Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
SLOANE
H e thinks I’m just toying with his affections for some fucking reason. What reason would I have for doing so? Oh, I don’t know, maybe that he saved me from Matteo Barone? I answer the internal question, making myself feel even more on edge.
The water from the shower above cascades down and tickles my flesh. I locked Luca out of my room, even though I was sure he had a key. Even though my door being shut in the first place is a huge statement.
He’s massive enough. If he wants to get inside, he will.
My tears mix with the water, blending in like they don’t exist.
He thinks I’m like my mother; I realize.
The truth slams into my chest like a fucking wrecking ball. I’m nothing like my mother. But in his eyes, I’m giving into the attraction I feel for him because he saved me. Like I owe him something.
I’ve never felt as if I owed anyone anything.
Early on, I learned that life is short and one should live it with all their might. I’ve seen too many people fall victim to drugs, alcohol, and violence. Fuck, I saw my first dead body at the ripe age of fourteen.
She was a known user who was always held up outside the convenience store down the street from my mom’s apartment, Mary. Who knows if that was her real name? One day, I came out of the store to hand her a honey bun, like I always did, and she was slumped over.
I called her name and shook her a bit, but she didn’t respond. She only slid over. Her eyes were wide open, fear etched into their pale, lifeless edges.
Guilt still chews at me at how I’d run away, not telling a soul that she was dead. The next day, her body was gone.
Another tear falls for Mary and her life that was cut short. I sniffle, letting my head fall back, the water spray beating over my face.
I’m so torn. I’m in a world I don’t understand, safe for once, with nothing of actual substance to return to in the real world. Could I be latching onto him because he’s my savior? I guess it’s possible. However, I’ve always prized myself for being stronger than that, for being able to carry myself through the world. But I’m so fucking tired, if I’m honest with myself.
I could leave this place and chance it out there on my own. But the thought of crawling back to my apartment, to a dead-end job at a strip club I know I don’t want to go back to, makes my stomach churn.
Even though I can’t drink legally at the club I work in, I’ve been stripping there since I was eighteen.
Realization blossoms in my stomach when I realize this week is my birthday.
Even though I never thought I’d make it to eighteen, soon I’ll be twenty-one.
My stomach sinks when I think about how my birthdays don’t truly matter. Sure, I’ve survived, and they matter. But no one honestly cares if it’s my birthday.
I sit back into the curvature of the bathtub, water still spraying down in hot beads as it massages my flesh.
Some things I’ve done to stay alive are etched into my dirty soul, but somehow, what I’d done with Luca in that confessional makes me feel dirtier than I ever have. Not because it was with him, his age, or who he was, but because God was watching, looking down, and shaking his head at the next immoral thing I’ve done.
Not that what I did with Luca was for survival. However, it felt as though if I didn’t let him touch me, I’d die.
I shake my head at myself as a knock sounds on the bathroom door.
I sigh.
I knew he had a key.
“I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” Luca says from through the wooden barrier.
Of course he did. He’s good at the very root of him. Through and through, the man is a saint, and I’ve spent my days here tainting him—ruining him.
With Sloane Collins at the steering wheel, his fall from grace will be fantastic.
Guilt swarms in my belly again as I shut off the shower and wrap in a towel.
I open the door, still dripping from head to toe, and Luca looks me up and down.
“I’m fine.”
He worries his bottom lip, which sets off a cacophony of fluttering butterflies in my stomach. “I see that. I just wanted to… I don’t know. I just needed to know you were alright.”
I nod, pushing past him. As his arm brushes mine, I have to bite my lip to not moan at the tingle it sends through me.
“Look, I’m sorry for how I behaved. It’s just…”
I turn around, pinning him with a glare as water slides down my spine. “I understand who you are, what happened between us, and how huge it is. I’m sorry I let it go so far,” I tell him.
He cups the back of his neck, looking down as he shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have had to stop it. I should’ve known better.”
The implication that I’m too young to know better pisses me off, anger raging through me in a flash. “I’m old enough to know when I’m making a mistake, Luca. Thank you very much. It won’t happen again. You and me, well, we just can’t be. I understand that now. It was just this situation, and your saving me; I think it went to my head.”
Me playing it off as such seems to have him less rigid, as though my admittance makes more sense than my wanting him.
Which I do.
Fuck, I want him so badly. There’s something about him that contrasts the world I grew up in. Sure, he’s a little softer than the men I’m used to dealing with, but I find it’s bringing out a new side of me I love. I feel different with him.
But he’s off limits.
“If the church found out what happened…” he trails off, shamefully bowing.
“They won’t find out from me,” I tell him, clutching the towel tighter.
He still stands here, meaning he’s decided to test his will. I’m nude beneath the towel, and he wants to see if he can withstand me.
“Sloane, if I were any other man, I would be good for you.” He shakes his head as he steps closer to me.
I’m rooted to the floor. My feet shift slightly on the cold wood as he approaches, cupping my face in his hand.
I’m transported back to the dark of the confessional, his touch on me, and heat stirs all over again.
It’s as if fate is testing us. Or God himself. I’ve never felt such an astounding pull to be with anyone. And I have to wonder if I think this way because he’s off-limits.
Maybe it’s because I know I’m safe with him and that he has boundaries.
“Luca,” I whisper, closing my eyes. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
The air between us crackles with energy as he rests his forehead against mine.
We stay there, breathing in the attraction between us to stay alive—like its essence feeds our fucked-up souls, and neither of us says a word.
“It’s done,” he says. “Never again.”
