Chapter 31
Ben follows me up all five flights of stairs. I can feel his body heat close to mine. A few times, his hand grazes mine on the handrail. By the time I unlock the door, I”m on fire with need for him.
But I can’t rush this. I told him we could take it as slow as he needs. I asked him to trust me. I have to let him come around in his own time. The fact that he’s standing here with me right now is a great sign.
He walks right into the center of the small, single room and spins in place with his hands on hips. I hit the lights and toss my bag onto the wooden chair just inside the door. Ben walks over to the window and looks out before examining the lock. He then walks to the door that I just closed and examines those locks as well, locking and unlocking each one and trying the door to make sure it doesn’t open.
When he seems to be satisfied, he turns to where I stand, leaning against the wall in my tiny kitchen and nods. “You’re right. It’s okay.”
I hold in a smile at the way he seems to be taking care of me, but as soon as the thought crosses my mind, it turns a bit sad. I suppose he’s always been taking care of me. I think back to the food that appeared in his fridge when I started coming over. The cream and sugar. The way he drove me to the helicopter that was always waiting for me when I needed to leave. How he took me in with no question when my house flooded.
This man is a nurturer, a caretaker. He has so much love to give, it breaks my heart that he’s spent so many years alone, trying desperately to be the perfect role model for his son.
I watch as he sits down on the small bed in the corner, the only furniture in the room other than the small desk and dresser. He folds his hands, looking up at me.
“I’m not really like that, you know.”
I open my mouth to protest but then realize I don’t have any idea what he’s trying to say. “What do you mean?”
Ben lets out a sigh and looks around the room again before meeting my eye. “That guy on the island, vacation Ben. I’ve never met him before. I liked him, and I know you liked him, too. But that’s not me.”
I shake my head and start to speak but he raises a hand to stop me.
“One of the first things that went through my mind, when I realized that you and Ainsley knew each other, was that he was going to tell you the truth about me.”
Tears spring to my eyes and I hold my breath. He has something he needs to say and it’s time I started listening.
“The shame of being with someone he dated came later. It was followed by the shame of being lied to.” He shakes his head once more to stop my protests. “I know. I know what I said. What I always say about going for what you want in whatever way you need to. But I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to have it turned on me like that. To realize that this person who I thought I was forming a deep connection with was someone I didn’t know at all. It only shined a light on the fact that I was just as big of a liar. You might have fallen for vacation Ben, but that guy doesn’t exist here. So, unless you want to move to the Merit house and see me twice a year when I can get away from this mess, I don’t see how we move forward.”
My breath is coming in short, shallow gasps as I try to keep myself from losing it completely. The sadness of this situation is threatening to eat me alive and I’m not sure I have the words to fight my way out of it.
But I’ve made my decision. I have to try.
I walk over and sit beside him on the single bed. He doesn’t reach for me, but doesn’t shift away, so I take that as a good sign. I lay a hand on his shoulder and let it run down the smooth fabric of his suit jacket until it’s resting on his hand. When I glance up, he’s watching me.
“I didn’t fall for vacation Ben. I fell for this, right here.” I lay my hand on his chest, right over his heart. After a second, he places his hand on mine.
“You showed me how deeply you can care about people, how deeply you love. You showed me a world where people matter so much that you’re willing to scour the globe for them. You are so caring and so loyal. You dropped everything to help your employees when they were in need. You opened your heart and your home to me, showed me a kind of love that I’ve never experienced before. Even if you didn’t call it love, I knew it was. I?—”
I break off and close my eyes, taking deep breaths to try to get through this without sobbing. “I’ve never had anyone care for me like you did. I’ve spent my time dating being dragged through short ‘take it or leave it’ flings with guys who couldn’t care less if I was even there. I thought that’s what love was. I thought that’s what I had to look forward to my whole life. But then you came along. I knew who you were, and I never intended to fall for you like I did, but when I saw the man you were, the man you are, it showed me a world that I never imagined possible. A world where someone saw me and cared for me.”
