50. Bailey
50
Bailey
Sunday
I was up before anyone else, sitting at the dining table with a cup of tea, hoping it would calm me down. No such luck. Dad was next up, with Mom close behind. “Ethan and I will be going to the police station today, to answer a few questions,” Dad said.
“Do they want me too?” I asked.
“No. They didn’t ask for you.”
I leaned back in my chair. “It was me, Dad.”
“What?”
“Art was running at Ethan, I tackled him to the ground. He was fighting back, and that’s when Ethan hit him with the crowbar. I caused it. It was me.”
Dad shook his head. “Bailey, you’ll keep your mouth shut about it.”
“John.” My mom gasped. My dad had never talked to me in such a way.
“No, Shelly. Bailey, if you want to help that boy, you will keep your mouth shut about it all. I’ll do the rest. They won’t charge him.”
My bottom lip wobbled a little. “Promise?”
“He’s family, Boo. More now than before,” Dad said before moving to make himself a coffee.
“We’ll keep busy here,” Mom promised, but that wasn’t what I wanted to do. Was there a way to convince Ethan to shift the blame to me? Maybe if he knew I was headed to jail, anyway. She must’ve seen the forlorn look on my face, because Mom added, “I’m going to head out and finish the chores this morning, okay? Just take it easy inside today.”
Chase walked down the stairs and entered the room, his hair a mess, face still pale. “Get something to eat, son. We have an early morning. Stuff needs to get done before I have to leave,” my dad said to him.
Chase nodded and moved to the kitchen toward the coffee, using it to chase down a couple of pills.
“Is Ethan awake?” I asked.
“No. I wasn’t sure if I should wake him?” Chase asked my dad.
“He’s fine for a bit. Let’s get going.”
Chase took his coffee on the go, and Dad did the same with his tea. When Mom left to do the chores, I decided it was my chance. I had to do this now.
I walked up the stairs and paused outside the guest room, taking a moment to compose myself before silently slipping into the cool, dark room. Ethan lay on his back, sleeping still. His chest was completely bare, except for a silver cross that rested against his skin, the blanket down around his waist. The small breeze from the ceiling fan ruffled Ethan’s hair against his forehead. His face was relaxed and calm as he slept.
I walked up to the bed, reaching out to touch his arm. I meant to jostle him just a little, but instead, I found my touch lingering on his skin. His eyes opened slowly, as if he had been pretending to sleep this whole time and was waiting. He just stared at me, both of us frozen in a moment as our eyes locked.
Ethan grabbed hold of my arm, folding me into him and turning, so I now lay on the bed, looking up into his deep brown eyes. Words failed me. Should I apologize? Beg for forgiveness? Offer myself up in his place? I couldn’t bring myself to do any of it.
He held himself up on his forearm, his bare chest pressed against me. The cross now dangling between us, I reached up and held on to it. He didn’t pay any attention, though, as his eyes remained on me, soaking me in, and then his lips were on me. Mapping the curve of my lips, his tongue caressing, coaxing.
Ethan’s hand slipped up my shirt. I had no bra on because I was still in my pajamas. His rough and calloused fingers were gentle as he massaged and teased my nipple. I could feel the brush of his stomach against mine, and I wanted more, more contact with him. As I pulled my shirt up, his lips broke from mine, and he slowly helped me tug the shirt off. His head dipped down, but instead of my lips, he captured my nipple in his mouth. I gasped at the sensation as he licked and sucked, gentle and slow, taking his time. He trailed kisses up my chest and neck until he found my lips again.
Ethan pulled the blanket out from between us, so we lay up against one another, him in his boxers, me in my pajama pants. I could feel his hard length pressing into my hip, but it didn’t bother me. It didn’t scare me. This was Ethan. His fingers danced along my skin, my chest, my side, my stomach. They twirled around, exploring and mapping out my body, much like his lips did, moving from my lips now and then to kiss my jaw, cheek, earlobes, nose.
