Chapter 23 #2
More than playing for the crowd, however, I was eager to spend time with my best friend Roxy, a woman who was beginning to feel like a sister.
We texted often and talked on the phone once in a while, but it wasn’t like being in the same room.
And I got to see the new purple streaks in her dark locks, a look that became her signature after that point.
As always, we hung out in her cheap hotel room after the evening’s festivities finished up.
This time, though, I didn’t want beer or anything harder.
I stuck with Sprite and called it good. Roxy teased me, asking if I was pregnant, but she understood how being around an alcoholic could dampen one’s enthusiasm for imbibing.
I told her right off the bat that I was quitting the band.
“Holy shit. Dani…is this, like, on the record?”
Oh, yeah. How could I forget my friend was a rock reporter? I let out a long breath. “Um…not yet. I imagine the label will want to have a say in it—like maybe announcing it after we—they—get a new drummer.”
“Would you be okay if I hinted at it? Like…” she paused, looking up at the ceiling before continuing.
“Like if I said something like Sources close to the band say that one of them is planning to exit at the end of this tour. Would that be vague enough that I could leak it? I wouldn’t have to give a source if I worded it that way and no one would know you’re the one leaving—or even that you’re where I got the information. ”
“But wouldn’t people figure it out? Because we’re friends?”
“They can speculate all they want, but I don’t have to give out my confidential sources. And, when it becomes public, I’ll have bragging rights because I broke it first.”
I wondered if anyone associated with us would feel any heat from the news leaking that way—and then figured it would be fine. “Yeah, okay.”
“Now—as your friend and only your friend—tell me why. What happened that made you decide to leave?”
So I told her about my talks with Zack, how he’d become increasingly cold and rude. I’d overplayed my hand, hoping to get him to agree to go back to rehab—but, even though I hadn’t accomplished what I’d intended, I wasn’t going back on my threat. I knew deep in my gut that I had to stand my ground.
“Well,” Roxy said, getting up to grab another can of beer out of the mini fridge, “with you guys’ history, I get it. You have to protect yourself.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s a big part of it.”
“And that doesn’t mean you need to quit music. Once it’s public, I can throw your name out there to other bands who need a drummer.”
I hadn’t thought that far—but I did know without a shadow of a doubt that I’d grown to love my job. It would be really weird being away from my friends…but a girl had to make a living. “That’d be cool. Thanks.”
And, before my brain went there—to how weird it would be likely touring with a majority of guys away from my soon-to-be husband—Roxy opened up the subject. “So tell me about your wedding. Have you guys set a date yet?”
“Yeah. In April. And my mom’s doing almost all the planning. She calls or texts when there’s something we need to weigh in on.” I didn’t tell my friend that I was letting Braden make most of the decisions.
Roxy plopped back on the chair where she’d been sitting. “Lucky you.” She took a long swig and then said, “I gotta ask. Maybe it’s the reporter in me—and I swear this will stay between us—but…what does Braden think about your history with Zack?”
Oh, God. It was something I’d thought about occasionally but tried pushing out of my mind whenever it popped up.
Braden and I didn’t talk about it anymore; whenever we spoke about Zack, it was as concerned friends.
But Zack was a shadow over our relationship and maybe he always would be.
The first time we’d made love back when I’d caught Zack cheating on me during our first tour, Braden had said he knew I still loved Zack…
but, trying to comfort me, he’d told me Zack didn’t deserve me.
And when we’d made the actual attempt to be together, Braden had patiently given me all the space I’d needed, even while I knew it was stupid to delay and put off, because the man was a catch.
He was sweet and gorgeous and everything a woman could want in a man.
I had vowed to learn to love him—and I had—but it felt like something was missing.
With Zack, everything I felt for him had consumed my soul, taking up every moment’s thoughts, my emotions wrapped around my heart so that the sight of his face, the feel of his touch was always in my head.
I had felt like we’d been two parts of one whole.
