11. Jordan
11
JORDAN
W e both pointedly stare at Max as we wait for him to reveal what we’re really here for. It’s as if we can’t bear to look at one another, but really, I’m too frightened to see her. After the kiss and the intense dream that followed, I don’t know what to expect next. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep myself away from her if our eyes catch again because she’s so intoxicating and she draws me in so strongly, the magnetic pull is too much, and I’m totally unable to resist it.
I also don’t want Max to spot what’s going on between us. That freaks me the hell out too. He seems pretty good at reading between the lines with people, and I’m frightened that he might sense the tension between us. If he thinks that we aren’t getting along, that will be bad for the pair of us, but if he senses that something physical happened between us, then I’m in for it.
I don’t know how Michelle feels about it, either. Maybe I should have tried to talk to her about it instead of avoiding the topic because now, it’s a little weird. I mean, what the hell do I intend to do if she erupts and tells Max everything? She might not know that keeping our little kiss to ourselves is the best way. She might not think about it at all. Then I’ll lose this job which I want so badly. I can definitely tell that she’s on edge, which is putting me in a crazy position myself.
“So…” Max’s eyes dart between the pair of us with ease. If he senses anything, then he doesn’t let it show. “I have all the paperwork that I promised you, Michelle. If you want me to just go through it all with you, I can do so now.”
She nods eagerly, so he begins. While they discuss it, I do what I can to gather myself up so when I’m required to be a part of the conversation, I can do so with ease. I don’t want Max to spot any weakness within me. I haven’t forgotten that this is also my chance to prove myself to him. Benji let me know a while ago that the more respect Max has for you, the more work will come your way. I’d love to be in a position where I’m the first one he thinks of… which means no more kissing clients.
“I don’t really know what industry I want to work in,” Michelle admits shyly to Max. “I know that isn’t great, I’ve been trying to think things through just to see if I can come up with anything I might excel at, and I don’t know for sure. Jordan has said that he’ll help me work it all out, though. He has been really great about that. I hope this won’t be too much of an issue…”
“Hey, you guys work things out however you want to.” Max holds up his hands in a surrendering gesture. “I’m all good. I know you two know more about the situation than me. I have a lot of faith in Jordan to make this work.”
Urgh, that just makes me feel a million times worse. Knowing that he really has genuine faith in me causes guilt to wash over me. I can hardly look him in the eyes as I nod along, agreeing with him. He must be able to see that something is going on with me. Goddamn it, I’m going to have to explain myself at some point, but what will I even say? There’s no excuse for my attitude.
“Right, well, I don’t think there’s anything else to say,” Max finally tells us. “You guys can get job hunting if you want. I’m sure you want to get a move on in that department to keep on with the amazing progress you’ve made so far.”
Both Michelle and I hesitate before we stand up and get ourselves ready to leave. The prospect of being alone again is a little much for the pair of us, but I suppose we don’t have any choice. We say our goodbyes to Max and leave in silence.
“What should I do now?” Michelle asks as we head toward the car, the awkwardness crushing us. “Job-wise? Should we walk about and see if anywhere has signs in the window to say that they’re looking for anyone? Cafés and stuff like that? I mean, that should be easy enough, right? I could probably do something like that. Do I want to, though? I don’t know…”
I feel like she’s only suggesting this because she doesn’t want to be back at the apartment because no one really does that anymore. “Maybe we should get some of the local newspapers instead. Then we can check the Internet? We’ll get more there.”
“Sure, yeah, that might be better, actually. We might have more luck.” There’s no denying she sounds disappointed. “Hopefully, there will be lot on offer because I’m still a little bewildered at the moment about what I want to do.”
“Well, let’s go and see what we can sort out.” I smile warily at her. “We’ll soon find out what there is, then you can think.”
I know that we’re in for yet another awkward car ride, and that’s exactly what we get. We have a little bit of a chat every now and again about the paperwork Max has given her, but nothing really goes anywhere and it feels incredibly forced. I want to get past that. I don’t want us to remain in this place. Maybe I should bring the kiss up so we can talk around it. I part my lips a couple of times, trying to find an easy way to just get it out in the open already, but it doesn’t happen. I’m a mess.
