Chapter 34
Ben’s house is almost exactly how I pictured it.
Old world exterior of gray and red brick, immaculate landscaping, and windows with white shutters. There’s even a damn turret.
The inside is like walking into a near future sci-fi film. The house unlocks with his fingerprint and greets us with slowly illuminating warm lights. I glance around to see the outside of the home reflected in the antique looking dark wood furniture and parquet floors. The effect is softened with modern touches that speak instantly of Ben—bold modern art prints and athletic shoes on a rack.
I marvel at all the space. The seemingly never-ending hallways leading off in all directions. I thought the Merit house was big, but that was a dollhouse in comparison.
“Why do you live in such a huge house?”
Ben turns after hanging his jacket in the entry way closet and reaches for mine with a shrug. “I’ve never really thought about it. My grandparents built it, and it was my parents’ after that. I inherited it when they passed, and it just seemed right to move here.”
Wow. “So, you’ve lived here your whole life?”
He smiles and comes over to take my hand, leading me down the hallway into the kitchen. “Not exactly. I grew up here, but I moved to Boston for college and had an apartment there. When I got married, I was still in grad school, so we stayed in Massachusetts. It wasn’t until about ten years ago that my father passed, and I took over the estate. Ainsley and I lived in an apartment in Manhattan, close to the firm, before we moved here.”
He sits me down on a stool at a high eating bar with a marble counter and walks over to the massive stainless-steel refrigerator.“You know,” he starts, looking around, “it seemed so natural to move here, I never really gave it much thought. But I guess Ains and I were city boys at that point. And the estate is in the city, but it’s not like our apartment in Manhattan. Moving here was a big transition for both of us, and a hard one for Ains with the school change and all that. But it never occurred to me that not coming home was a decision I could have made.”
It”s just a taste of the man’s past and I want more. “And your wife?” He’s never brought her up, but somehow I get the feeling it’s okay to ask.
Ben’s back is to me as he stands at the fridge and he’s quiet for a while as he digs out supplies. Turning back to me, eggs and veggies in hand, he smiles. “Hungry?”
I nod. “Always.”
I watch him get out the pan and start chopping. After a few moments, he answers my question.
“Breanna died of cancer when Ains was six. We still lived in Boston at that point. She went fast. By the time we knew anything was wrong, it was far too late to intervene.”
The veggies sizzle as they hit the pan. Ben stirs them with a spatula.
“Back then, I didn’t worry so much about things going wrong. I had no idea how bad it could be. Up to that point, things had been pretty rosy. Perfect upbringing, finest education, happy marriage to a lovely woman, and a healthy son. We had bright futures. All of us.”
He stirs the pan and adds the eggs, lifting it and swirling them around to cover the bottom. I don’t dare to even breathe, not wanting to risk interrupting whatever little bit of Ben I’m about to learn.
“All of a sudden she was gone, and I had to start over. It’s like you said at the café. All of my decisions had to be made by me, alone. And I now knew how much I had to lose by making the wrong ones. It was even worse because I had this kid to keep safe as well. The world was a minefield of possibilities. I was paralyzed with fear. Avery was living with me and Ains in Boston after Breanna passed, and it seemed like the three of us would hunker down there together and heal, but that’s not how it happened. Avery can’t really hunker down anywhere, and his healing was something that needed to happen far away from his father. But it was Avery’s dad who stepped in and started showing me how to make decisions. I have a lot to thank Frederick for. I’m not sure why he took me under his wing after abandoning Avery for his whole childhood, but that’s another conversation. I started at his firm. Ains and I lived at his estate for a bit before settling into our own apartment after I landed at the Manhattan office. And life went on. But I never lost sight of the fact that everything I loved was just one mistake away from being ripped from my life.”
“Your wife dying of cancer was hardly a mistake you made.”
He nods, using the spatula to slice the omelet in half and slide it onto two plates. “Rationally, of course. But we are far from rational beings.”
I close my eyes to hold back tears as the heartbreak of his statement washes over me. The years he spent blaming himself for not catching the cancer earlier. How he must have decided that it was his job to keep anything else terrible from happening.
“This was all a long time ago, Vic.”
I nod, finally opening my eyes when I hear a plate being set down in front of me. I smile at the lovely breakfast. He even tossed a little cheese on mine when I wasn’t looking. “Thank you.”
