Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Cullen
“What the fuck are we doing here?” My heart is racing faster than the current in the river just ahead of us.
“Trust me, Cull. We need this.” He comes to a creeping stop in his usual spot on the bluff, the water glinting in the afternoon sunlight. I notice the tremble in his hands before he draws in a steadying breath.
“You’re not okay, babe. Whatever this is,” Hud says, his hand gesturing to my shaking body. “It’s scaring your parents. It scares me.”
I’m trying not to hyperventilate, but everything feels like it’s closing in. I can see the tire tracks where the Ambulance drove, footsteps still imprinted in the ground from the police officers. I can still hear my scream as Hudson jumped, the feeling of the cold water as I followed in after.
It’s too much.
I need out.
“Take me home, Hudson,” I grit out, my jaw clenched so tight I could crack my molars.
He turns in his seat, cupping my cheeks. “Do you remember the day you found me in bed during one of my episodes?”
I manage an imperceptible nod.
“You took charge. You knew what I needed when I didn’t even know myself. You were understanding without really knowing the depth of what your actions meant. You pulled me out of that darkness just by knowing I needed a small push.”
I see where this is going, and it’s not the same situation. My head frantically shakes back and forth in Hudson’s grip, telling him no the only way I can right now.
“Yes, Cull. This is your push.”
He kisses my cheek, then opens his door, climbing out of the car.
“Goddamnit!” I snarl, my emotions flipping on a dime. I slam the door and chase after him. He’s already at the bridge, climbing over the rusted guard railing like it’s nothing. Like that night never happened.
My pulse spikes. “Hudson, get the fuck back here!”
He turns, walking backwards so he can see me. “We need this, Cull.”
“Need and want are two different things. I don’t want to be here!”
Hudson ignores me as he comes to a stop in that spot. The same spot where we kissed for the first time and confessed our feelings. Where he—
I can’t even finish the thought. I can already feel the sting of bile as it rises in my throat. I swallow it down, the burn still left behind.
Hud leans his elbows against the railing, his face turned up towards the sun. He looks peaceful. Content.
Everything I’m not right now.
“I thought I had made peace with everything in my life the last time I was here, but Maria helped me see I need peace with this place, too. It holds so many good memories, and I don’t want them overshadowed by what I did.”
My gaze cuts over to Hudson’s Bronco, a happier memory trying to break through, but it’s erased by the vision of an ambulance.
I shake my head, trying to clear it.
When I look back, Hudson has his hand outstretched towards me. My steps are tentative, but once I reach him, he pulls me close. He leans his forehead against mine and whispers, “Let it out. I can take it.”
My head rears back, floored by his request. But what surprises me more is the flow of words that rush to the surface.
No. No, no, no. I can’t do this to Hudson. I can’t… I—
“I can’t fucking be here!” I bellow, the words echoing off the pine trees. Hud takes a step back from me, not a hint of surprise on his face. He nods his head, encouraging me to keep going.
The dam breaks.
“This place is nothing but ghosts, Hudson.
All I see is you going into that water. Over and over, day and night.
The second I close my eyes, I'm right back there. I hear the paramedic say you don’t have a heartbeat.
I hear the whir of the ventilator, the beeping of the heart monitor. I remember how blue your lips were…
I’m breathing hard, shaking, and the next thing out of my mouth is something I never wanted to accuse him of.
“You wanted to leave me, Hud!” I grab my hair and start pacing, my voice cracking under the weight.
“When you tried to break up with me, that was my warning. And I ignored it. But I knew when you walked out my door that you weren’t coming back, and I didn’t stop you.
I just felt it, because that’s how rooted you are in my soul.
My dad should have seen the signs. Your parents—” My breathing is labored, my heart shattering over the truths I can’t keep buried anymore.
“I knew you were going to do it, and I didn’t stop you! ”
I feel my heart break all over again. “I should have stopped you…”
Hudson walks over and gently pulls my hands from my hair. I look into his eyes—the blue I always get lost in—and the one thing I swore I’d never tell Hud comes bubbling to the surface.
“I’m so fucking mad at you,” I rasp out, a tear sliding down my cheek.
“I know,” he says softly.
Hud wraps his arms around me, and I crumble.
“I’m so mad at you.” I sob into his neck, my fists grasping the back of his shirt while I try to catch my breath, the pain in my knuckles nothing compared to what’s tearing through my chest. “You promised you’d talk to me.
