Chapter 16
Ihad never seen Zack appear so exhausted or sickly before. He looked as if the world had beaten the shit out of him and left him in an alley to die alone.
That was actually kind of what had happened.
Mick said, “I’m going to step out and call the label, so I’ll talk to him after.”
As he walked down the hall, Cy said, “You guys can go first.”
He had the right idea—after all, Braden and I were his oldest friends, but I thought it would be selfish and rude to say so out loud.
Instead, I said, “Thanks,” and we headed to the room down the sterile hall.
Sterile, yes, but it felt crowded. The nurses’ station was huge, taking up much of the space, and they could have kept an eye on us as we walked toward Zack’s room, but they were all absorbed in either a phone call or one of the many computers that lined the back wall.
Along the hall there were carts and various equipment, making me wonder if it always felt like there wasn’t enough space.
When Braden and I pushed open the door that was cracked open, we walked softly inside.
Rarely had I ever seen a hospital room, so I tried not to be judgmental about how stark it seemed.
There was a generic painting on the wall beside the bed and a TV across, and there were so many machines with wires and tubes hooked up to Zack, making him look almost like a dying cyborg.
I detected the faint scent of rubbing alcohol and something else that signaled sterility, making me feel like I was bringing in the filth of the world into this sanitized space.
The curtains on the window were open but it was overcast and, even though snow wasn’t in the forecast, I wondered if Mother Nature planned to surprise the meteorologists.
As we approached the bed, his eyes were closed, but I didn’t know if he was sleeping. I whispered to Braden, “Maybe we should wait until he’s awake.”
But, at the sound of my muted voice, Zack’s eyelids fluttered.
“Hey.” His voice sounded weak and a little raspy.
Oh, Zack. If I could have, I would have held him in my arms, trying to soak up the pain and torment he’d inflicted upon himself.
I knew, though, that Zack didn’t want to share any of it with anyone.
He wanted to face it all alone, take up the mantle of guilt and blame without any help…
and I was convinced that was a huge part of the reason why he was suffering.
“How are you feelin’, dude?” Braden asked as we took the last few steps to the edge of the bed.
Despite how he obviously felt, Zack cracked a slight smile. “Fan-fuckin’-tastic. Ready to play another show tonight.”
I felt a little relief that he was feeling good enough to be a smart ass, but I also wondered if he was trying to deflect what was really going on.
I’d seen Zack avoid enough during our relationship to know he was good at it—and I wondered if he was trying to evade what we saw or if he was attempting to hide the truth from himself.
Possibly both.
I knew then that it would be up to us to force the truth—as gently as possible. “Seriously, though,” I said softly.
“Seriously…I feel like shit warmed over. Like somebody took a baseball bat to me and didn’t stop until I was flat as a pancake.”
“Can we get you anything?” Braden asked.
“No…I think I probably need to sleep.”
“Oh,” I said. Maybe our Come to Jesus talk would have to wait. “We can go.”
“No, don’t.” Zack took a long deep breath as if it hurt.
“I’ve mostly been by myself and it sucks.
The only time I’ve seen someone is when they’re poking me.
And they finally turned the beeping off on this goddamned machine I’m hooked up to.
I’ll sleep at some point, but it…feels good to see you guys. ”
That was all it took for the dam inside me to burst, and the tears started gushing out of my face.
“I thought we lost you.” I buried my face in my hands, ashamed of myself for not keeping my shit together like I’d promised.
Zack didn’t need this show of emotion…it wouldn’t help him heal at all.
All I’d be doing would be to stress him out.
Braden wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close and I sobbed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose it.”
Zack said, “It’s okay.”
I lifted my head, swiping at my cheeks, realizing part of why I was struggling to control myself was because I hadn’t really had any sleep in over twenty-four hours. “You…”
“I don’t remember what happened.”
“What do you remember?” Braden asked.
“Just…” Zack blew out a slow breath, moving a little in the bed as if trying to sit up before realizing it was too much effort. “I was partying with a girl named—shit. I can’t remember her name. We went up to the room…and that’s all I can remember.”
Keeping my voice as steady as possible, I asked, “Do you…remember doing heroin?”
“No. That was the plan, but…”
Braden said, “How much do you wanna know?”
“All of it.”
