she couldn’t even open her eyes. Why would she do that, Dad?” he cries. “Why would she say my name?”
“I don’t know son. I think maybe…”
“Do you think… do you think it’s because she blamed me?” he cries. “If I had just called him dad… If I had called him dad, Rory wouldn’t have been hurt. If I had been stronger I could have protected us. I could have kept her safe. That’s what you would have done.”
“I think Rory was just trying to make sure you were okay, Ryan, even then she was just trying to make sure you were okay,” I tell him, my voice raw.
I’ve fucked up so much. If I look back on all of the shit I put Rory through, all of the mistrust and the pain I gave her only to have her sacrifice herself for Ryan like she did… I’m feeling so many emotions, I can’t even begin to sift through them all.
“Why? Why would she do that?” he asks again. “She shouldn’t have worried ‘bout me. It was my fault. It was all my fault .”
“It’s not, Ryan. It’s King’s fault. He was the adult. He wanted to hurt you and hurt Rory. Nothing you could have done would have made a difference. If you had called him dad, he still would have hurt her. You aren’t responsible.”
“But, Rory?—”
“Rory loves you Ryan. She was protecting you because she loves you.”
“I love her too, Daddy. I want to keep her. Can we keep her, Daddy? I heard her tell Dani that she wasn’t staying here forever, but I want her to Daddy. I want her to.”
“We’re going to keep her, Ryan,” I whisper, holding him close. “We’re going to keep her,” I vow, praying I can do exactly that, because the alternative isn’t something I can live with.
“When the medicine killed Mommy… Rory was scared for me. She…She tried to protect me then too.”
“I’m sorry you saw that Ryan.”
“Daddy am I bad like the monster?”
“Why would you even ask that? There’s nothing bad about you, Ryan.”
“Rory kept me from seeing Mommy die. She wasn’t supposed to. The monster was going to punish her for it, but he had to leave... But after…”
“After?”
“After she ‘splained it was the medicine and that Mommy didn’t mean what she said.”
“What did she say?”
“That she never wanted me. Rory thought Mommy didn’t mean it. But that’s because Rory’s not like Mommy. Rory loves me. But… maybe I am like the monster Daddy.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I looked at Mommy when she said that and I was sad, because... I wanted Rory to be my Mommy. I wanted Mommy to go away… I wished she would go away forever… and then the medicine killed her. That makes me bad, doesn’t it, Daddy? I’m bad too.”
I gather Ryan up in my arms. I just hold him, whispering over and over that he’s not bad and letting him cry. I don’t know how long we’re like that, but I know that by the time Ryan stops crying my shirt is soaking wet and my heart aches so much it’s barely beating. I hold my son, letting him cry out everything he’s been holding in and I do it while plotting the millions of ways that I intend on making King pay.
I’m going to make that motherfucker bleed rivers of fucking blood before I let him die.