Ben’s eyes are closed when I glance up, but he’s still holding my hand tightly over his heart. “Ainsley did tell me about you. He told me that you’re the greatest man he’s ever known. That you’re strong and loyal and kind. That you’re fair and levelheaded. That he aspires to be like you when he grows up, just in a different work outfit.” I break off and let out a small sad laugh, which sounds a lot like a sob.
Ben’s eyes open and he looks right into mine.
“He told me that any woman would be lucky to have you. And at that moment, even though you were gone and I thought I’d lost you forever, I still felt lucky.”
Ben’s lips hit mine with a force that would have knocked me onto my back if he didn’t also wrap an arm around me. The feeling of him pressed against me feels like a rush of pleasure and a dam breaking. All the tears I’d managed to hold back come rushing out. He kisses me anyway, his cheeks getting as wet as mine. The taste of salt filling both of our mouths.
When he pulls away, I’m panting.
He presses his forehead to mine and we breathe together for a long moment.
“My life is so boring,” he says finally.
I laugh in surprise, reaching up to wipe my tears and pull back to look at him. “What do you mean? You just told me that you went grocery shopping.”
Ben’s eyes close as his mouth spreads into a smile. The first I’ve seen in a while, and I rejoice.
“I put my whole life on hold to take care of my son. I focused all my energy on that. Focusing on other things is new, and I’m not sure how good I”m going to be at it yet.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
He pulls away from me then and holds my head in both hands, facing him. He’s shaking his head, but it seems more resigned than anything. “I’ll just hold you back.”
I shake my head so quickly it breaks free from his grip. “That”s impossible. You can’t hold me back if you’re the life I want.”
“You can’t know if this is the life you want.”
“We can’t know anything about the future. All we can know is what we want and how we feel and then we go from there.”
Ben says nothing so I go on. “We can start over.”
I stand abruptly and have to steady myself before I stick out my hand. Ben looks at it for a long second before taking it in his own. “I’m Victoria. Nice to meet you.”
Ben stares at our locked hands and takes a deep breath. When he exhales, he meets my eye. “Ben.”
I smile. “Ben, is that short for Benjamin?”
When he returns my smile, a tiny bit of my broken heart heals. It’s a start.
“No. It’s short for Bentley. A family name.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Ben. I look forward to learning more about you.”
He doesn’t let go of my hand when I loosen my grip, so I retighten it, taking a step closer.
“You know,” he starts, looking down to our hands and then up my body in a way that sends chills through me. “The first time we met, you seduced me.”
“Is that what happened?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.
“I’m pretty sure that’s the only way I would have ended up in that hotel room with you.”
“Well, since we get a do-over, maybe it’s your turn to seduce me.”
“I would, but…” Ben drops my hand and pats his pockets. “I didn’t bring any snacks with me.”
I laugh then, in surprise but also in pure joy. The weight of the last few weeks has been heavy on my shoulders, and I just felt a bit of it lift. I know this isn’t the end of what we need to work through, but the fact that he’s willing to start that journey with me is music to my soul.
I feel a bit like singing.
Instead, I unbutton the stiff suit jacket and let it fall to the floor behind me, seductively reaching for the buttons of the silk blouse.
Ben groans. “You can never, ever tell anyone how much I’m about to enjoy this law clerk intern strip tease.”
I scoff and try to look scandalized. “I thought this was part of the interview.”
Ben groans again and covers his face with his hands. After a moment, though, I see him peeking through his fingers.
“Do I need to take it all off? Or would it be okay with you if I just unbutton my top?”
Ben shakes his head and pulls his phone out, holding down the button to power it off. “Thing’s always listening,” he mutters.
I want to laugh at his unnecessary precaution, but I stay in character. “I really appreciate this opportunity, sir.”
