15. Chase
15
Chase
I sat on my balcony as I watched Hadley and Derek flirting in the hot tub below. They had been getting closer the last few weeks…could I blame her, though? I had been pulling away more and more.
Even now, as I sat here, all I could think about was Bailey. Why? Why now? Why was she only now letting me in? Opening up? Talking to me, reaching out to me? I was pissed off. What right did she have? Not only did I lose Bailey years ago, but also Ethan, and then Lachlan just stopped being there.
There were days I had begged Vince, my father, to take me on business trips with him. He’d offered boarding school, and now I realized I should’ve gone. The thing was, though, stupid, idiotic me thought if I stayed here, maybe I had a chance. Maybe Bailey would open up to me again. Maybe Ethan would listen to me and realize I never took the money over him. Maybe Lachlan would quit shutting me out. No matter what he had done, it couldn’t be worth losing our friendships over, could it?
Now I was fucking falling apart because the girl who held my heart was talking to me again. I couldn’t get over myself. I couldn’t get over the pain, and it was fucking petty, but some part of me enjoyed seeing her hurt from my rejection.
I hated myself for it, but years— years —of mentally begging for her to glance my way had passed. Of meeting her stare, only for her to quickly look away, as if merely gazing upon me disgusted her. How many times had she rejected me over the years? I had lost count.
When Hadley had latched on, had started being there for me, I’d decided it was time to move on and make new friends. Part of me knew it was my family name that attracted her, but I didn’t care. She was there for me. She was at every football game, every party. When the house was empty, she’d call a few friends over. The parties were the distraction I usually needed.
But when she and Derek started to hang out more, I felt nothing. I probably should have been jealous, angry. I probably should have roughed Derek up a little, but I couldn’t muster the interest. Seeing them together didn’t bother me, not like it did when Nolan hung off Bailey.
Touching the small of her back in the halls, pulling his arm around her, making her laugh—that fucking pissed me off. Lachlan was different. I knew she was safe with him. Was used to seeing her around him. But Nolan? Nolan had me seeing red.
I leaned forward slightly as I heard Derek say my name. Hadley looked around, not spotting me. “I have to be faithful,” she said, just loud enough for me to hear. “Our families would be so good together.” I sat back and shook my head. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard Hadley say that. In fact, her father had said the same in front of me, more than once.
I nearly scoffed. They had no idea.
Once I was eighteen, I would be out, and my father reminded me of it every day. I’d been fourteen when he’d given me the ultimatum. He’d learned Ethan was secretly spending nights here. Ditch the trailer trash, or your grandfather’s inheritance is gone. Ethan had heard it; he had no idea how much I was supposed to be getting, but we all knew it was a lot. My grandfather had loved me more than his own son. Ethan left without even listening to me.
I still remembered the utter disappointment on Vince’s face when I told him where to shove the money. He had called me an ungrateful brat, that I wouldn’t amount to anything. He didn’t matter to me, though. At the time, there’d only been three people who mattered. Who I would lay down my life for. That’s what killed me so much. I’d been ready to be stripped of my inherited wealth, my name, everything that was supposed to be me, for those three people. The moment I did…the moment I put the nail in my own coffin at the gullible age of fourteen…they were gone. They left me.
I got up off the balcony and walked back into my room, pausing at the floor-length mirror to stare at myself. “Piece of shit,” I whispered. Why? Why didn’t I just tell Ethan that I hadn’t taken the money?
What was the use, though? He wouldn’t have believed me; he always saw the worst in everything and everyone. And why should I tell him? Why couldn’t he see me, know me, and know I would have his back? I may not have been the one to bring him into the group, but Ethan was my brother through and through, and I would’ve died for him.
And Lachlan. What the hell was wrong with me? I should’ve called him out on his shit right away. I didn’t care that he went to juvie for some punk-ass assault charge. Lach was my brother too. I would’ve been there for him. If he had told me, I would’ve been right there, beating whoever the asshole was to the ground with him. Then I would have sat in the same goddamn cell as him, telling him I would do it all over again. Those days spent in the visitors’ room, watching everyone else see their family or friends and sitting alone, abandoned…that cut deep.
So, when Bailey came walking into the school this year, fucking magically changed—how? How could I believe her? She’d leave me, just like they did. Just like Vince, my father, did. Jesus fucking Christ, the only person reliable was the fucking house cleaner, and that was because she was paid to be around me.
So, yeah, I pretended. I held Hadley’s fucking hand, the one she probably jerked Derek off with, and I pretended whatever the hell she wanted. That we were high school sweethearts. That we were the fucking golden couple. Whatever it took to get through another day. Yes, I was a pathetic piece of shit because I would rather settle for someone who couldn’t care less about me than be alone.
Had Hadley really thought that I wouldn’t notice her eye fucking Derek? That I wouldn’t notice she only held my hand during public events or only kissed me to stake a claim? Did she not even care that I no longer fucked her?
