PHOENIX
The darkness descends around me, greeting me like an old friend. The shadows speak to my soul, embracing me like I never left. I welcome it. The beautiful feeling of emptiness as it consumes every fiber of my being. Slowly losing myself… succumbing… sinking into the inevitable void.
My favorite place to switch off. Detaching myself mentally and physically. A place where no one can reach me. Drowning them out one by one.
I wish I could stay like this. Just me, all alone with nothing but my messed-up thoughts for company. Swallowed by the silence forever. For all eternity, but that still wouldn’t be long enough.
It’s no secret that my life is a mess. Fucked beyond repair and no matter how hard I try; I can’t find a way out. An escape isn’t in my foreseeable future and right now, I have to be okay with that. As much as I’d love to scream and shout, I already know that causing a scene won’t get me anywhere fast.
Nausea washes over me in waves, twisting deep in my stomach as I force my eyes open, focusing on the white tiled floor.
“Phoenix…” the voice calls again. Louder and more insistent this time. “We need to talk about this. Discuss what happens next.”
“Unless you’ve come to tell me you’ll leave me alone, then I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses.” My voice is cold and hoarse. Scratchy and swollen from my silent tears. A punishment. My punishment. One I refuse to put on anyone else but myself.
“Hate to be the bearer of bad news kid, but we both know why I’m here.”
“I told you already. I don’t want to hear it.” Like ever.
“Keeping your feelings bottled deep inside you won’t help. If anything, it will make you worse in the long run.”
I tear my eyes away from the floor and look at the small, plump blonde sitting opposite me. “Good to know. I guess that means I can tick off my therapy for today?” The sarcasm rolls freely from my tongue and I know she doesn’t miss it.
“Phoenix, you know you can’t stay here forever.”
“No shit.” I retort. “But in case you’ve forgotten, you’re the one keeping me here against my will. Like I’m some fucking criminal.”
She flinches at my accusing tone but we both know it’s nothing but the truth. “No one has said you’re the criminal, Phoenix. You’re here because you have to be. At least until we can find an adequate place for you.”
“My home is a good start. Unless you can give me that then I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.” Snapping her head down, her eyes focus on her smart watch, obviously in a hurry to be anywhere but here. “We need to get you settled. Plans have been made so we need to discuss them… sooner rather than later, and your co-operation would be greatly appreciated.”
“Hey, if you have somewhere else to be, don’t let me keep you.” I’m tired of this pointless conversation. I’m done with the bullshit. I’m over being handled like a delicate fucking package. One which could detonate and explode at any given moment. What I want is answers instead of being palmed off like I don’t fucking matter. I think we can all agree that I never asked for any of this.
“Don’t worry, this shouldn’t take too long.” She tells me confidently. I sigh heavily but it does nothing to deter her. She’s used to my foul mood, and she’s determined to get this meeting over and done with so she can move onto her next child. That way she’ll be able to pack me up and ship me off somewhere else. To God only fucking knows where, but I won’t be her problem anymore.
“Save your breath and keep it to yourself because I’m not interested.”
As usual she acts like I haven’t spoken and continues. “With no one left here to house you, we’ve found the perfect place just outside of town.”
“Nope.” I pop the P to emphasize my point, while shaking my head vigorously. Point blank refusing to listen to what she has to say. I’ve told this woman my terms many times yet as per fucking usual she’s going against every single one of them. Like my life is some kind of game to her. Obviously, what I want doesn’t matter. “I told you already, it’s not happening.”
“Phoenix, what do you expect us to do?” She tries to plead her case, hoping it will make all the difference. “You don’t have any surviving relatives left here in Braxton.”
Fuck. Just when I thought she couldn’t stab the jagged blade in any deeper. “No shit. I told you as much last week, or did you think I was lying to you? That I decided to make up some kind of sob story so you’d feel bad for me?”
Of course she did. She holds my file. Melanie knows everything there is to know about me. This woman has gone right ahead and put two and two together, coming up with ten. She offers me a small smile but it falls flat. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust her. Melanie has had years of experience when it comes to handing out fake smiles. She’s probably on commission at this rate, so why would I be any different?
