Chapter 8
Chapter eight
Hudson
I’ve been home from the hospital for about a week, and I still feel like I’m stuck in that dream-like limbo.
Some days I feel like I’m turning a corner. I laugh, feel more like myself again, and on those days, I can actually see a future. Other days, it feels like I’m being dragged back under, like I’m still drowning.
It’s frustrating, which is probably why I’ve been pissed off more than anything else lately.
The psychologist I’ve been talking to says I need to give myself grace. She says that healing looks different for everyone, and that I can’t expect to wake up one day and just be okay. She said the important part is wanting to heal.
And I do.
I’ve realized that when I can laugh, I feel good. That life isn’t just the darkness. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still creep up, or that I don’t fall into my old habits of self-loathing, but I’m slowly accepting that it can get better—does get better.
And part of getting better is taking responsibility for my actions, which is why I’m driving to Cullen’s house to apologize for my outburst the other day.
He was gone when Ella and I came back from picking up lunch, but since I was still in a lousy mood, I didn’t bother trying to call him. One day bled into the next, and before I knew it, too many days had passed without hearing from him.
He’s respected my need for space, but his silence is unusual. I’m used to his persistence, to him insisting that I can’t pull away and that he’ll always be there.
Now I’m worried he’s finally giving up on me.
I wouldn’t blame him if he needs to. If I were him, I’d be done with me, too.
My spine prickles, and my fingers tingle. I inhale deeply, counting to ten before releasing, some of the anxiety receding.
I can’t let myself believe it’s over before I’ve even had the chance to talk to him. I tried to push him away before, and that just shoved me further into a deep, dark hole.
I’m really trying my best to claw my way out of it, even if my fingers are bleeding.
I pull into his driveway and take a deep, steadying breath, working through the breathing exercise my therapist taught me. I keep it going all the way up his front porch, and as I ring the doorbell.
Calm washes over me once the door opens and I see Cull standing on the other side.
“Hud? What are you doing here?”
“I was hoping we could talk?” I ask, pushing my hand into my pocket to hide the tremor.
His face is neutral, but I catch the way his Adam’s apple bobs.
“I should have called… if this is a bad time, I can come back or—”
That seems to snap him out of it. “Oh. No. Now’s good.” He steps aside and lets me in.
We stand in his foyer, awkward and silent, and I realize how much I hate this. Not just the quiet or the distance, but what it might mean.
I look at him, and for the first time in a long time, my head isn’t spinning or bogged down by dark thoughts.
It’s clear.
I love him.
I almost left him.
I say a quick prayer that I haven’t screwed us up to the point he’s ready to walk away. And if he is, I need to figure out how to fix it.
“How have you been?” The question is weak and superficial, but fuck… I’m nervous, too.
He scoffs, rolls his eyes, and then turns to walk up the stairs. “Just get to the point, Hudson. No need for small talk,” he throws over his shoulder.
I follow behind him, trying to find the right words.
When we get to his room, I step inside and sit in the desk chair while he sits on the edge of the bed, offering me only his side profile.
“Cull, I’m sorry. I don’t think I need to state the obvious, but… things have been difficult.”
“Yeah, no shit,” he laughs, shaking his head. It’s dark and hollow and so unlike Cull.
My stomach knots, and I start another breathing exercise. When I feel steady again, I get up and sit beside him on the bed. I grab his hand and pull it into my lap.
“I don’t think I told you thank you.”
He looks at me, surprise flickering in the green depths of his eyes.
“Thank you for never giving up on me. I’ve spent so much of my life worried about being a burden that I inadvertently made myself one.
” He opens his mouth to argue, but I stop him with a small shake of my head.
“I took for granted that you’d always fight for me.
You’ve been my light through everything, but I let you carry that weight alone.
I kept telling you that you shouldn’t have to, but then I made sure you did. ”
I glance down at our hands and give him a gentle squeeze.
“This past week, I’ve realized I have to want to keep going for me first. But when I can’t… I need to learn to lean on you without you having to carry my entire weight.”
