Chapter 26
Chapter twenty-six
Cullen
Therapy sucks.
But even I have to admit that I feel a little better after two sessions with Maria. Today is Hud and my first joint session, and I’m oddly not nervous.
Maybe it’s because I’ve finally realized how much this helps.
Maria says explosions like the one I had are very common and that it was a manifestation of all my suppressed trauma. She accepted my apology and reminded me that she’s there for the good, bad, and the ugly.
I see why Hud holds her in such high regard, and now I do too.
Hud and I are sitting in Maria’s waiting room, killing time before our appointment.
His knee won’t stop bouncing and he’s chewing his fingernails raw.
He told me the other day that there was something he needed to talk to me about, but wanted to do it here.
When I tried to probe, he said it was best we wait.
“Are you gentlemen ready?” Maria pokes her head out of the door leading to the hallway, her smile bright.
Hud exhales and smiles, taking my hand and leading us behind Maria to her office.
She closes the door and waits for us to sit. I’ve adopted Hudson’s seat on the floor, and he was right, it really does help. I glance at him, surprised when he takes the couch.
“Different approach for these appointments,” he says, patting the cushion next to him. I sit and get comfortable, taking his hand in mine.
“Okay, so you’ve individually talked about what you’d like to accomplish in these appointments, and I think you both are aligned, am I correct?” Maria asks, getting comfortable in her chair with her notepad.
Hud and I share a look, then nod at the same time.
“Alright then, what do you want to start with? I’d like for you two to lead these appointments, and I’ll interject when I think it’s necessary.”
“Hudson told me there was something he wanted to talk about, but specifically wanted to wait until we were here,” I tell Maria.
“Then let’s start with you, Hudson.”
He squeezes my hand and angles towards me. “The reason I wanted to do this here with Maria was in case you get angry.”
Well, that doesn’t sit well with me, but this is all about working through our issues and growth. So I pull up my big boy pants and take a deep breath. “I’ll do my best to stay calm.”
Hud glances at Maria before steeling his spine, his hand firm in mine. “Mason is out of jail on bail.”
My breath hitches, my pulse spiking. I close my eyes and count to ten, trying like hell to remain calm. Hud’s thumbs are rubbing circles over my hands, so I use that to recenter myself.
“Okay,” I say, though the word comes out tight.
“He didn’t kill Ella. They compared the fingerprints they found. He wasn’t a match.”
My knee bounces, my gaze drifting to the sunlit window. “So he was able to post bail because the murder charges were dropped,” I state, trying to come to terms with another setback.
“There’s more,” Hud adds softly. His grip on my hands tightens, and I don’t know if he’s trying to keep me calm or anchor himself.
“I need you to listen and not fly off the handle. Can you do that?”
Great. I’m really not going to like this.
I look at Maria, who is watching us closely. She sees my unease and reassures me that she’s here for us both.
“Hear him out, and try to work through your feelings first before reacting,” she urges.
I blow out a heavy breath, my focus going back to Hudson.
He exhales, too, then clears his throat. “Mason isn’t my stalker.”
My heart drops, then that familiar anger starts to creep up through my chest. “What?” I bite out, trying to keep cool.
Hud walks me through what happened after his appointment—everything Mason said, every excuse, and explains why he believes him.
I’m not buying it.
“No way Hud. You are just going to believe him?” My disbelief is palpable in this small room.
“Think about it, babe,” he implores. “How did he get into school without anyone noticing him? He looks like a walking skeleton. Someone would have reported him lurking on campus. Not to mention, he is one swift wind from falling over, so there is no way he could have overpowered you when you were attacked.”
What he says makes sense, but I’m having a hard time separating what may be obvious from what I really wish were true.
Then Hud says something that I just can’t ignore. “If he were my stalker, he would have tried something when he ran into me. He has ghosts, Cull, but they aren’t because of me.”
I deflate and fall back into the couch, a tear slipping down my cheek.
“What are you feeling right now, Cullen?” Maria asks, trying to gauge where my head is at.
“I just want Hudson safe. For this to be over. It feels like a never-ending tunnel.”
“I’m sure it feels daunting, especially with so many uncertainties in front of you.”
“Yeah,” I rasp. Maria hits the nail on the head, like usual.
“I think we should go down to the police station today and drop the charges against him.” Hud uses his knuckle to swipe the tear clinging to my chin.
I study his face, and for the first time since all this mess has begun, I can truly see how much he’s changed. He’s never been weak, but there’s something steadier about him now.
He’s still Hud, but better. Healthier.
Time for me to rise to the occasion, too.
“Okay.”
Hud pulls me into a hug, his exhale tickling the hair on the back of my neck. I sniffle and pull away.
“I believe there is one more thing Hudson would like to talk about while you’re both here.”
Maria tilts her head at Hud, and he takes my hands again.
“You’ve been hiding something, and I think it’s burdening you. It’s why you had that panic attack that day at Mason’s.”
My breathing picks up and I feel my fingers start to go numb. I never wanted Hudson to know how low I stooped in the name of keeping him safe. How stupid that decision was and what it could still cost me.
“Use your counts, Cullen,” Maria reminds me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and count back from ten, taking and releasing a deep breath on every other number.
When I’ve reached one, I feel more in control.
“How did you find out?” I ask Hud, nervous to know the answer.
“Mason was picking on you for your shitty aim.” His lopsided smile takes me off guard.
“I um…” Nervously, I look at Maria.
“Everything stays within these walls, Cullen. I’m not bound to report anything that isn’t an imminent danger to you or others.”
“My intentions weren’t good, though,” I admit.
“Is it something you want to attempt again?” she asks.
“Hell no. It’s been tearing me up for weeks.”
“If Mason hasn’t reported it and doesn’t plan to, there’s no reason to keep dwelling.”
An immediate weight lifts from my shoulders and I take the deepest breath I’ve taken in months.
There is still so much left that we don’t know, and with our only suspect out of the picture, we have to keep watching our backs.
But, for now, I’m going to take Maria’s advice and move on. If Hudson can overcome what he’s been through, then there is no reason I can’t either.