Chapter 22
“Don’t forget your leftovers,” Ben calls as I follow him out of the little restaurant on the beach.
“Oh, yeah,” I say, hurrying back to the table to snag the snack bundle Katy, the proprietor, made for me out of all the little tidbits we had left and, if history has taught me anything, a bit extra.
“Thanks, Katy,” I call over my shoulder as I reach the doorway.
The woman smiles and waves.
Ben’s waiting for me just outside the building and slides his hand across my bare midriff as I approach him, pulling me in close to his side as we make our way back to the golf cart.
It’s madness that I’m allowing this sort of behavior in public on this tiny island, where anyone walking by could be holding the bomb that blows my entire life apart, but it’s a hard train to stop.
The closer we get, the more the man seems to need to touch me all the time. The more he touches me, the more I crave his warm hands on my skin. And even though I know every public display of affection is another round of deadly roulette, it’s stopped feeling that way all the time. I guess I’ve just gotten used to it.
Gotten used to the feeling of impending dread that follows you around at all times? That’s pretty fucked up.
Somehow, it just happened. The more time we spend together and nothing terrible happens, the more I’m able to convince myself that it’ll never happen.
And we spend nearly all of our time together now. Hanging out on Merit, bumming around Saubry, cruising the sunset in chartered yachts.
He leans down to kiss me as he tucks me into the passenger seat. His lips are warm and salty, his essence rendering me immobile for a moment, even as I try to fight off this power he seems to have over me. The power to turn me from the smart, sensible woman I used to be into the flushed, needy woman I always seem to become in his presence.
Madness.
Ben looks over from the driver’s seat of the golf cart. “What time is your class tomorrow?”
I look back at him with raised eyebrows. “Seven. And you should know that. It’s your class, too.”
We’re not even apart when I go to work, as Ben has taken to attending all my classes. I get a bit of alone time when I’m setting up and breaking down the room. Ben waits up at Reef or talks with Sam or whatever he does.
I know I should feel more concerned about the way our relationship seems to be developing.
The last few weeks have been fun but also pretty nerve wracking. I’m living in a straw hut, praying that there isn”t a hurricane.
I should get myself out before the inevitable storm, but I can’t.
I mean, I won’t.
I’m going down with this ship, for better or worse.
Ben hasn’t said a word about his feelings since that night in the tub, but I know he’s catching some. I sure am.
I can’t bring myself to broach the topic, even as the questions burn their way through my thoughts day and night. This thing between us is starting to feel real.
Even if it can’t go anywhere.
It’s so fucked up. You’re leading yourself straight into heartbreak.
But it’s more complicated than that. At least, I think it is. I mean, I know I’m a lying piece of shit who doesn’t deserve the guy next to me. Somehow, though, my brain has managed to talk me into believing that maybe he’ll see it differently. Maybe we can get through this after all.
Either way, the sand is ticking through the hourglass, and I can feel the pressure.
The time will come when someone tells Ben the truth, and I want that person to be me. I owe him that much after what an absolute gentleman he’s been.
Don’t cry, Victoria.
Instead, I try to drag the fantasy out of my mind and into the real world by saying something really, really stupid.
“Does it bother you that our relationship is still secret?”
“Do you want it to be less secret?” he asks, glancing over at me from the road.
I search his tone for any indication of whether that’s what he wants, but he’s not giving anything away.
So, naturally, I panic. “Not necessarily, I mean, it’s not secret, really, everyone knows, right?”
I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look over.
“Something going on?” he asks.
“No, sorry. I just…it’s been…” I don’t know how to put my feelings into words without actually telling him what I’m feeling.
“Yeah, I guess I know what you mean. It’s been like that for me, too. And yes, everyone I know around here knows, but it still feels very private. I’ve been enjoying having you to myself out here, even with all this chaos. But if we need to make some changes for you to be more comfortable, just let me know.”
“No,” I say quickly. “No, it’s okay.”
The cart stops right in the middle of the road and Ben turns fully to face me on the bench seat. “What we have going on here is important to me, Vic. It’s something. We don’t do a lot of talking about the future, but we should start.”
