Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Suffering succotash, I need my ice water.
I want to pepper Maddox with questions as fast as they come to me. What did that mean? Do you like me? Holy fudgesicle, you made me come, and it was the best orgasm of my life. Why didn’t you want me to touch you?
The hottest man I know just made me come because he wanted to. I did nothing, and I didn’t even start it. The hottest man I know just made me come, and I don’t even know his favorite color.
Blue. It has to be blue, right? He gives me blue vibes. Royal, deep, sad.
I pace in my kitchen, nearly tripping over Princess, who is on a side quest to retrieve what must be a piece of food from under the fridge.
This is okay, right? I’m not controlling him, right? Fudge, what if he sensed my energy and did this because he felt bad for me?
My hands are trying to move to my phone to send him a text, and glory above, I must be possessed!
I have to ask him what his favorite color is, or he’s going to crumble into a pile of dust, and I’ll never talk to him again.
Because if he tells me his favorite color, that means he still wants to talk.
It means he did this because he wanted to and not because I made him.
Then there’s the slam of a car door outside, and it sets my heart racing. I’m moving to the door faster than Princess runs when I tell him it’s dinner time.
I open it, and am I dreaming? Maddox is here. He’s here!
He sees me, kicks the door shut, and moves toward me just as fast.
“Maddox—“
Maddox slams me into the wall, pressing his body into me and smashing his lips into mine. For a minute, all I feel is glorious exhilaration. UNICORN FARTS. Maddox is here! He’s kissing me like I’m the only other person on the planet! The world is right again.
Maddox’s kisses are rough, and his grip on my shoulders is tense. Suddenly, I smell alcohol. It takes me a second to compute. He’s been drinking, and he’s tense. Why is he tense?
For a second, I’m caught up in the drinking. Why is he drinking? Doesn’t he know that’s so bad for him?
I suck in a breath.
I pull back as much as I can, trying to get a glimpse of his eyes. For a brief moment, we make eye contact, and in that moment, I see tightness and worry.
My stomach drops. I feel bad for judging. Maddox has been through so much; I’m sure the drinking helps him cope, at least temporarily. And Maddox is a grown man. I can’t control everything, and I need to stop trying.
Maddox buries his face in my neck, nipping at the skin there, and fudge, he feels so good. So close to me. So right here, right by my carotid. He could touch his tongue to it and feel my heart racing.
Maddox latches on and sucks so hard that I’m ripped out of my thoughts and into a different reality. One where all I feel is Maddox pulling at me, trying to suck my soul into his. For a moment, I can’t think straight.
Maddox says something that sounds a lot like ‘fuck me,’ and now I really can’t think. My heart is racing so fast it feels like I can’t breathe. I try to pull back so I can see him, but the wall is preventing me from moving. Was that a question? Like, fuck me as in the exclamation or a request?
Maddox grinds into me, and I groan, already firm. I feel my resistance give way, and I soften into him. He feels it, pressing into me completely and washing my body in pleasure.
Maddox drops to his knees and fumbles with the button on my jeans, and my heart jumps into my mouth. Holy crap! Maddox is right here, on his knees in front of me, a thing I’ve imagined so many times I can’t believe this is happening.
Only in this version, there’s that dang line between his eyebrows, and his hands are shaking like he doesn’t want to. Or he’s running from something. Which makes my heart sink.
I drop my hand, running it along his cheek and tilting his head up.
His bristly cheek. Maddox looks up at me with those stunning green eyes full of the same fear I saw in him on day one, and I can’t help the way my heart aches.
Why does he look like that? I don’t want him to look like that when he’s with me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly.
Maddox blinks and pulls his head out of my grip, going back to my pants, yanking them down where my dick has deflated to only half hard.
Which is absolutely not ‘cause Maddox isn’t the hottest thing in the world, and I haven’t dreamed of this moment, but because that voice is screaming in my head.
That I’m just repeating his past. Taking advantage of him.
That I’m no better than Arthur if I let him do this.
My cheeks heat, but Maddox just opens his mouth, sucking the tip of my dick inside.
I’m flooded with pleasure for a single, selfish second. Maddox’s hand shakes on my thigh before it’s gone, and suddenly I lose all hardness.
“Wait, Maddox.” I try to pull back and am once again stopped by the wall. I let out a grunt of annoyance and step to the side, getting out from Maddox’s touch. Losing it feels like walking away from a fire and losing all heat, but I don’t care. I drop to my knees beside him.
Maddox grunts. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, wait, what’s wrong with you?”
He tries to grab for my dick again, but I’m totally limp.
Maddox makes a frustrated sound and ducks his head away. I see his cheeks are pink, like he’s embarrassed.
Oh fudge, he thinks I don’t want the blow job?? If I ever turn down a blow job offer from the Maddox McAllister, get me institutionalized right then and there.
I feel like I need to be committed right now, torn between what my body wants and what my mind knows is right.
“Maddox.” Gently, I touch his shoulder. “Why won’t you look at me?”
Maddox stands up, and I follow, pants around my ankles.
“You could just say you don’t want a blow job.” His voice is gruff.
“That’s not it! I do! I want it more than anything.” I wish he would just look at me! “But I care about you, Maddox, before anything else.”
Maddox closes his eyes, his whole body tense like he’s going to explode. And for a second, I wonder if he will. If he’ll yell and turn those terrified eyes on me like he’s looking at someone else.
I pull my pants up and buckle the button. If he’s going to see someone else, I don’t want him to feel like he’s going to be taken advantage of, at least sexually.
Maddox watches me out of the corner of his eye. Then, miraculously, I watch him blow out the tiniest breath. “I lost my patient today.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“I showed up, and he was just…dead.” Maddox is so still that I can tell he’s trying to hold back.
“Holy freak,” I breathe. I get the overwhelming desire to give him a hug, but I don’t know if he wants that. Which is crazy considering he just had my dick in his mouth, but somehow a hug feels too personal. So with Herculean effort, I hold myself back. “I’m sorry.”
Maddox shrugs. “He was a shit person anyway.” But he doesn’t look any less stiff. Like that wasn’t what was bothering him.
“Is that all?” I ask, my heart racing. Can I ask that? Am I pushing? Am I making him say something he doesn’t want to say?
Maddox’s head dips just slightly, and his mouth opens like he’s going to say something, but he closes it again and clears his throat.
I want so desperately to grab his hand, and my heart is fluttering in my chest. I want to hit him with a running stream of consciousness so he just tells me what it is.
“I–I’m confused.” His voice is gruff, and still, he won’t look at me.
“About what?” I ask, but I’m not worried. I’m pretty sure nothing Maddox McAllister says will make me care about him any less. Because I see him. He’s scared, but he’s good. He’s kind to every person and animal he meets, and if that isn’t a reflection of how pure his soul is, I don’t know what is.
Maddox finally opens his eyes, and when he does, he stares off into space like he isn’t really here. Like he doesn’t feel safe.
I’m not sure what to do. I have the urge to pull him into my arms, but I resist it. Maddox doesn’t want a surprise touch. Or any touch that he didn’t ask for.
Maddox doesn’t break out of it.
What do I do?
Water has helped me when I need to break out of something. But I can’t just…throw water on him.
Then, I get an idea.
“Why don’t you take a shower?”
There’s a slight flicker of Maddox’s eyelashes. Slowly, gently, I reach my hand out in case he wants to grab it. Maddox doesn't flinch away, and for a moment, I see his hand twitch like he wants to reach for me.
Warmth floods me.
He doesn't reach, and I don’t force him.
Together, we walk up the stairs.
Together.
I hold onto that detail to keep from going fully crazy. Because we can go through anything, as long as it’s together.