With arms full of newspapers, we finally get back to the apartment and pile them up on the table. I can already see Michelle’s eyes fill with fear about heading through all of this information to see what she wants to go along with. This is where I’m going to have to pull my head out of my ass to help her. There can’t be any more worrying about awkwardness now. And since we’re not going to discuss the kiss… I think we’ve gone beyond that now, so we need to find a way to make things work.
“Right, I’ll make us some coffee,” I declare as I head toward the kettle. “Then we can make a start on this. I’ll get my laptop out too so we can see what’s online. There will be a lot , but just think about how much choice that gives you.”
She sort of laughs, but the sound is much too strangled a sound to come across as believable. It’ll be fine, though. I’m sure once we have something else to focus on, it’ll be just fine. Things might even get a little easier between us.
“This is a lot,” Michelle calls to me from the other room. “I really don’t know what I’m going to be any good at or what sort of place will want me. I don’t know who will want me, either. I mean, I’m hardly going to be desired, am I? I can’t really explain where I’ve been over the last few years, which isn’t going to look great, is it? What if no one wants to hire me?”
“It’ll be fine,” I tell her seriously as I bring the drinks over to her. “We will find something. And you can explain the gaps away by saying that you’ve been traveling or you can invent something foreign. No one will look too far into it. It’s a good coverup.”
“You mean… be dishonest?” she gasps. “But that feels all kinds of wrong. I don’t know if I should do that…”
“Everyone does.” I roll my eyes and laugh. “Maybe I’ve never, not much, but everyone embellishes just a little bit.”
“There’s a difference between embellishing and lying… but I suppose I don’t have a choice, do I? Telling the truth won’t work out well for me either… and it’ll lead Alexander and the other Russians right to me, so… yeah, I’ll do whatever you say.”
I sit beside her, and we start looking through the papers together. Having a topic to talk about together, something that isn’t about us, helps the barriers to come down just a little bit. It allows us to calm down around one another and to find a happy medium where it’s easy once more. Thank God. I much prefer it like that. I can actually smile once more, which is awesome.
“What about admin?” she asks me doubtfully with those lips pouted out. “I don’t know if I’ll be good in an office…”
“Send off an application anyway,” I reassure her. “Let’s just see what comes back from it. You never know…”
“Yeah, you’re right. I do need to keep my options open as much as possible, don’t I? Pass me the laptop and I’ll send off my details. And I might as well see if this restaurant wants any more waitresses too, although I wouldn’t be too keen on anything customer facing because it potentially puts me in the firing line. Wherever people can see me… but I have to try everything just in case no office job wants me. I need to cast a wide net as Michelle Miller to see what I get back.”
Michelle Miller. Uh-oh. Something about the way she said that makes me feel all tingling inside. It’s a reminder that for the moment, she’s my ‘wife’. I sidle a little closer to Michelle without even realizing what I’m doing. It isn’t until I inhale her delicious feminine scent which sends a shudder down my spine that I realize that I might have made a mistake. I’m losing control once more.
“Oh, what about this one?” I don’t even know what I’m pointing at. I’m just trying to make conversation to attempt to disguise the dizziness spinning through my brain. It’s kinda overwhelming right now. “You should apply for this.”
“The supermarket one or the ‘dancer’ job, which I presume is code for stripper? Is that the one you mean?”
“Oh!” Thankfully, Michelle bursts out laughing, which makes it okay for me to do the same. “Oops, sorry.”
She leans across to pat me on the arm, to reassure me that I haven’t offended her, but as she does, electricity shoots between us both and the atmosphere instantly changes. The thickness to the air is hard to breathe in. It wraps around us and cinches us together, making it almost impossible for us to remain apart any longer. I hook my hand around the back of her neck even with every rational voice inside me screaming at me, reminding me that I shouldn’t do this, and I kiss her.
Instantly, tight desire grips me. It grabs hold of me and pulls me in closer to her. I can’t get enough of her. She’s incredible. Michelle, too. She wraps herself around me and clings just as hard to me as I am her. The walls have come down too far, and there’s no building them back up again. We’ve crossed the line, and this time, I don’t think either of us can resist temptation. We want one another. It’s aching, yearning, desperate. My hands are all over her, and she’s exploring me too, but it isn’t enough. I need more of Michelle, and this time, I can tell she wants me too. There will be no running off for either of us.
Shit, we’re in trouble. So much trouble.