Something I have noticed is that Melanie comes across as a pro when it comes to giving a fuck… a lot like everyone else I’ve come across. But the sad truth is, they’re all the same. Only one thing registers in their mind when they meet me…
Like father… like daughter.
That’s probably why I was met with such sickening silence when my world and everything in it was pulled from under my feet. Everything I’d ever known was taken away from me, like it was never mine to begin with. Now here I am, all alone in some run-down hostel while Melanie runs around behind the scenes trying to orchestrate my life. Acting like I’m not capable to make my own decisions. Like I’m the fucking criminal. If anything, I’m the victim in this mess but no one wants to hear it.
I screamed. I shouted at the top of my lungs. I lashed out and shouted some more, but it didn’t matter. No one had any answers for me. Not a single one.
“This is just standard practice, I assure you.”
Lies. Every word she tells me is a big fat fucking lie. “Forgive me when I tell you that your assurances don’t mean shit to me.” I widen my eyes, daring her to argue with me before reaching out and pulling a cigarette from the box on the table. I never break eye contact with her as I bring it to my lips and light it up. Of course, my actions earn me a disapproving glare from morbid Melanie, but I didn’t expect anything less.
“What?” I question. “Do you have a problem, Melanie?” She opens her mouth to answer me but I’m quick to cut her off, “You have my file, right? I’m sure you’ve been through it multiple times this week. Before passing judgement on me and my lifestyle choices, maybe you should try to live just one day in my shoes…”
“I wasn’t judging…”
“Whatever. Give it a try and then come back and tell me you wouldn’t need anything stronger.”
“I’m not here to judge you, Phoenix.” She holds her perfectly manicured hands up in surrender, showing she means no harm. “I’m here to help you.”
“Really? You could have fooled me.”
Deep down I know none of this is Melanie’s fault. She’s just been dealt a bad hand, and that bad hand is me. In my defense, I’m human. I need someone to blame. I need to pin my anger on someone. To vent my frustration before I end up losing my mind completely. The person responsible isn’t here. But Melanie is, so she’s getting the brunt of it all.
“How do you expect to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?”
She watches me for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. “It doesn’t matter if you want the help. Right now, you need it.” Another pause fills the space between us. “Like I said, we’ve found the perfect place for you…”
“How many times? I’m not going anywhere.” Again, she’s refusing to listen to me. “I already told you this. Not that you or those other pricks ever listen. I’m almost nineteen so realistically, you can’t make me do shit.” I don’t miss the panic as it creeps into my voice. My lips quiver a little as more tears—tears of frustration threaten to spill over; my emotional well refusing to dry the fuck up. The gift that keeps on giving.
“It’s time.”
“No, it’s not. Braxton is my home.”
“Was.” Melanie corrects me, pushing the knife deeper. “Braxton was your home, Phoenix.” Pity flashes in her brown eyes which does nothing to ease my mood or frame of mind. I know she doesn’t want to do this; uproot me and send me away, but in the grand scheme of things what choice does she actually have? This isn’t a personal attack on me, although it sure feels like it. No, this is just a woman trying to do her job.
Taking a long pull on my cigarette, I try to think of a million reasons to stay. To make Melanie see that I’m being serious about staying here. “I have rights. Is it even legal for you to force me out of my home? Can’t you see that I’m the victim here.” I argue, refusing to back down. Desperate to claw back the tiniest piece of control. It’s almost like Melanie wants to agree with me, but we both know the decision is out of her hands. Outside of her control. This shitstorm is so much bigger than her.
Braxton might be my home, but my life is no longer my own. Every single decision is being made for me, not with me or by me. All I want is for someone to make it make sense.
“I need you to think about this logically” she urges, looking at me over her glasses.
“I have. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since you locked me up in this hellhole.”
“Okay… well, where would you stay? How would you survive on your own?”
“The same way I’ve survived so far.” The venom falls freely from my tongue. “I’ve been looking out for myself all my life, but now that suddenly seems to be the problem. Some crazy kind of safeguarding issue? Where were you guys back when I actually needed you? When I was forced to go through hell at their hands?”
Closing my mouth, I press my lips together while forcing the images away. Shutting them down before they have a chance to set in and take over. Refusing to go back there. I fucking lived and experienced it. Hell, somehow, I managed to survive it so I’m more than happy to pass on the action-packed replay.
