Chapter 20
20
Declan
I glance across the kitchen table at Jade as she pokes at the last of her food, a nervous energy radiating off her in waves. She’s been quiet since I told her about my past, and I realize that it was probably too much too soon. Technically, this is our first date, and I just had to go and spoil it by being honest.
I hate seeing her like this, like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I don’t know everything about what’s going on, but I know enough to recognize the fear in her eyes.
Part of me is worried that her fear is directed toward me. I just wanted to put her at ease, to let her know that she’s safe with me. I think it’s safe to say that backfired spectacularly.
“Jade,” I say softly, setting my fork down. I break out in a cold sweat as I consider my words. I don’t want to make this any worse nor do I want to make her uncomfortable in any way. But I do want to give her the chance to know me fully.
She looks up, her wide eyes locking onto mine.
“Yes?” she asks hesitantly, and again I’m struck by the worry that she’s afraid of me now. Fuck, this is hard.
I take a deep breath, leaning back in my chair. “Do you have any questions about what I told you earlier?” I ask slowly, carefully. “It was a lot to dump on you. I wanted you to know that you’re safe with me, but I think I might have done the opposite. I’d like to tell you everything, but I don’t want to burden you with it if it’s too much.”
Her fingers tighten around her fork, and she nods cautiously. “Okay,” she finally says. “It might help me if you told me more.”
I hesitate for a moment, then start at the beginning. “My dad was…” I start, trying to put this in exactly the right words. “He wasn’t a good man. To say the least. He was involved in a lot of things that most people would consider unforgivable. Things I considered unforgivable. Growing up, I hated everything about that world. The secrets, the lies, the violence. I swore to myself I’d never be like him.”
Jade’s expression softens slightly, but I can see the tension in her shoulders, the way she’s bracing herself for whatever comes next.
“And just so we’re completely clear,” she says carefully. “What was it that your dad did?”
I can’t help but smile at her boldness and curiosity. She’s still here, still willing to listen to me. That’s enough for now.
“He was the head of the Irish Mafia,” I tell her honestly, laying all my cards on the table. “In Chicago, my family is well known and feared. But I want to make it perfectly clear that I basically have nothing to do with them anymore,” I say quickly, still trying to put her at ease. She nods slowly and motions for me to go on.
“I spent my whole life trying to distance myself from the family business. I’m the youngest, so I didn’t have to be taught about the business the way my brother, Patrick, was. He was groomed to take over one day, I just wanted to live an honest life.
“When I got older, I tried to get as far away from it as I could. I wanted to go off to college and be a computer programmer, but my dad hated that. He wanted me to stay close by and help support my brother.”
I look up and see her resting her head in her hands, her attention completely on me. It feels strange sharing all this, like I’m performing onstage with a hot spotlight shining in my face. Yet at the same time, it feels almost healing to be sharing this with her. There are so many things that I’ve never told anyone before, and it feels like a relief to finally get it all out there.
“So, I taught myself everything I could. I bought books and signed up for classes at the library. I was able to learn and I met a guy willing to take me on as an assistant so I could get on-the-job training. For a while, everything was going great.”
I take a sip of my wine, though it does nothing to help ease the pain of what comes next.
“My dad died when I was twenty-eight. It was so strange because I was sad, of course, but I also felt this sheer relief. Like I could finally be free of his expectations and do what I wanted to do. But then my brother was sent to prison, and suddenly I was forced to take over the family business.”
Jade gasps quietly, though she doesn’t interject. I can barely look at her as I recall some of the things that happened. I wish I could erase it all from my history, but things will never work between us if I’m not completely honest.
“I did my best, Jade, I really did. I tried to turn our business legit, to keep everything legal and above-board. But other gangs in the city didn’t like that, and Patrick liked it least of all. He tried running things from prison, to keep all the shady shit happening. It caused a big rift between us. And then I met Cassidy.”
I look up at her now, but at the mention of my wife, she looks down at the table, clearly trying to control her reaction to another woman from my past.