Ben sets his own plate on the counter in front of him, so he’s standing face to face with me as I sit at the bar. We eat in silence for a few minutes. The food is truly delicious. I could get used to this.
“I never did this again,” he motions between the two of us with his fork, “because I was too scared of it all repeating. Relationships just seemed too volatile. People are too fragile. I already had to be worried about Ainsley every second of the day, I didn’t think I could make space in my psyche to worry about someone else as well.”
He shakes his head, looking down at his plate for a long moment before meeting my eyes. “But I don’t worry about you. And that’s not to say I don’t care about your wellbeing. I care very much. But it’s a different kind of care. It’s less like something I need to manage and more like something I’m watching go on. With Ains, I feel like if I take my eyes off the road for one second, he’ll careen off an overpass. But with you I feel like I could be the one reclining in my seat, putting on music for the road trip of our lives. And I don’t know exactly what that means because I’ve never felt anything like it before. But for the first time since I lost my wife, I’m thinking about being in a relationship and feeling something other than dread. It’s more like excitement.”
I don’t know what to say so I wait, holding his gaze as best as I can with the tears blurring my vision. When I glance down, I realize that he’s reached over and is holding my hands. I squeeze my eyes closed and let the tears fall, unwilling to let go of him for even a second to wipe them away.
“And I made you cry, which wasn’t my intention.”
I shake my head fervently, preparing to argue, but he shakes his own, quieting me. “That’s not what I meant to say. What I meant was that I’ve been listening to your voicemails, and I read your texts. And the feeling of someone being willing to fight for me like you’re doing means a lot to me. I’m a stubborn old man with control issues who has been alone for more than ten years. I can’t tell you that I’m going to be a great partner for you at first. But I’ll learn if you’ll give me time.”
“And call you on your bullshit?”
Ben laughs. “And call me on my bullshit. Although, if I start listening to reason now, my son’s going to be pissed. He’s been trying to talk me out of my castle for years.”
“He’s a smart guy.”
Ben nods. “He is. And you know what, he brought you to me. And maybe that’s what was meant to happen all along.”
I slide off my chair and come around the counter, pressing myself right into his waiting arms. “What you’re saying is that this was meant to be?” I ask, looking up at him from where my chin rests on his chest like I’ve done so many times before.
I get a little smirk and a narrow-eyed glare in return. “What I’m saying is that we’ve been living in la-la land for the last few months and if this thing between us has a chance of transitioning into the real world, I’m going to have to start showing you how things work around here. It can’t all be scary movie scenes and role playing.”
I smile and cock my head to the side. “What else is there?”
“Well, there’s me cooking dinner for you every night.”
“Which you pretty much did already on Merit.”
“And there’s my strict fitness regimen.”
“God, you say the sexiest things.”
“And there’s my bedroom upstairs which is now our bedroom, and my shower which is now our shower.”
“Mmm…”
“Where you better be waiting for me naked in exactly five minutes.”
I narrow my eyes once more. “I don’t even know where the stairs are in this castle. How am I supposed to know where our bedroom is?”
Ben spins me in his arms but continues to hold me tightly to his chest. He leans down and whispers in my ear. “The clock starts now.”
Then he gives me a little shove.
I shake my head and toss an eye roll over my shoulder before hurrying back down the hallway we came in. I jog up the main stairs and find my new bedroom without much difficulty. It’s the master suite at the end of the wide hallway with the doors flung open.
The inside is so perfectly Ben that I know without even having to think it that I won’t be changing a single thing about it. It smells like the woodsy, pine essence of him, with deep green rugs and dark brown leather furniture. Even the headboard is leather. The bed is made perfectly with a magnificent forest green down duvet and a folded throw so fuzzy and cozy looking that I almost toss myself on it and wrap up like a burrito.
But then I remember my task.
The ensuite is the size of my apartment on Faraday, with a walk-in shower complete with four shower heads and steam nozzles. It’s open to the rest of the room with drains in the green tile floor. I kick on all the shower heads to hot and strip off my Pilates clothes, tossing them on the leather love seat just outside the bathroom.
When I stand in the very center of the shower, all four waterfall shower heads pouring down on me at once, I close my eyes and moan in pure pleasure.
