19. Ryder
RYDER
“Come on,” Anson said, helping me to walk.
I felt like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks. The docs had put a fucking fall-risk band on my arm, and I wasn’t allowed to take a piss without someone there to hold my hand.
Now, I was free and going home.
Taking a shot to the chest and having some nasty cuts from shrapnel left me fucked.
But I was alive and more determined than ever to get back to L.A. to make sure Rosalie and Ellis were safe. They’d been gone four days now, and I wanted so badly to get back to them.
Anson helped me into the car, the nurse who pushed me out in a wheelchair bidding me goodbye, but not before she’d slipped her number into my hand.
I tossed it aside, not wanting that shit. She was hot, sure, but I had someone else in mind.
And I damn well knew I shouldn’t because I needed to speak to Anson about it all first.
I was terrified, though, that it would ruin everything. My friendship with him, and with her, especially if she didn’t feel the same.
It was a war I was battling internally.
We got in, and Frank turned to look at me from the front seat.
“You look like shit.”
“So I look like you?” I muttered.
He chuckled. “Thank you for saving little miss and Rosalie.”
I smiled at his words. “I would do it on repeat.”
He winked at me, making my stomach lurch, like he knew I had a secret. Maybe I was being paranoid, though.
We pulled onto the street. I knew we were headed straight to the airport to fly home. Doc gave me clearance, and I was taking that shit.
We fell into easy conversation on the ride to the airport, where we were taking a private jet out.
I didn’t say much, so it was mostly Frank and Anson talking.
I was tired and just wanted to get back to my life.
I had a place at Rosalie’s, but I knew I needed to get back to my apartment, and I kept putting space between us so I could focus on what the hell I was going to do.
I was pissed over what went down with the horsemen, and I’d talk to Rosalie about it soon, but for now, I just wanted shit to calm down.
I didn’t think I was asking for too much.
We boarded the jet, and I settled into the comfortable seats, Anson across from me.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as we began to taxi down the runway.
“Tired,” I replied, my eyelids heavy.
He nodded and cleared his throat. “Hey, man, can we talk?”
“Yeah. What’s up?”
“When you got fucked up, you said some shit before you passed out.”
I crinkled my brows. “I did?”
He nodded, a serious look on his face. “You don’t remember?”
I frowned, trying to remember what I could have said. Finally, I shook my head. I could have begged to be saved for all I knew.
“You said you loved Rosalie.”
My mouth went dry as I stared at him.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Um, no. I-I was probably just fucked up, you know?”
God, fuck, just tell him! Now was my chance, but I was pussying out. What the fuck.
He eyed me the way he often did. It felt like he was peering into my soul with his piercing blue eyes.
Fuck.
I looked down at my hands. “I mean, I do love her. She’s my-my friend. I love you too. And Ellis. Klaus. Evan. Trent. I-I was just hurting and scared, I guess.”
“You sure?” Anson asked gently. “You and LeeLee are close. If you want to talk about it, we can.”
I breathed out. “I’m… fuck.” My voice cracked. I couldn’t do this shit.
“Anson, man, I’m sorry, OK?” I wiped quickly at my eyes, not wanting him to see me break down like a little bitch. “I’ll quit. I don’t want to cause problems for anyone.”
He was quiet for a moment as he stared back at me.
“I don’t hate the idea,” he murmured.
I snapped my head up and looked at him. “What?”
“I don’t hate it,” he said softly. “You and her. With us. I-I actually kind of like it. It makes sense.”
I swallowed. There was no way I heard him correctly.
“You don’t share,” I said.
He chuckled. “Clearly, I do. You should tell her.”
“There’s no fucking way,” I said immediately. “I’ll fucking die if she tells me to piss off. It’ll ruin everything.”
“It won’t. I’m sure she feels for you too,” he said.
“Really?”
He nodded. “I think so. I’ve never asked her, but I know I’ve seen her watching you before. I suppose there’s really only one way to find out.”