“She became my world. We got married really fast, and it seemed like everything would eventually be okay. But six weeks after our wedding, she died from a car bomb that was meant for me.”
My throat tightens as hot tears begin to fall. Without a word, Jade gets up and comes to sit on my lap, pulling my face against her chest, her fingers playing with my hair. I lean into her for a while, getting lost in her scent, allowing her to keep me grounded.
“I left after that,” I finally manage. “I told Patrick that he could have the whole damn business. I wanted nothing to do with it. I’d tried and failed to be a good person, so there was no point in sticking around. That’s when I came here.”
Jade’s hand moves to her mouth, and I can see the tears welling up in her eyes. But she doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.
“They know where I am now,” I say quietly. “And in a few days, I’m meeting with my brother. I don’t know how it’s going to go, but if you’re going to be part of my life, you need to understand that it could be dangerous. I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe, but I won’t lie to you. This life, it’s not the kind of life I’d want for anyone, let alone someone I care about.”
When I finish, the silence stretches between us, heavy and suffocating. I fully expect her to tell me she can’t do it, that she needs to go. I wouldn’t blame her. She doesn’t move though, doesn’t loosen her grip on my hair. Instead, her face crumples, and she bursts into tears, her body collapsing against me.
“Jade?” I ask carefully, taking her face in my hands and trying to get her to look at me. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. “I’ve been so scared,” she whispers. “I didn’t know how to tell you, I came here because I was running away too, Declan. I witnessed a murder.”
Her words stop me cold, and I have to take a minute to process what she’s telling me.
“What?” I ask, stupefied. “When? Where?”
“It was back in LA,” she says through her sniffles. “A gang member killed someone right in front of me, and the gang threatened me. They said if I went to the police, they’d come after me and my family. So I ran. I thought I could get away, but they found me.”
Anger burns through me as the pieces start to fall into place. No wonder she was so afraid. She moved a thousand miles away just to feel safer, and now someone has come to threaten her. My grip tightens around her, and my hands clench into fists. Despite never being particularly violent, I want to kill whoever made her feel so afraid.
“That man at the hardware store, the one who threatened me, he had a tattoo. I didn’t recognize it at first, but now I do. It’s their mark. They’ve found me, Declan. They know where I live, and they want me to live in fear. He told me that if I go to the police or try to get help, he’ll kill me.”
Her voice cracks on the last word, and the raw terror in her tone cuts through me like a knife. I clench my fists, anger boiling up inside me, hot and uncontrollable. It’s the same kind of bullshit my brother believed in, the same kind of thing I was trying to move our business away from.
He thought that if we kept people living in fear, they’d do whatever we wanted. He loved to threaten people, to remind them that he was in charge and there was nothing they could do to stop him. His ego went unchecked, which landed him in prison. And even that couldn’t teach him the error of his ways.
“You don’t deserve this, Jade,” I murmur into her hair. “No one does, but least of all you. You are good and kind and so loving. Let me help you. Let me protect you.”
She looks up at me, her eyes wide and full of uncertainty. “Declan, I can’t ask you to get involved in this. We barely know each other. You shouldn’t have to deal with my problems.”
I put my finger under her chin, gently turning her face up so she has no choice but to look at me. “Maybe we haven’t spent a lot of time together, but in the last month since we were snowed in, I haven’t gone more than an hour without thinking about you. You’re not someone I just met, Jade. You’re important to me. And I’ll be damned if I let anyone hurt you.”
Her lip trembles, and for a moment, I think she’s going to argue. But instead, she leans forward, curling into my arms. I hold her tightly, feeling the way her body shakes against mine.
“You don’t have to be scared anymore,” I murmur into her hair. “I’ve got you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
The words seem to break something in her, and she lets out a quiet sob. Her hands clutch at my shirt, like she’s afraid I might disappear.
“I didn’t think I’d ever feel safe again,” she whispers, her voice muffled against my chest.
I press a kiss to the top of her head, my own heart pounding as I hold her. “You’re safe now, Jade. I promise.”