Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Viktor
I feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
I fucked my wife last night and then cleaned up and went to sleep without a word. I can’t explain why I behaved that way. All I know is that I was tired, frustrated, and needed to take it out on someone.
So, like an idiot, I chose the one person I shouldn’t have taken it out on.
And she let me.
When I woke up this morning, she was already gone.
She left a note saying she had to meet the local internet provider at our new house.
I’m almost positive that was a lie because why would we need the internet so soon?
We won’t be able to move in until after this series is over.
We don’t even have movers scheduled until the middle of the month.
I don’t blame her if she’s upset with me—I’m upset that I behaved so badly.
But she’s hiding something. I can feel it. And I can’t think what it would be.
She has no reason to keep anything from me. Our arrangement requires us to tell each other almost everything so we can keep up appearances, make sure no one catches us off-guard.
Except nothing about our marriage feels like a business arrangement anymore.
She’s my wife in every sense of the word and the truth is, I don’t want her to leave me.
Not now, not a year from now, not ten years from now.
I haven’t given much thought to the future, but the plan that’s been loosely forming in my mind has been to show her how I feel and make her fall in love with me.
Instead, I fucked her like a casual one-night stand last night. We didn’t even cuddle afterward.
And now I’m back at the arena trying to focus on hockey.
After I let my team down last night.
I know they don’t believe that, but it’s how I feel.
One more save and we’d be ahead in the series. Instead, we lost a game at home and statistically, the team who wins game one wins the championship seventy-five-percent of the time.
I don’t like those odds. Not even a little.
I really need to de-stress, get out of my head, and I don’t know how. My brain and my heart are at war, and that’s a dangerous place for me to be during a championship series.
“Hey. What happened to you this morning?” West asks as I get my locker. “You left the house like a bat out of hell.”
“What did you and Serena do last night?” I demand, gazing at him intently.
His brows knit together and I can almost see the wheels turning as he tries to read between the lines because normally, I would never ask something that’s borderline rude so bluntly.
“I mean,” I add quickly, “how did you deal with the loss?”
He’s still looking at me funny but luckily, he’s willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. “If you’re asking if I took my bad mood out on her, no, of course not.”
“Did you talk about the game?”
He shakes his head. “No. I have you guys for that. I don’t need her to talk shop. Instead of asking me all these vague questions, why don’t you tell me what you and Holly did last night so I can potentially help with whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
I stare at him.
I can’t tell him I basically used my wife to get off and then turned my back and went to sleep.
“I was…frustrated,” I say.
“Did you fight?”
“No.” I can’t look at him.
“Did you say something to hurt her feelings?”
“I didn’t say anything. I did something.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds and then his eyes darken as he scowls. “You better not be telling me you put your hands on her.”
My head snaps up and I shake my head vehemently. “No! Never. Not like that.”
He visibly relaxes. “Okay, so what then?” Then he seems to have an idea what I’m trying not to tell him. “Wait, are you saying the sex was a little rough?”
“Not rough.” I rest a hand on my locker and look down. “Very…” What the hell is the word for impersonal? “Cold,” I finish quietly.
“Cold?” He looks confused for a beat but then nods. “Meaning, no romance? You were kind of in and out, worried about your own pleasure and not hers?”
“No. She had pleasure. I just…turned my back and went to sleep. No talk, no cuddle, nothing. My back.”
He winces. “Oh. Oh, shit, man. Why?”
“I do not know.”
“And this morning she was out of the house before you even woke up.”
“Yes.”
“Now I understand.” He looks thoughtful. “Okay, let’s think about this. You didn’t hit her or hurt her or say something mean, right?”
“No. I said almost nothing.”
“This is totally fixable. After practice, we’re going shopping.”
“Yes?” I stare at him in confusion.
He just smiles. “Obviously, you have a lot to learn about being married.”
“So much,” I agree sadly.
“Don’t worry. Really. What you did was kind of shitty but it’s not the end of the world.”
“I want to make up to her.”
“I’ve got you, buddy. Trust me.”
After practice, we head to a high-end mall not too far from the arena. The first stop is a jewelry store, where I leave with a beautiful tennis bracelet that I know she’s going to love. The next stop is a place I’ve never been to and have never even heard of.
Build-A-Bear.
Why the fuck am I going to build a bear?
But West is on a mission so we sit there and choose a very non-descript brown stuffed bear. Then I have to choose a heart that will be sewn inside.
It’s ridiculous, and I’m a little surly about it, but as we get into the process, I start to understand the point.
I choose a specific heart—which essentially represents my own—and then when I give her the bear, it will be like giving her a piece of my heart. The romantic part of it is both understated and beautifully poignant. Something I never would have thought of in a million years.
West is obviously much better at this relationship stuff than I am.
Because then we have to pick out clothes for the bear.
And they have hockey uniforms, right down to skates.
It’s as sweet as it is ridiculous but now that I’ve wrapped my head around the romance of the whole thing, I’m into it.
“One more stop,” West says as we exit the store. He also bought a bear for Serena, just as a way of showing her he loves her, but he chose a different hockey uniform, so they aren’t identical.
“Your last stop will be flowers,” he says, “but you don’t need me for that.”
We walk into the Godiva Chocolate store, and there are small boxes of some limited-edition flavor and I buy one of those. It has a pretty gold bow and they put it in a beautifully decorated gift bag.
I don’t even know if she likes chocolate but at least the packaging is impressive.
“Okay,” West says as we head out. “You’re all set once you stop for flowers.”
“And I just give them to her?”
He rolls his eyes. “No, dumbass. You start with, ‘listen, baby, I know I was an asshole last night, but…’ and then you give them to her.”
“But what?” I ask.
I earn another eye roll. “But I’m sorry. I love you. Whatever.”
“We have not…we do not say the love word.”
“I see.” He pauses. “Do you love her?”
“I am not sure.”
“How come?”
“How come what?’
“Why aren’t you sure? You look and behave like you do.”
“Is very fast and I have never done this before.”
“What, been married or fallen in love?”
“Both.”
He stops walking and stares. “You’ve never been in love?”
I shake my head. “Only in school, at sixteen, seventeen. As a man, no.”
He’s quiet for a little while. “Now this is starting to make sense.”
“Yes? Because nothing makes sense to me. I think she is angry but not only because of last night. I think she is afraid. That I will leave her. That she cannot risk falling in love because this is not real.”
“Are you going to leave her?”
“This is not my plan, no.”
“Have you talked about moving to Russia in five or ten years?”
I hesitate. “No. I think this will scare her.”
“Then she’s probably already scared.”
“But that is…my home.”
He cocks his head. “If you love her, home is wherever she is.”
I never thought about it like that and now I feel even more stupid.
I’m ruining everything with my marriage without even trying.
“I am bad husband,” I mutter, more to myself than to him, even though he hears me.
“You guys started this whole thing as a business arrangement, so you were at a disadvantage from the get-go. Now you’re going to have to work twice as hard to find your way as a couple, instead of business partners.”
“I am…” I lift my gaze to his. “Very afraid I am going to lose her before I have this chance.”
“Then don’t. It’s pretty simple.” He pats me on the shoulder, gets in his SUV, and drives away.
Leaving me there wondering if he’s right or if I should walk away before I do more damage than good.
She’s been through enough.
Breaking her heart is not in my plans.