21. Jordan
21
JORDAN
W hat happened? My head aches as I attempt to part my eyes and let the world in. It’s almost so agonizing that I can’t do it. I kinda want to remain in the blackness where everything feels a lot less intense. But what the hell happened? How am I here?
I try and think back over everything that I can remember, but there’s nothing. Just a big, black hole. I can see glimpses of little things such as Michelle’s gorgeous smiling face and a strong sense of discomfort. I can also recall arguing, but I don’t know who with or what became of everything. My brain doesn’t want me to remember for some reason, which is very frustrating.
Open your eyes, I tell myself firmly. Wake up and everything will immediately become clearer. Just see what’s going on…
But I can’t do it. I don’t know why, I can’t exactly explain it away, but I’m afraid to let reality in. I’m scared to know what’s going on. My instincts deep down are yelling at me that I won’t like it, any of it, that life has taken a really bad turn.
“Michelle.” I barely recognize my own voice. It’s like a weird croaking sound. “Michelle, where are you? Are you alright?”
Something happened to Michelle, I can feel it deep in my gut. Something that’s my fault. I did something wrong…
“Michelle isn’t here anymore, buddy. You don’t need to worry.” The soft-spoken voice stuns me to the core. It’s a distinctly male voice, so not Michelle, clearly, but one which I know well. One I can always rely on. “It’s only me. You’re safe.”
Even though my head continues to pound and my eyes ache painfully, I just about manage to get them to see. It’s Max, staring over me surrounded by a terrifying white glow which drags a new terror out of the pit of my stomach. The brightness, the whiteness, it’s all too wrong. I know I’m in a place where I don’t belong, a place I want to escape from.
“What… what’s going on?” I attempt to push myself up, but it seems like I’m trapped. “Where am I?”
“You can’t get up at the moment, Jordan. You need to stay where you are so the doctors can take care of you.” Max rests a hand to push me back down. He might be trying to help me, but it feels like he’s on the wrong side right now. “You’re in the hospital. You aren’t in the worst state in the world right now, but if you try to fight this, you’ll end up injured.”
“In the hospital? But why?” Max’s eyes pop in surprise. “I don’t remember anything, and it’s weird…”
“You…” He sucks in a deep breath before he really dives into things. “You had an interaction with someone who identified herself as Kate. An American spy, or so she told you. She discussed some things with you about Michelle earlier today.”
“What things?” I should be able to recall this. It isn’t fair that my brain is giving me nothing. “I don’t remember this.”
“She told you that Michelle is married and that her father is in the Russian government. She warned you that Michelle is working against you to try and take my company down. Apparently, I’ve been involved in Russian operations before, which as I expressed earlier definitely isn’t the truth, so this is some sort of revenge plot with you at the center.”
“Michelle… but she doesn’t seem like she’s against me. Me and her… we… get along really well.”
“And I believe Michelle too, but Kate got under your skin,” Max reminds me, not that it jogs any memories. “And you left your post. I don’t blame you, so you don’t need to panic. As it turns out, Michelle wasn’t exactly honest with us about every little detail. But she’s missing now. We’re struggling to locate her, and you have been shot. You’re lucky you didn’t die.”
An ice-cold wave washes over me. “Someone shot me? Who was it? Oh, God, was it Michelle? Is she the one who did this?”
I don’t want to immediately blame her, but if I was suspicious about her and she wasn’t honest with me, and now she’s gone missing… well, it could all fit together a little bit too well, couldn’t it? Michelle could be something a whole lot different to the person I have in my mind. I know I must have been really suspicious to walk away like I did. I’ve been trained never to leave my post, so it has to be incredibly bad. Oh, my God, I’ve been dreaming about the woman who tried to kill me. Now that I can remember. While I’ve been in this hospital bed sleeping, she’s been floating through my mind the entire time, making me fall a whole lot deeper into love with her. A love that isn’t real and that I definitely shouldn’t be consumed with.
“We aren’t sure of that yet,” Max admits. “It’s something that I’m working on right now. But we also need to keep you under protection at all times. I do believe that whoever shot you wanted you dead, and when they find out that you survived, they could come back to finish the job. It was actually a miracle that nothing major was hit by the bullet. You got lucky.”
“So, it could have been Michelle. It could have been one of the Russian spies. Someone wanted me dead.” I huff sadly. My head is still spinning a bit too much to take this in easily, but I’m doing my best. “What did Michelle lie about?”