I made my way down the steps, through the house, and to the side door that led to the pool house. Walking to the bar, I grabbed a beer, making sure to loudly open and close the pool house door as I went outside toward the hot tub. They sat farther apart than they had been, and Derek was covering his mouth.
I shook my head as I put the beer to my lips and took a long swing.
“Where’s mine?” Derek asked.
“In the fridge.” I slipped into the hot water as Derek stood up and left for the pool house. I tried my best to ignore them and allow the heat to relax my aching muscles from the day's practice. I stared at Hadley while she watched Derek with lust-filled eyes. “I don’t even know why I put up with him,” I said, just to get some sort of reaction from her.
At least she had the decency to blush when she realized she had been caught ogling. “He’s your best friend.”
Best friend? I wanted to laugh at that. Instead, I rolled my eyes and took a swig of beer. I hated the taste but liked the numb feeling of getting drunk, especially when in such company. Neither of them knew what a best friend was.
“Derek is under a lot of pressure, go easy on him. You know what his parents are like,” she continued.
I knew what his parents were like? His dad worked in a courthouse and, despite being present, was raising a delinquent asshole. So, yeah, Derek’s dad was hard on him, but at least he was there. “Hadley?” I wanted to tell her to leave, to get out of my face, but I couldn’t bring myself to finally fucking end it. Somehow, every time I tried, she ended up begging, and I fell for it, not wanting another person to be alone.
“Yes?” Hadley pushed. She moved over to me, pressing her body against mine, her hand on my chest. It did nothing for me. And then, suddenly, I wanted her to stay, wanted her touches to mean something. I wanted to feel something other than this ache in my chest spreading as emptiness consumed me. And more than anything, I wished she would fill it. She was my last hope.
I deflated at that last realization. Hadley was my last hope…and yet I felt hopeless whenever she was around. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.
“You look stressed,” Hadley purred in my ear. It just annoyed me more, hollowing me. “Is this about Farm Girl?”
I frowned, a flicker of…something taking space in my chest. “No, it’s not.” I pushed Hadley away gently. Derek returned with his beer, slipping back into the water.
“It totally is. It was a harmless joke,” she whined. I hated it when she whined. I found nothing cute about it; it only caused pressure to build behind my eyes.
“What, Bailey?” Derek asked, tipping his bottle up to his lips and taking a large gulp. “I heard she’s working to break you up.”
Why? Why was he adding fuel to the fire? Bailey didn’t care about Hadley and me. More importantly, Bailey didn’t give a shit about me .
“Told you,” Hadley said, pouting. “I just wanted to give her a little shake up to get her to stop coming for us. I did it for us.”
I shook my head. I should call her out on it. I should defend Bailey, but I didn’t have it in me. “Stay away from her.”
“It’s not fair. She—”
“Enough,” I snapped. “You stepped on her hand, Hadley. She’s a player on the team, a running back. You’re lucky you didn’t fucking break anything! You put the team at risk.” Coward . That wasn’t why I was angry with her actions. She hurt Bailey. I didn’t find out about the hand until later in the day, but when I’d seen Bailey in class, she was hurt because of that hat. The damn hat she’d made me win for her. It was a cheap thing, and yet it was so clear how much she treasured it. Fuck , that shouldn’t make my dead heart start acting up…should it?
No, it shouldn’t, because anything with Bailey was a dead end. Filled with betrayal and abandonment.
“She made me cry today,” Hadley whimpered, trying to go for the sympathy card.
I scoffed and took a long swig of my beer. Hadley wasn’t getting my sympathy; she never would.
Derek moved closer to her, placing a hand on her back to comfort her. “It wasn’t just Hadley. A few were in on it. It was just fun,” Derek said, defending her.
I looked him in the eye, my face void of emotion. “Bailey is off-limits. Understood? Fuck with her again, and I will deal with you myself.”
“What the hell, man? I thought you hated her.” Derek was in disbelief.
“I knew it.” Hadley’s bottom lip quivered. “I knew you had a thing for her.”
“Almost like when you and Derek flirt when you think I’m not looking?” I shot back.
She didn’t even miss a beat. “Ha, now you’re trying to turn it around on me just because you got caught? Seriously.” Hadley stood. “I’m so done with being gaslit. This is ridiculous.”
No, wait, stop. The words were weak in my mind, a whisper dripping with sarcasm as Hadley stomped out of the backyard and to the pool house. I drowned them out with another swig of beer.
“I better give her a ride,” Derek said.
I laughed, so much hatred and disdain bubbling out of me. “Haven’t you already, though?”
“You can be a real asshole sometimes.” He shook his head as he went after her. Whatever.
Then they were gone.
I sat in the emptiness of the hot tub, which sat in the emptiness of the back patio, holding on to the emptiness of my beer bottle. I couldn’t do this much longer, because all too soon, everything around me would be gone. What happens when even your emptiness leaves you?
Standing, I walked toward the pool house to get another beer but stopped and changed course as my eyes landed on the pool. I stumbled over, probably not in the best condition for a swim but needing one all the same. I made it a few laps, back and forth the length of the pool, before I stopped in the deep end, treading water. The yard was dark now—black, almost—except for the pool lights illuminating the water around me. Surrounded by darkness but not quite, as if this was the tiny shred of light I was holding on to.
