Chapter 74
Harlow
Caterina held me in her arms last night, and it was the best form of intimacy I could ask for.
I knew it would take a while for me to feel okay.
After she saved me the first time, I was scared, but I was tasting freedom for the first time.
I shouldn’t be afraid now with him gone, but my mind told me freedom was a liability. Anyone could take it away.
Captivity was different from what I had before.
Before, I had access to the other girls and freedom to walk around.
In Vincenzo’s bunker, I was confined with my demons, alone with a monster, and fighting to survive when I thought there was no reason.
I still felt guilty because even after Vincenzo told me my mother was alive, I was debating on dying.
My heart told me to give up to be with Caterina, but my mind wanted me to be reunited with my mother.
I was battling with myself, and it hurt.
Today, I had therapy. Alone. The thought of talking to Serena made me sick.
I wasn’t ready to process everything, but now he was dead and I think it was the stepping stone I needed to slowly repair the damage he created this time.
In two and a half months, he broke me more than he did in the years I was trapped with him prior.
Serena would take her time, but it would also annoy me.
I loved the woman, but she was infuriating. Maybe it meant she was good at her job.
I walked into her office, sitting down. Before she had the chance to greet me, I stopped her. “We can skip the small talk. My mind is spiraling and I’m not doing well, but I’ll work on being better.”
“We can start there. What are you feeling right now? Caterina informed me Vincenzo is dead.”
“I should feel relieved, but I’m scared. He had friends. Powerful ones. What if Akim comes for me? Or Igor comes for my mother?”
Serena crossed her right leg over her left and sighed.
“The other families won’t be a problem, Harlow.
” She set her pen down. “This is me talking as a member of the family, not as your therapist. Igor and Akim betrayed the Petrov family. They are exiled. Roman and Caterina are allies, with many more allies alongside them. You and your mother are safe.”
“Caterina said that before, too, and then Xavier took us. And when we thought the coast was clear, Vincenzo almost killed us. Are we ever truly safe?”
“I understand your fears. The mafia is a dangerous life, and with what you experienced, it can be difficult to believe in a happy ending, but that’s what you’re finally going to get.”
“I’m scared of being happy.”
“I know. It’ll come in waves. Start doing little things. Are you planning on adopting Serenity?”
I needed to see her again. She would be mine, but I wasn’t in the right headspace yet. “I want to, but what if I hurt her on accident?”
“Why do you think you’d do that?”
“If I wake up from a nightmare or if she startles me. What if I yell at her because I’m overstimulated? I just…I had all these plans, and he took it from me.”
“Harlow, he didn’t take anything from you. He might have knocked you off track, but the only way he has victory over you is if you let him. Do the things you love. See the little girl who made your heart sing and go on a date with your wife. Are you still doing the auction?”
My body froze. I knew Caterina talked about it, but we had our trip to New York and then everything happened.
I was unprepared, but maybe I could create something else which was healing.
It was how I started my journey before when Caterina rescued me.
I didn’t want to be the woe was me person who did nothing but weep in her trauma.
Technically, I already did that. It was time to take control of my life and move forward, even if the stepping stones were pebbles and I kept falling into a dark abyss.
I knew this abyss had light at the end of the tunnel.
I had people, my mom, my grandma, Serenity, and Caterina by my side to help me heal.
My mom was in the kitchen with Hope in her lap.
The boys quickly became acquainted with our men, and they were learning kid-appropriate fighting techniques.
Hope was skittish and scared being the youngest child my mom had.
She was two, and we didn’t have anyone else she could play with, but I could change that.
Mallory sent me pictures Serenity would draw and it was the three of us together.
She was already a part of our family, and I think it was time to make it a reality.
Healing would be easier surrounded by people I loved.
And I loved that little girl. She was the other part of my heart.
It was another reason my guilt ate me alive in captivity.
God, if I lost Caterina, I didn’t know what I would do, but I needed to be strong and think positive.
Caterina survived a car wreck; she could survive this life.
We could survive this life. Our biggest obstacle was already gone, now we just had to survive the aftermath.
I would become the wife she deserved, even if she didn’t want a badass mafia wife.
“Hi, Mama.” She looked up at me and forced a smile. I knew she was struggling with her own healing journey. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” she lied.
I frowned, walking up to her and taking her hand. “You know you don’t have to lie to me. I know you’re not okay. Hell, I’m not okay.”
“I love you, sweet girl. I’m just…I don’t know.”
“You feel trapped, huh? Like the world is caving in on you and you’re barely staying afloat?” She nodded. “I was the same way, and I can’t say it gets easier because I…” I looked at Hope. “I didn’t react well and harmed myself.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”
“You were battling your own demons. What was something you loved before we were taken?”
She brushed Hope’s hair out of her face. “Traveling, you know I had my antique collection, but I can’t do that now.”
“And why not? I have a wife who happens to have a private jet and a home in Italy.”
My mom cocked her brow. “And that’s you. Not me, Harlow.”
“It doesn’t matter. You get to have the life you always wanted. Caterina and Alexander already said you would be taken care of until you get back on your feet, and if that never happens, then you’re stuck with us.”
“I love you, my sweet girl. I’m going to be okay. And maybe we can take our first trip together? I guess we’re going to Italy now?”
I beamed. “Yep. New York is beautiful, but I think we both deserve somewhere different. I wanted to talk to you about the possibility of a granddaughter.”
My mom adjusted Hope in her arms. “Are you ready for a baby?”
“Her name is Serenity. You remember Mallory?” She nodded.
“I reunited with her again. She’s married and has this amazing life.
She has a foundation and a foster care. I met Serenity for the first time a few weeks before we left for New York, and I felt this immediate connection.
We’re going to adopt her. I’m about to inform Caterina. ”
“Well, I can’t wait to meet her. You’re going to be a great mama.”
“Hopefully. I love you. I’m going to find my wife and maybe go and get our daughter.”