Chapter 4 The Bloke in the Black Suit
The letter of the day is H. H is for Heartbreak.
I was still bedridden when Mum burst into my room and told me the big news. “Killian…” she called as she ran to my side of the bed. “Come on.” She uncovered me even before I was completely awake.
“What is it, Mommy?” I was still weak, but at least the fever had broken. “Come, let’s get you dressed. I have a surprise for you.”
After putting some clothes on me and impatiently watching me brush my teeth while pacing behind me, she carried me downstairs and all the way to the solarium, where the guards opened two of the glass doors.
Slowly, I rolled out of her arms and walked three steps outside.
I closed my eyes, finally feeling the wind sweep across my face.
It was as if God were comforting me, bringing me back to where I belonged—outside that prison into his beautiful world.
For the first time in so long, I felt alive.
I looked back, wanting Mum to feel it too.
That’s when I realized the guards were blocking the exit behind me so she couldn’t join me.
The anxiety and pure terror filled me. What are they doing?
I don’t want to leave her behind. I can’t leave her.
“Mum! What is this? I don’t want to go anywhere without you.
Mum!” I held onto her arm for dear life, fearing we were being separated.
Between the two guards, she kneeled before me.
“Go have fun. I’ll be right here when you’re done.
I promise.” She pinched my cheek then cupped it.
“Go get some sun. You need it, baby.” Firmly, she placed her palm on my chest as her eyes lifted to mine, studying me.
I didn’t like leaving her behind at all.
Part of me thought this was some sort of a trick, that maybe someone would grab and take me away.
But even if that didn’t happen, why did I get the privilege while she had to remain inside, punished?
“You’re so pale, baby. Go, and when you come back, you can tell me what you saw, what you felt, what you thought about.
Okay? Stay outside for as long as possible so you don’t forget how good it feels and when you come back in you can tell me all about it. ”
My hesitancy and fear only allowed a brief and subtle nod.
Mum kept her promise, watching me from the door.
I walked past the pool and turned to meet her gaze.
The smile reached her tearful eyes. I turned to her again when I passed the gardens full of bright flowers and when I reached the rocky shore.
Then, I sat on a boulder and watched the Mediterranean Sea for hours.
The ocean waves carried my mind out of this world.
With the wind, I kept coming in and out.
It was like getting lost in a dream then waking only to fall back asleep.
I could smell the salt in the air. The wind ruffled my hair, playing with me, as if it had missed me.
The sun warmed my skin like never before.
The way the water moved about fifteen meters below me was hypnotizing.
The sound of birds calling each other, then plunging into the water, fishing.
It was the most beautiful day of my life yet.
I tried to take it all in, how sharp and rough the rocks were below me, how the birds glided for hours and how the sun shone across the planet, east to west. I watched the high tide come in again and then the day gave into night.
The pitch-black sky was magical with the tiny stars twinkling in between a few wispy clouds.
When shooting stars fired across the sky, I wished with all my soul that somehow, I would one day escape this horrible house and give Mum a better life.
I wished to love and be loved without any doubts for the rest of my life.
Not only did I hear the guards’ boots walking on the thick grass behind me, I felt their presence closing in on me.
“Hey!” They wrenched me by the shoulder, and when I didn’t turn to leave right away, they impatiently yanked me.
I fell on the grass, then walked toward the house.
Mum was waiting for me at the door, the very same spot where I’d left her.
I ran to her and hugged her. “Thank you, Mommy. Thank you so much.” I kept repeating.
She kissed my face in several spots and giggled. “You taste of salt. Come, you must be starving. Now you can tell me all about it over dinner.”
Days before the spring season ended, he finally allowed Mum outside with me. We sat on the same spot, holding hands. “It’s beautiful, ain' it?” I asked.
“Gorgeous,” she said while staring at the water.
“Are you really falling in love with him, Mum? I’m so confused. You’ve changed so much. I need to know the truth.”
“Ha! No. Of course not, Killian. Everything I’ve been doing… It’s been for this day. It’s the only way I could get him to let us out here, together.” For a long time, she stared at the sea, and I at her.
“You promise?”