“I-I can’t. It could ruin everything if she doesn’t feel that way.” I repeated. “I don’t want to risk friendships. Promise you won’t tell her?”
He sighed. “Yeah, but I still think you should. Maybe start hinting at it.”
“No,” I said immediately.
“Ryder, man. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is short. Don’t be a pussy. Tell her.”
“I’m not a pussy,” I grumbled, knowing damn well I was when it came to her. Klaus and Evan already knew. Anson took it far better than I expected.
I just had to get past myself now.
Fuck.
My own worst enemy.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us?” Anson asked. “I’d prefer it if you did.”
“I’m good,” I mumbled as we got into the back of a car Klaus sent for us.
“No, you’re not. You still need help. You’re coming home with me.”
“I’m not—”
“Jay, take us home, please,” Anson said, looking over at me and giving me a pointed look.
I sighed. The truth was, I didn’t want to be alone, but I was scared to be anywhere else.
“Rosalie and Ellis miss you. So do the guys. We’ll take care of you. It’s what family does,” Anson said.
There was no point in arguing with him, so I settled in for the ride back to the house. It was around dinner time, so I expected takeout. When we walked through the door, though, I was greeted by the smell of cooking.
“Ani! Ryder!” Rosalie flew to us across the room and crashed into Anson’s arms.
“Mm, songbird,” he murmured before leaning down to kiss her deeply. “You taste delicious.”
She laughed and pulled away from him before coming to me.
“Hey,” she said, reaching for me.
I went hesitantly, but the moment her arms wound gently around me, I buckled and held her back. I wasn’t hurting as much as I was before. A lot of my wounds had healed. I was tender and sore, but I would survive.
“How are you?” she asked, pulling back to cradle my cheek. I closed my eyes at her soft touch.
“Better, Red. Happy to be home.” I opened my eyes and stared down at her.
Fuck, she was beautiful.
I swallowed and offered her the best smile I had.
She took my hand in hers and led me deeper into the living room before settling onto the couch with me.
“Smells like you’re cooking,” I said. “Where are the guys?”
“Klaus is in his office yelling at someone, and Evan has a meeting. He should be back soon. Ellis and Trix are at ballet. Everyone should be back home within the hour.”
She continued to hold my hand. I looked to the kitchen in the massive open floor plan to see Anson checking the food in the oven. He winked at me and left a moment later, presumably to find Klaus.
She twined her fingers with mine.
“I was so worried about you, Ry,” she said, her voice shaking. “God. I’m so sorry.” Tears filled her green eyes as she stared at me, clutching my hand.
“Oh, Red, honey,” I murmured, reaching for her with my free hand. I cradled her face, and she leaned into my touch.
“I’m OK,” I said gently. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“You weren’t, though,” she choked out. “We almost lost you. I-I can’t lose you. Ani can’t. Ellis can’t. None of us can.”
“You didn’t. I’m still here.” I said, pulling her in for a hug.
She collapsed against me, crying softly.
I raked my fingers through her soft curls.
I hadn’t wanted to talk to her while I was in the hospital.
I didn’t want to see her the way I was and then worry about me.
Sure, I was near death at one point, but I was here now.
That’s what mattered. I told Anson to let everyone know I was OK.
“Are you OK?” I asked, continuing to hold her against me.
“No,” she said, her voice low. “I’ve had a bad few weeks.”
“I know, darlin’,” I said. “I’m here now. I’ll keep the fucking nightmares trying to haunt you away.”
She held me tighter, and I breathed in the sweet scent she always wore.
A timer went off a few moments later. Anson swept back into the room, turned it off, and pulled dinner out of the oven. He didn’t even glance at us. Instead, he left the room again, and I held Rosalie tighter against me.
I wanted to tell her. Fuck, I did, but what if she told me we were only friends? I’d never had a girl tell me no before, so I wasn’t even sure how I’d handle it.
Obviously, I’d be OK, but I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship and make shit weird. She had all the bullshit going on with the horsemen too.
So I decided to keep it to myself and save us all the heartache of that conversation.
I was content just to have these moments with her.