Quietly, Braden told him about what we suspected he’d taken and I interjected on occasion, talking about the girl hunting me down and running off—and, when I was unable to speak anymore, Braden took over again. When he finished, he said, “That’s why you feel like shit.”
Zack blinked his eyes a few times, and I wondered if he was feeling sleepy again. But he said, “Sorry I…just…sorry.”
“We’re just glad you pulled through, dude. Maybe you don’t know it, but we all fucking love you. I don’t know what we’d do without you.” Braden managed to take the words out of my mouth.
“I guess I owe you guys thanks for saving me.”
“You would have done the same thing for us.”
Zack nodded—because he knew it was true. We were family—we were appendages of the same goddamned body, and we wouldn’t be whole if one of us were gone.
“Anyway, I’m gonna head out and send Cy in to say hi while I call your mom.”
“No,” Zack said with more force than we’d heard from him since coming in the room.
“What?”
“Don’t call her.”
“We gotta tell your mom, dude.”
“No, we don’t. We’re gonna be home…soon.
I don’t want her to worry. She’s still having a hard time dealing with losing my grandpa.
I don’t want to burden her with this shit too.
” To Braden’s raised eyebrows, Zack said, “I’ll tell her when we get home.
I’m…out of the woods, right? Or is there something you guys aren’t telling me? ”
“No,” I said, “you’re over the worst of it. But your mom should be told so she can decide what she wants to do.”
“No,” Zack said, again angrier and louder.
“Okay, okay,” Braden said. “We won’t call her. But you gotta promise to have an honest conversation with her when we get back.”
“I said I would.”
“While we’re on the subject…” I started, struggling for the right words.
“If you’re saying what I think you are, you don’t have to,” Zack said, reading my mind.
Was it the way I’d said it or was it the look on my face that gave away my intent?
“I’ll go to rehab, okay? I know this shit’s out of control, so I will.
But it’s gonna have to wait till after the tour.
I don’t want this shit fucking anything up. ”
Braden said, “Mick’s talking with the label. You might not have a choice.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” Zack said. “It’s my life. It’s my decision. And we’ve already got all those dates lined up.”
“Your health is more important.”
“I want to talk to Mick right this fucking second.” Oh, God…
Zack’s face had grown more pale since we’d arrived and we were zapping what little strength he had, thanks to all the emotional crap we should have avoided talking about until later.
He looked like he was going to pass out from the exertion.
A nurse pushed the door open, making a beeline for Zack so that Braden and I had to take several steps back. “I think you both need to leave,” she said, glaring at us before turning back to her patient. “I don’t like how your blood pressure and heart rate have gone up.”
Jesus…that was because of us.
“Okay,” Braden said. “We’ll see you later.”
All I could do was shoot Zack a glance, hoping he could read my mind…that I loved him and wanted him to fully recover—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally so he wouldn’t feel the need to bury and mask his pain anymore.
“Don’t call my mom,” Zack said again as we walked out.
“I won’t.”
When we got back to the waiting room down the hall, Mick and Cy were talking. Braden told Mick how Zack had vehemently insisted that he not call his mother. Mick snorted. “Okay, then I’ll call her so you don’t have to lie about it.”
“I think you need to talk to Zack,” I said to Mick. “He’s worried about the label canceling the tour—and maybe you need to hear his arguments about not telling his mom. He wants to be the one to do it.”
“Well, they are ready to cancel—and I asked ‘em to hold off. I need to talk to Zack before I give the label my opinion.”
“Good luck. The nurse kicked us out,” Braden said.
“I’ll go work my charms,” Mick said lightly, but there was no smile on his face. “Cy, did you want to see him?”
“No.”
Oh. I hadn’t sensed that before, but the energy coming from Cy felt angry.
And I could understand why—it was probably because of the news that our tour might get cut short thanks to Zack’s rock star antics.
It was all the more frustrating because we’d tried to convince him to get help before.
I couldn’t blame Cy for feeling that way, but I hoped he could also make room in his heart for a little compassion and forgiveness.
Mick turned to Braden and me. “Either of you want to come with?”
Braden said, “I better not. I’m the reason why we got kicked out.”
“Dani?”
I wasn’t about to turn down another opportunity to be with Zack—not when we’d come so close to losing him.