Chapter 10 Into her Arms
The warmth of the sun on my face woke me.
My forehead wrinkled when I slid my naked leg across the mattress, searching for the coolness.
Wait a minute, I never go to bed naked. Even my underwear was gone.
I turned over and found my pajamas and underwear neatly folded on top of the comforter at the opposite corner of the bed. What the hell happened?
As I climbed off, I massaged my chest, which was tighter than usual.
I attempted to take deep breaths as I slowly continued toward the bathroom.
The bones around my belly, thighs, and butt were all dislocated or at least that’s what it felt like.
Every step sent a thunder of pain up my back.
Drops trailed down my legs, but I had no idea what it was.
In the bathroom, I turned on the shower, then waited for the water to heat up.
With my hand on my chest, I leaned back against the wall, struggling to stay upright.
The steam accumulated, helping to alleviate the tightness and numb all the pain.
I guessed I’d caught a cold, but why was the water falling from my body reddish then pink?
“Killian?” Mum called from the other side of the door.
“Be right out.” Despite the extreme exhaustion making every step a struggle, I hurried out with an oversized towel wrapped around my waist, and my hair dripping wet. At least, after such a hot shower, I felt clean. “Yeah, Mum?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, of course. Why?” I didn’t know why I felt I had just lied to her.
“You’re late for school. I was worried you were sick.”
Panic hit me. “Wait. I’m late? How late?” I scanned my room as if I could gain back the time I’d lost with her if I found it somewhere close.
She turned her wrist to look at her watch. “Two hours.”
“What the feck? Mum!” Her eyes widened a little, surprised at my reaction but I didn’t care.
“I can’t miss school. Why didn’t you come sooner?
” The idea of not seeing Magdalena on a Friday of all days, was so devastating that I couldn’t hide how worried I was.
I rushed to my closet and grabbed the first thing I could find.
“What? It’s not that much of a big deal, Killian. It’s just one day. We can go somewhere nice just the two of us, like we did last year, remember?”
“I don’t want to go anywhere nice! I want to go to school!
” I screamed while sinking my legs into some black bristés, then saw the hurt in her eyes even though she tried to hide it.
God, what did she expect from me? She’d mostly ignored my existence all year long and chose the worst day to do otherwise.
Still, I hated hurting Mum, so I gathered my rage and panic and, in an almost inaudible volume, repeated, “I have to go to school, Mum. Okay?”
Her stare was blank and her mouth fell slightly open, but she eventually nodded.
It was the fastest I’d ever dressed, then at full speed I ran past Mum with my backpack bouncing on my shoulders, down to the front of the house where the chauffeur would usually be, but he wasn’t.
“Feck!” I cussed. Now how would I get to see her?
I paced, thinking I should run to the school, but it was a bit too far away for that.
I noticed too late that my breath was too slow and the dizziness it.
Mum appeared at the door, dressed, holding keys and her purse when I was trying to catch my breath while leaning my back against the wall.
“Let’s go,” she said. I almost asked her if she’d lost her mind since she’d never driven a car, but there wasn’t time for any of that.
We rushed to the garage. She turned on the first car that opened and drove slowly since she’d never driven in her life. I had to bite my tongue because I wished she’d drive ten times faster, but at the same time, she was trying to help me.
When she parked across from the school, I stared at the building, knowing Magdalena was in there waiting for me.
I’m coming, my angel. A wave of relief swept over me.
I turned to Mum. “Thank you.” I didn’t know what else I could say to erase the hurtful words I’d yelled at her earlier. God, it made me feel like crap.
“It’s okay, Killian.” She nodded. “Go ahead. Have fun.” I lifted my eyes to hers. “Really. I’m glad to see you looking forward to something, especially school of all things.”
“Maybe we should talk some day after school?” I proposed. It had been so long since I’d tried to get Mum’s attention or love. Her reaching out to me like that had become foreign. We hardly existed in the same universe.
“I’d love that,” she said, with a sadness that stabbed at my heart. Had I been wrong? Had I ultimately abandoned her?
“Bye, Mum.” I unlocked the door and peeked back at her.
“Bye, Killian. Je t'aime. Passe une bonne journée.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes at the French and responded to her in our language. “Is breá liom tú freisin.”
With the note I’d written for her crumbled in my fist, I walked through the space between the two rows of sitting students and placed it on her desk.
Sorry, I’m late. I missed you so much.
–K
When the teacher turned away to write something on the board, Magdalena allowed her note to fall over her shoulder onto my desk.
I thought I would have to spend the day and weekend without you. Three days! It was going to be a very sad dark day, Killian. You scared me. –M
I’m sorry. I woke up late, somehow missed my alarm clock and all. You smell like true love.
–K
Glad you’re not sick and that you could make it. The sun’s much brighter now, did you see?
–M
It was only then, when Magdalena forgave me for being late, that all the pain and nausea and dizziness rolled back into me like a wave and almost knocked me out.
My whole body was covered in a thin layer of sweat.
I lowered my head to my arms flat on the desk.
How had I never noticed how stout our chairs were? Jesus... everything hurt.
I felt the big hands, turn my naked cold body over. “I finally get to have you, my little prince,” whispered a man. His breath swept across the lining of my ear.
“Killian? Have you taken out your notebook?” Madame Dubois’ voice startled me awake and I’d never been so grateful to be woken as in that second. She glared at me and only relaxed once she saw me unzip my backpack.
For the rest of the day, I was drained of energy, with a little bit of an underlying headache and nausea.
