Chapter 7 My Angel, My Heaven
The letter of the day is H. H is for heaven.
With the medicine the doctors prescribed, I slept too deep for the voices to keep me awake but as soon I’d open my eyes, they would start blabbering.
After being dropped off too early by the chauffeur, I always sat on the stone banisters below the gargoyles of the Gothic structure that was our fancy international school.
I didn’t mind being alone for a couple of hours because it gave me time to sit outside, trying to hear the breeze, birds, anything natural, but it was all muffled.
In that time, I was at peace, far and safe from the big bad wolf.
Why haven’t you killed him yet? You need to kill him. Kill him.
Stab him in his sleep.
I pictured stabbing him in the eye. What would Mum do? Would she grieve for him? Or would she get over his death as fast as she did Da? Nah... If I stabbed his eye he might survive and then he’d surely kill me or lock me in a nuthouse for the rest of my life.
You know you want to. Kill him. Burn the house down with him in it.
Make it look like an accident.
One by one, the other students slowly showed up. I wouldn’t move until the teachers opened the doors to the building for everyone to walk in.
Kill him. Tonight. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
That’s where I was when I first saw her—Magdalena Michaelson.
How the sun glistened in her black hair and the wind picked up her loose strands caught my eye.
I couldn’t understand what I was gawking at.
At the time, the words to describe the beauty I was witnessing didn’t exist in my vocabulary.
I had to settle for the simple word—pretty.
Much later in life, I’d learn the definitions to more accurate descriptions, such as mesmerizing, intoxicating, or incomprehensible.
Each of those terms reminded me of that moment, and her beauty sparkled like a cut diamond in the sun.
Wow… So pretty. Pretty Wow.
Wow… Wow… Alainn. So alainn.
Even at my age, I knew it wasn’t normal the way everything slowed down. It made me wonder if I was hallucinating again.
Beautiful. Magical. Wow… She looks happy.
Beautiful. Wow… Wow… Wow…
At the first sight of her smile, my ears popped, and suddenly, I heard the world so clearly. The sounds were no longer muffled, and there were no muttering voices in my mind.
God, I had missed being free of them so much.
No one could possibly understand how much I missed clearly hearing birds chirping, bugs buzzing, and the breeze tickling the trees, forcing them to dance and sing that amazing sound. Whoooosh.
On the front lawn, ten steps down from where I sat, kids gathered, talked, giggled, and played, and I could hear it all to the fullest for the first time in years.
The relief indescribable, tears filled my eyes and distorted my view of her.
I wanted to soak it all in and take it with me.
Please, God, don’t let them come back. Please.
I scanned the area for anyone who’d noticed the world had changed, but as usual, I was on my own. Only, this time, this seemed to be a good experience, one I was enjoying, not terrified of.
The minute I saw it, I knew I’d never forget it.
I recognized the smile on her face as something the sun envied.
Its familiarity drew my own as if I’d seen it before or known it in a different lifetime.
I couldn’t remember how long it had been since I’d genuinely smiled about something good and beautiful.
But she wasn’t looking at me. It was directed at the intimidatingly tall and built man who’d walked to school with her, holding her hand.
He was probably her father. I didn’t care how scary he appeared to be.
Already, I knew she was worth me risking my life.
I’d never seen anything that beautiful. She spread her arms, and he gladly embraced her, then picked her up, swaying with her while smiling, making her laugh. I was relieved to see and know that he loved her and that she was content, like I had been in my golden days.
Maybe it was because I didn’t pay that much attention to people, but I’d never seen so much genuine happiness before.
They were saying their goodbyes. As he walked away, he turned to her and waved to her a few times more, making her chuckle again before she redirected her attention toward the building.
I knew all her happiness had been genuine because the smile stayed on her face long after he left.
Unlike everyone else, she didn’t have a drop of shame at the affection they’d just displayed.
She was laser focused, walking toward the big wooden front doors as if she herself was going to open them.
Her shoulders were pulled back, and her eyes straight ahead.
I was sure the only reason none of the pests in the school teased her was because they didn’t know her.
They crowded the entrance as the principal opened the doors.
She climbed the many steps into the building, passed me, then when she walked in, the world returned to its usual speed as if I’d just dropped out of a wormhole.
“Hang onto her, to the one you’ll give this ring to,” Nana repeated to me, or maybe I was just remembering her saying it.
I couldn’t tell the difference because her voice was so real, as if she was sitting right next to me whispering it into my ear.
Then the other voices crowded and muffled out all the other sounds of the world around me.
My Love.
Mine.
Love of my life.
My love.
My aingeal.
While I pictured the girl’s face giggling, they spoke over each other. It was as if they were savage animals who’d been freed from cages. They were all eager to say something.
I’ll never forget you. Everything.
Best friend. Everything.
Meant to be. You must be mine. Everything.Meant to be.
Everything. Take her and run. Everything. Must protect her.
MINE.
Having them rush back into my mind, crowding it, after tasting the peacefulness of their absence, was overwhelming and flustering.
Although I was practically alone, I felt claustrophobic.
I stopped breathing while hugging my legs to my chest, resting my forehead on my knees and praying they’d calm down and that the sudden headache would go away.
There was no way of knowing how long it had been, but everyone had already walked in.
“You okay, Killian?” Madame Lavigne’s voice was muffled but still startled me. In trying to find a way to escape them, I had not even noticed her walk out of the building to me. “Killian?”
I nodded to reassure her and, with much haste, jumped off the banister and ran inside while ignoring the headache and dizziness.
I rushed through two halls before finding her.
She’d just turned a corner. Seeing her ahead of me, calmed my desperation and craving to have my brain yanked out and hammered back to normal.
I squeezed my eyes shut at the vibrating pain.
She was walking slowly, searching every door with a paper in her hand, lost. I leaned against a wall, admiring her. The school bell rang.
“Killian…” Madame Lavigne called, so I turned around and marched to class, hoping I wouldn’t vomit and/or faint from the headache. In my chair, I sat holding my head, pressing and massaging my temples, out of breath.
“What’s wrong with you now, fuck face?” Mael asked, and some of his friends chuckled, but I ignored them.
There was too much happening. The voices were out of control like never before.
Get her back.
I tried to calm my breathing and focus on one thing so that maybe they’d shut up.
I miss her.
Go back. Miiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss her.
Go back to her.
We miss her.
FuccccckkkkkkkkK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shut up! Shut up! I screamed in my mind at them. It was so real that after, I scanned the class checking to see if I had indeed screamed, but, thank God, I hadn’t.
Go back. Where is she?
What if something happens to her?
There are monsters everywhere.
Don’t let them take her away! How can you do this? Go back to her.
The big bad wolf will eat her.
I didn’t hear when the door closed, when the teacher walked in, or when the school bell rang for the last time.
It did help a little bit that all the other students grew silent, waiting for our teacher to start the class, but I still had my head down, sometimes opening my eyes to the darkness created by my arms.
“Today, we have a new student in our class, and I expect everyone to treat her with kindness and respect,” Madame Lavigne announced in French. “This is Magdalena Michaelson.”
At the sound of a new student, I lifted my head.
It was everything I wanted yet I couldn’t believe it.
No way! She stood with her shoulders back, her chin up, right next to our teacher and her big desk at the front of the classroom.
The door was just closing. The world gradually emerged from the dark fog.
My heart had stopped rushing because of the running and continued because she was right there.
Scanning the room, there were several places she could sit but I closed my eyes and prayed to God with all my heart that she would end up sitting in the empty chair right in front of me.