When he looks up at me, I can see the change in him. He’s going to play. Adrenaline shoots through me, and I suck in a breath to keep from reacting.
He stands and buttons his suit jacket, just the way I’ve seen actors do it on television law shows. Again, I want to giggle but I keep it together.
“On your knees.”
I drop to the floor in a rush of desire.
Here we are, right back to where we started, Mr. Adams.
But so much has changed since that night. It seems like a million years ago that we were in that hotel room on Faraday. I never could have imagined being here now, still with Ben. Getting a chance to make this crazy thing between us real.
But here we are, in my shabby studio apartment, with him standing over me in his fancy suit, getting ready to make me earn a clerk job the hard way.
And he says his real life isn’t any fun.
I beg to differ.
“You better get that shirt off. I don’t have all day.”
Gone is the funny, kind, uncertain Ben from moments before. He’s replaced with the powerful, take no shit, Mr. Adams the lawyer.
Heat pools between my legs as I struggle to unbutton the blouse as fast as I can. When I toss it to the side, I glance up and find him appraising me, hands on his hips.
“You wore a bra like that to a job interview? You were expecting to end up on your knees, then?”
“I just wanted to be prepared.” I try to sound as meek as possible, when inside, passion races through me. I only hope I can behave myself long enough to get what I want.
“Well, I had a chance to look over your resume and it all seems very impressive. But I need you to know that as a clerk in this firm, you will have other duties.”
“Like filing and getting coffee?” I ask timidly, eyes on his shiny shoes.
Ben laughs darkly. “You will certainly be getting coffee. But there will be times like this, when I call you into my office, and I need to know that you are willing and able to perform the duties asked of you.”
“I graduated top of my class, sir. I’m sure I’ll be able to perform any duties you need.”
“I can tell you’re just playing coy. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Like I said, sir, I will be happy to perform any duties you need.”
I peel my eyes away from Ben’s shiny dress shoes and let them drift up his body. His desire is evident in the front of his pants, and I don’t want to let my attention hover there for too long, but he catches me.
“Something interesting down there?” His voice is low and rough. Mean, even a little cruel. I can’t get enough. It wasn’t my intention to provoke him, but I can’t help myself.
“No, sir.”
No sooner have the words left my mouth than he has my chin in his hand and is tilting my face roughly upwards. “No? I thought we had an understanding.”
He tosses my face to the side, and I have to catch myself with one hand to keep from falling over.
“I—”
“Get it out.”
“Sir—”
“You know, there’s an allotted amount of time for these interviews. If you think wasting my time is going to work in your favor, you are sorely mistaken.”
Bastard.
I love it.I love him.
I reach up to grasp him by the belt, pulling forward with a jerk and forcing him to take a step toward me. I start to unbuckle it, but he stops me with his hands. “There’s no need to take my belt off. Just pull down the zipper. I’m not the one who gets undressed in this office.”
Heat rushes through me once more at his command. I fumble trying to get the zipper down quickly but finally manage. I reach inside and grasp him, shifting his pants to the side to wrestle his erection out. He’s rock hard for me, just like I’ve been dreaming about.
Anticipating his next command, I take him straight into my mouth, licking up and around his head and sucking him deep inside.
“Choke yourself.”
My jaw drops open around him and I sit back slightly, his cock coming free of my mouth as I look up in surprise. “What?”
“You heard me, girl. I’m getting really tired of this innocent act. You have two seconds to choke?—”
He cuts off as I go for it, driving my head forward onto his waiting cock. I succeed, kind of, hitting the back of my throat hard enough to gag myself.
He laughs darkly at my attempt. “Get it down there.”
I try again, slower this time, angling my head back so his cock can slide down, mimicking how he’s positioned my head in the past when deep throating me.
I still fail to get his tip to pass the top of my throat. After an embarrassing third and fourth attempt, I sit back on my heels, wiping away my tears and looking up at him from under my lashes. “I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?” he replies, completely unsympathetic to my plight.
