6. Mila
6
MILA
I was late.
I barely left my motel room all week, opting to order in takeout and depleting what little savings I did have. And none of that fucking mattered because I was late.
My period never came.
It could be nothing. I wasn’t exactly always regular anyway. Stress could do that to you, and Lord knew I had been feeling nothing but stress all week, but somehow, I didn’t think stress was the cause of my period not coming.
My bottom lip trembled as I looked around the room. It was early afternoon. I just had breakfast—or tried to. I hadn’t had the appetite for anything.
What if I was pregnant? And how fucking bad was it that I didn’t even know who the father was? What the hell was I supposed to do now?
Tears stung my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away before they could fall. If they did, I didn’t think I could stop crying then. And I couldn’t possibly break down.
No, I had to know for sure.
I stood up from the bed and swayed slightly, feeling lightheaded from standing up too quickly and the lack of food. I held onto the bed for a quick second before getting my composure back.
I could do this. I had to because there was no other choice. And if I was pregnant, then…
I shook my head. I couldn’t bring myself to think about that right now.
I pushed through all of that and moved on autopilot. I grabbed my purse and walked outside, making sure the door was locked behind me. This motel was worse than the one I had stayed at in New Orleans. For one thing, it was in the middle of nowhere. I was surrounded by dirt and more dirt. About a mile down the road, there was some construction going on, and perhaps a decade or so from now, this place would be filled with buildings and people, but right now, it was barren.
And probably why I had been able to stay hidden for so long.
The only people I had interacted with were the people who lived here and a few people staying nearby who all looked like me—like they were running from something or someone.
I tend to keep to myself most of the time, and since I barely left my room, nothing had happened. I hoped to keep it that way.
The walk to the bus stop took longer than it should, mostly because I was tired, and the sun and humidity did nothing to help me. I swiped away the fine sheen of sweat that coated my forehead once I got to the lone pole with a bus stop sign and no seat. I squatted down on the dirt road and looked down at the line of ants crawling near my foot.
I didn’t know how long I sat there, but the rumbling of the bus engine got me out of my thoughts, and I stood up and waited for the bus to come to me.
The door opened, and I silently paid, looking around the nearly empty bus, and moved all the way to the back.
The ride back out to the nearest town took about twenty-five minutes, and with no phone to distract me, I had nothing to do but look out the window and think about my situation. I almost had myself convinced that I wasn’t pregnant by the time the bus pulled up to my stop. And then I got off and took in the bustling of people filled with life, and I nearly hyperventilated right there in the middle of the street.
I forced my legs to move to the closest drugstore, the cool air doing wonders for me as I went in. I grabbed a shopping basket and looked around for some toiletries that would last me the month. I saved the pregnancy test for last. I stood there in the aisle and just stared at all the options, not knowing which one I should choose. Fuck, but what did I know about buying a pregnancy test? What if it was too soon to tell, and I got a negative result back, only to find out later on that I was, in fact, pregnant?
I took in a deep breath and tried to push out the nonsensical tirade of thoughts bouncing in my head and grabbed three different kinds. One of them was a two-pack, so that was four pregnancy tests. The more, the better, right?
I moved to the cash register. The guy behind the counter looked to be a few years younger than me. He had mud-brown hair that fell heavily down, framing his face, adult acne on his cheeks, and bright blue eyes.
He seemed bored with his job.
“Did you find everything you need?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yup.”
I watched as he started checking out my things.
He looked like he spent most of his free time at the gym, and there was something about his eyes that seemed to harden from cynicism that made me think he’d seen too much, knew too much. He paused when he got to the pregnancy tests, looked up at me, then back down and checked them out without another word.
Was he wondering how many bad choices I must have made in my life to get to this point?
Could he see how badly I didn’t want to be pregnant?
We didn’t say anything as he bagged my things, and I paid.
I quickly grabbed them from the counter after shoving my change back into my purse and walked out of there. I was looking down at the floor and not paying attention when I bumped into someone by the door.
I nearly stumbled back, but strong arms came out and stopped me. “Sorry,” I said, looking up at clear green eyes.
The man’s eyes widened, his hands wrapped around my biceps tightened marginally. I frowned at him.
“I said I was sorry. You can let me go now.”
He let me go as if I had burned him.
