Chapter 69 Harlow
Harlow
I screamed, my body thrashing as a panic attack ripped through my body from a very graphic nightmare.
When I felt hands on me, it didn’t ease the panic until I heard her voice.
She was always the guiding light, the anchor in this hell which kept me teetering on the edge of sanity.
My eyes snapped open and I saw her, the concern washing over her.
I remember briefly what we talked about in the gym, but right now it didn’t matter.
“Come back to me, mia vita.”
The desire surged through me, but I knew it wasn’t for reasons I needed, but I didn’t care.
I grabbed her, wrapping my arms around her neck and bringing her body to mine.
I captured her lips in a brutal, hungry kiss, my hands on her body, desperate for contact.
She was hesitant, but she kissed me back.
I wanted her to destroy me, to cover my body in consensual bruises and use me for her pleasure.
Her touch was the only thing I craved to get me out of this permanent nightmare.
I needed her to replace the filth with her beauty.
To make me forget the peril I lived through.
I thrusted my hips against her, a moan escaping my lips as I kept her pressed against me. Why wasn’t she doing anything? I wanted her to fuck me, not do…whatever the hell this was. I growled in frustration, pushing her away from me, tears brimming in my eyes.
“If you’re not going to fuck me, then leave me alone.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Harlow, I’ll have you whenever you want, but not now. You just woke up screaming from a nightmare. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Okay?” I hissed, my voice loud and angry.
“I’m not fucking okay. I was kidnapped and tortured by a fucking monster, and you won’t help me!
” I froze, covering my face with my hands as a fresh sob ripped through me.
“God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like this. I just want to be normal, goddamn it.”
“Harlow, you are normal. The trauma you endured left a mark, and I wish I could take it from you. I’m not using sex as a way for you to cope.
Does that mean I don’t want to touch you because of him?
Absolutely not. You are still as beautiful as the first time we had sex.
I don’t want this to ruin our moments together. ”
“How can you love me?” I sobbed out, feeling my chest tighten. “I’m…fuck…I’m damaged and dirty. How could you even look at me?” I felt like everything that happened to me was a repeat. We just had this talk in the cabin yesterday. Why couldn’t I just believe it?
She brushed my hair out of my face, stroking my cheek gently.
She was looking at me like I was the only girl in the world.
I’d always craved to be seen like this, but why couldn’t I accept it?
“Harlow, when I look at you, I don’t see a damaged girl.
I don’t see the shattered pieces you want me to see.
When I look at you, I see a warrior. I see a survivor.
” She tucked me against her, and I sank into her chest, listening to the sound of her heartbeat.
“You’re stronger than me Caterina,” I whispered. “I’m not strong like you.”
She sighed. “I wasn’t always strong. When I was a girl, a man snuck into my room and tried to rape me.”
I looked up at her, and she wasn’t showing any emotion. “Caterina, I didn’t know that.”
She smiled softly. “It’s not something I talk about because he was also the first man I killed.
My papa doesn’t know, but I also had nightmares, except I wanted to be strong.
My mother told me ‘Inspira il coraggio, espira la paura’ means “inhale courage, exhale fear”.
It is not original, but I use it every single day of my life.
Every night she would come to my room and we would repeat it like a mantra.
She called me her brave little caterpillar because she knew the butterfly I would become. ”
“I don’t know how to be courageous,” I admitted. “I’m scared. I’ve been scared for the last ten years. Of him. Of my own happiness. Hell, I’m probably scared of my own shadow right now. I’m not like you. I’m not strong.”
I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare. Freedom was my reality, but with him alive, I was constantly paranoid I would wake up and be trapped again.
“Yes, you are. You just have to take the first step. I believe in you, mia vita. Everyone in this house believes in you. Now you need to believe in yourself.” She pushed me back slightly so I was looking at her. “Do it with me.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled. We did it together again and again until I was woozy. “I don’t deserve you. You don’t deserve a partner who is like this. I know I’ll be okay one day, but the trial of getting there is—”
“Harlow, I’m not here just for the easy parts.
I’m here for all of it. The trials and tribulations.
In darkest storms you’re too scared to battle alone, I will be your anchor until you are strong enough to stand.
You think your darkness scares me? I’ll love every shadow and follow you into the darkness.
” I opened my mouth to say something, but she silenced me.
“You remember when you said you weren’t leaving me?
Well, mia vita, I’m not letting you go. I’ll love you on the days you can’t love yourself until we leave this place and meet in the sky. ”
“When did you become such a sap?”
She laughed, nuzzling her face into my neck. “When our souls met and decided to never leave each other.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you, Harlow Paige Moretti, with every fiber of my being and every breath in my lungs.”
“Okay, you’re overdoing it now.”
“Never for you. How about we take a bath? And if you are still in the mood after, we can make love.”