Chapter 15 #2
She shifted toward him, so quietly and slowly, he nearly missed the movement.
Their foreheads brushed, then their noses.
His free hand slid to her cheek, her skin so very soft and warm under his calloused hand.
His eyes now adjusted to the dark, he watched her as she lifted her eyes to his, wide and searching.
That was the moment he knew he was lost to her. Completely lost.
He bent his head ever so slightly and touched his lips to hers.
Soft at first, merely a whisper of touch.
When she did not pull away but instead let out a small whimper, he went for her mouth again; that time the kiss was deeper.
She lifted her hands to grip his shoulders, pulling him closer.
Her breath hot against his own as she pressed her body to his.
His self-control snapped tight, strained, begging to break as he sought more of her with his mouth.
“Elsie…” he exhaled against her lips as he broke the kiss, forehead pressed to hers. “If I kiss ye much more, I willnae be able tae stop it from goin’ further. I havenae the strength.”
Her voice trembled with want. “I don’t want you to stop.”
God help him, he dipped his head and took her mouth again, pushing through her welcoming lips with his tongue and exploring her the way she deserved to be explored, fully, completely. He ran his hands along her arms, the burn from the fire replaced by a burning deep within him.
He wanted her more than air. And she was there, beneath him, soft and warm, yielding in all the places he’d imagined but not allowed himself to truly picture.
Her breath fanned hot against his, her thigh brushing along the length of his leg, lithe and bare beneath the thin night dress she wore.
The feel of her body arching, instinct taking over where experience lacked, nearly undid him.
He shuddered, lowering his forehead to hers again, fighting against every instinct screaming to take her, claim her, keep her.
“Nay Elsie,” he whispered, voice rough and breaking. “I cannae dae this. I willnae ruin ye.”
She swallowed, hurt flickering through her gaze. “You wouldn’t be ruining me.”
He ran a hand down his face as he sat, bring her up with him and wrapping his arms around her, pulling her to him.
“I’m meant tae take ye back tae England,” he rasped. “Tae yer sister. I cannae return ye havin’ taken more than I’ve a right tae.”
He leaned down and kissed her again, slow and reverent, then forced himself to pull away. If only she knew how badly he wanted to ruin her. Ruin her in every way. Make it so no other man could have her, see her like that, lips swollen, heart aching.
Lass, if only ye kent how much I want ye…
He broke the kiss, feeling her breathing tremble beside him. For a long while neither of them spoke, but the dark space between them was no longer soft, it was strained.
Elsie shifted beside him, and he felt her body turn inward, like she was gathering her knees and curling into herself. Not away from him, thank God, but he felt her hurt.
He closed his eyes.
Damn it.
“Elsie,” he murmured staring up at the beams above them. “I dinnae mean tae…”
“You don’t have to explain,” she whispered cutting him off.
“Lass…”
“It’s fine,” she said a touch too quickly. “I understand. This… whatever this is between us… it’s only because of the day, and you needed something physical. Now you’ve come to your senses.”
He flinched.
She continued, softly, but painfully honest.
“I know I’m not the woman you would have chosen for your bride. I’m English, your enemy. And you barely know me. I shouldn’t expect more than mere curious attraction or need.”
Her words landed against his chest like a blow.
He turned his head toward her, heart beating painfully against his ribs. She wasn’t crying, no, she would never, but her voice trembled in a way that cut him deeper than any blade.
“Elsie,” he said low and rough, “look at me.”
She hesitated before complying. Her eyes were wide in the darkness, hurt, confused and utterly beautiful.
“What happened between us taenight wasnae just attraction or need.” His voice cracked. “I want ye, God above I want ye badly, but that’s nae th’ whole of it.”
She blinked up at him as he rested a hand on her throat, forcing himself to confide in her a truth he had been doing his best to avoid admitting even to himself.
“I keep telling meself ye’re a duty. A lie tae protect th’ clan. That I’ll hand ye back tae yer king and yer sister when this is done.”
He exhaled shakily. “But ye’ve been here hardly more than a week, an’ already ye’ve got me thinkin’ things I shouldnae be thinkin’.”
Her lips parted in surprise.
He reached out, slow and deliberate, taking her hand from where it lay atop the blankets, and sighed when she didn’t pull away.
“I didnae stop because I dinnae want ye,” he said, working to keep his voice even. “I stopped because I want ye too much.”
“I thought…” she hesitated. “I thought you only found me… attractive. That it didn’t mean anything more to you.”
He shut his eyes, pained. “Lass, if it meant naught, I wouldnae be layin’ on the cursed edge of the bed fightin’ e’ry urge in me bones tae touch ye again.”
A soft, startled sound escaped her, half laugh, half sigh. He opened his eyes again, holding her gaze in the dim night.
“I’m th’ laird,” he said. “I’ve had tae be hard me whole life. Careful. I dinnae allow people in easily. But ye’re different.”
“How am I different?” she whispered.
He decided to allow them this one small moment of truth. It would dissipate in the clear eyes of morning. But after the day they’d had, and the challenges they’d endured together, he found he didn’t have the energy or the will to fight it.
“Because.” he replied. “I cannae stop thinkin’ of ye. Because ye scare th’ hell out of me. Because ye make me want things I’ve nay right tae want.”
He wished for candle light so he could see the warm blush he knew had crept up her cheeks. He hoped he had done his part to ease the pain she felt.
He squeezed her hand, gently.
“Sleep, mo chridhe,” he murmured.
“I wish I knew Gaelic,” she whispered. “And Halvard?”
“Aye, lass?”
“I don’t understand what I feel either,” she admitted. “But it’s not just physical for me as well.”
His chest tightened painfully. They lay there in silence again.
He didn’t fall asleep for a long time. Only for the first time it wasn’t battle honed vigilance or replaying strategy in his racing mind that kept him away.
This time it was because the lass lying inches from his exhausted body had just become the most dangerous thing he had ever faced.