Chapter 12
By the time I make it out to the patio to join Victoria in the pool, she’s made herself at home in a giant flamingo floatie with a glass of iced tea. Her little red bikini barely covers any of her luscious body.
“Hey,” I say as I stop at the edge of the deep end, watching her.
She sits upright too quickly, almost capsizing her comical little boat.
“Oh, hey,” she says, shielding her eyes from the sun with one hand. “I was just about to come find you, make sure you were still alive.”
I smile at that. “Yes, you look very concerned.”
A sassy smirk flashes across those gorgeous features. “Get in. the water’s nice.”
“I think I’ll take a chaise for now.”
I don’t have it in me to slip into the cool water right now. I feel like I’m barely keeping it together to the point that even that small change in my body temperature might send me right over the edge.
I settle in the chaise lounge closest to her in the shade and close my eyes. The sound of her paddling her flamingo over to the side of the pool makes me smile.
“Hey, I wanted to say that…” She pauses and I raise my eyebrows, eyes still closed. “I didn’t mean to ruin your thing down there. I’ve been thinking about it, and I wonder if I should have just, you know, kneeled there and stayed quiet.”
I let out a small laugh. “I think it turned out all right.”
“I mean, yeah, I agree with that. But it wasn’t exactly what you wanted. You brought me down there to show me something that’s important to you, and I ruined it by forcing you to play my game instead.”
“You can’t force me to do anything.” It’s not an answer, but I’m not sure what to offer her at this moment. Everything I thought I knew about myself is now up for debate. And my mind is reeling. I can barely hear myself think over the racket going on inside my skull.
“Consent goes both ways, you know,” she says flatly into the silence that hovers between us.
I turn and place both feet on the ground beside the chaise, bowing my head and clasping my hands together with arms resting on my thighs.
She’s right, of course.
Right in that my consent should be just as important as hers. The only problem is, it’s not just the change to the scene downstairs that’s got me worried. I didn’t consent to any of this. To these feelings. To this complete and utter lack of control.
I’ve never felt so wild, so free, and the feelings of impending doom that accompany those feelings scare the shit out of me.
If I”m not in complete control, if I’m not competent enough to be in charge of even myself—what does that mean for the life I’ve built for myself? What does it mean for my job? For my son?
I’ve always felt like the only thing keeping the entire world from going off the rails is my firm grasp on reality and the ability to make the difficult decisions necessary to keep things running smoothly.
But all of a sudden, in one little flash of release, a window opened into another perspective.
While it’s true that I’ve managed to keep a death grip on every single aspect of mine and my son’s lives over the years, has it really gotten me what I wanted?
Is the life I’m living the one that I want to live?
Shit. I may have completely lost my mind. Full on existential crisis. But I don’t know how to recover. There’s no one to ask for help because I’m the person everyone comes to when they need help.
“Ben, I gotta be honest with you right now, you don’t look well.”
I look up too quickly, and my head spins. “Oh, I”m fine. Just feeling a bit off kilter, I guess.”
Victoria pushes off the side of the pool with one foot and floats toward the center. “Just feeling a bit off kilter, I guess,” she mimics in what I guess is how she thinks I sound. It’s not a flattering rendition.
I collapse back onto the chaise. All I want is to leap up and start fixing things, but I can’t think of a single thing to do. There’s nothing out there to fix. What’s broken is inside my own mind.
What if I’ve been doing it wrong my entire life?
At this point, I”m almost positive my son would agree with that. Hell, I can’t even get the kid to talk to me anymore. I’ve been blaming him for that, waiting for him to come around and get on board with the life I’ve laid out for him.
But if my life is wrong, then the life I chose for him is wrong. Everything’s wrong.
I’ve been fighting with him for so many years, trying to make him see my point of view, but what if he’s been right all along?
I can imagine the text message I’d send him. Hey Ains, hope you’re having fun. Just wanted to let you know that I realized you’ve been right all along, and we should all just do whatever we want in life. So, enjoy Cambodia or wherever you are, see you around!
And right now, with my eyes closed against the afternoon sun, next to my enormous pool and my gorgeous beachfront mansion, exhausted from spending the last hour fucking the hell out of a vivacious, smart, funny, twenty-three year old fitness instructor, I start to believe the words.
I never actually have to go back to the city, back to my office and regiment. This right here could be my life.
I roll my head to the side and crack my eyes open. Victoria has taken off the bikini and tossed it over the side of the pool. She floats naked on the flamingo, eyes closed, seemingly not a care in the world.
I glance down at my own bare chest, sweat gleaming from the heat of the day, then back up at the gloriously naked woman in my pool.
This is my life. Quite literally.
Is it possible this is the first time I’ve ever realized that I have any choice in the matter? That I”ve entertained the idea that I could change the rules and enjoy myself?
I’m going to try. Just a little experiment to see if what I”m feeling right now is something that can be real, rather than just some passing dopamine. Or a stroke.
I’ll give it two weeks. Let the office know I’m going to work from here. Let Victoria know that I’m interested in her. Let myself do things that bring me enjoyment.
If at the end of the two weeks, I’m still as happy as I am right now, I might have some big choices to make. If not, I just head back to New York and pick up where I left off.
I’ve got nothing to lose.