Chapter 32 #2
“Come on in, Dani,” Zack said, pointing to an empty chair.
I noticed that Zack had done some upgrading, adding more unusual equipment that would make Once Upon a Riot sound even better—of that I had no doubt.
Zack had been a musical genius anyway, taking to the guitar like a trout to a river, but I knew that sober he’d be an even better businessman.
A sense of gratitude washed over me, having been welcomed back.
Braden, at least, didn’t look as sad as the last time I’d seen him. Although he didn’t smile back, I sensed that maybe, over time, we could become friends again—but I held no expectations. I knew forgiveness might be elusive or he might not ever find it and, for what I did, I couldn’t blame him.
“We’re just talking about the direction we want to take the band.”
When I reached the chair, I didn’t sit. Instead, I said, “Before that, do you mind if I say a word or two?”
Zack waved with an open palm, eyebrows raised, giving me the floor. Jesus…it just never got easier. “I’ll keep this short, but I just wanted to apologize for, um…leaving Braden at the altar. I’ve already apologized to him, but I know my actions have affected the band.”
Cy said, “You think?”
Ouch.
But I wasn’t going to bite back. “I…hope to regain your trust, but I know I have to earn it, and I’ll do my best to do that. Um…thank you for letting me stay.”
But Cy wasn’t done. “What you did was shitty, Dani. I mean, you hear about supposed runaway brides, but does that ever really happen? Who does that kind of shit?”
I looked at the floor, letting him give it. I had no defense and I also understood that my actions had affected everyone, not just Braden. I just hadn’t realized how angry Cy had been.
“She knows. She already said it.” Braden? Defending me when he owed me less than nothing?
Cy simply scowled. Was it because he’d said his piece or because he’d been silenced?
Regardless, Zack asked, “Did you want to say anything else, Dani?”
“No. Thanks.” And I sat down as Zack started to toss out some of the ideas he’d brainstormed over the last few months—but he wanted us all to decide on the direction of our next album.
And, although our band now had visible scars, I knew it would just be a matter of time before we settled back in, ready to reap the rewards of years of effort.
After the meeting, Cy left to hang out with his girlfriend. Being out of the loop, I hadn’t known he’d been dating anyone. Braden, too, didn’t waste time going.
But I had been wanting to talk with Zack alone. I’d had a season to process my whole life, thanks to my therapist, and especially the past year…and I was ready to have a conversation with my best male friend.
“Can we talk?” I asked Zack as he pushed his chair back against the wall. “Uh…unless you have plans.”
“No plans,” he said, turning around and facing me. “We can head to the house. I need something to drink.”
As Zack locked up the studio, Cy left the house, having changed clothes, and got in his car, out of sight before we entered the front door. Soon, we were in the kitchen and Zack asked, “Want anything?”
He was filling a glass with tap water, so I told him to make it two. After we sat at the table at a diagonal from each other, I said, “You were right.” Wow. This was difficult…but it had to be said. “That I was living a lie.”
“I don’t think I said that.”
“Maybe not in those words, but you called me on not being honest. And you were right. And I’ve spent the last several months trying to be as honest as possible—not just with everyone around me but especially myself.”
“Sounds kind of like one of the twelve steps,” Zack said, picking up his glass.
“Really?”
“Close.”
I wondered if I should look over all the steps in an effort to be a better human being…
but that would have to wait for another day.
With a sigh, I decided to dip a toe in murkier water.
“Back in April…you said you loved me from the first time we met.” Jesus, this was hard, admitting all the feelings I’d kept buried my entire life—but this was the new me.
I had to do it. “I don’t know the exact moment, but I began thinking of you as more than a friend our freshman year too.
And it hurt to feel constantly rejected. ”
“I—”
“I know you said you didn’t feel like you were worthy of my love, but I didn’t know how you felt.
Never. And it didn’t really matter. Even with the rejection, I kept loving you—through your relationship with Ava, after kissing you for the first time and you telling me the next day that it shouldn’t have happened.
And then after losing my virginity, how you told me we couldn’t go there because you’d mess it all up.
And even when we finally got together, you closed yourself off from me—so were we ever really together?
Still, I kept loving you. And there was a time where I felt like I hated you…
but I think it was because I always felt like I was in second place. ”
Zack frowned. “I never…no. I was an asshole.”
“You were under the influence. But we tried. I feel like we really tried—and I came to the same conclusion you did at the Sand Dunes: that we won’t work together. It’s like we’re two puzzle pieces that we keep trying to fit together but we don’t go in those spots. We’re forcing it.”
Zack’s frown deepened as he nodded his head—and there was something unspoken in his eyes. “Yeah.”