He squeezes my hand back, but his posture stays rigid.
“I know you’re mad that I kept shutting you out,” I say quietly. “And I get it now. That just put more pressure on you. I can’t promise I’ll magically turn everything around, but I need you to know I’m learning, and I want to try.”
“Hud…” He swallows, gaze drifting to our hands.
“I’d never hold it against you. I know you were doing the best you could, but honestly?
I don’t know how to keep being the person you lean on.
It’s like… all I’ve ever done is talk at you.
Tell you what I think you should feel or do because I thought it would help.
But somewhere deep down, I wonder if I helped push you to that bridge. ”
My hand roams to his neck, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
“Listen to me, Cull. The only thing that pushed me to that bridge was myself. I made that choice. Not because of anything you or anyone else did or didn’t do. I let my mind get too loud, and instead of fighting, I gave in.”
I lean my forehead against his. “I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper. “I never did. At the time, it felt like the only way to fix everything. All I could think about was giving you the life I thought you deserved, but I ended up denying myself the one I needed.”
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers back. Then he kisses me gently. Reverently.
I pull back from the kiss but keep our foreheads pressed together. “I’m sorry for how I acted the other day. I was pissed about the letter… and maybe a little insecure when I saw you and Hadley holding hands. Sometimes it’s easier to push you away than face my fears.”
He sits up straighter, eyebrows lifting in surprise.
I think for a moment before I explain. “It was the first time I’d seen you two together since you broke up. It felt like a gut punch. It just reminded me of a time when being with you was nothing more than a pipe dream.”
A wicked look comes over Cullen’s face as he slowly pushes me back onto the bed, hovering above me. That sexy smirk I’ve missed so much lights up his face, his lopsided dimple popping on his cheek. “Then maybe I should reacquaint you with that pipe you used to dream about.”
I snort. “The cheesy dick jokes aren’t going anywhere, are they?”
He grins wide. “Even when we’re old with saggy balls, I’ll still be making dick jokes." He shrugs. "It’s a personality trait.”
I stare into his green eyes, a lifetime flashing in them. “We’re going to grow old together,” I say softly—confidently.
“Yeah, Hud. We are.”
Then he kisses me like I’m the air he needs to survive. His mouth trails down my jaw, lips skimming across my skin to my neck. His hands slip under my shirt, gripping my hips like he’s attaching himself to me. His fingers scorch my skin, but it’s the kind of fire I’d gladly burn in forever.
“I need you, baby,” he rasps into my neck.
His evergreen scent fills my nose, sealing some of the cracks I created in my heart.
“Take me.”
His mouth latches onto my skin, the throb on my neck letting me know it’ll bruise. It sends a jolt straight to my dick, bringing it to life for the first time in weeks. I’m already panting, cock hard and aching for his touch.
His chest brushes against my injured arm, reality slamming back in for a moment.
“Cull, I hate to kill the vibe, but it’s a process getting undressed with this sling.”
“Oh, shit. I forgot all about your arm. Are you okay with this? We can hold off if you want.” He fires off questions one right after another, his face full of concern.
I yank him down to my lips with my good arm. “If you’re not inside me in the next five minutes, I’m going to self-combust,” I growl.
He smirks again, helping me sit up. Carefully, he removes my sling, then my button-up shirt. He helps me back into the sling and starts kissing a path down my stomach. I clench my muscles, the feather-soft sensation both familiar and foreign.
It feels like a lifetime since I’ve had Cullen’s lips on my body. The thought that I almost left this behind hits me like a wrecking ball, but I don’t allow it to take root.
I’m working on staying in the light. And that’s what Cull is—my light.
Cullen pops the button on my shorts and drags them down my thighs. He takes my boxers with them, my cock springing free in front of his face.
“Hello, old friend,” he croons, then licks a searing wet line up the underside of my length.
I gasp and laugh at the same time. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Undeniably.”
He takes me deep, all the way to the back of his throat, gagging when his nose brushes my pelvis.