I shot him a strange look and walked around him and to the door. I didn’t know what made me do it, but I turned around and looked at the man. He was looking at me, his face pale, as if he had seen a ghost. Perhaps I reminded him of someone he knew. Maybe that person died. I didn’t know, but it was still rude of him to be staring at me like this.
I glared at him, and he shifted uncomfortably on his feet, looking away from me.
I shook my head, shaking off that weird interaction.
I made my way to the bus stop and waited. I should probably look for food, but at this point, I just wanted to lie down on the bed and go to sleep for a while.
I had been more tired than usual. I could just order pizza for dinner… again.
Letting out a small sigh, I looked to the left and waited for the bus to come. I knew I couldn’t live like this forever. If I was really pregnant, I needed to think about my next step. And if I really planned on staying away from the brothers, if I decided what they had done was really unforgivable, then I needed to move on with my life and not think about them anymore.
The scary thing was, I really didn’t think I wasn’t capable of forgiving them.
They crossed the line, but the longer I stayed away from them, the more I wondered if it was so bad. And that was such a scary thought. It made me wonder what else I would forgive them for.
The bus came then, taking me out of my thoughts.
I hopped on and, like before, found a seat in the back. I sat down, and that was when I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise. I shifted and looked out the window, but nothing seemed out of place. I looked over at the drugstore I had just come out of and stopped when I noticed the man I had bumped into. He was standing in the front, his gaze directed at the bus. My skin burned. Was he looking for me?
No, that couldn’t be right. Besides, he was all the way by the drugstore, and I was on the bus. It wasn’t like he could follow me back to the motel if he decided to do so.
I shuddered from the thought just as the bus pulled forward.
I was just being paranoid. Everything would be fine.
Yet, the feeling of someone watching me never left, even as I got off the bus and looked around, seeing nothing and no one.
I quickly walked back to the motel room and locked the door behind me. I leaned back against the wooden door and waited for a beat before moving to the window and looking out.
Still nothing and no one.
Perhaps I was just being jumpy because of the pregnancy test.
And I didn’t want to wait anymore. I couldn’t. I hated not knowing. I threw the bag on my bed and shifted through it until I got the pregnancy tests out. Then, I headed to the bathroom and read the instructions on all of them.
They seemed pretty simple. Just had to pee on a stick.
I could do that.
I tried not to think about anything as I did it and laid the tests down on the sink counter. Then I washed my hands, avoiding looking at them.
What would I do if I was pregnant?
What if my child was a girl? How would I protect her when I already felt so powerless in the world?
My heart beat furiously in my chest just from the thought.
When I decided I had waited long enough for the result, I pushed off the wall I had been leaning on and walked over to the tests. My hands shook and gripped the counter. My vision went blurry as I tried to focus on the little screen.
My heart jumped at the result of the first test, and it pounded twice as hard at the result of the second. It became almost erratic on the third test, and it finally stalled when I got to the fourth and final one.
I blinked, and tears sprang to my eyes.
Fuck.
I was pregnant.
I squinted when I got out of the motel room. It was late afternoon, and the sun was still high up. Humidity and heat wrapped around my skin, making me feel like I needed a cold shower.
I ignored the sensation and locked the door behind me, breathing out a small exhale. I could have stayed in the motel room all day and all night. I probably should have, considering my state of mind at the moment, but I had been in there since I’d taken the pregnancy tests, and all it did was make me feel like the four walls were slowly closing in on me, making it hard to breathe.
At least outside, things felt a little better.
I knew a quick change in scenery didn’t resolve my problems, but at least it didn’t feel so overwhelming.
I took off to the left, walking around the cracked cemented pathway near all the motel room doors, taking in the barren surroundings of dirt and not much else. I should have picked a better place—a safer place to stay, especially now that it wasn’t just my safety I needed to worry about.
Just the thought sent a zing of panic through me, and I was suddenly very aware that a baby was growing inside of me, supposedly safe because I was protecting him or her…
How could I protect my child when I couldn’t even protect myself?
My hand pressed down on my stomach.
It didn’t look any different from how it was before I found out I was pregnant or before I was even pregnant to begin with. How the hell was I supposed to get the idea of this baby in my head when I didn’t look or feel different?
I took in a deep breath and turned the corner. If I kept turning at every corner, I would be back to my motel room in no time.
Was this what my life had resorted to?
Turning around every corner and walking around a motel building until I could get back to where I had started—back to my motel room?
And nowhere else to go.
