7. Lachlan
7
Lachlan
“ H e was just…trying to help.” I talked to my pipe. “Probably thinks I’m a freak now.”
I’d only meant to have a few drags, enough to get me through the rest of the day, but when I’d looked at my watch, I realized art class had already started and, well, it would be disrespectful to interrupt it at this point.
So, I sat at the foot of a tree at the edge of the school property. “The sticks” was what most of the students called it. It was just a spot to sit for me. Peering up at the leaves of the trees as they swayed in the wind, I could feel myself drifting. If I pulled the smoke in deep enough, I could forget things that should be forgotten. But at times, I remembered what I’d lost.
Like what it was like to be hugged. Truly hugged. It was an odd thought, but it flitted through my mind as if Nolan squeezing my arms reminded me of it. My parents tried, though I could feel their unease around me, like they weren’t exactly sure how to handle things. They didn’t know who I was anymore. That meant the last person to truly hug me was Bailey. Bailey girl. Bailey baby. Damn, I missed her.
It had been three years, two months, and fourteen days…maybe—I wasn’t sure, exactly—but that seemed about right. We were leaning against the fence, watching her new horse that had been let out in the pasture. The thing had been kicking up a storm as it ran around, flipping its mane here and there.
I didn’t know what caused the panic attack at that moment. I’d only been having attacks since spring break, and they’d been erratic, with no apparent trigger. I was fourteen and was fighting to breathe deeply enough to allow my brain to process my current state. In the early days of the panic attacks, I’d thought if I could just slow down and let my brain think it through, I would see that there was no logical reason to be feeling this way. But it never worked.
Bailey…that’s what had worked at that moment. At first, she was confused, but then she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me tight. She tucked my head under her chin and just kept saying it was okay, over and over. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. She had no idea what had happened, but she never questioned it. She just took care of me, like she always had. And, within minutes, I just came out of it. That was the last time someone had hugged me that way. Nolan had come close today, though, and that same sense of ease had washed over me.
I took another tug of my pipe and slowly let it out before cleaning up and putting my stuff away. Another glance at my watch told me it was lunchtime. I pulled out a muffin I had swiped from Bailey this morning and began eating it.
Tomorrow. I would try to reset myself for tomorrow. And I would be more fucking vigilant about it. No more girls sneaking up on me.
For the rest of the day, I drifted, this way and that. If I could drift, then I would lift, and if I would lift, then I could fly. When I flew, I was out of here, free. That’s what everyone wanted, right? To be free. Free from constraints, from thoughts, from expectations, from failure. I drifted to fly, so flying was what I did. Avoiding my feet touching the ground. Avoiding any forms of physical contact or connection as I made my way through classes. If anyone stared at me, I was too high to notice.
At some point, I woke up on the school bus. I rubbed a hand over my face and glanced out the window as Cloverton came into view. It wasn’t the first time I’d flown through my classes, and I didn’t chastise myself, because I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I took the bus because I knew my limit, and I wouldn’t harm anyone else while using my coping mechanism.
My phone pinged with a message.
Sis: Can you walk me?
I quickly typed out.
Me: Yeah, here, now.
The bus stopped at the elementary school, ready to pick up out-of-town kids and drop off in-town kids. I got off and waited for my sister. Gracie was in her last year of elementary school, and despite the age gap, we were close. Our relationship was a lot better than the one I had with my older brother, and I’d worked hard to make it that way.
Gracie came running out of the door as soon as the bell rang. She looked just like my dad—red hair and blue eyes, freckles under her eyes and over her nose. She used to hate her freckles, but I taught her to embrace the ginger within.
Suddenly, she was being followed by two boys her age. One was a pudgy little boy I didn’t know, and the other I knew because she’d had problems with him last year. She ran right to me, tucking herself under my arm and turning to face the boys.
Much like with Bailey, it didn’t bother me to have physical contact with Gracie. I was protective over both of them. I just didn’t show it with Bailey. I was glad I was high because her behavior had me on high alert, and I wouldn’t be able to handle the darkness at its fullest.
I looked around at the teachers and parents picking up their little kids, and of course no one seemed to notice what was happening. No one ever saw the victims until it was too late. “Is there a problem, Grace?” I asked, still keeping my eyes on the boys, who stopped chasing her the moment they saw me.
“No,” she mumbled.
I narrowed my eyes at the kids, their faces turning pale. Deciding now wasn’t the time or place, I led her away. We were well down the street before she stepped away from me. “That was the kid from last year, wasn’t it?”
“Josh, yeah. His cousin came to our school this year.” Gracie, who was a nonstop chatterbox, wasn’t talking much, which made me suspicious.
I looked up at the town square coming into view, thinking it was a good day for ice cream. “Come on.” I led her into Heckles Ice Cream parlor, and her face lit up. She didn’t have to ask, and I didn’t have to tell her to get whatever she wanted. She stepped up and ordered her favorite scooped ice cream with gummy worms, mint chips, nuts, and red cherries. She always went for the fresh cherries, never the candied ones. I got a strawberry shake, and we sat in the booth by the front window; it was our favorite place to people watch.
“Mrs. Calister got a new dog,” she said, pointing across the road to the flower shop. “He’s so cute, she keeps him in the shop with her all day. I took him for a walk yesterday.”
“Is it a chihuahua or something? That thing is a rat,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes at me.
“It’s a teacup yorkiedoo. It’s cute , but in the park, you have to be careful because she said big birds will try to take it away.”
I laughed at the image she was painting. Taking another sip of my strawberry shake, I leaned forward. “What happened today?”
“Josh and Colton wouldn’t leave me alone, and Brit started siding with them because she really likes Josh.”
Damn, Brit was Gracie’s best friend.
I sat back. “What were they doing?”
“Calling me demon spawn .” I smiled, and Grace kicked me under the table. “It’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry, you’re right.”
“They said I didn’t have a soul. And they were pulling my hair, so I took the braid out at lunch. Brit was jealous because she thinks they were doing it because they like me.”
My smile disappeared. “Yeah, but you know that’s not true, right? Boys who hurt you don't like you. They are mean little pricks who will get their asses kicked by your brother, who loves you. Right?”
She rolled her eyes at me. I’d been repeating the same mantra to her for years. Curses to anyone who said boys are mean to girls because they love them. “Yes, Lachlan, I know.”
“Like, love, whatever you call it, it doesn’t hurt. That’s a lie. Those boys are insecure. Don’t give them your attention, and if they touch you again, and you don’t think you can handle it, you come to me. I’ll handle it.”
Her eyes went wide, no doubt thinking about my conviction. Gracie didn’t know the full story, not many did. She did know that I had hurt someone. I didn’t like that I had lost control—I’d promised myself I’d never do that again—but if it meant protecting Grace, I would burn down the whole damn town.