12. Leila
Leila
T here was a time when I’d sleep ten hours straight every night and wake up feeling rested and ready to tackle the day. I was maybe twelve, and my dad was still alive.
After Gavin got me out of Havenwood, I’d sleep five or six hours at a time, if I was lucky enough to not have nightmares.
Since I gave birth to Kaia? I haven’t slept more than two hours at a time. So, when I wake to sun peeking through the curtains and no baby crying, my body shifts into full-on panic mode.
The worst thoughts shoot through my mind. Is she okay? Is she breathing? Did somebody break in and take her?
And don’t try to tell me that my thoughts are irrational. I know the statistics of SIDS, and it is one of my biggest fears as a mother.
It’s why I breathe a sigh of relief when I see her bassinet empty. The logical parts of my brain finally kick on, and I realize Gavin probably came in to get her when he woke up. It’s not unusual for him to steal her for snuggles in the mornings. I just usually hear him come in.
What I definitely don’t expect is to walk into the kitchen and find Drew Flynn at the counter preparing a bottle with one hand while the other holds Kaia against his chest.
Why does it feel like my insides are melting every time I see this man doing the simplest of things? Watching him warm a bottle of breastmilk should not be a turn on.
He startles when he sees me. “Oh, shit. Crap. Snap! Sorry, I don’t know what the protocol is for cursing around babies.”
“She’s heard it all. Besides, it’s kind of cute watching you freak out over your swear word vocabulary.”
“I didn’t hear you come in. You sleep okay?”
“Mhmm.” I walk closer, cocking my hip out as I lean against the refrigerator. “What are you doing here, Drew?”
“Just spending time with my daughter before the day gets busy.”
“And the blanket and pillow on the couch?”
“We had a snuggle sesh?”
One brow raises as I wait for him to continue.
He finally sighs. “Gavin gave me a key and insinuated that you weren’t getting much sleep.”
“He did, did he?”
It’s his turn to stare me down. “So, after I dropped you guys off last night, I went home to change and grab clothes for today before texting Gavin that I’d sneak in once y’all had gone to bed. He left a blanket out for me. Probably really for Kaia, but I used it.”
My chest squeezes at the casualness of his tone, like he doesn’t think it’s a big deal that he just gave me my first night of sleep in almost a year.
Like he didn’t just fully immerse himself in the parent role that I prayed he’d want to fill.
The constant guilt I feel at not coming back sooner tries to seep in.
If I’d been brave enough to show up months ago, he would have been there for us. I one thousand percent know that now.
“So, did it work?” he asks while I’m lost in my head, in the could haves and what ifs .
“Hmm?”
“Did you get more sleep than normal?”
“I did. Until I woke up in a panic because I’d slept so good.”
He winces. “Sorry. Again.”
“Don’t be. I’m…I needed it.” Lord knows the bags under my eyes were dark enough to count as a black eye these days.
I bet I could sleep for another six hours or so if given the option, but I don’t tell Drew that.
He has Kaia tilted like a pro, making sure she doesn’t get any air bubbles in the nipple.
It’s crazy to think this is the same guy who just a few days ago was terrified of holding her when I threw her into his arms. The same guy who is making it more and more difficult to protect my heart from.
I knew coming to Havenwood would be risky. I’m starting to think I didn’t consider all the possible scenarios. Like my heart still belonging solely to the man in front of me.
Because I am one hundred percent still in love with Drew Flynn. And I don’t know if I want to fight it anymore.
“We should probably continue our conversation from yesterday,” he says after a minute of us both watching Kaia. Even as he speaks to me, he only has eyes for her.
I step forward to take the now empty bottle from him and move to the sink, washing it to give my hands something to do. “What else is there to say? We both made choices, and we’re living with the consequences. We’ll figure out the rest as we go.”
“You didn’t ask anything about why I left. Or about the pills. I know you know about them.”
Sighing, I set the clean bottle and nipple on the counter and turn around. My back rests against the coolness of the oversize farm sink as I think of a response.
“Are you actively popping pain pills?”
“No.”
“Are you planning to do anything to jeopardize the safety of our daughter?”
“Of course not. She’s everything.”
“Then I don’t have any questions. I trust you, Drew.”
“Even if I told you I almost messed up the day you came to town?”
“See, I’m not concerned about the almost.” Sliding my hand along the arm not cradling Kaia, I step closer.
“I almost died when my stepdad shot me. But I didn’t give up.
I almost lost hope in humanity, but certain people in my life reminded me that, where there’s darkness, there’s also light.
I almost stayed in Tennessee, but we wouldn’t have been able to raise Kaia together. ”
His body shudders on an exhale, and I know if I looked up that his eyes would be closed as he chokes back the emotion roiling through him. Instead, I keep my eyes on our daughter as she sleeps contentedly in her father’s arms. Something I’ll never regret allowing.
“You almost messed up, but you didn’t. I’m betting you either sought out Jace or your brother because you knew they’d have your back. The almost doesn’t matter, because you’re here, and you’ll do everything you can to stay here and healthy for the little girl in your arms.”