“Damn, I missed this,” I admit, threading my fingers through his dark hair. I tug lightly as he teases me, bobbing up and down, and swirling his tongue around my tip.
It feels so good.
“Please don’t drag this out,” I pant. “I’m already two seconds from coming, and I need to feel you inside me.”
Cull pops off my cock, his chin glistening with spit.
“I love needy Hudson,” he says with a grin, reaching over to his nightstand. He grabs a bottle of lube, pops the lid, and squirts some into his palm. He presses my knee to my chest and swipes the cool liquid over my opening, wasting no time pushing two slick fingers inside me.
My eyes nearly cross from the stretch.
It’s fucking amazing.
“Your ass always takes my fingers so well,” he says with a smile, slowly pumping them in and out. “Since you’re in a hurry, here’s a third.”
The burn flares through me, only sharpening my need for Cull. I try to stay patient, but it’s impossible, and I find myself grinding down on his fingers as they crook deep inside me.
“Please get naked,” I beg.
Cull huffs a laugh as he gently slips his fingers out before stripping down. He kneels on the bed, tugging on his hard cock and coating it with the leftover lube.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, chest flushed and face full of love. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Blue balls are going to hurt worse than my arm if you don’t start making some moves here soon,” I whine.
He chuckles, then leans over me. “Legs around my waist,” he whispers against my lips.
I obey, wrapping my legs around his solid hips. I lean up on my good arm and steal his mouth with mine. He kisses me like he’s been starving for it, lining himself up with my entrance.
“I love you,” he whispers, then pushes forward, breaching my rim. My moan is obscene and nearly echoes off the walls.
Cull pushes and pulls steadily until he’s fully seated, the bed creaking beneath us with every careful movement. He gives me a second to adjust, lying over me like a weighted blanket, warm and solid without putting pressure on my arm.
He nestles his face into the crook of my neck, his breath brushing against my skin before he leaves soft kisses every few inches. The touch sends a slow warmth through my chest, goosebumps prickling my skin.
I curl my good arm around his back, fingers digging into his muscle, and encourage him to move.
He doesn’t hold back.
Cull pistons his hips relentlessly, and with every thrust, he punches the air from my lungs.
“Yes, babe. Take my ass… It’s yours,” I moan.
Cullen nips at my ear, his heavy breaths fogging up my brain. “I’m already close, baby. It’s been too long,” he groans.
He sits up, grabbing my hip while curling his other hand around my leaking cock, jacking me in rhythm with his thrusts.
I wish I could say I held out, but Cull leans back just slightly, hitting that perfect spot right as he twists his wrist around the head of my cock.
The combo is too much. I explode without warning, the orgasm tearing through me before I can even speak. A guttural moan rips from my chest, vibrating through my entire body.
“Hell yes, Hud, come for me,” he pants, sweat dripping from his brow.
My body is spent but humming with satisfaction while Cull’s thrusts become stuttered and frantic. He grabs my legs from around his waist and pushes them up to my chest, using them as leverage while he chases his release.
“Fill my ass, babe. I want to feel you drip out of me,” I plead, still breathing hard and taking everything he has to give.
“Damn, I love your filthy mouth.” He slams into me with one final thrust and erupts, his orgasm stealing his breath. Heat floods me as he comes, the feeling of complete connectedness lighting another spark inside of me.
Cullen finally slows to a stop, panting hard, sweat dripping onto my stomach. He carefully pulls out of my body and collapses beside me on the bed. He grabs my hand, links our fingers together, and brings them to his mouth for a kiss.
“Is your arm okay?” he asks, his heavy pants blanketing the room.
I turn slightly so I can rest my head on his chest. “Arm is fine. Ass is fine. My man is fine.”
He laughs a booming, belly-deep sound that makes me smile. He kisses the top of my head, then wraps his arm around me, holding me close.
After a moment, his laughter fades, and he squeezes me just a little tighter. “I’m thankful you’re still here, Hud,” he whispers.
I entwine our legs, wanting to knot our bodies together like we’re actually one and kiss his chest.
“Me too.”