“I don’t need anyone’s help but my own.” I remind her, my voice flat and void of any emotion. Yes, Melanie is asking me valid questions but at the same time, they’re also none of her fucking business. My life should be my life. Regardless of what the authorities think. They haven’t been there for me in the past so why should I trust what they’re saying now?
I’ve spent a lifetime dancing along to the sound of someone else’s tune and now my time has come to find my own rhythm.
I’m over it. So, fucking over it.
“I have friends. I can get a job and provide for myself, no problem.”
“I don’t doubt you. Not at all…”
“But…”
“But things have changed. Everything is up in the air right now, and you…”
“Wait…” I cut her off again, leaning over the table, trying to intimidate her. The same way the bad man used to intimidate me. “Is this you finally admitting that you know more than you’re willing to tell me?” My eyes bore into hers as I try to break her down. “I knew there was more to this.” My chest rises and falls rapidly, my pent-up anger getting the better of me. I’m being a bitch but right now I couldn’t give a damn. I want answers. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve them. No matter how small or irrelevant she thinks they are.
Ignoring my question, the same way she has multiple times over the past week, Melanie pushes up her glasses and continues like I haven’t just poured my heart out.
“This is a big step, Phoenix.” She says, her voice remains calm and collected. “This is a massive change; no one’s denying that, but you still need to leave Braxton. That doesn’t change. It can’t change.”
“Why won’t you tell me why.” I press some more, demanding more than she’s willing to give me as another round of hot, salty tears threaten to break free. “You owe me that much.”
“I wish I could but this is so much bigger than me. Bigger than what I can do. Honestly, I want to do more, give you so much more, but it’s out of my hands.”
We both know Melanie doesn’t owe me shit. No one does and that’s the harsh truth of my reality. Melanie’s just a child counselor. One who’s trying to do her job to the best of her ability. Safeguarding me no matter how much I try to push her away.
Stubbornness runs through my veins and I’m being harder on her than I need to be. I can’t help it. A natural reaction when my fight or flight kicks in. A vicious habit I’ve always struggled to break. Anyone else would be grateful to have someone like Melanie fighting their corner. She’s spent the best part of a week by my side, no matter how nasty I’ve been or how hard I’ve tried to push her away. She still came to see me. Always checking up on me, trying to make this horrible transition run a little smoother while I’ve been held up in this hellhole and look how I’ve repaid her.
The truth is, I can’t trust anyone. Especially right now. A fact Melanie is proving true every time she holds back on me. Withholding vital information. Information which could make all of this make sense.
“You know the rules. I can’t tell you much. I wish I could, but I’m not allowed. If I did it would cost me my job, and I’m not prepared to risk that, Phoenix.” Her mind is struggling, battling against her heart. I can see she’s waging a war in her head as she spins a huge diamond ring around on her wedding finger before biting down on her bottom lip, worrying it between her teeth.
“Can I ask you a question?” I decide to strike while her mind is occupied.
She looks at me, her lips pulling at the edges. “If I’ve learned one thing about you this past week, it’s you’ll go right ahead and ask me no matter what I say.”
She’s not fucking wrong. At least she’s been paying attention. “Do you have kids, Melanie?”
“I don’t see how that’s relevant…”
“Just do me a favor and answer the question. Humor me.”
Melanie contemplates for a moment before finally giving in. “I do.”
“Nice,” I offer her my own fake smile. She’s not the only one with years of practice. Right now, I couldn’t give a damn about her kids, but I’m hoping this might work in my favor. “I want you to imagine that the script was flipped. That your kids were in my position. Imagine they didn’t have any answers to the relentless questions spinning around on repeat in their little innocent minds, confusion running wild.” I pause for effect. “Now imagine they’re being dragged away from everything they’d ever known—forced to shut up and put up while strangers try to root around in their head while making plans to send them away. Uprooting them from their home.”
I’m not surprised when I’m met with total silence. “How do you think your poor innocent kids would feel then? Would you want them to be all alone, forced to remain silent while they’re lives are planned out for them. Would you want them to go in blind or would you want them to have a little bit of knowledge to help them on their way?”