I looked down at my feet as I walked. The cemented pathway had disappeared, leaving gravel when I turned to the side of the building. The sun didn’t hit this part, and I shivered a little from the cool air.
I thought about the brothers as I walked, and not for the first time, I wondered if I had been a little rash in running away, but then I remembered I was pregnant because no one had given me birth control, and they had all fucked me without a condom on. I was pregnant because they crossed a line.
My lips trembled at the thought, hating how indecisive I was, how angry I was, how… just everything. All these conflicting emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with.
I stopped my steps when I heard laughter just ahead of me.
Male laughter.
I looked up to see a group of three men standing at the corner I was about to turn that would lead me to the back of the building. They all had cigarettes hanging from their mouths. My nose twitched from the scent that I could smell now that I noticed it. I hesitated.
I didn’t know them. They could be nice.
Another one let out a cackle, sending shivers up and down my arms. Or they could be mean.
But that one small hesitation gave one of them the chance to look up and notice me. My heart dropped to my stomach, and I turned back around.
“Wait, where are you going, sweetheart?” the one who saw me called out. The other two laughed. I quickened my pace, which turned into a run, when I heard the gravel crunch behind me. I could see the corner just in front of me. If I could just get out from the side of the building, I might be safe.
Even I could hear the uncertainty in my thoughts.
Just as I was about to reach it, a hand grabbed onto my shoulder and pulled me back, hitting me against the wall. The man who stood in front of me was average looking and average height. There was something worn out about him as he took me in, a creepy smile on his face. I should be thankful that his two friends decided to stay behind, only to watch the spectacle with glee on their faces.
All I could think about was how I needed to get out of this situation now.
“What do you want?” I asked, trying to keep the emotions from my voice.
He smiled, revealing a row of front teeth filled with cavities. “We just wanted to hang, sweetheart.”
“Hang?”
He nodded. “Yup. Why don’t you come back with me and my friends? We have some good shit we wouldn’t mind sharing .”
His eyes roamed up and down my body as he said it, causing disgust to rise inside me.
“I’m good. Thank you.”
He grabbed a strand of my hair with one hand covered in dirt. I could see the black line beneath his fingernails. I pulled back, but he only pushed in closer to me, trapping me between the wall and his body. My heart fluttered from the panic I was trying hard to keep at bay.
“Let me go,” I said quietly.
“Ah, don’t be like that. We just want to be friends.”
“I don’t need friends.”
The smile on his face disappeared from my words, and I resisted the urge to take them back.
“What, you think you’re too good for us, is that it? Stuck-up bitch.”
I pulled up short from the venom in his voice.
“I just want to leave. Let me through.” I tried to push away from him. He didn’t budge. Crossing my arms over my chest, I glared up at the man. “Are you serious?”
“Am I serious? What’s wrong with us?”
“Move.”
“Hey, Billy. Let’s just go back and leave her be,” one of his friends called out.
At least they weren’t the same as Billy.
Billy shook his head, anger marring his face. “No, I want to know why this bitch doesn’t want to hang out with us.”
“Come on. Just leave her alone,” the other one called out, but something about his voice told me they wouldn’t really come to my aid against Billy. They were just going to stand there and watch.
Billy shook his head. “No, I want to have my fun.”
It took me a moment to realize Billy’s pupils were dilated in his brown eyes. He was either drunk or high and decided I was going to be his target.
I swallowed down the fear, blood roaring in my ears and making it hard to hear anything around me or what Billy and his friends were talking about.
They said something else to him, causing him to turn away from me briefly.
I didn’t think. I pulled my fist back and punched him in the throat.
He hadn’t expected that, pulling away from me and choking a little as he covered his throat with his hand. I didn’t wait. I ran out of there quickly, pulling the motel key out of my pocket as I went. My hands shook when I got to my motel room, and I tried to insert the key in the lock.
A raged shout sounded out, nearly causing me to drop the key.
I cried out in relief when I finally got my door open and slammed it shut behind me, locking it.
I leaned against the door and took in the room, trying to get my breathing under control.
My legs gave out beneath me, and I slipped down to the floor, sitting on the cold and dirty ground. Something wet hit my palm, and it took a moment to realize it was my tears.
I was crying.
I took in a shaky breath as more tears fell.
How could I not know how completely useless I actually was out in the real world? And to think I had been so full of optimism arriving in New Orleans for the first time.
Now…
What the hell was I supposed to do?