Max instantly looks uncomfortable. It seems he was fooled by her more than he wanted to let on. “Well, her father is a man in government. That’s information this so-called Kate gave to you. Although not as powerful as he once was…”
Ooh, do I remember that? I don’t remember this American spy woman, but it does feel more familiar than it should.
“As for the idea that Michelle is married, I can’t get any solid information about that either way. The guys back at the office are working day and night to see what they can discover, but it isn’t straightforward. It’s hard to crack Russian information, even with everything that we have available to us. We will do it, though. You don’t need to worry about that.”
I nod slowly, trying to accept all of this, but it isn’t sinking in. It all feels all kinds of wrong. Even if I’m the one who clearly had suspicions about Michelle at first, I don’t feel the same way now. That part of my brain has been knocked out, and all I can recall are the good times we shared. I was falling for her, I was really falling hard and fast. I could have been in love with her, given half the chance, and now, I’m lying in a hospital bed with her God knows where, wondering whether she shot me.
“So, where do we go from here?” I ask Max a little helplessly. “What happens next? This is all… a lot.”
“Your main priority is to get yourself better,” he tells me firmly. “I don’t want you worrying about any of this. You need to leave it all to me. I’ll find out where Michelle is and what the Russians plan to do next.”
“I don’t think I can just lie here and do nothing, Max.” Even the concept of that idea feels overwhelming to me. “Can’t you tell them to let me out of here already? I’m frustrated as it is. Plus, aren’t I basically just waiting to be killed here?”
“Not with people watching you, no. And I can’t get you out of here, Jordan. You need to heal. It would also be very useful to us if you could try and remember everything while you’re in here. I know it’s a lot for me to ask you to try and recall who shot you, but that would make our lives a lot easier if we could know. It’ll help us move in the right direction.”
I dive into my mind once more but get nothing. “I’ll see what I can do, Max. But what if I remember nothing?”
“Then we will figure it out,” he replies with sheer determination in his voice. “One way or another, we will make this work. Now, I need to get back to the office in a moment, but I have someone else coming in to watch over you. Do you want them in here with you to make you feel more comfortable, or would you be happier with them outside the room by the door?”
I instantly know that I don’t have the emotional energy to talk to anyone else right now, especially since it might be someone I don’t know. “I think it might be better if I’m alone to try and get my thoughts together. Is that alright?”
Max pats my arm and agrees. “Of course. I’m sure you need your rest too. It isn’t easy being shot.”
As he exits my room, I fall under a deep, dark cloud. Leaving the Navy SEALs and moving into security was supposed to put me in a line of work that wasn’t so dangerous. I knew that I would face hardships. I wasn’t stacking shelves or some other line of work without enemies, but I’ve personally been hurt more doing this on my very first job than I ever was in the military. That never left me in the hospital with no chance of escape and murderous criminals after me. I don’t like the idea that this might not be the best line of work for me, but what if it isn’t? What if I keep making mistakes because I’m a fuck-up?
“Kate,” I whisper to myself, trying to drag her face out of my muddy memories. “Kate, who the fuck are you? Michelle, who the fuck are you too? Was anything that we shared real? Did you just seduce me as part of your end game?”
Urgh, if I think about her giving me those looks, making me feel so incredible, causing me to fall for her through the lens of someone who didn’t really give a shit, it makes me sick to my stomach. She couldn’t really do that to me, could she? Although if she lied about who she is, then maybe she’s the best damn actress in the world. She should have an Oscar.
And if she’s married… well, that changes everything, doesn’t it? That turns the world on its ass in every possible way. That could be even more painful than the agony shooting through my body right now, although I suppose I’m probably on tons of pain relief for the physical issues. There isn’t any morphine for my heart, unfortunately.
“You are an idiot,” I scold myself angrily. “Thinking you’re ready for something serious at last. Clearly, not.”
I said to Michelle that I would give up the dangerous career if I ever found someone to love. Well, life clearly wants me in the firing line of bullets rather than with a woman I love in my arms. I guess I’ll have to accept that I had it right in the first place. Jobs can only cause physical pain. I can only lose my life. What Michelle has taught me is that love can cause me to lose so much more. Love can tear me apart from the inside out and leave me bleeding and exposed for everyone to see what a fool I am. Max must be able to see that, and I’m sure others will too. I’m about to be the fool who fell for the first woman he worked with and made a total wreck of his life in the process. Fucking wonderful.