“Phoenix, I know what you’re trying to do. I’ll give you top points for effort but playing the guilt card won’t work.” She sighs, almost defeated. I’m breaking her down, piece by piece. Her steel composure slipping. “I told you already that my hands are tied and you have to believe me. Braxton isn’t the safest place for you right now.”
I shake my head, brows furrowed together in confusion. “What the fuck does that even mean?” I press some more. “I thought the tough guys took the bad man away?”
Frustration tingles down my spine. I should be happy because this is the most Melanie has given me in the days since she crashed into my life. But I know she’s still holding back on me. Massively.
Another low, heavy sigh rolls from her shoulders as she leans across the table, finally caving and admitting defeat. I knew I’d be able to break her eventually. My perseverance is unbreakable… another thing I had to learn over the years.
“Phoenix, please…” she casts her eyes around the clinically white room to make sure no one else is listening in on our conversation. “I need you to listen to what I’m about to tell you. This is important—”
“I’m listening…”
“If you stay here and go against our help and support then you’ll be putting yourself and everyone else you come into contact with, in grave danger. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Do you understand how serious this is?”
I do, but I still want to hear her say it. I want her to admit everything to me out loud. To look me straight in the eye while confessing everything she knows. Which seems to be a whole lot more than she’s willing to divulge so far.
“Out with it, Melanie.” I push. “Do me a favor and quit with the riddles. I’ve experienced enough of those to last me a lifetime. So, I’m in danger. This isn’t news to me, and you know it.” The way I was raised has always placed me in the line of fire. It’s a part of my life. Something I’ve always known so I don’t know why she’s making such a big deal about it.
“This is bigger than you could imagine…” she urges. “It’s not as simple as warning you about the dangers…”
“It never is.” I pull out another cigarette and light it up, inhaling deep before erasing her features, making them disappear in a plume of smoke.
“The time has come where we need to remove you from them, until they’re eradicated.”
Pulling my leg up onto the chair I rest my elbow, looking straight into her eyes. “How dangerous are we talking?”
“This isn’t a joke, Phoenix.” Her voice is stern, urging me to take her seriously. “I don’t know the whole ins and outs. I just need you to trust me.”
A laugh falls from my lips, causing her eyes to widen. “Trust? Are you shittin’ me? Melanie, even for you, that’s a big ask.” My words wound her, like I’ve just slapped her with each one and a small part of me feels bad but her feelings don’t get me what I want or need.
“I need you to believe that everything I’m doing here is for you and your best interests.”
“Bullshit,” I push my plate of uneaten food away from me; more like slop, and lock eyes with hers. “My best interests are here in Braxton, and you know it.” I point out, slamming my palm down on the table. “Surrounded by my friends. Around people who care about me. I’m supposed to be starting college next week but I’ll take a wild stab in the dark and guess that’s something else you’ve taken from me too.” The venom leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. “I’d love to hear how you try to justify that being in my best interests.”
“Phoenix,”
“You may as well start talking because one thing I have a lot of right now is time.”
Unexpectedly, Melanie reaches out, catching me off guard as her hand covers mine, pressing firm with reassurance, but hard enough to make me look at her again. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I promise you with time you’ll get all the answers. I’ll personally make sure of it, but right now I need you to focus on you and the positives…”
Just when I thought this woman couldn’t surprise me anymore, she goes and does the unthinkable. “Wait… are you actually telling me there’s a positive in all this bullshit?”
“For you, yes… but only if you work with me and not against me.”
Fuck, she makes it sound so easy. “Do tell me your elaborate plan. I’m just dying to know what bullshit you’re about to throw my way.” The sarcasm rolls freely from my bitter tongue, causing Melanie to narrow her eyes at me some more. I learned a long time ago that good things don’t come to me. What everyone is failing to realize is, I’m not a kid anymore, and I gave up on fairytales years ago.
“Well, the main one being you won’t have to give up your dream of going to college.” Her eyes widen, excitement glistening there as though she’s just found the answer to all my prayers.