Every time I tried to take a deep breath, my chest hurt, but I dismissed it as just needing more rest. I couldn’t wait for recess to relax, maybe drink a lot of water.
The worst part was the soreness down there.
“Killian?” Magdalena’s voice was coming from so far away, soft and breathy.
Her palm caressed the side of my face. Slowly, I came back to the land of living and found her face above mine, with branches full of magnolias behind her and a clear sky much further up.
A smile pulled at one side of my mouth at the vista of her.
What a sight to wake to. How many times had I dreamed of spending all night and day with her, having a slumber party, the two of us together, knowing all that was impossible?
This was the closest I’d get to waking next to her.
“Angel…” I whispered and smiled.
“Are you feeling better?” she asked.
God, she’d already figured me out. I had hoped I’d been a good enough actor to fool her into thinking I was just fine.
“I feel great now, waking to your lovely eyes and hair…” I raised my hand, cupping her cheek.
She couldn’t help but smile. “You’re so beautiful.
For a few seconds, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. ”
“Stop. You’re going to make me blush again.”
I smiled because it was too late, her cheeks were on fire. “More perfection in such a perfect creature.”
“Come on, Shakespeare, the bells are about to ring, and you’ve eaten nothing at all.”
“Ughh.” I grimaced. “I don’t want to eat anything.”
“Killian…” she whined, with worry wrinkling between her eyebrows. “What is going on with you? You have to eat something. Come on…”
“Alright, Angel. You found me out, okay? I think I’m getting sick. I’m super thirsty though.”
“Well, here. Drink from my water bottle.”
“No.” I gently pushed her bottle away as I sat up. “I don’t want to give you whatever I caught.”
“Just drink it. I’ll buy another one if I get thirsty later.”
I arched my neck, gulping down the water until there was none left.
“You… better?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I lied. Now my belly felt like a fish tank, too full.
The steadiness of the world was off, as if I were on a carnival ride that was about to go upside down.
I placed the bottle on the grass next to me, grabbed her shoulders, and pulled her to lay on the ground with me, where I felt physically safer.
She shrieked and giggled, and I wrapped my arm around her so she would rest her cheek on my chest, loving the weight of her on me, steadying the world for me.
God, this day sucks. “I’m in love with you.” The words made her giggle because I spilled them to her on the daily.
“Everyone is in love with me,” she joked, and shrugged, forcing my mouth to widen into the biggest smile, on the verge of laughing.
“You have everyone under your spell, don’t you? Like a little witch?”
“Absolutely.”
I couldn’t help it anymore and ended up chuckling, but then the weakening need for her to reciprocate the words stabbed my heart. “Stop torturing me and tell me what I need to hear, Angel. You know I need to hear you say it.”
She turned over, her chin digging into my ribcage right above my heart. I lifted my head with my palms so I could meet her gaze.
“Oh, and what is that?” she teased again, turning the knife in my heart. It was so cruel of her, but she looked so cute killing me.
“Feeling evil today, huh?” I bit into my bottom lip, then allowed it to pop free of the bite.
“You’re gonna make me beg?” I exaggerated my pathetic desperation by giving her puppy eyes.
But the little coldhearted creature stared at me in silence.
“Is this ’cause I was late?” She was such a playful, evil little thing.
A brief, slight smile lifted the corners of her lips and eyes.
There was no answer to my probing question either. Nothing. Fuck. What do I have to do?
She was shamelessly enjoying this. She knew she was killing me by denying me the comforting reassurance I needed on the daily.
No one can love us.
She doesn’t love us. She never will.
It hurts.
Please love me! Please love me!
No. We can’t lose her.
Angel!
Her eyes studied mine though, in that way she dug into my soul, then they lowered, and I could tell she was counting my freckles.
Not even three years after meeting could she stop herself from moving her lips as she counted them.
I smiled. “I can’t wait to marry you, my angel.
Then you’ll be forever mine. Only mine.” At the time, I had fooled myself into believing once we said our vows to each other, I wouldn’t need her to reassure me of her love as much.
The ceremony would be magical and make me feel some physical attachment to her, like two neighboring galaxies connected by a wormhole.
The first school bell rang. “I do love you, Killian Oster.”
“You waited ’til the last minute? You little cailleach.
” I pretended to be angry with her, but it only made her giggle as we picked up our things.
“Bad, evil witch. Do you know what those minutes were to me? They were years!” Her giggling only got louder.
“You’re going to kill me one day.” I chased her back toward the building, hiding the fact that I felt I was about to have a heart attack.
She gained a lot of space, way ahead of me, and on occasion, peeked back, still smiling.
To her, it was a game, there was no way for her to know how much the dread of abandonment stabbed at me.
The pain was worth it because it made her giggle.
Above anything else, that’s all that mattered.
The wind lifted her long hair, wrapping it around her cheek. As the world slowed for me, I recorded the image of her in my mind, the knowledge that she would one day be the death of me cemented with it.
Good. I wanted to die for her, with her, no other way.
All weekend, I felt weak and nauseous. I thought I was recuperating by Sunday night, but then on Monday, all the symptoms returned much worse. I had no way of knowing what was going on.
Despite this new sickness, the next day, I hurried into her arms at the top of the stairs.
I noticed I needed her more and more each day, as if I were losing control of my obsession.
Instead of meeting her at the bench for lunch like always, I’d follow her everywhere.
I couldn’t handle a minute apart from her.
I had a feeling I’d done something awful, but I couldn’t pinpoint what, or why the guilt didn’t go away unless she was right next to me.