My hands did some exploring of their own, some memorizing of the soft lines of his body, the smoothness of his biceps, the softness of the hair along his chest and the trail leading down into his boxers. He paused as I slipped my hand down farther, holding his length in the palm of my hand, the girth more than I had expected.
“We don’t have to,” he whispered, breaking our silence.
“I want to.”
For a moment, clarity flashed through his eyes. “Are you taking anything?”
I nodded. “I have an implant.”
I grasped the hem of my pants and wiggled them down. Ethan followed my lead, slipping his boxers down and discarding them. At first, I was worried about the pain, because all I ever knew about this was pain.
All that worry was chased away as Ethan’s fingertips continued their exploration of my legs. My knees. Up my thighs. I was breathless and practically panting as he slowly made his way to my most sensitive part, his fingers teasingly light. He was so tender with me, it was hard to believe there would be any pain at all.
Through the fog of his teasing, I took his length in my hand again, not as gentle as he was with me. His cock pulsed with heat, the soft skin tight as it strained impressively in my hand. I tested out my grasp, moving slowly until Ethan thrust up into my hand.
He captured my lips again and shifted in the bed until he moved between my legs. I opened for him and reached up with both hands, running my nails lightly down his back while he settled his body on top of mine. It wasn’t suffocating, I wasn’t afraid, all I wanted was more. More of him on me, touching me, in me. I needed to feel him all around more than I’d ever wanted anything else in my life. My heart burst wide open for him, and as if he could feel the shift, he angled his hips before slowly pushing inside of me in one gliding movement.
A gasp left me at the sweet stretch. I held on to his shoulders as he kissed and nipped my collarbone. Every time he pulled out, I nearly whimpered at the loss of him. With each gradual thrust in, I felt a part of me come together with him. A part of me that had been torn and shredded now being nurtured and healed.
This was love making. This was tenderness. This was care. I had never experienced anything like it with Ed.
I could feel the orgasm start to climb, and as it did, Ethan’s pace quickened. His hand slipped down the side of my leg, lifting my thigh as he angled himself deeper, hitting a spot that had me biting my lip to stop myself from calling out. Ethan used one hand to brace himself, while the other hand slipped back up between us, finding my nipple and teasing it between his fingers. That was the tipping point.
“Ethan!” I gasped, finding my release. His pace became quicker, almost frenzied, until he plunged so deep into me, his cock pulsing, I was seeing stars.
“Stay here.” Ethan jumped up, pulling his boxers on. He left the room, closing the door behind him.
That was beyond anything I thought it could’ve been. All this time…Ed made it so painful, so unbearable, that I was terrified every time it had to happen. But he didn’t have to hurt me; he’d made the choice to hurt me.
I couldn’t stop the tears that slipped from my lashes.
Ethan walked in holding a cloth and closed the door quickly behind him. My eyes met his, and he rushed over, tenderly cleaning me up with the warm cloth. “Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
His eyes flashed. “I can trust you to be honest?”
“Yes.” He could trust me with anything, because I trusted him with everything.
I didn’t think I convinced him. Ethan reached out, wiping one of the tears away with his thumb.
A truth. “He hurt me so much during sex, I didn’t think it could ever feel so good,” I admitted.
Ethan relaxed, lying down next to me and pulling me onto his chest, holding me. “I’ll kill him.” His words were so tender that it lessened the intensity of the death threat. We lay like that for a while as I drew lines along his chest before he said anything more. “I have to get ready.” His voice was gravelly.
“It was me,” I said quickly.
Ethan sat back and frowned. “What?”
I grabbed my shirt, pulling it on, and looked for my pants. Ethan held them out to me. “Your father, it was me that did it.”
“Stop.”
“It was, though. It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn't gone in there,” I reasoned, my voice raising.
“Enough!” Ethan got up, gathering clothes to get dressed. “I smashed it into his head. Don’t ever think it was you.”
I walked to the edge of the bed on my knees, pleading with him to listen to me. “Just say…say I did it, because if you say it enough, it will be true.”