“That’s what I like to hear.”
I open my eyes and wipe the water away, watching Ben approach through the steam. He’s naked as well, and hard as a rock, erection bouncing with every step.
He steps into the water and pulls me to his chest. We’re quiet for a long moment like that, allowing the hot water to soak us.
Finally, I can’t stand it any longer. “What game are we playing?”
Ben pulls my face from his chest and wipes the water away from my eyes and cheeks. More rushes into its place. “No game.”
“No game?” I whisper, holding his deep, dark gaze.
He shakes his head. “No game. Just you and me.”
I’m not sure how to start so I wait, letting my hands drift over his naked body. Ben does the same. The sensation of his smooth, wet skin under my fingers merges with the feeling of him touching me in the same soft, loving way. The tears start to rise once more. I don’t think Ben will notice with the sheer volume of water already pouring down my face as I stand tucked into his chest under the shower heads, but he does.
“If these ever become tears of sadness or fear or unhappiness, you tell me, okay?”
I nod.
He wipes his thumbs under my eyes and smiles down at me. “I feel it, too. I want you to know that. The feeling that makes you cry while you smile like this, I feel it.”
Which, of course, only makes the tears bubble up faster as I smile up at him.
After a long moment, he breaks our stare to lean over and grab a bright green loofah, holding it under a built-in nozzle on the marble wall. The automatic dispenser offers a squirt of what I can already smell is lavender body wash. Ben lathers it in his hands and starts to wash me, beginning at my shoulders and continuing until he’s kneeling before me, rubbing soap in between each of my toes with his fingers.
The continuous stream of water from overhead does a great job of rinsing me as I stand and watch him, so by the time he’s done, I’m relatively soap free and he’s kneeling in a pile of bubbles. I can tell the second his soft, loving caress turns to something more. His fingers press harder as he drags them back up my legs, leaning in close to follow behind with his lips, pressing kisses in a line leading up toward my hips.
He touches down between my legs first with the tip of his tongue, a little hello to my nerves that makes me gasp.
“Sit,” Ben says, and I glance backward toward the built-in bench on the wall behind me. I slowly back toward it, not taking my eyes off the man before me, crawling on his hands and knees to follow me there.
“You know, I could get used to seeing you on your knees.” It’s a joke, but Ben isn’t laughing.
“You will.”
I gasp again as he pushes my knees apart, baring me fully to him. I lean back in the sloped seat and watch as he grazes his lips up and down both of my thighs, nearly reaching my center, but pulling away each time.
“Tease.”
“You have no idea.”
It’s true. As fully and completely in love with this man as I am, he was right before when he said we have a lot to learn about each other in real life.
I plan to make studying him and how we work together a lifelong academic pursuit.
He finally gives me the touch I’ve been burning for, landing his tongue down once more on my clit, sliding up and around, tasting me.
My body is warm and pliable from the long, hot shower, and my knees fall even further to the sides as I moan in pleasure.
I’m so worked up from having his hands on my body for so long already that I know I won’t last long like this. I try to steady my breathing to prolong the pleasure, but Ben increases his ministrations at the same time. His fingers slide into me, deep and slow. It’s all I can do to keep my eyes open, but I fight for it. Watching this beautiful, strong, sensitive man feast on me is not something I want to miss.
He says I’ll get used to the sight, and I’m sure that’s true. But I’m not used to it yet.
His eyes are closed, brow slightly creased as he swirls his tongue up and around, matching the pace of his fingers. I can’t control my breathing any longer with the wave building in my stomach, so I let go.
And I crash.
My head falls back as I tip over the edge into orgasm. I can feel Ben holding me tightly in place, working me through it, but I lose connection with reality for a moment as the pleasure overwhelms all my senses. On and on it goes. I’m wrung out and gasping but the sensations continue to fire though my nerves, keeping me trapped in my little bubble of ecstasy.
He stills when I do, and I somehow make my way back upright, make my way forward until my mouth finds his. My own taste is sweet and tangy on his lips and tongue, and I suck him into me, biting his lip and losing myself in the kiss with reckless abandon.
I’m so absorbed in getting every taste of him on my tongue that I don’t notice he’s lifting me until I’m already in his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist as he turns us and sits down on the bench, settling me on his lap.