Y-you tried to push me away.” His arms tighten around me, strength radiating from him.
“I’m angry with myself because I couldn’t protect you, and I’m so damn sorry I let you walk away from me. This was my fault. It’s all my fault…”
My knees give out, and Hudson goes down with me, taking my weight and easing us to the wooden planks. He lets me fall apart, holding strong, never faltering. He’s carrying my pain, just like I’ve always tried to do for him.
“There is no one to blame, Cull. I am not your responsibility,” he murmurs in my ear.
I pull my face away from his neck, my mouth opening to argue.
Hud puts a finger to my lips, halting my words.
“The only responsibility you have is to love me, respect me. Yeah, there will be times I need support. But even then, I’m the one who has to choose to get better.
Whatever happens with my mental health is not on you.
” He uses his thumb to wipe beneath my eyes and presses a kiss to my temple.
“I feel so guilty, Hud. Like I let you down.” I can’t stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks, the overflow of emotion needing the release.
“I know you say you’re not my responsibility, but if I can’t make you happy, if I can’t keep you safe, then what purpose do I serve in this relationship?
” I exhale, my next words coming out broken.
“If I can’t do that, then you don’t need me. ”
“Oh, babe…” his forehead meets mine, slick with sweat from the afternoon heat.
“First and foremost, you are my best friend. That’s what we were first, and it will always be the foundation of this relationship.
I need that friendship. It’s so important to me.
” His hands rub up and down my back, his warm breath feathering across my lips.
“I need your goodnight texts and your strong hugs. I thrive on your fierce loyalty. Your smiles light me up. I even need your dick jokes.”
I snort, a small smile tugging on my lips.
“I need you, Cull. I will always need you.”
I sit back on my butt, my emotions wrung dry. May as well bare the rest of my soul while we are here. “There is something I need to tell you about what happened in therapy and what happened after.”
“I’m listening,” he tells me, his hands around my waist. He waits patiently while I find the balls to admit what I need to.
“Um… I crashed out on Maria. Well, not on her exactly, but I made myself look like a jackass nonetheless.”
“You wouldn’t be the first one,” he admits, his smile sheepish. “But we can talk about that later. Finish what you need to say.”
I give him a soft kiss, then finish my thought.
“After that happened, I stormed out. My stomach was so fucked from what we were talking about that I hurled everywhere. I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, and when I got into the car, my steering wheel took the brunt of it.
” My hand flexes on reflex, the pain a reminder that I actually need to get my anger under control.
The ache grounds me, though, as I gear up to admit the scariest thing I’ve ever thought about. “For a split second, I—” My tears have surged, my chest clenching in fear.
“For a split second, what?” Hud is calm, stable. His voice is soft and even, his hands reassuring as he holds me.
I close my eyes because I’m not brave enough to look at Hudson when I admit this. “For a split second… I could understand why you wanted the pain to stop. Needed it to stop.”
Hudson tenses, his arms like a vice around me.
“It was such a fast thought,” I hurry on to say. “But it scared me. I-I’ve never… would never.”
“That’s how mine started,” he whispers, voice cracking.
Now I'm the one tensing.
His sad eyes meet mine, the first time I’ve seen that look in weeks. “It started small, a flicker. Like, maybe if I could just disappear for a little while, then everything would be okay. Then it turned into, if I disappear, then I still have to come back to reality, and it morphed from there.”
My body goes cold, the sound of the blood rushing in my ears deafening.
Hudson’s eyes widen with concern. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. Cullen, babe, look at me.”
I don’t realize I’m shaking until Hudson’s arms and legs lock around me in a koala hug. Hearing how he got to the point of suicide has freaked me out, and now I’m worried I really am fucked up.
“You’re not fucked up,” Hud chastises.
Did I say that out loud?
“What’s w-wrong with me, Hud? Why can’t I move on? W-why can’t I—” My chest seizes, and suddenly I can’t take a proper breath.
Hudson’s hand comes up to the back of my neck and squeezes. “Try to breathe with me.” His voice is low and calm. He massages the muscles at the base of my skull, his other hand rubbing the base of my spine.
“I-I c-can’t breathe.”
“I know. You’re having a panic attack.”
I bury my nose in Hudson’s neck, inhaling as best I can. His smoky sweet scent is faint, mixed with sweat, but it slowly eases the frantic rhythm in my chest.