And there it is. Everything I’ve ever wanted, wrapped up like a rock in paper, smashing through my windows with a note that reads: haha.
“Like, the future of us?” I squeak out.
“Yeah. I know it sounds crazy,” Ben adds quickly as I open my mouth to protest. “Maybe it is crazy. But these last few weeks, I’ve felt crazy—in the best possible way. You’ve opened me up and I don”t know how I would ever go back to business as usual. It’s like I don’t even know that guy from before. And that has a lot to do with you.”
“Ben…” I can’t meet his eyes as I struggle to find the words to put Pandora back in her freaking box.
But I know the only thing I can offer here is the truth.
“No, not here. Let’s get back to the house, get cleaned up a bit and then have a real conversation,” he says quickly, responding to something he must see in my face. I try to suck it up and put my smile back on, but I can’t seem to do it.
“Ben, you don’t understand.” I’d rather just get out of the cart here and make my way back to the dock on foot. If we’re driving back to the house to have a serious discussion about our future, there’s no way it ends well.
“Victoria, I understand you might have some reservations, but I know you feel what I feel. I don’t want to do this in the cart. Let me take you home, tell you the ideas I have for how we can make this work. You’re welcome to argue, but just know that I get my way for a living, and it’s very difficult to out-debate me.”
I could win the argument with a few simple words.
I’m your son’s ex.
But, of course, I don’t.
“Okay.” And it’s true. If he thinks he can take me “home” and convince me that this thing between us is real, I’m going to let him. I want it to be real. I want him. I want everything.
And it sounds like that’s what he wants too. He doesn’t quite realize how convincing my arguments are going to be for why it’ll never work, but if he’s going to fight for us, so am I.
When we finally pull up to the house on Merit, there’s another golf cart in the drive.
“That’s Avery. I’ll get rid of him. You go grab a shower, okay?”
I nod and accept his kiss, watching him jog up the front steps.
I make my way around the side of the house and through the door leading to the side steps to my room. The shower is life changing, much like Ben thinks the next hour of my life will be.
I have so much hope. I don’t know where it’s all coming from, but it’s there.
He wants me.
He might love me.
I sure as fuck love him. I love him so hard it’s burning through my skin.
This conversation is going to be difficult, but what I’ve learned from Ben is that I can do difficult things. I can be a leader. I can make decisions.
I’m making one now.
I’m going to fight for us.
I’m going to tell the truth and fight for us.
I find Ben in his office, reading glasses on as he sits in his swivel chair and reads something on his phone. He glances up and smiles as I enter wearing a white silk chemise that he bought me.
“I hope you don’t think you’re working right now.” I know we planned to have a big talk, but if it starts with sex, it might actually work in my favor. Hence, the negligée.
Ben’s eyes graze down my body with desire, but then his attention shifts behind me.
I turn to look and immediately squeeze my eyes closed, regretting each and every one of my life decisions.
“What is going on here?” Ainsley asks from the doorway.
“Oh, Ains.” Ben is climbing to his feet, taking me by the shoulder and trying to turn me around. I’m as immovable as a statue. “This is who I wanted you to meet.”
“Oh, we’ve met.” The humor in his voice guts me like a fish. I’m splayed out on the tiles for the gulls to pick through. I still don’t look up.
Ben’s grip on my shoulder loosens but he doesn”t let go. “You’ve met? Victoria?”
I look up then and meet his eyes. The look there is cautious, but not yet devastated.
Give it a second, buddy. It gets better.
“Please for the love of god tell me this is some kind of fucked up threesome thing. I knew you were kinky, Vic, but I had no idea you were into?—”
“That’s enough.” Ben cuts him off. He looks back down at me, but my eyes are downcast, my entire essence seems to have retreated back inside, rendering me incapable of movement or speech. “Ainsley, give us a second. Close the door and don’t wait outside. I’ll come find you in a few minutes.”
Ainsley gives a low whistle, and I hear the door close.