“Can’t, sir. I tried.”
He takes his cock firmly in his own fist. “Well, consider that part of the interview failed.”
My mouth drops open as I gasp. Ben catches the back of my head with his other hand and drives himself into my gaping mouth. “I’ll show you how it’s done.”
Straight fucking down.
I only get a second to marvel at how powerful he is, easily accomplishing the task I failed. After that first second, my mind becomes otherwise occupied with survival instincts.
He pulls out just enough for me to gasp in a large breath before penetrating my throat once more. Once inside, he stays there, pumping deep into my body as my reflexes try to swallow repeatedly to dislodge the intrusion.
“Fucking hell that feels good.”
His words are a balm, and I rise up a bit on my knees to take him deeper.
“That’s right, take it.”
I can’t see through the ocean of tears, but I imagine him up there, eyes rolled back, lip clasped in his teeth, watching me like the sex goddess that I am.
He’s pumping faster, giving me less and less opportunity to breathe. I can tell he’s close, so I reach up to grasp his balls just like he showed me.
“Damn it, girl. Are you trying to make me come?”
The way he’s fucking me right now tells me I’m not the only one with that end in mind. I brace myself, preparing to take him, when all of a sudden he pulls out.
“Goddamn, that was close.” He releases my head and takes a step back, leaving me bowed and heaving on the floor in front of him. “You know as soon as I come, the interview’s over. You wouldn’t want to end yours on a failure, would you?”
“I…” I swallow a dozen more times, still trying to catch my breath and calm my nervous system back down. When I can finally manage, I peek up at him. “I don’t think that was a failure. You seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit.”
Ben laughs again in the evil way he’s been doing since this game started. “The order was to choke yourself. It doesn’t count if I do it for you. Get up and get your hands on the desk over there. Get your skirt up, too.”
I struggle to my feet and make my way over to the desk. Using both hands, I pull my skirt up around my waist, exposing my garters and bare ass.
Ben lets out a low, objectifying whistle. “She showed up at her interview wearing garters and no panties. I knew from your resume you would be one to meet with personally, but I really had no idea, did I?”
“I just wanted to please you, sir.”
“What will please me is if I walk over there and find a tight, wet pussy waiting for me. Is that what I’m going to find, Victoria?”
“Yes, sir.”
In fact, I think I might be dripping down my thighs as we speak.
I’m facing the window, so I don’t see the smack coming before it lands on my ass. I cry out, mostly in surprise, and turn to look at him. “Have I been bad, sir?”
He smacks me again and I stifle a gasp, burying my face in my arms on the desk. Next thing I know, Ben’s lifting my head up by my hair, his face tucked down next to mine. “Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need a reason to punish you. Once you’re my employee, I can do anything I want to you anytime. Got it?”
“Y-yes.”
“Yes, what?” he growls, still holding my head tightly by my hair.
“Yes, sir.”
He gives no warning before driving his cock straight inside me.
I cry out in surprise and he laughs. “That is a tight little pussy, isn’t it?”
My scalp is beginning to burn where he’s pulling my hair, and my tears start to flow anew.
“Hurts, does it?” he asks.
I know he’s referring to his cock, which doesn’t hurt a damn bit—quite the opposite—but I nod.
“Hurts when I stretch that pussy wide open with my cock. It’s something you’re going to have to get used to working here.”
He releases my head and I catch it just in time before my forehead hits the desk. With both hands holding my hips as I bend over, Ben starts to slide himself in and out of me faster, driving deeper as my body relaxes and opens for him.
“That’s right, take it all,” he growls out. I can hear the breathiness of effort in his voice.
I touch my forehead down on the cool wood and tilt my hips up just so. He’s fucking me just how he knows I like it, and I’m not going to last long.
I wonder if I’ll get bonus points on my interview for coming on his cock.
It’s time to find out.
