Bonus Chapter 1
Cal
This had become a bit of a routine now, the Monday evening drive. I should really head back to Exeter on a Sunday evening, but I never did. Also, my dickhead brother had totally abandoned me, bought his own car and him and Georgie were just…
Yuk.
Was I jealous? Yes. Absolutely. Was I being a dick about it? No. Because I was a decent human being and I actually really liked George and also? My brother was my blood. It was always there, though. I was outgoing and friendly and happy and got along with everyone.
I was also single. Still. Not good. The worst part? My brother had lost his virginity years ago, the shy, ridiculous dude he was. He’d just kind of…hooked up with people.
I couldn’t even get people to come out for a drink with me without dumping me and blocking my number.
At least Ollie still liked me, and here I was. Another Monday evening double-parked outside his therapist’s office, waiting for the dude to come tumbling down the stairs and throw himself in my passenger seat.
As I said. It was tradition. Routine. Ollie went to therapy. I picked him up. Then we took the long way home so we could talk it all out.
Not my place, you might have thought, listening to me rabbiting on in my head. But yes, it was. It was just easier for Ollie to have me grab him and listen to his woes. And then of course…
He would listen to mine. Despite him being a total weirdo, he was smart.
He was also really good at helping me set up study plans and make sense of my assignments.
And he kind of made sense after a while, when I told him all that crap that went on in my head.
The doubts. The worries. The total pig’s ear I made of things.
“Not the end of the world,” he’d say sternly. “Nobody died. We’re all still here.”
“Yeah,” I’d say, and poke a finger into his arm. “My mother died young, and you still say that.”
“Mary agrees with me,” he’d retaliate, giving me a wink. “You’re fine. You’re good, Cal. And somewhere there is someone who will love you to bits.”
“You can say it.” I’d sigh. “Just because my dad is bi and my brother is totally mega gay?”
“Ed might not be. He doesn’t label…”
“Dude.” I would roll my eyes. “You don’t have to listen to the two of them in the middle of the night. I like girls. Girls don’t like me. Everyone says I ping their gaydar so hard that I might well be farting unicorns or whatever.”
“Cal.”
“I do! I talk funny. I know far too much about Musical Theatre, and I know every single Lady Gaga lyric. I’m not helping myself!”
“Cal. Your mum was the original Glitter Ella in Fairy Wings. It’s in your blood.”
“I can sing the whole thing. Even the interlude.”
“I know. You did it that time we got stuck in traffic, remember?”
We’d both laughed. We still did every time I piped up the intro in the car. He’d silence me, and I’d turn the radio on. Then he’d turn it off and ask me something else.
We talked. We talked a lot.
“Hey,” I said softly as he opened the passenger door and slid in. He was almost vertical in the seat and sighed deeply. And I did what I had to do. Leant over him and fastened his seatbelt. Gave him a firm squeeze on his leg.
“You’re okay.”
“Absolutely drained. Fucking Dr Wilkes. She really went for me today.”
“She usually does.”
“Awful. I cried so much I thought I would throw up. Therapy is supposed to help, not totally break you.”
“Want a chocolate bar?” I offered up my normal selection. Dairy milk. Bounty. Snickers. Lindt’s extra creamy. I knew which one he preferred. And we’d finish all of them before we got home.
Traditions were important. Routine helped us both cope.
The way he unwrapped the chocolate bar was his usual frantic rips of the paper and half of the bar being shoved in his mouth. Overenthusiastic chewing as he allowed the sugar to take hold.
He needed it. Even Dr Wilkes had approved of our little ways to unwind post sessions on a Monday evening. She was pretty cool. Even when she really got to our Ollie here.
“She had a go at me for abandoning my siblings. Like it was my fault.”
“Not your fault.”
“I know. But I think…I needed to hear it. I’ve lived with all the guilt for years. I have no idea what happened to them, and they were just babies. I never even think of them because that fucks me up in the head.”
“Rude,” I said. Honest. We always were.
“Oh fuck I know it.” He sighed, leaning over and burying his face in his hands.
The only thing stopping him from banging that head of his on the dashboard was the fact that I had strapped him in with the seatbelt.
I knew the drill. His empty chocolate wrapper now crumpled into a ball in his fist. He let it drop to the floor.
Messing up my car, again. Nothing new. I had tissue boxes and ripped-up pieces of paper and all sorts down there.
Most of them remnants of Ollie’s post-therapy rages.
“I have no idea how I would live with myself if I abandoned Ed and never spoke to him again,” I offered up.
“Not helpful,” he barked.