“You need to know you’re important to me, Zack. You are my best friend, and I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“You won’t. We’ve been through a lot together. Friends forever, like we used to say in high school.”
Nodding, I fought back tears, grateful that we’d made it over one hump—but I had more to say. “But I’ve realized something over the past few months and I’m just going to lay it all out there with no expectations. And if you say no, it’s fine. We will always and forever be friends.”
His eyes narrowed. “Yeah.”
“I don’t need you. I don’t need a man to be complete.
” Sitting up, I reached across the table and touched his hand.
“But if you love me, have always loved me, and I’ve always loved you, why can’t we try again?
I don’t need you. I want you. I want to try us one more time.
I feel like maybe we’ve both grown up enough that we could… make it work.”
Zack’s eyes seemed to lighten as he tilted his head. “Seriously?”
Quickly, I nodded my head. “Yeah.”
Zack turned his hand over, cradling my smaller one in his. But he was quiet for a moment and I felt a sudden heaviness in my gut again as I prepared myself for the final rejection. It would be okay. I was ready this time.
I could do it.
Instead, Zack squeezed my hand. “I love you, Danielle Mankin. I always have. And I was a fucking childish idiot who didn’t have what it took to handle the emotions you elicited in me.
I know I can now. And if you’ll really have me, I swear to you that I will never hurt you again or break your trust—if you mean it. ”
“I do.” I licked my lips. “But can I admit something?”
“Yeah.”
“This is new territory. I’m kind of scared.”
“Me too.”
“I love you too, Zachary Ryan, and I swear to you I’m not going to run anymore—and I’m not going to lie to you or myself or anyone else.”
Giving me a gentle smile, he brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. “I promise to do the same.”
I smiled back. “You know, you were right back then…how you said relationships could ruin the band.”
Shaking his head, he rested his hand on the table; his other hand still held mine. “It wasn’t relationships. It was us, you and me. We were just too young and stupid to know how to handle ourselves.”
“Maybe you’re right.” With my free hand, I began tracing the A on the knuckle of his index finger. “But maybe, after everything we’ve been through, we could make it this time.”
“You know what that tattoo stands for?” he asked, watching my finger touch the top of the A.
“I figured it was because we played cards all the time on the road.”
Zack laughed, the sound filling the room and my heart with joy. “Maybe that was what put it in my head—but there’s way more to it than that. That’s Once Upon a Riot. I always thought of Cy as my ace in the hole. He’s a brilliant guitar player and I’ve always felt lucky to have him on board.”
“When he planned to leave…”
“Yeah, it killed me. I tried to be mature about it, but I was a fucking mess inside. Cy and I are a team and Riot’s sound wouldn’t be the same without him.
” Then he touched the J on his pinkie. “The jack is Braden. He has always been my right-hand man, the brother I never had. When I decided I wanted to form a band, he was the first person I thought of. I would trust that man with my life.”
I knew already who the queen and king represented but not what they meant to Zack. So I prodded him. “And the king?”
“Well, that’s me. As the leader of our band, I feel like the king of the world, and I can do anything.
But the queen? That’s you. She’s always been you.
” And I knew it had to be true, everything he’d told me—because he’d gotten that tattoo long ago, when Braden and I were in the early stages of our relationship.
Especially considering Zack had RIOT tattooed on the knuckles of his other hand, I realized that everything that mattered to him was there on his skin for all to see.
“You guys are more than my bandmates and best friends. You’re my family—and I’d be lost without you. ”
Although I felt a swell of emotion flooding my chest, I managed to keep the tears at bay.
“I feel the same way—and it devastated me to know I could lose my spot in the band…but I was prepared to deal with it. As my grandma always says, ‘Even when you mess up the sheets, you have to lie in your bed, so be smart.’ It would have felt like ripping my heart out, but I’d done it to myself. ”
“Stop beating yourself up,” Zack said, brushing his hand on my cheek again.
I grinned. “I think I’ve told you that a few times.”
“You have—and you need to take your own advice.” Nodding, I searched those emerald green eyes of his, feeling myself get lost in his gaze. “So, yeah, all three of you guys are my family—and if you’d left, the loss would have been too much. I…don’t ever want to lose you again, Dani.”
Leaning forward, I pressed my forehead against his. “You won’t. I’m here. This is me, baring it all.”
As he gently touched my lips with his, I realized this really was where we needed to be. We both had scars, had both inflicted many of them, and I knew in my heart that Braden would find the perfect woman for himself, so I let that guilt go as I lost myself in Zack’s arms.
And I knew that maybe Zack and I would never be perfect…but we were perfect for each other. For the first time in our lives, we were making music in our hearts, a song that would last a lifetime and beyond.
THE END
Thank you for reading the arduous journey to Zack and Dani’s HEA.