And I didn’t feel that way with Braden. I had grown to love him, but we still felt like separate people.
Maybe, I told myself, that was how it was supposed to be.
Maybe the dysfunctional relationship I had with Zack made me think we were one person when we were together and helped me see inside him when he’d open up.
Braden, on the other hand, was an open book and shared with me freely anything I wanted to know.
Fuck. Did Zack feel about me the way I felt about Braden? It would explain so much.
And why the hell was I still thinking about him in that regard at all, especially with that knowledge?
“Earth to Dani,” Roxy said, snapping her fingers about a foot away from my face.
“Oh, sorry. Um…yeah. I…honestly don’t know how he feels about it. I mean, he knows everything that happened between us because he’d been on the sidelines watching. And I was too damned stupid to realize he’d always had feelings for me.”
“No way!” Roxy said, curling her legs up underneath her. “He was just waiting in the wings the whole time?”
“I guess.” Now that Roxy had brought it up, I wondered if that was creepy or romantic. I already knew what her verdict was.
“Does he know you still have feelings for Zack?”
For a split second, I felt like I was drinking—a sort of lightheaded feeling disoriented me for a few moments. But I knew why: it was because Roxy knew the truth. She’d seen through all my bullshit—even the things I’d told myself, the things I’d convinced myself were facts when they really weren’t.
I swallowed hard and then got up, walking over to the mini fridge and taking out a can of beer, wishing she’d gotten something harder.
“Uh,” I said, walking back to my chair. “I didn’t think anyone knew.
” Popping open the can, I chugged the foamy amber liquid quickly, hoping to take the edge off my now fraught nerves. “Is it that obvious?”
“Well…to me. And only when you actually talk about Zack.”
“Holy fuck.”
Roxy flashed a gentle smile, her eyes warm and sympathetic.
“Don’t forget that my job is to dig for the truth.
I know most people would discount my interviewing skills because I’m just a—” I expected her to say woman, but that was my agenda, not hers, and her next words quickly set me straight “music reporter. But you have to be able to read people’s body language, tone of voice, and look for what they’re not saying.
That’s how you get the stories no one else can. ”
Nodding, I took another large gulp of the beer.
It wasn’t working.
Roxy leaned forward, reaching over to pat my knee before sitting back. “It doesn’t hurt being a woman. I take a lot of the guys I interview off guard. They’re busy trying to impress me, but I can swoop in with an unexpected question and get the truth before they even know what hit ‘em.”
Smiling, I said, “You’re ruthless.”
“Maybe…but not with you. I—just don’t want you setting yourself up for disappointment.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Braden will never be Zack. They’re two completely different people—and if you settle, you’ll never be happy.”
Her truth was hitting too close to home.
Was that what I was doing? Settling? Or had I just not figured out how to fully love Braden yet?
I did love him. I knew I did—and I was certain that the lack of uncontrollable passion I’d once had for Zack just meant this was a more realistic love.
After all, a contained fire in a fireplace can burn for hours, spreading warmth and cheer—but a raging inferno consumes an entire forest in minutes, leaving nothing but ashes in its wake.
And that pretty much summed up both Zack and me—and Braden and me. And I knew I wanted the warm fireplace.
Didn’t I?
“I can be happy with Braden. I am happy with Braden.”
Oh. My voice was a little louder than I’d wanted. I blamed it on the beer.
But Roxy wasn’t done yet. “Are you marrying him because you’re happy and in love…or because he makes you feel safe?”
That was when it felt like the floor opened up and put me in a freefall. Although I spat out “I don’t know” and Roxy changed the subject after a few moments of respectful silence, I had to wonder.
By the next morning, I vowed to give Braden my best—all my love and devotion. Because, yes, I was his fiancée—and I wanted the warm fire. Roxy was right—it was safe. But I’d already experienced the opposite and had been miserable.
I owed it to both of us to focus on what our marriage offered…and to learn to be happy with it.