“Has to be said.” Truth. All of it.
“I barely knew them. They were just babies when I pissed off.”
“Not true, you didn’t piss off; you were turfed out. Don’t change the narrative.”
He roared into his hands. Then threw himself back in the seat. Whined. “Pass me the Bounty bar. Today is a full four-bar day. Gimme the sugar.”
“Sweet.” I smiled, handing him the next piece of contraband. Healthy eating was in. Apart from on Mondays. Mondays were chocolate coma and greasy takeaways. Personally? My favourite day of the week.
“Traditions are important,” I said, chucking another bar into his lap. He’d need it. We had a long drive, and the traffic was pretty much at a standstill.
“Fuck,” he groaned. Then he seemed to calm down. “Thanks for coming to get me.”
“Dad always grumbles. He wants to spend time with you, but he’s a shit driver and…well…I need my own therapy sesh. Love our Monday drives.”
“You only come for the takeaway.”
“Nah. I come for the chocolate and the bad life advice. And for the entertainment of having you freak out in my car. I feel much better about myself afterwards. Not such a dork. Not crying into a Snickers bar.”
“Arsehole.”
“You love me.”
“Fuck.”
He threw his head back and made more of those weird noises he did. Frustration. Anger. Pain. He had the whole repertoire down to a perfect art.
“Dr Wilkes wants me to write letters to them, that’s my homework for next week.
She wants me to stick to two hundred and fifty words and explain why I left in a non-accusatory way.
Just a statement of fact. Then somehow open a path for dialogue.
She doesn’t even want me to actually send them, just go through the absolute shitty feelings of admitting… shit.”
“You’ll be fine. They might not even want anything to do with you.”
“They might. They might turn up on our fucking doorstep and demand money.”
“Nah.”
“What do I know? I have no idea what’s going on.”
“You just feel shit.”
“Yeah. Normal on a Monday.”
“Absolutely normal.”
“Thanks,” he said weakly.
“Always. Dad loves you, you know. Whatever happens, he’ll still go all jelly baby over you and tuck you up in bed and smother you in Dad-stuff. Whatever you get up to. Yuk.”
He laughed. He always did.
“It’s all good,” he said softly.
“You shagged yet?” I had to ask. It was Monday evening after all.
“None of your business.”
“I need to keep Dad happy. And most importantly, I want you around.”
He grinned and shook his head. “Oh, Cal. Sweet summer child.”
Now it was my turn. “Fuck off.”
He grinned. I did too.
“He’s pretty special, your dad,” he said softly. “And so are you.”
“Don’t feel it,” I grumped. “Still single and no sex on the horizon anytime soon.”
“What about that hot chick in the library?”
“Not replied.”
“The gorgeous blonde on the dating app?”
“Nothing.”
“You need to get off the dating apps. They’re really not good for you.”
“Well, how am I supposed to meet someone?”
“We keep going over this. I have no answers, Cal, because sometimes that person just turns up. There’s not always a master plan.”
“Georgie put the two of you together. You know that, don’t you?”
“We were the worst-case scenario. Most mismatched couple he could find. And we’re the only couple who lasted.”
“That’s not what he said. Anyway, you sure you’re the only couple that lasted?”
“Yeah. Gina keeps track.”
“When’s Gina’s show airing?”
“Two weeks from now. I should be nervous, but I’m not actually. This time I have clearance from work, and even my boss has watched the review tape. She’s happy. I’m happy. And anyone who gives us any grief can go fuck themselves.”
“Dad’s happy.”
“He got to rant. He needed that.”
“He was bloody fuming. It was quite good. But you do know he’s silently bricking it. Last time these things went public, it turned into hell for us all. Ed and I had to change schools and all that. Mum was fuming. Dad was just…”
“The world is a different place now.”
“Yeah, but there are still arseholes out there.”
“There are. But this time we’re all…weirdly in this together.
And I mean, things will come crawling out of the woodwork.
We’re prime time on Channel Four. Give it two weeks, and things will have moved on to bigger and better drama.
We just sit there and rant. Look disgustingly in love. Talk about money versus humanity.”
“I’m going to flaunt it on Insta. Milk it for all it’s worth.”
“Do it.” He grinned. “Maybe just…say it like it is. That social media is sometimes the worst invention ever.”
“Not as bad as AI. Can’t stand it.”
“Which is why you’re going into finance. Real numbers.”
“Real shit.”
“It’s fun. Well.”
“I’m okay.” I had to say it. “I’m going to keep my feet on the ground and not try recreational drugs and run every morning and eat pumpkin seeds.”
