Chapter 59
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Tori
The build up to Noah leaving may be more painful than the goodbye itself. The past few days have been a mixture of me wishing time away so that he would just go and then hurry back to us, while clinging to every passing minute that we have together.
But now we are here. The moment I have been dreading.
I do my best to drown out the noise around us, the other families saying their goodbyes.
Ali and Harry headed back to the car after saying goodbye, giving Noah and me a moment alone.
I was stubborn at first, but really grateful Ali and Harry flew out to be with me while I said goodbye.
They will help me pack up my life in London once we leave North Carolina and then head to New York.
I have spent the past few months, since finding out about the baby, here with Noah, and it’s time I have cherished before everything changes.
Slow mornings, walks around the mountains, watching Noah work outdoors.
Every day felt like a Sunday morning. This is the life I crave, slow, peaceful, and full.
I can picture our daughter running outside through the fields and us spending evenings on the porch swing, drinking hot cocoa, and reading her a bedtime story.
But before I get that dream, I have to get through my reality, which is saying goodbye to Noah for potentially six months, maybe forever. Our daughter is due in five months, and I pray he makes it back in time.
I watch Noah load his bags onto the trailer, which will be taken to the plane waiting for him on the tarmac, with knots in my stomach.
I can’t do this. I can do this. I have to do this.
We stand motionless, the wind blowing through my long brown hair and blowing the floral sundress that shows off my small bump.
Noah has already changed into his camouflage uniform, ready for the flight to God knows where to do God knows what, and suddenly, he looks like the young guy I first laid eyes on in the bar, all those years ago.
And now we are here, and I hope I can muster enough strength to get through this without breaking down. Because I need to be strong for all of us. I want to be the woman he can lean on through the hard times because, Lord knows, he’s kept me upright more times than I can count.
He strokes my cheek with the pad of his thumb, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips, sending tingles down my spine. I don’t think there will ever be a time when a kiss from him won’t affect me. He dusts his thumbs over my jaw, and I brace my palms on his chest.
“I’m going to miss you,” I confess.
“Not as much as I’m going to miss you, darlin’.” he says as a hand lands on my stomach. “Both of you.”
A lone tear trickles down my cheek, and I fight to keep the rest from falling. “I have something for you.” Reaching into the pocket of my denim jacket, I present a small tin to him, one just big enough to hold a deck of playing cards.
He takes it and examines the engraved letters on the top.
Memento Vivere.
The same words that he had engraved on my necklace that has remained around my neck since he gave it to me. Never has the reminder to live been more important than now. We both have a little girl who’s going to need us both.
“The box you keep your playing cards in is a little worn now, so I figured this would keep them nice and safe.”
He smiles at the tin in the palm of his hand. “Thank you. This is really thoughtful of you.”
“Open it,” I say, trying to swallow down my emotions.
He lifts the lid and a surprised expression morphs into appreciation as he lifts two photos between his fingers.
Inside, I placed a photo of us from this past summer, lying out on the picnic blanket, and then one of our baby girls the sonographer gave us.
“Your reasons to live,” I say, placing my hand over his. I feel the tremor that rolls through his body, and I want to take all his sadness and nerves away.
He gets down on his knees and places a hand on my bump, and I look up at the blistering sun and take a deep breath as he begins talking to our daughter.
“Hey, angel, it’s Daddy. I’ve got to go away for a little while, but I need you to be good for mommy. Can you do that for me? I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m going to try my hardest to be there before you make your appearance in the world, okay?”
His voice trembles on the last word, and it’s almost my undoing.
“I love you, angel. Daddy will see you soon.” On the last word, something flutters in my belly, and my stomach jolts. Noah glances up in surprise, and I smile, the first genuine smile I have had in days.
“Oh my god, was that…” Noah asks, and I nod.
“Yes, I think that was her kicking.” And just so we are certain, my stomach jolts once again, and I choose to take that as her telling us everything will be okay.
He presses one final kiss to my stomach, and then he stands, and I let out a long exhale, knowing it’s now my turn.
“I’m coming back to you, Tor, both of you, I promise.” I chew on the inside of my cheek, letting the tears fall now because there’s no use in trying to hold them back.
“You can’t promise me that, Noah. You know that.”
“Then just have faith that I’ll come back to you. Wherever I go, I will always find my way back to you. Can you do that, just have faith?’
I nod, throwing my arms around him and clinging to him for dear life.
Just have faith.
“I love you,” I whisper into his ear.
“I love you more.”
“I’m going to let you go now, okay,” I choke out.
I try to move, but his grip tightens. Maybe he needs this for a little longer. I need to be the strong one here.
“We are going to be okay. You just need to go. Go do what you need to do. Save the world, Noah Jones, and then come back home to us.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I’m worried—” he says.
I cut off his words. “I don’t need you to keep saving me anymore, Noah.”
“I know you don’t, but I think you might be the one who’s saving me.”
His admission steals my breath, and before I can say another word, he kisses me like we have all the time in the world when it couldn’t be further from the truth.
His kiss reaches the tips of my toes and sends warmth through my body, making me feel alive, but the moment is cut short when the engine of the airplane waiting to take him away from me roars to life; confirmation that our time is up.
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“Me either.”
“We walk away on one,” he says, and I reluctantly agree with a nod.
“Three,” he says.
“Two,” I speak.
“One,” we say in unison, and then he’s gone. I do the same, not giving him another glance because if I do, I know I’ll run to him and never let him go.
I take quick steps on shaky legs toward the car where Harry and Ali have been waiting, my heart thumping in my ears as I place a hand over my chest, my lungs suddenly feeling too tight to take in a full breath.
Harry runs toward me, panic washing over his face. “Tori.”
“Is he gone?” I ask, trying to take in a gasp of air.
“Yeah, Tor, he’s gone.” My blood runs cold, the space around me turns blurry, and before my knees can hit the ground, my big brother catches me and holds me tight, letting me crumble in his arms.
“I’ve got you, Tor. I’ve got you.” I sob into the collar of his shirt, my tears soaking the fabric, and I let all the pent-up pain out. Another pair of hands strokes my back in comforting circles, and the smell of her sugary perfume tells me it’s Ali.
“Come on, girl, we’ve got you.” Her words bring me a touch of comfort as they both walk me back to the car.
As Harry reaches for the door handle of the passenger seat, the airplane that carries one of the most important people in my life, takes off, the roar of the engine so loud we are forced to cover our ears.
When the plane becomes nothing more than a dot in the sky, I lift my head and pray that someone up there will be able to watch over him, keep him safe, and bring him back home to me.