Now dressed, he walked up to me and held my face in his hands. “I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. I don’t care what you say. I know what happened. You saved my fucking life, B. I don’t care if I spend the rest of it locked up, I will always be grateful for you. I will always protect you, with everything inside of me.”
I could feel the tears stream down my face, but Ethan wouldn’t allow them to fall, swiping them away with his thumbs. “I don’t want you to go. I can’t let you.”
“Don’t you understand, B? The only time in my life I have ever been truly afraid was the moment you ran at him. When you took him down. I was so afraid you were going to get hurt. Never. I will never let that happen. I will always put you before me.” He kissed me, this kiss more desperate than the last.
We both went downstairs. Ethan made himself a coffee while making me a hot chocolate, just the way I liked it. I tried not to cry, frantically searching my mind for a way to fix this fucked-up mess.
Mom came back to the house just before Dad and Chase. I threw myself into my dad’s arms, probably looking like a real mess. If I begged my dad, would he make sure Ethan would be safe?
“It’s okay, Boo,” Dad whispered to me. “I’ll take care of him. We’ll be back for dinner.”
I nodded, not able to say any words. They left. I didn’t want to give Ethan a hug goodbye—I didn’t even want to say goodbye—because he was coming back. Right?
I shook as I stood on the porch, watching Dad’s truck take Ethan away. Arms wrapped around me, and I leaned into Chase. “I called Lachlan and Nolan and filled them in. They’re going to come over and hang out.”
I didn’t respond.
“Is there anything you want to do?” he asked.
No.
It wasn’t long before Nolan and Lachlan arrived. I was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, already in the barn with Chase. I didn’t shower, didn’t want to shower. It was the oddest feeling. When Ed had been done with me, I’d always showered, scrubbed myself, felt sick. And yet, I didn’t want Ethan to leave my skin, didn’t want to erase what we had done, didn’t want to forget about it. The two experiences were completely opposite, but it wasn’t like Ethan had gone out of his way to make anything special. He made it seem so easy to make sex feel good, to make me feel good. Why hadn’t Ed done that? Instead, he’d gone out of his way to make it painful.
“Did he say anything?” Nolan asked. We’d just finished giving them both the rundown of the full story. We were walking out to the driveshed, having decided to go for a ride to distract ourselves. “I know his dad was a deadbeat, but still…that’s his dad.”
“I don’t know how Ethan isn’t more fucked up than he is for the amount of abuse he went through,” Chase said. “He hid a lot from you guys. I used to sneak him into my house all the time.”
“Same.” Lachlan leaned against the shed door while I pulled the covers off the ATVs. “I mean, we couldn’t go to my place, because he didn’t want my brother and sister to know, but we used to hang out on the trails.”
“He didn’t tell me. I had a feeling, but he never told me,” I said.
“He didn’t want—”
“Me to know.” I cut Chase off. “It’s a going theme among us. No one wants anyone to know what we are going through behind closed doors. I’m done.” I turned and faced them. “This is it. This is my breaking point. I’m done with these secrets that keep coming up to hurt us.”
“What’s his name?” Lachlan was quick with his question; he had been holding on to it for a while. His arms were crossed, his cool blue eyes on me.
A hypocrite, I was not. “Ed.” The moment the name left my lips and rang through my ears, my body deflated. I could feel the tears well behind my lids, but I held them back. Not now. Lachlan was on his feet, mouth open and ready to ask more when I held up my hand. “I will. I will tell you, but not without Ethan. I will only say it once.” As I stood there with the guys, worrying about Ethan, the fear and doubt slid away and the rage began to burn.
Lachlan’s eyes flashed, and I could almost feel the frigidness behind them. His lips started to move, in the smallest of amounts, and I knew he was counting. He was struggling.
I stepped away from the ATV and put my hands on his chest. He didn’t flinch. Instead, he leaned in, as if he knew my touch calmed him, and he desperately needed it right now.