I break away from his lips to look down at his hard cock jutting up between us. Kissing is instantly forgotten as a new need overtakes my mind.
I lift up and seat myself on his tip, my hands on his shoulders steadying myself as I slowly, so slowly, sink onto him.
His eyes are closed and mine follow suit, shutting out everything but the sensation of him entering me. The glorious fullness of us together. When my hips reach his lap and I settle my weight, it occurs to me that this is the first time I’ve really been in charge. Not that he couldn’t take over at any moment, but for right now, I’m on top. I’m the only one moving as I explore the angle of my hips, the way I can swirl him around inside me, gripping and loosening and tilting our connected bodies back and forth.
Ben is strong and steady. He grips my hips firmly to keep me safe as I slowly find my rhythm, but other than that, he seems to have melted from the combination of heat and pleasure.
I’m nearly at a melting point myself but the power of the moment is too good to let go.
I lift up further than before, taking his tip to my clit and gasping as I rub myself with it, then I slide it back in. A long, low moan from Ben brings a smile to my lips and I do it again. And again until I’m fucking us, leaned forward and gripping his shoulders with my fingernails for purchase.
Ben still doesn’t take over, allowing me to use his body all on my own, but his eyes are open now. As my breasts bounce in front of his face, he captures my nipples one at a time, licking and giving a little bite when he can.
I can’t take my eyes off his mouth, his hooded eyes, the place where our bodies connect between my legs. I rest my forehead on his as we both watch.
I’ve been working myself in just the right ways since I started, and I’m on the edge once more.
“I’m going to come,” I whisper, grinding myself harder, deeper, barely able to get the words out before my breath catches.
“You better,” he growls back, tightening his grip on my ass and preparing to take over when I lose control.
It’s a slow slide into madness, a far cry from the cliff Ben usually pushes me over. With my body rubbing slow and hard, I slip into orgasm gradually, the pleasure starting as a little seed and growing up my spine like a vine. I hang my head forward and clench down on him as it overtakes me, feeling his strong hands start to move my body back and forth as I hold on with my core.
“Fuck, girl,” Ben hisses into my wet hair as he follows me into orgasm.
I can’t stop, can’t breathe, can’t force my eyes open, even though I want nothing more than to watch him break. The heat and the pleasure and the closeness all combine and we’re one person for a moment in time, two bodies locked together.
When my lungs finally release, I lift my head and find Ben still holding his breath.
“Together,” I say, meaning our orgasm.
“Always,” Ben whispers back, and I can tell he means so much more.
He pulls me tighter to him, both arms wrapped around my ribcage. I’m not sure how long we stay like that, with him buried deep inside me, the hot water from the shower beating down on the tile floor and creating a fog of steam.
I’m going to need to move my legs soon, so I start the process of rousing him by nibbling softly on his jawline. That gets me a smile and a moment later, his deep brown eyes find mine.
“I’ve never let anyone else fill me like you always do.” I remember how he told me he liked to be my first anything, so I’m happy to offer this little bit of myself to him.
“And you never will,” he says back.
I smile and lift my head so I’m looking him straight on. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re mine.”
“Oh, really.”
“Yes, really.”
“And you’re not worried about getting me pregnant?”
“I’m not worried about anything when I’m with you.”
“That’s not really an answer.”
“It wasn’t really the right question, was it?”
“I guess not,” I admit softly, taken aback by the directness of the last few moments. I know what he’s trying to get at. “I’m not sure I’m ready to ask.”
Ben stands and lifts me with him. I release my legs and stand, still held tightly in his arms. “Well, when you’re ready to ask, the answer is yes.”
Time stumbles as yet another unimaginable promise escapes the lips of that man.
How did I get so lucky? How do I deserve this?
“I’m getting overheated,” I say, feeling a bit lightheaded now that we’re back in the stream of hot water.
“Perfect timing,” he answers cryptically.
And then he reaches out and turns the faucet as if he’s turning it off but stops when it’s ice cold. I shriek and try to escape, but my strong man has too good a hold on my body.
“It’s good for your nervous system,” Ben replies, holding me tightly as I squeal and squirm.
“I hate you!”
“You’ll get used to it.”
I’m still shrieking when he finally hits the handle and turns the tortuous shower off.
My anguish turns to laughter as he brushes my hair off my face and kisses my forehead. I might be a teeny bit hysterical.
