Chapter 54
Chapter Fifty-Four
Noah
I left Tori with Harry so they could talk and headed to the floor above them to Jack and Ria’s apartment. My heart hammered as Jack greeted me and pointed to where Ria was. Even though so much of our adult life has been spent apart, my sister is one of the most important people in my life.
I tap my knuckles against the pantry door and push it open. I can't help but smile when I find her on the floor, legs outstretched, crossed at the ankles as she devours a giant bag of Cheetos, the same way she did as a kid.
“Jack said I’d find you in here.”
She startles and looks up at me. “It’s my thinking space. I like to come in here and just hear my own thoughts.”
I chuckle, “I don’t blame you, four girls are a lot.”
She quirks an eyebrow. “You’re telling me.”
She holds out the bag as I sit beside her. “Cheeto?” I take a handful as I pluck up the courage to spill my secrets. “So, not that I don’t love an unexpected visit from my big brother, but something tells me there’s a reason for this visit.”
She always could tell when something was up.
“Noah,” she scolds in the same way as when my nieces misbehave.
I inhale a deep breath and blurt it out. “Tori is pregnant, and I’m the dad.”
Silence. So loud you could hear a pin drop.
“And I found out a couple of days ago that I’m being deployed, and I don’t know how long I will be gone, and I don’t know how to tell her Ri, I can’t lie to her but, I can’t risk something happening to the baby.
Help me figure out what to do.” The confession rushes out as she stares, mouth open, her hand still buried inside the bag of Cheetos.
I swallow the thick lump in my throat. “Please say something,” I plead.
She clears her throat, removing her hand from the bag. “I’m just processing, I have, so many questions.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
And so I do.
“That is a lot.” Ria declares on an exhaled breath.
I nod in agreement.
“You could have told me sooner Noah, I’d have tried to help or just be there for you.”
“Ri, you have had enough to deal with. All the shit with Alex, being a mom and then you got your happy ending. I wasn’t going to fuck all that up for you with my problems.”
“You are always trying to save everyone else Noah Jones, but who’s saving you?”
Her words make me pause because it was the same thing Tori once said to me. But it was who I was. I was the guy that saved everyone or at least tried too.
“I don’t need saving.” I protest.
Ria places her hand over mine and squeezes it.
“We all need saving sometimes. Even the strong ones.”
I let her words sink in as I stare up at the ceiling light, fighting back the wave of emotion that is trying to hit me.
“I’m scared Ri, I don’t know how to be a dad, what if I fuck it all up?”
She shakes her head, tears pricking her own eyes. “You won’t”
“How do you know?”
“Because you basically raised me.”
Her words hit my heart in the most unexpected way. For most of my life I have felt like I failed my sister. She was the reason she went into foster care, she was the reason she ended up with a deadbeat like Alex, all because I left her.
“But I failed you.” I admit, my words cracking on the last word. “What that man did to you. That never would have happened if I had been in that house Ria, never.”
Ria cups my face, tugging me forcefully to face her.
“Now you listen to me, what he did to me wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t mine. It was his, our mom’s for bringing him into our lives when she knew he was a bad guy. None of it was your fault so I need you to let go of that guilt Noah.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to force back the tears, but it’s no use.
“Our dad walking out on us was not your fault. Our mom being a shitty mom was not your fault. What her boyfriend did to me was not your fault. What Alex did to me was not your fault.”
Her words tremble, and she takes a moment to breathe.
“And what happened to Scotty and Tori’s baby wasn’t your fault.”
I nod slowly, trying desperately to hear and believe what she is saying to me.
“So let yourself love her, Noah, and let go of all that guilt and allow yourself to be happy.”
I wrap my arm around my sister and hug her as a silent thank you.
“This baby, she’ll save you in all the ways you didn’t know you needed saving, trust me.”
I pull back and eye her suspiciously.
“We don’t know the gender yet. It’s too early.
Ria shrugs and winks. “I have a feeling, call it women’s intuition.”
I chuckle and shake my head as the idea of having a daughter flickers through my mind. Would she have my blue eyes and Tori’s golden hair? Would she have my laugh and Tori’s resilience?
Whoever is waiting for us at the end of this, I just hope I’m here to meet them. The idea of not returning from a deployment never crossed my mind, but I never had something that made coming home more important until now.