Anger courses through me as my heart beats faster in my chest. “Now you’re taking the piss out of me.” How the hell can she even sit here and make fun of me? Of everything that’s been taken from me. This might be nothing more than a joke to them, but this is my life. “I guess you think this is funny, right? Phoenix has been through enough already, but how about we fuck with her some more. See how far we can push her until she falls from the edge.”
I can feel the heat of my rage burning through my body, setting it ablaze like wildfire. From the balls of my feet all the way to the top of my head. It’s simmering just below the surface, ready to erupt like an unstable volcano at any moment. “Let me get this straight. You just told me that I have no choice but to pack up and kiss goodbye to Braxton, then in the next breath you’re telling me I’m still able to go to college?” I demand, refusing to back down until she tells me exactly what she means. “Which one is it?”
“Both?”
“You’re still not listening to me. Maybe you’re hearing me, but you’re not processing what I’m asking of you. You told me I have to get my ass out of here, so that means leaving all my dreams behind too.”
“No. You’ve misunderstood me. No one has said anything about you missing out on college.” A small smile plays on her lips, like she’s in on the joke and she’s waiting for me to catch on. My suspicions are heightened and I still don’t know if she’s just trying to make fun of me.
I’m still not following her. I’m confused as fuck. “I don’t understand.” I confess.
“Your education is important. There’s no way that the authorities would allow you to go without.” She sounds so confident but I don’t share her enthusiasm. The authorities have allowed me to go without for years. Leaving me all alone with the bad man. Refusing to help me when I needed them the most. “Plus, I’m sure you’ll have no problems making new friends at Stonebrooke Manor, what with your wit and charisma.” Now it’s Melanie’s turn to add the sarcasm, and not before I realized what she just said to me.
“Stonebrooke?” I mouth, unable to hide my shock. Also, aware that most people have to sell their soul just to get a look at the place. Stonebrooke is off limits to all but a select few.
“The one and only.” A genuine smile: the first to light up her round face as she beams back at me, and for the first time in a long time I struggle to find the words. Failing to express how I’m truly feeling.
“But…” I gasp, breathlessly. “But, how?” the words finally fall out of my mouth on a stammer.
“Why don’t you let me worry about the specifics. I need you to focus on getting your things packed up because,” she takes another glance at her watch, “your ride will be here in about thirty minutes.”
I’m still majorly pissed about being uprooted from my home without a valid reason, through no fault of my own. I’m angry. Furious as a rage I’ve never known twists deep inside me. It’s not fair that I’m being taken away from everything I’ve ever known, but then in a crazy twist of fate, Stonebrooke has always been the dream.
And now it’s been handed to me on a gold platter, fully fucking funded. There’s no way I can turn this down. Maybe the bad guy did me a favor after all. I’m not stupid. I know this isn’t a gesture of goodwill. No, this is a bartering chip. A sure-fire way to get me out of Braxton like they so desperately want, and against my better judgement it seems to be working.
I hate myself for my double standards, but this is Stonebrooke. It was always a pipedream. A place I used to fantasize about when things got tough and I needed to take my mind to a better place. Stonebrooke was always an impossible dream. A dream I never imagined could ever become a possibility, and now it seems it’s about to become my reality.
A reality at a high cost.
“I know I’ve asked a lot from you already, but I need you to do something for me.”
I laugh. Melanie is fully aware that I don’t owe her shit, either. But I decide to entertain her. “Shoot. But you know I’m making no promises.”
“Keep your head down while you’re there. Keep yourself to yourself as much as possible. Try not to attract any unwanted attention.” She warns, a flitter of panic creeping into her own voice. “I’ve pushed hard for this move so don’t make me live to regret it.”
“How long am I expected to stay there?”
“At Stonebrooke?” I nod, eager to know how long I’m being exiled for. “A minimum of one year, maybe three. It just all depends on what happens back here during that time.”
I nod back. A rare acknowledgement from me and I know she doesn’t miss it. I know firsthand that a lot can happen in a year, let alone three.
“It’s also important to remember that no one knows who you are at Stonebrooke. They don’t know your history so if you’re going to take anything from this, Phoenix… if you want my advice…”
“You’re going to give it to me anyway, right?”
Melanie rewards my humor with a small smile. “Keep it that way. Use this to your advantage. Take this opportunity and use it as the fresh start its intended to be.”