Ben finally lets go of my arm as he collapses back into his chair, covering his face with both hands. I take a step back.
I watch from the corner of my vision as he drops his hands to his knees and cocks his head at me. “This isn’t exactly the way I expected our big talk to start.”
The memory of the cart ride back from the dock, when Ben all but told me he wanted to talk about a future with me, comes flooding in, bringing with it a wave of hot tears. They roll down my cheeks and into the corners of my mouth. I don’t move to wipe them away.
“I can see that you’re having a hard time, so I’m going to take a stab at what’s going on here. If I get something wrong, you let me know, okay?”
I don’t move to even draw a breath. Let me die here.
“You were involved with Ainsley. He took off or you broke up or something, and then you got involved with me, knowing I was his father, and decided not to mention it to me. Is that a correct summary?”
His cold, business-like tone sends chills down my spine.
The last thing I ever wanted was to have this conversation, but my body is refusing to fall over dead, so it looks like I have no other choice. “Ben…”
“Just a yes or no will be fine.”
“No.”
“No, that’s not what went on here, or no, you don’t wish to answer with a yes or no?”
“Both.”
“Okay. Well, you seem to only be capable of speaking one word at a time.”
“It wasn’t like that.” I snap out of my trance, all my survival instincts back online. I have to save this. “Okay, maybe it was at first, but then I got to know you and you were, are, so wonderful. I know I should have told you, but it got too hard, and I didn’t think?—”
“You didn’t think I’d stick around and continue fucking my son’s ex-girlfriend?”
“Ben, don’t?—”
“Stop. Just, just give me a second, okay?”
I suck in a deep breath to prevent myself from speaking again. After my near paralysis only moments before, all I want to do now is talk.
Instead, I drop to my knees.
Ben doesn’t even look at me.
“I think you should go,” he says finally, still not looking at me.
My eyes shoot up to his face. “What? No.”
“Fine,” he says, starting to stand. “I’ll go.”
“No,” I cry out, grabbing at his pants and trying to pull him back into his chair. “No, no, no.” I’m on my feet now, following him toward the door, having failed to keep him from walking away.
I get there first and stand with my back pressed to the cool wood. “No.”
Ben folds his arms across his chest and finally meets my eyes. I know mine are red and wet with tears. Ben’s are bone dry, his gaze cold as ice.
“Let me explain.”
“I think I understand.”
“Clearly you don’t if you want to leave. I can explain better. More.” I’m grasping for words as I watch his face remain unmoved. “You…you can”t be mad at me for lying. You told me I should lie.”
It’s a low blow, but I don’t have many weapons left.
He sighs and shakes his head. “I’m not mad at you for lying. I get it. You saw something you wanted and did what you had to do to get it. I’m impressed. Possibly even a bit flattered.”
“But?”
He scoffs out a laugh. “But, if you actually knew one goddamn thing about me, you would know that I can’t be in a relationship with my son’s ex-girlfriend.” He shouts the last two words and I flinch.
I’ve never been really, truly scared of Ben before, but I”m scared now. I’m terrified of what comes next.
“I have one responsibility in this life and it’s to be a good role model to my son.”
It’s over. I’ve lost.
But I hold my ground.
“Please, Victoria. After everything we’ve been through, please don’t make me physically remove you from this room. Please, for the love of god, just go.”
My mouth drops open, but no sound comes out. I close it and tear my eyes away from him. I squeeze them shut, trying to burn his image into my mind because I know it’s the last time I’ll ever see him.
I bow my head and leave the room without a word.
Ainsley, the motherfucker, is waiting right outside the door. “Damn Vicki, I never?—”
“Don’t, Ains. Please.” I don’t look up to see the smug expression on his face as I continue down the hallway.
Something in my tone must give away some of my feelings, however, because he catches my hand as I try to pass him and pulls me to a stop. I’m too weak to fight.
“I’m sorry. I was a jerk, I don’t know what’s going on here, but?—”
He lets me pull my hand from his and I continue down the hallway, not waiting to hear the rest.