I clench down and cry out as the wave of pleasure breaks over me. It’s dark where my head is tucked but I squeeze my eyes closed anyway, holding my breath and biting down on my lip as I careen through the ecstasy.
“That was so fucking hot, girl. I’m about to fill you up.”
I can just barely hear his words over the ringing in my ears.
With a few punishing thrusts, Ben comes inside me, pressing himself deeper and deeper as the slickness grows. He stills and holds himself there, bent over my back with his forehead pressed just under my shoulder blades, hands still holding me by both hips.
I wait for him to pull out, but he doesn’t. After a moment, I feel myself sliding off the desk. When daylight reaches my hooded eyes, I realize I’m sliding down to the floor with Ben. He’s still inside me and his arms are around my center, holding me tightly on his lap.
When he finally relaxes his grip enough that I can take a full breath, my anxiety decides a joke is the best course of action. “See, Lawyer Ben can be fun.”
Ben, to his credit, gives me a small laugh, not releasing his arms from around me.
“Lawyer Ben doesn’t take on a case he doesn’t think he can win.”
It takes a moment for me to process his words, but when I do, I struggle free of his embrace and turn to face him. His now soft cock lays in his lap. I can see that he did take off the belt after all. His pants are around his ankles as he sits on his heels, kneeling before me where I sit.
He looks perfect and sexy and handsome and sad.
“What does that mean?”
He shakes his head. “It means…I just don’t know.”
“That’s right, Ben. You don’t know. We can’t know. You can’t know that you’ll win a case before you take it. You can think you’ll win, but you can’t predict the future. It’s the same with us. Whatever reservations you have, you have to give us a chance. I know you want to. And I know you’re going to be brave enough to try. I wouldn’t have come here to the city and set up my whole life around this if I didn’t think it would work.”
Ben cocks his head to the side and gives me what could be a little smirk. “I’m the case you thought you’d win?”
“You’re the prize I’m here to fight for.”
“I’m not sure anyone’s ever fought for me before,” he says.
“Well, same here. You and I have come down different roads in life, but those roads brought us right here. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel what I feel.”
“I can’t tell you that. You’re right.”
“Okay. That’s a start. I’ll take it.”
Ben climbs to his feet. I think he’s going to take my hand and pull me up to him but he doesn’t. “You make one hell of a case, Victoria.”
I smile up at him as he pulls up his fancy suit pants and buckles his belt. The wrinkles in his perfect suit make me swell with pride. I love the idea that he’s leaving here with the evidence of me all over him.
“Does that mean I get the job?”
He laughs and shakes his head, turning back to the bed where he left his phone. I watch as he switches it back on and tucks it into his pocket. “I can’t stay.”
“Oh. That’s fine. Just, you know. You have my number. You can unblock it if you want.”
He pauses by the door and looks back at where I still sit. If he was expecting me to get up and run to him, he doesn”t show his disappointment. “Bye.”
“Bye.” My word is practically a whisper compared to his firm command.
I watch the door close behind him.
And then I collapse.
I’m on the floor with my skirt around my waist, dripping cum, and he just walked out. The tears are automatic, heaving out of my chest in sobs so loud I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben could hear them from the street.
This is my lot in life, I guess. The woman who gets tossed aside. Unwanted. Good enough to fuck but never good enough to date. Nothing serious.
How could I have let this happen? I was so sure that my plan would work.
I guess I was wrong.
After a while the tears dry and I lay quietly on my back, looking out the window at the clouds. The catharsis from the punishing game with Ben and then the actual punishment of being left and crying my soul out leaves me feeling gutted, tired, and somehow calmer. Free.
I gave it my all. I gave him my best. I owned up to my mistakes and apologized. I told the truth about my feelings even when I wasn’t sure they’d be returned.
I showed up here as the woman I want to be in life.
I wasn’t handed the grand prize, but I’m still that woman. Even sitting here alone, unsure of how to go on, I’m still her.
And I think I like her.