“And you’re going to meet the most gorgeous girl in the world, and she will love you forever.”
Now I was the one making the sounds.
“I like Gina.”
“Gina is too old for you. Also? Not that way inclined. You know this.”
“Yeah. But she’s like. Cool. Not bothered about make-up and eyelashes and fake tan and all that. Talks straight up. No games.”
“You’re the same. We’re going to find you a Gina. Someone perfect. Just sit tight. Chill with me.”
“I’m chill.”
“You still have time to move the espresso machine tomorrow?”
“Yeah, not going to drive back until after lunch, so yes. I can’t believe you’re renting your shag pad out.”
“Not a shag pad. Never once got down and dirty in that place.”
“Waste of a shag pad.”
“One day if you behave, I’ll let you move in. You and that fancy girl of yours.”
“Gotta find her first.”
“Yeah, and I have to get sane first. Why does every Monday feel like I’m taking one giant step forward and thirty-five backwards?”
“Because you’re an idiot.” Honest talk. I liked it.
“Truth.” He sighed. He liked it too. Good stuff.
“Do you wake up every morning thinking, I want to go and blow some hard cash on snow so I can get high?”
“No.”
“What do you wake up in the morning thinking?”
“That morning wood is a cool thing. Especially when you have a hot granddad in your bed.”
“Pervert.”
“Not really.”
“So you see? Pretty normal. You’re making good progress. Less crying. You haven’t dropped any teacups this week. Not had the shakes. A bit of a panic when Auntie Patel caught you putting her plates in our dishwasher, but you recovered that one well.”
“I’ll replace the teacups,” he said softly, biting into another chocolate bar.
“It’s just teacups.” I chewed on my lip. “And what I was trying to say is that… You’re really doing well, Ollie. I know it’s only been a few months, but you’re not the same person who walked into our house. You’re different. Stronger. Funnier. Pretty decent progress, I would say.”
“You know I love you,” he said softly. “You’re my favourite kid.”
“You say that to Ed as well. And to Georgie.”
“Well, you all are. I’m like the cool dude now. Got kids and all.”
“And then your poor-ass siblings will turn up, and all kinds of shit will happen.”
“Worst-case scenario. Maybe one day, I’ll talk to them on the phone or something. Find out how they are. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t want what we all have to change. Not now. Not when things are so bloody nice.”
“They are nice, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“Ollie, are you happy?”
I had to ask because sometimes, especially on days like these. The Monday depression would hit, and then we would slide into wreck-Tuesday, which would move on to recovery-Wednesday, and then he would be almost back to normal by the weekend.
Which is why I was spending far too much time driving back and forth to uni. I didn’t mind. I liked being home with Dad. I liked Ollie. I worried too much. It all made sense.
“I’m home,” he said quietly. “I’ve never had a home, not one that felt like it.
I was always frightened of something when I was growing up because nowhere felt safe.
You guys are safe. Your house is safe. I feel so bloody grateful I have you.
So yes. Happy? I’m absolutely happy. I’m exactly where I want to be, and once I have that espresso machine installed in your house, I’m never going back to that flat again. ”
“You’ll have to, when I move in with my girl and you come visit.”
“Maybe.” He smiled.
“You need more chocolate?” I waved the last bar in his face.
“Yup. Last one.”
“It’s definitely a four-bar day today then. And ten minutes and we’ll be at Karachi Castle. Wanna ring in the order?”
“You drive, I order.”
“Dad’s just texted. He’s home. The Patels are having their usual.”
“Fine. And he’s…”
“You love him.”
“I love him. I bloody love him.”
“Don’t swear. Mum will get you.”
“Didn’t help that your dad scattered those ashes. She’s worse than ever, isn’t she?”
“Dad keeps all the pots on the floor in the corner now. Drives her mad. The fuse box probably needs changing and…”
“She keeps tipping cups out of the cupboard. I swear to God. I’ve got the shakes on occasion, but…”
“You broke the pink one. No doubts about that.”
“I did. But the two blue ones weren’t me.”
“She hated the blue ones. Always said she regretted buying them.”
“They’re a weird colour.”
“The whole kitchen needs changing. I bet those shelves are bent.”
“The floor upstairs is uneven. I don’t mind it, not really. It’s just your mum having a laugh. Isn’t it?”
“You sure you’re happy?”
“Cal?” He was smiling. It was Monday, and he was fucking smiling.
“Yeah?”
“Shut up and drive.”
I did. Because yeah. Whatever. Family. We were one, and at least we had a laugh.