42. SCARLET
Go to bed, Scarlet. It's okay. She's okay . My dad said.
And I believed him.
I was fifteen, and we’d just had the mother of all fights. All three of us.
After fifteen years of Mom hitting me with switches, Dad finally found out. Mom went too far this time.
How long, Elle? How long has this been going on ?
Dad yelled when we walked in the door at home after he picked me up from school.
The school nurse hadn't wanted to call my dad.
She had wanted to call my mom, because isn't it always the dad abusing the kid?
Well, not in our house. One look at my face when she started to dial Mom, though, was enough for her to hang up and change her mind.
Do you want me to call your dad instead, honey ?
I nodded. Numb and in so much pain, I could hardly breathe. On the nurse's insistence, he took me straight to the hospital.
I think she has a couple of broken ribs . The nurse said.
She was wrong. I only had three bruised ribs.
Of course, the doctors noticed the faint scars on my back, my stomach, and the upper parts of my thighs, not to mention the new bruises and cuts.
Last time, Mom hit me so hard that she broke the switch.
All of it because I came home in a cut-off tank top and shorts.
My friends and I had been to the lake; it was hot and summer.
I used to have a waist like this , mom remarked wistfully when I entered the day before the disaster, and high perky tits .
Mom was still a beautiful woman. I didn't see anything wrong with how she looked. Yes, her stomach wasn't as flat as in some of the older pictures—she’d been a model when she met my dad—and maybe her waist had been smaller, but it was hardly noticeable.
They told me I was too fat , her voice rose, and I shrank back, knowing what it meant. Too fat! Can you believe it ?
She wasn't talking to me; she wasn't even seeing me. Savagely, she threw the glass of wine she had been nursing against the wall. Nobody wants me anymore , she cried.
Mom , I tried, don't cry .
Mom never cried. She was strong-willed and never allowed anything to bother her.
But that day, she was totally out of it.
I didn't know how much she had already had to drink, but I noticed two empty bottles of wine in the trash.
And that's when I remembered that morning she’d had an appointment with her old agent. She had hoped to go back into modeling.
Too fat, too old , she lamented.
Mom, you're beautiful ; wrong thing to say. Wrong move to call attention to myself right then. Her hateful eyes met mine, and a snarl disfigured her pretty face.
You! This is all your fault .
I didn't know she already had the switch ready by the stairs. She leapt for it, and the next thing I remember is pain. So much pain.
When Dad came home, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to finally tell him, but I barely made it to the top of the stairs when I heard them talking.
Where is Scarlet?
She went to bed early. She wasn't feeling well , Mom purred.
Oh, that's a pity. I have a surprise for her.
I have a surprise for you, Bruce. Come here .
The noises that followed made me sick to my stomach, and I retreated into my bedroom. I went to school the next day, and after the second period, I passed out. That's when the nurse called Dad.
Dad didn't say a word on the car ride home, but he held my hand, and at one point, I heard him sniffing. I was too scared to look, but I was sure he was crying.
Dad parked the car, and I followed him inside the house. He was moving fast, like a soldier with his marching orders. He didn't waste any time. The moment he opened the door, he yelled, How long, Elle? How long has this been going on ?
Mom came out of the parlor, all pretty and flushed.
Hush, Bruce, the girls are here. We're playing bridge .
I had never seen my dad that angry. Stiffly, he walked into the parlor. Good afternoon, ladies. I'm afraid something has come up, and I need to talk to my wife .
Mom glared at me through narrowed eyes while I looked at my feet, unable to take it. Seconds later, Mom's four best friends came out of the parlor.
No worries.
We'll call you later.
Hope everything is okay .
They walked out like a chatty bunch of pretty birds as if nothing had happened, as if Dad hadn't just all but thrown them out. The moment the front door closed behind them, Dad railed at Mom. How long, Elle? How long has this been going on ?
I have no idea what you're talking about , she replied smoothly, lifting her chin. Whatever the little brat told you isn't true .
She has three bruised ribs, Elle .
Big whoop, I had two broken ribs from carrying the ungrateful fruit of your loins , Mom sneered.
The doctors said some of her scars are years old. Years, Elle .
You knew I had to discipline the little demon now and then. She's incorrigible .
She is a kid, Elle. She's your daughter !
A daughter you insisted on. I wanted an abortion, remember ?
Out, Elle. I want you out of my house .
Oh, for fuck's sake, Bruce. Grow up. Kids need discipline, especially that one. So, I might have overdone it yesterday, but you have no idea. She was parading around half-naked like the little whore she is. Right in front of ?—
Slap !
The sound of that slap still echoes inside my head.
Mom went ballistic.
Go to your room, Scarlet , Dad yelled, blocking my mom off as she came at him full force.
Dad?
Go to your room .
I made it up all the way to the top, listening to Mom and Dad throwing insults at each other.
Pack your things and get out, Elle .
Fine ! She threw a vase, barely missing Dad.
Dad !
Mom stormed up the stairs.
You two will be sooo happy with each other. All alone. Hah ! Mom screeched.
She saw me by the top of the stairs. Do you really think now you'll have your daddy all to yourself? You little whore .
Tears ran down my face. This was so ugly. I'd always wanted my dad to find out. But I'd been too scared to say anything because of this exact scene.
Well, you won't have each other !
Mom grabbed me by the hair. This had been her threat all along. Tell, and I'll kill you and your father.
Dad!
Mom was going to throw me down the stairs. I held on to the banister despite the pain in my ribs. Mom kicked and spat and lost her balance when I ducked a slap. Her hand reached out to me. I could have grabbed it. Easily. I could have stopped her fall. But I didn't.
With a scream, she rolled down the stairs.
Dad was already halfway up. Mom came down so quickly that he didn't have time to react.
Emotionless, I watched him reach for her and miss.
I had years to think about it. Think about the moment I could have grabbed her hand.
Or how Dad could have stopped her fall. Neither one of us did.
I never knew if his failing was as intentional as mine, and I was never brave enough to ask.
Just like he never asked why I didn't reach out.
A horrible, horrible cracking sound followed when she landed on the marble tiles.
Elle ?
Mom ?
Dad went after her and knelt by her side, pulling her up into a sitting position.
He looked up at me. Go to bed, Scarlet, it's okay. She's okay. Mom's okay.
And I believed him. I believed that when he said he was going to take her to the hospital, he was telling the truth. I believed him when he came home and said Mom was fine, but she would spend the night in a hotel.
I don't know why I believed him when he told me the next day that Mom had a terrible accident. That she’d gotten drunk and crashed her car into a tree.
But I did, for many, many years. Maybe because it was so much easier than accepting that by not grabbing her hand, I had killed her.
So I lived with that lie. Only in my nightmares did I allow myself to consider that Dad had lied to me. For me.