I grabbed the ladder and used it to pull myself under the water, holding myself there so I wouldn’t float up. I was standing on the bridge, staring down at the rapids below, watching the water bend and weave around and over the sharp rocks. That was when I saw her. Bailey. Fuck, how much I dreaded saying her name out loud. As if it would be my undoing. It almost had been…that first day of school. Her name had hovered over the tip of my tongue, and I knew if I so much as whispered it, I would’ve broken right there in front of her. Spilling myself before her and in front of everyone. Vince’s contempt for showing emotional weakness was the only thing that kept me strong.
Feeling the pressure in my head, building in my lungs, I pulled myself up, out of the water. Gasping.
That day on the bridge, Bailey had her hair in one long braid down her back. I had been there because I was ready to stop the emptiness, stop its consumption… Ready to let go of the railing and tip over into the rapids below. No one would second-guess. It wouldn’t be the first time a kid fell into that river and got swept away. We had been reminded to be careful of it our entire childhood. But then…she had worn her hair in a braid that day. Why? Why did it bother me so?
I took another breath of the night air before pulling myself under the water.
Bailey was walking by, hair in a braid, head down and so drawn into herself, but…she saw me. She stopped and looked directly at me, and I saw her take a breath and hold it. Hold it as if she were holding on to me, and for just a moment, I thought there was something there, something that passed between us. I let go of the railing, but…I didn’t tip over. Instead, I stepped back from it. When her amber eyes locked on to mine, I hated how much hope filled me.
Everyone in my life could come and go, and it would do nothing to me. But this girl, my Bailey girl, she could crush my soul with a single glance or breathe life back into me with a mere whisper. Bailey opened her mouth, as if to say something to me, but then her eyes widened in fear. Why? What was she scared of?
I let go of the ladder and frantically swam up, realizing I’d held myself under a little too long. I sucked in the night air. Her fear was the reason I’d shown up to school this year. I’d wanted to know, needed to know, but when she walked up to me, it was the last thing I had expected. And before I knew it, all this pain and hate came rushing forward. It took everything in me not to take it out on her.
I pulled myself out of the water and walked back into the house. I knew why I’d come back to school. The only thing I didn’t understand now was why I stayed.
Everyone always claimed they wanted some massive mansion of a house. If only they knew…how quiet it was, how empty it felt. No matter how many times I tried to fill the spaces with random shit, spending as much of my father’s money as I could before I was cut off, it still felt empty. No matter how many parties I threw, how many mindless nobodies I invited over in an attempt to fill the void, it was still empty. This, them, it wasn’t living; they weren’t friends. Everything was just…empty.
I stripped the moment I got into my room and pulled on a pair of grey sweats. I went to my closet to grab a shirt and stared at it , the tips of my fingers and toes numb and tingling. My vision fuzzy as my breathing slowed down. There was an ache that settled deep in my chest.
No matter how long I stared at the bright yellow noose that hung from my closet bar, I still emotionally felt exactly how this house felt…empty. My father wouldn’t mourn. They probably wouldn’t find my body for a while, seeing as the cleaner was asked to leave my room alone. It wouldn’t be until the stench of decay slipped from my door and seeped into the hallway that she would come in and check.
Maybe he would mourn, but I knew it would be for show. Deep down, he wished I would do it. I knew he did. I wished I would too. I had no one, no one of meaning. That was the thing—money did buy friends, but those friends weren’t real. They wouldn’t fucking carry you out of the woods when you broke your ankle on a hike, then spend their entire summer hanging out with you, even though you knew they would rather be out exploring abandoned buildings. I’d had my chance at true friendship, true family, and lost it.
Enough of the self-pity. I shook my head and grabbed a shirt, slipping it on. I went to my nightstand and opened the drawer, needing to feel…something. I grabbed the neatly folded-up picture and just sat there, pressing it to my lips.
My computer pinged, and a voice came through the speaker, causing me to jump. “GreySeeker 453, you there?” Maybe, there was at least one person out there for me.
I moved to the computer and shook the mouse until the game I had been playing this morning popped up. I pulled the mic closer to me and spoke to Lachlan. “Yeah, I’m here,” I said, my voice coming out as a croak.
“You sound like shit. There’s a party of warlocks headed up to Forgotten Mountain to defeat the Hydra, wanna join?”
Lachlan didn’t know it was me he spoke with. I had found him on this game during his time in juvie; he was only allotted a certain amount on it per week for good behavior. I guess old habits die hard, because for the last three years, we have been playing it religiously. I got that he didn’t want to see me when I came to visit him, but why the fuck did he stay away from me now? Why did he ignore me after he got out? The guy couldn’t stand to be near me; he nearly jumped in his skin anytime I approached him. Was I that revolting?
So, I pretended, again, because that was all my life was at this point. One big imaginary game. I pretended to be GreySeeker, just so I could get in a few good hours with an old friend.