Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Noah
Gunshots.
Blood.
Scotty’s lifeless body.
One, two, three, four…
I bolt up in bed, sweat coating my trembling body. It’s been a few months since I had my recurring nightmare. They seem to ease when I’m busy with work or with her, and neither has been a possibility recently.
Tori has been visiting Harry in Miami. She didn’t want to go, but I encouraged her to fly out with her parents.
I could have gone, but I wasn’t sure how I’d cope being around her and the guys.
I’m so happy and proud of what they are achieving with the club out there, but it would be a reminder of what I was too scared to have.
I’m due to deploy again in a few months, so for the time being, I lay low at camp, spending my days boxing in the gym or doing mundane admin tasks.
The tension in my body works its way to my head, causing an intense pressure that I know only a cold shower will give me some light relief from.
I am no stranger to a nightmare or a panic attack; they are a part of me now.
I take my shower and only feel marginally better as I head back to my small single bed in my cramped single room.
I lie down, bend my arms behind my head and glance at the clock: 2.08am.
I stare through the darkness, and my thoughts drift to Tori.
I haven’t spoken to her for a couple of weeks.
We are due to meet up soon to tick another item off Scotty’s life list. If I were being truly honest with myself, my trips with her are the only thing really keeping me going.
Being with her gives me a break from my reality.
I feel useful, like I have a purpose. I promised Scotty I’d take care of her and protect her.
I thought I could keep my growing feelings for her under control, but they are taking on a life of their own.
The more time I spend with her, the more I want her.
I think about that kiss all the time and always feel like the biggest piece of shit.
If there were a button to turn my feelings off for her, I would.
I know it’s wrong, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Walking away from her doesn’t feel like an option, so I fight the feelings every time I’m around her.
Maybe when Scotty’s life list is complete, and work gets busier, they will fade.
Yes, these are the things I tell myself almost daily. Even though I know they are lies.
I reach for my phone on my nightstand, knowing she’ll be asleep and I shouldn’t be contacting her, yet the need to text her outweighs my moral compass.
I stare at the blank text screen, typing and deleting and then retyping before I settle on one word.
Noah
Hi
I panic and try to delete it, but my heart stops when three dots dance across the screen, letting me know she’s typing.
Tori
Hey, you. What are you doing up?
I can’t help but smile, like an excited teenager, instead of the calm and collected twenty-nine-year-old that I should be. I sit up with urgency, rearranging my pillow before I type out my reply.
Noah
I couldn’t sleep, and you?
Tori
Same. We got back around midnight, and I have been staring at the ceiling ever since, thinking.
Noah
What’s on your mind?
I watch the three dots appear then disappear again and again, my nerves spiking while I wonder what she wants to say.
Tori
What’s on your mind?
You.
I think about typing that but something stops me. I need to know what she’s thinking before I tell my truth.
I smirk as I type.
Noah
Ladies first.
She types back instantly.
Tori
Always such a gentleman, Noah Jones.
I’d like to do some very ungentlemanly things to you, Tori Walker is what I want to say. But I stop myself. Jesus, what is wrong with me? I think back to the last time I hooked up with a girl, and it hits me: it was before we lost Scotty.
Nearly two years? I haven’t gone this long without sex since I lost my virginity in high school. Fuck, no wonder I can’t function properly. This can’t be good for my health. I haven’t been short of women to sleep with, but there’s no one I’ve wanted. The one woman I want, I can’t have.
Noah
Let’s say it at the same time. Reveal after one?
Tori
Okay.
With nervous hands, I begin typing.
Noah
Three…
Tori
Two…
I smile down at my lit screen, remembering the way we counted down like this before we jumped off the cliff, knowing I need just a few seconds before I type my truth.
Noah
One…
I suck in a deep breath and type out the three letters and hit send through squinted eyes. At the exact same time, her text flashes on the screen, and I still as I stare at her reply.
Noah
YOU
Tori
YOU
My heart races as I reread the three letters that light up the screen.
For years, I have longed to hear her say that she wanted me, that all she could think about was me.
But what if I’m wrong? What if she means she’s thinking of me as a friend?
People think of their friends, right? But what if it is more?
What if she wants me in the same way I want her?
I rub a hand across my stubbled jaw, trying to make sense of it and pluck up the courage to ask her what she means. I want to push the conversation further, but how far is too far?
I stare at the screen, like the unspoken words I am desperate to say will magically write themselves when I see three dots flash up once again.
Tori
Please say something. Or maybe you fell asleep?
I type back a quick reply.
Noah
I’m still here.
I anxiously twist the chain of my dog tags that hang around my neck.
Tori
Can we pretend this conversation didn’t happen?
Her words hurt more than they should.
Noah
What if I don’t want to?
Tori
I think it’s for the best.
Noah
Why?
Tori
Please don’t make me answer that.
Noah
I miss you. I miss talking to you.
Tori
Me too.
There's so much more I want to say, but like the coward I am, I back down because when I really thought about it, I know pursuing her is wrong. How could I do that to Scotty? So, like always, I bury my feelings and accept she’ll never be more than just my friend.
Noah
Night Tor.
Tori
Night Noah.
I toss my phone onto the nightstand with a growl. Fuck. I fucked it.
Why did I text her?
Because you are a fucking idiot.