43. Violet
43
Violet
“ T his is really g-good.” Ivette laughed as I stuttered over my words. I tried to shake my head to clear my thoughts, but my whole body moved, sending the liquid from my glass down my arm. “Shi-it.”
“You’re drunk.” She chuckled as she threw a few napkins at me. She was right. I was so drunk I couldn’t even swear properly.
That thought sent me into a fit of laughter. My stomach ached from how hard I was laughing. I gasped for air and fell off the couch. In my drunken state, I flung an arm out for support. I ended up grabbing Ivette and dragging her to the floor with me.
We were a mess of limbs and laughter when I gave up. Resting my head on the carpet, I stared up at the lights in the living room. I blinked, trying to get them to stop moving, but it didn’t work, so I closed my eyes instead.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this drunk.” Ivette sighed next to me. “This was a lot of fun.”
I turned to look at her, but I didn’t need to see the sincerity on her face to know she’d meant the words. She didn’t have an easy life. I was starting to realize that none of us did. Maybe that’s how we’d ended up together.
We saw the brokenness that mirrored our own.
“I never did this growing up.” Her hair brushed mine as she faced me. “I always wanted to have a sleepover. I wanted to stay up late and eat junk food. Tell each other secrets.”
“What’s the most inappropriate crush you’ve ever had?”
“What?” Her shout made my head pound, or that could’ve been the vodka.
“You said you wanted to share secrets.” I laughed at her incredulous look. “We used to talk about the teachers we thought were hot or celebrities. In hindsight, they were way too old for us.”
“You think?” I couldn’t control my giggles as she lay beside me again. I was drifting into the silence when she spoke, dragging me back to consciousness. “A business associate of my dad. He used to bring me candy when I was a kid. I was maybe fourteen the last time I saw him and I’d just started to notice boys at school. But he… wasn’t a boy.”
“He was a man .” She slapped my arm when I deepened my voice on the word.
“Shut up, puta .” Her fake anger only made me laugh harder.
When it stopped and I could breathe again, an idea came to me. In my drunken mind, it was the best thing I could think of. I wanted to turn this into a real sleepover for her. The room spun as I hopped up. Swaying on my feet, I stumbled into the kitchen. I returned with an avocado in each hand.
Ivette raised a brow when she saw me. “What are those for?”
“Face masks.” I lifted my arms, shaking the fruit. “You should get the whole girl’s night experience.”
“Don’t you need to cut them up?”
I blinked at the solid object, wondering how I could do that because using a knife didn’t seem possible right now. At least not without seriously injuring myself.
“You do it.” Before I could think better of it, I tossed the avocados at her.
My eyes rounded in horror as I watched them heading towards her. But Ivette wasn’t looking; she was staring up at the ceiling like I had earlier. I was too distressed to do anything but make a strangled noise as they smacked her on the cheek and forehead.
“What the fuck?” Her shout was muffled as she grasped her face.
“Oh, my god.” I dropped to my knees next to her. My hands covered my mouth as I hid my inappropriate laughter. “I’m so s-sorry. I thought you’d catch them.”
“You’re lucky I have a thick skull. I’d hate for my obituary to say ‘death by avocado.’ That would be really embarrassing for a Latina.”
Her joke had me falling into a fit of giggles again. As I collapsed beside her, I couldn’t remember that last time I laughed so much. Not just before I was broken, but in my old life.
I was too busy worrying about being a disappointment to have fun. There was no space for life when I had a dream to make real for my mother. That thought made me overwhelmingly sad.
“You and your sister didn’t have sleepovers?” I asked as I lay down next to her. I stared up at the ceiling as I waited for her answer. The sun had set and shadows crept in from the corners.
“Sometimes we’d pretended in each other’s rooms before the… accident.” I thought I heard her sniffle, but it was too faint to be sure. “All we had was each other. That’s more true now than ever.”
My hand slid across the carpet, finding hers in the dark. I intertwined our fingers. “You have me.”