That’s when she turned her eyes to me. “Yes, Killian. I promise. Us Keenans are known to only fall down the rabbit hole of love once. That’s why all your uncles and aintins avoided the hell out of it and accepted being engaged to strangers. It’s dangerous.”
I wrinkled my eyebrows not understanding half of what she was saying.
“Falling in love, honey.” She cupped my cheek. “Falling in love is dangerous. It’s like that tide coming in. It can drown you.”
“But love is good right? That’s why you like all those romantic movies?”
“Love is the best thing you’ll ever feel in your life but you have to be careful not to end up like Romeo and Juliet.”
“Those were two gobshites. And that priest.” I shook my head while Mum laughed hard.
“Seriously, what the feck. He had one job.”
“You’re a riot, Killian.” As her laugher calmed, she adds, “Yeah, that’s the thing about love though, it makes you stupid.”
Months after the Massacre
As Uncle and Mum acted more and more like a normal family, I felt I was losing something very important. Pretending was tearing me away from who I used to be, making me forget, confusing me as to what was real or not.
She’d go shopping a lot to buy clothes for herself and for me, then she’d plant new flowers or just read romance novels by the pool.
“Isn’t it amazing, Killian?” she asked when I walked up to her one day.
She was lying on a pool bed, the sun slowly pinkening her skin and adding a glow to her tan.
I’d never seen her skin look like that. She wore a white hat with a giant brim.
She was radiant, like a model who belonged on a fancy magazine.
“Here, no one knows who we are. No one cares. As long as we have money, no one will bother us. It’s good, isn’t it? ”
I studied her, but I couldn’t see her eyes because she was wearing big fancy sunglasses. At the store when she’d bought them, she said she liked them because they made her look like Jackie O. I had no idea who that was, but the name stuck with me.
Again, there was that uncertainty. Was she pretending?
So, we had to hide who we were to be treated fairly?
I liked being an Irish Traveller. I was proud of what her family had been and how we’d lived before he killed them.
How long was I going to have to hide the truth?
Who did I have to hide this from? Everyone but her?
“It’s nice, Mum. But when do we go back hom—”
“Shh… Killian!” she chastised, scanning the area with urgency.
I didn’t know what the fuck she was looking for.
“Killian… come here.” She extended her arms, wiggling her fingers, calling me.
When I stepped into her space, she kissed my forehead and hugged me.
I loved that my head fit into the crook of her neck and the way her arms could wrap around my body and somehow make me feel same and at home no matter where we really were.
“I—We can have a better life here, honey. We don’t have to worry anymore.
Don’t you like it here? He’s softened up hasn’t he?
Now we can go out, do whatever we want. Look how beautiful.
” I turned to what she was pointing to—the pool, gardens, and rocks before the ocean view.
“But I thought—Don’t you want to get out of here, Mum?”
“Yes, of course I do, honey, but…” She seemed at a loss for words. “This is our new home, and it’s a beautiful, safe, warm, loving home.”
Safe? My eyes bugged out. The word had shocked me silent.
My entire body rang like a church bell. If I could, I wouldn’t spend one more minute in that house.
What the hell was happening to her? Was she losing her mind?
Was this even my mother? I took a step back to confirm that what was before me was real.
“Oh, there you are.” His voice startled me.
For the first time since I’d initially seen him, he looked truly happy, almost to the point of goofiness.
“Look what I got.” He rushed to the pool bed on the other side of Mum’s and sat.
He kissed her while pretending I was not there, ignoring me, so I lay on the pool bed next to hers.
Suddenly, all Mum’s attention was on him, and I didn’t exist anymore.
I’d been once again shoved into the cold, dark side of the moon.
He handed her the paper. After a few seconds of reading, a short squeal shot out of her, and as she bounced on the chair and giggled.
He cupped her face and kissed her. His tongue slipped into her mouth.
I was so disgusted, I turned my head away while grimacing, resisting gagging.
It was the first time I’d seen him do that.
I was surprised Mum didn’t fight him or stop him, and I wondered what to do.
Should I hit him? Pull him away from her?
She’d never cheated on Da. Was this her pretending so we could have new privileges?
“Go buy a wedding dress today. We’ll get married tomorrow at sunset.”