“Also, I had sex with Ethan.” Lachlan froze, but his eyes melted soft, a grin spreading. “Since we’re on the page of not having any secrets.”
I glanced over at Chase, who shrugged. “I wondered why he was smiling while on the way to get interrogated over the murder of his father.”
“I bet he was smiling,” Lachlan said, shaking his head and placing his hand on mine.
I turned my head to Nolan, who hadn’t said anything. His face was blank, maybe a bit guarded. “I’m sorry,” I found myself saying.
Nolan shook his head. “No, it… we were never in a relationship. Right? Nothing to be sorry for.”
“Man—” Chase started.
“I didn’t mean it like—shit.” Nolan looked embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Bails, we all talked about this. No comp, remember? And if you did end up choosing one of us, we would all back off and respect it.”
“Is this you choosing?” Chase asked, frowning.
My eyes moved from Nolan to him and then up to Lachlan. “I have to choose?” I looked down to where his hand still held mine against his chest. “I guess, of course, I do.” Tell the truth. Tell the truth, Bailey. We are done with lies. When it comes to these men, I would never tell another lie. “I don’t choose, then. I’ll stop it all.” I pulled away from Lachlan, but he gripped my hand tighter.
“Choose us all,” he said, as if it were that simple. “It doesn’t bother me.”
I glanced at Chase, who was now sitting on an ATV. He shook his head. “Definitely not something you’d lose me over.”
Then I looked at Nolan. “You’ve known them your entire life, their entire lives,” he said. “You four already have a dynamic.”
Chase cleared his throat. “If you don’t want to do this, that’s fine, but don’t think you’re not part of the family.” In a lower voice, he added, “I wouldn’t be here without you.”
“Technically, neither would Lachlan or Ethan,” I said. “I was pretty much done with trying after Chase snapped at me at the beginning of the year.”
Chase winced. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. But if I hadn’t run into Nolan, I don’t think I would’ve tried again. You don’t have to be part of this to be part of the family, though,” I told him, nodding to Lachlan because he had yet to let go of my hand. “I like hanging out with you, all the same. Platonic friends.” I smiled.
“Can I think on it?” Nolan asked. He stepped forward, and Lachlan finally released my hand. Nolan reached up, taking my chin in his hand and pressing down so my lip released. That time, I hadn’t even realized I was biting it. “Don’t count me out just yet,” he said, the pad of his thumb soothing over my lip. “I just need a moment to think on it.”
“Even if you decide not to, we’re still family? Right?”
He leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “Always. The moment I saw you, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away.”
“All right, I’m ready to ride,” Chase said. “If Ethan doesn’t get back soon, I will surely go insane. I see what he means about the mushy gushy stuff.”
“What?” Lachlan asked.
“Oh, nothing. Where’re we going? Down the trails?” he asked.
I grabbed the keys off the wall hook and handed them out. “There are rules,” I said to them. “The field is empty right now, so you can rip around wherever you want, but the back pasture has cattle. There’s a bull in there named Bruce, and he’s not afraid of the ATVs, so be careful.”
“Yay, moo cow!” Nolan pumped his fist in the air while jumping on the ATV.
“Uh, no, moo bull.” I laughed. “Do you guys remember the trail we used to go on?” I asked Chase and Lachlan.
“That runs along the creek and to the creepy rotting tree fort?” Lachlan asked.
“Yep! Bring us around there. No rush, though, if you want to rip around the field.”
We ripped around the fields for a while, and though I refused to let Nolan go in the back field, I did bring him up close to where the herd was, since he was fascinated with the cows. Bruce was eyeing us the whole time. He was due for processing this fall, and I couldn’t help but remind myself it was my fault. He’d still be in the pasture with his girls if Dad didn’t believe he’d had attacked Ed. Yet another life taken at my hand.
We were on our way back when my phone went off.
Ethan: Done. Just stopping at the church, then heading back home.
Home. My heart squeezed.