I had no idea where my life was going. Or what I was doing. But I’d never been more honest. No matter what happened, I didn’t want to lose Ivette as a friend.
“And me.” My head jerked to the side just in time to see Maverick hop over the back of the couch. He flopped down on it, turning to stare at the ceiling like us. My lips twitched into a smile. He didn’t even know what we were doing, but he joined in right away.
Ivette slapped his dangling arm. “You’re not a girl, tonto .” Fool.
“No, but sometimes Connor acts like one.” He replied as he rubbed his injury.
“Dick.” Connor walked past, hitting him on the head. Maverick cursed and jumped off the couch.
Ivette jerked up, trying to stop the impending fight. I stayed where I was, staring up at the darkness spreading from the edges of the room. Or maybe it was in the corners of my mind. Reid’s face came into my vision and I was starting to realize I might be drunker than I thought. His head looked fuzzy as he stared at me with those penetrating blue eyes.
“How are you feeling, pretty girl?”
“Your eyes are pretty.” His mouth twitched, but he didn’t smile. “I’m fine.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re having fun.” He leaned forward, ghosting a kiss across my forehead.
He grabbed my discarded glass and poured me another drink. He set it beside me on the floor before taking his own and sitting in an armchair to watch his brother’s fight. I heard their scuffles and curses, but my head was spinning too much to look.
I closed my eyes, trying to make it stop, but it only got worse. In the dark, behind my eyelids, I started to remember things. Simon’s face swam through my mind. I gasped, like I could feel his rough hands holding me down. Hear his voice grunting in my ear.
I shouldn’t have had so much alcohol. I’d let my defenses weaken. Now whatever barriers I’d created to force the memories away crumbled.
It was still only flashes, but I felt as if I was living them all over again. Like the pain was real, not a memory.
My eyes flew open. My chest heaved as I pulled oxygen into my lungs. Sweat broke out along my skin. I tried to shove down the nausea gripping my stomach.
I sucked a deep breath into my mouth, letting it out through my nose. Slowly, I breathed over and over. I didn’t move. I couldn’t let everyone know that I was falling apart. That I wasn’t as healed as I pretended to be. I couldn’t be a failure again. A disappointment.
“I’m out of here.” Ivette called. “Too much testosterone.” From the corner of my eye, I saw her grab her bag.
“Charlie is waiting outside to take you home,” Connor said. She stuck her tongue out at him. I clearly wasn’t the only one who was drunk.
“Have fun with your guys.” She said over her shoulder. I lifted my arm and gave her an uncoordinated wave.
Maverick’s hand landed on the floor on either side of my head. He smirked as he knelt above me. “We’ll have a lot of fun.”
His voice dripped with lust and promise. I tried to pry my lips apart to say something. To tell him ‘not now’. But my mouth was too dry to form words.
He was already dipping his head. His lips skimmed over my shoulder and towards my neck. I whimpered as hands gripped my hips. That’s when I realized Connor was kneeling between my spread legs.
I watched his blonde hair falling over his forehead as he bent forward to kiss the inch of exposed skin on my stomach. Instead of feeling soothing, my alcohol-soaked brain turned it into something else.
They weren’t touching me, but holding me down. They weren’t kissing me, but attacking. My chest constricted. Tears pricked at my eyes. But like I’d done so many times with Simon, I stayed still. Hoping if I didn’t move, it would all stop.
I felt the hot press of fingers into my stomach as he grasped my shorts and yanked them down. A sweat slicked palm wrapped around my throat. My heart slammed into it, trying to keep me alive.
“Stop.” I didn’t know if it was in my thoughts or if I’d said it out loud, but they kept going.
“Such a pretty little slut just waiting for us to use her.” Maverick nipped at my ear. My throat clogged. But I tried to shake it off. Images danced in my vision and I wasn’t sure whose voice was in my ear anymore.
“So perfect. Our girl.” Connor whispered against my skin as he kissed down my stomach.
I didn’t know if it was his lips or his words that sent me over the edge. But I suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t theirs.