My throat burns with the need to let a few more tears crawl down my face, but I don’t have the energy for that. I’ve never cried over a man.
I won’t start now.
If I let anyone see emotion in me, however, Luca would be the one.
“I have to get to bed. I have an early morning,” Luca says, prompting me to open my eyes.
He doesn’t move, though. He keeps his forehead pressed against mine a moment longer.
“I’m going to miss you,” I whisper, as if that will help my admission.
“In another life, we would’ve been a love for the ages,” he whispers back, finally straightening up and trekking toward the door.
He pauses with his hand on the doorknob before deciding to shut it. When he’s gone, I shatter into a million pieces.
Losing what could’ve been with Luca feels harder than anything I’ve ever dealt with. There was something hopeful about the way I felt around him. Something raw and honest that I’ve never let myself feel before. But I can’t let him be my soft place to land.
I need to pull myself out of this shitstorm that I call a life.
I need to rise on my own.
Packing up the meager things he bought for me, I decided at the last minute to leave them as I put on my warmest outfit, slip my feet into boots, and sneak out of my bedroom window.
One look back at the rectory sends dread through my stomach as I head back to my world in the night’s chill.
I know he meant well, but I can’t let Luca protect me for the rest of my life.
He’ll get dragged to hell right alongside me.
I’ve been destined to end up there since the day I took my first breath in this world.
The blinding lights of Happy Endings twirl overhead as I enter.
“Hey, Lo,” Jerry says as I enter, giving me a wink. “I haven’t seen you in a while. You good? The boss was wondering the same the other night when he couldn’t get you on your cell.”
That’s what I was worried about, too. I assume my cell phone is still in Don Adamos’s house of horrors, likely smashed to bits.
“Yeah, I lost my phone. I had a rough go at it the last few weeks. I’ve been down with the flu,” I lie.
He looks me up and down, likely noting the weight loss and gaunt appearance of my features. “It looks like you’re on the mend, though, huh? Anyhow, it’s good to see you, girl.”
I smile, tugging into his big bear-like frame for a hug when he opens his arms to me.
Jerry is in his sixties but is mean as a fucking snake when he needs to be.
He’s always watched out for us girls, though.
“Speaking of the boss,” I say, pulling back.
He nods toward the offices on the left side of the stage. “He’s in the back.”
“Thanks.”
I head over, easily passing the massive Friday night crowd. Most are regulars, mixed amongst the few bachelor parties and rowdy college boys we usually get on the weekends.
Once in the back, I push into Giovani’s office, startling him as he bites into a hoagie.
“Where the hell have you been?” he says, lettuce falling from his mouth to the paper plate beneath his face.
I shake my head, dropping into the chair in front of his desk as if I’m unbothered because I might be jobless, because of my prolonged absence.
“Been sick, and my phone broke,” I quip, crossing my right leg over my left.
He narrows his eyes. “I’ve never known you to get sick, but Cherry came down with a nasty flu two weeks ago. It might’ve been that.”
While Giovanni is the quintessential, arrogant man you’d picture as a strip club owner, he’s also kind. He has four daughters around my age and up, and he looks at us girls as if they’re his, too. It’s the only reason I’ve survived working at Happy Endings.
“Am I fired?” I choke out, trying not to let any pleading lace into my voice.
His eyes soften as he wipes his mouth. “No, Lo. What do you take me for? I no more want you out on the streets than you want to be there. You need to get a new phone, though. How will I call you if any of the girls can’t work?”
I’m Giovani’s go-to girl when shifts become available. I always have been. Not that I’ve ever minded. I need the cash flow.
When I got away from the church, finally able to breathe, I headed straight to my apartment, only to find an eviction notice plastered on the door. After begging my landlord to give me an extension and then convincing him to cut me a new key because mine was with all my belongings in my purse, which I’ll likely never see again, I headed straight here to make sure my job was secure.
“I will. Thank you, Gio. I appreciate you, you know that?”
His plump cheeks redden. “Awe, now, you’re just saying that.”
“No. I mean it. You’ve been the bright spot in my life for a while now. Your girls are lucky that you’re their papa.”
His eyes swim at my words. “Go on and get a new phone. You need some cash?”
He opens the locked drawer with a key and eyes me.
I hate to admit defeat to him, but I have to get a new debit card before I have access to my bank account again, and that’s going to be a pain in the ass without a new I.D..
“I do. All my shit got stolen, my purse and everything in it. It’s going to take time for me to get everything back in order,” I admit, dropping my gaze away from Gio as I hear him counting bills.
“Here.” He shoves a wad of cash across the desk. “And you’re not paying me back, either. I’m just glad to see you back safe, Lo.”
Lo. The name I’d given on my application when I started here. Even though this place has become my family, none of them have my real name.
I grab the cash and stuff it in the inside pocket of my jacket. “Thank you, Gio. But I insist on paying you back.”
He chuckles, bites his sandwich, and waves me off. “You’ve been good to me when girls rake me over the coals or leave without notice; you’ve earned that and then some. Keep me in the loop and let me know when you’re ready to be on rotation again.”
I round his desk and kiss the top of his bald head.
He hates it, so I do it often.
“Go on, get outa’ here!” he taunts, throwing a balled-up napkin at me.
On my way home, I’m more vigilant than normal, watching for anyone and anything around me. Matteo Barone isn’t someone I should’ve fucked with, even if I did so by being rescued.
Going back to Luca and tainting the man further isn’t a fucking option.
So, I need to do what I do best.
Survive.