“C-c-can I have a towel?” I ask, grinning up at him even though my teeth are chattering. I’ll never admit it to him, but the blast of cold water made me feel amazing. Maybe not in the moment, but now that it’s over, all of my senses are online, and I feel a lot less foggy headed than I did two minutes ago.
“We’ll dry off in here.” He pulls me across the wet tile and through the glass door of a dry cedar plank sauna.
“Jeez, Ben. You dry off like a crazy rich person.”
It’s his turn to laugh as he stretches out on the top bench and motions for me to take the lower. “My grandfather would be rolling over in his grave if he knew.”
“They had to have been pretty extravagant to have built a house like this. You think he’d disapprove of your sauna?”
“They were old fashioned. He may have sprung for the estate, but he was a penny pincher.”
“You didn’t inherit that gene?”
He’s shaking his head and smiling, eyes closed. “I only use about a quarter of this house, but the part I live in, I made just the way I want it.” He rolls to his side and looks down at me. “Speaking of which. You have free rein of the place. It could use a bit of freshening up. It’s quite the bachelor pad.”
“It’s beautiful, Ben.”
“Yeah, well. Let me know.”
“I’m going to suffocate to death in here.”
Another laugh and I find myself being lifted and carried from the sweltering hot tomb. When Ben tosses me on the bed a moment later, I’m amazed to see that I’m almost completely dry, other than my hair.
“I was dreaming of wrapping up in that fuzzy blanket earlier, but now I’m too hot.”
“Allow me.” He pulls open the window over the bed a large crack and cool air rushes in, sending goosebumps over my body.
My nap overtakes me before he even gets the fuzzy throw tucked in around us. I dream of being a queen and wake still feeling like one.
Is this really my life now?
We spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. I admit a few of my deepest darkest secrets, and in return, Ben entertains me with stories about growing up in a palace like this with his three best friends, thick as thieves.
Reality is starting to tap at the window of my mind, and I can’t help but wonder if I should be doing something useful right now. Getting my stuff from my apartment, working out, figuring something out. It seems like my whole world has just been flipped on its head, and though it’s exactly what I wanted, I’m a bit disoriented.
Ben’s solution is a plush robe and a tour of the estate. I follow him through room after room as he points out paintings that he likes or hates, places where he got in trouble or got hurt as a child. I find one room in the south hallway that’s decorated almost exactly like a room in a dream I had once. I make a mental note to come back soon and claim it for my own.
Once we’re back in the main foyer, I’m starting to get my bearings. Ben leads me straight down a hallway to a dim room filled with leather and books, and into a wide, comfy chair in front of three floor-to-ceiling windows looking out into seemingly never-ending evergreens. I watch as he works the latch on one of the windows and swings it open, creating a doorway that leads out onto an open porch with a few steps leading down to a path into the forest.
I walk outside and stand at the top of the steps, sinking into his body as he embraces me from behind.
With the trees looming tall and ancient before us, I finally feel strong enough to believe that this is all true. I feel free enough to take my first deep breath in what feels like hours.
“This is amazing,” I say, the words swallowed up by the magnificence of the forest.
I feel him murmur his agreement into my neck where his face is tucked. “Seven acres of forest and trails. All ours.”
I look back toward him without pulling away. “No one else is out there?”
“They better not be.”
Something in his tone, and the words themselves, send a shiver down my spine. I must shiver a bit in his embrace because he rubs his hands briskly up and down my arms for a moment.
And then pulls my robe off and tosses it onto the deck, leaving me in just my panties and a thin tank, wide eyed and aghast in the cold twilight.
“What are you?—”
I don’t get the words out before he has me turned around and marching down the stairs, toward the tree line, arms held tightly behind my back.
The cold, damp earth squishes softly beneath my toes.
Once we reach the edge of the forest, Ben stops and lets me go so suddenly I almost fall forward onto the trail.
“Now we’re playing a game,” he says darkly.
My breath catches in my chest as I consider the winding path before me that leads into the trees.
I glance back at Ben and find him watching me. Waiting.
I bite my lip and narrow my eyes at the rapidly dimming sky. The forest is almost completely dark.
“W-what kind of game?”
He leans down and whispers the words right into my ear. “One where you run.”