“No!” I screamed as I shoved them off me. I scrambled to a sitting position. My back hit the couch, and I drew my knees to my chest. “I’m not. I’m not!”
I saw their shocked expression before I buried my face into my knees, hiding from them. From the panic attack I felt coming. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be this person.
But I couldn’t stop the tightening in my chest. I gasped, unable to suck in more than little bursts of oxygen. A cold sweat coated my skin. My limbs shook as I held them tighter.
“Violet.” Reid said my name, but it sounded like it was coming from a void. Like darkness was swallowing it up.
I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say, not even my name. I didn’t want their disappointment. Their rage. My palms slapped over my ears to drown out the sound.
“Little bloom? Did you want us to stop?” Connor’s voice pressed into my skull, but it was his hand on my knee that sent me into a fit.
I smacked at it as I pushed further into the couch, trying to get away. Didn’t they see what was happening? Of course, I wanted to stop. Why didn’t they notice that?
“She hasn’t said it.” My head was buried into my chest. My eyes shut tight, but I could feel Maverick’s breath on my skin as he drew closer.
Said what? I told them no. To stop. What else was I supposed to say? My drunk brain was warring with confusion and fear. A fear I knew wasn’t necessary, but I couldn’t be reasoned with right now. Nothing existed but the pounding of my heart and the adrenaline coursing through my veins.
It sent me back in time to when I wasn’t safe. Told me to run. Hide.
“Belladonna, what color is a stop sign?”
That’s when I remembered my word. “Red.”
Cool air hit my skin. My jaw was clenched tight, holding in the tears as I lifted my head. But instead of seeing them kneeling before me as I expected, they were across the room. Far enough away that they weren’t towering over me.
Connor’s brow was furrowed in concern as he picked up my shorts and held them out to me. My hand trembled as I reached for them. Once I grasped the fabric, he moved back to stand beside Maverick and Reid.
“Wh-what are you doing?” My voice wavered. My fingers curled into my clothes as I stared.
“You used the safe word.” I blinked at Reid. “Do you want us to stay and help you?”
“Help?”
I waited for some sign of annoyance. Anger that I’d had too much to drink. That I didn’t want to sleep with them. That I wasn’t as healed as I pretended to be.
“Are you too drunk to get to your room?” Connor asked. “Do you need anything? Water? Aspirin?”
“You’re not mad?” My throat felt raw. Or maybe those were my emotions.
“Oh, we are.” A muscle in Maverick’s jaw jumped. “But only because you didn’t use your safe word earlier.”
My head fell to my knees again. “I’m sorry.”
The floor creaked as he stepped closer. “We’ll deal with that later.” He grasped my elbow, but there was nothing sexual about it this time. It was meant to help. “For now, let’s get you to bed.”
Without hesitation, I wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned against him. They’d just proved what I already knew. They’d never hurt me. But my inebriated brain hadn’t known that.
Embarrassment colored my cheeks as we walked up the stairs. I didn’t hear the others following, and that was okay. I wasn’t sure I could deal with all three of them right now.
It was a good thing Maverick was holding me, because the longer I stood, the more the room spun. By the time he helped me into my bed, I was nauseous. My stomach was turning as fast as my head.
I was still only in my panties and one of their t-shirts when he tucked the covers in around me like I was a child. I was more than grateful for his gentle care. But when he turned to leave, the panic surged up in my chest again.
“Stay. Please.” My lips rolled together, trying to hold in the plea, but it was too late. I was weak. I needed them. “I’m sorry. Please. Please don’t leave me.”
I couldn’t stand another person leaving me. Not right now. I didn’t want to be alone.
“Stop.” He closed the distance between us in seconds. His hands ghosted over my face as if he was worried about touching me too roughly. Like he’d set me off. I hated it. Hated that I’d made him feel that way. “I’ll never leave you.”
I sighed as he trailed a kiss over my hair. I was disoriented. Desperate. I wanted him to promise me it was true. That I’d never be alone again.
But before I could get the words out, sleep claimed me.